She’s only 69 but after years of non-medical adherence and doing whatever she wants in general, against our advice and after many blood pressure scares, falls and hospitalizations, she had a major stroke. She’s still cognizant and but just can’t walk, partially paralyzed and sometimes makes up stuff. Hubby wants her to move back (from the nursing home) a few doors down with FIL who is also rapidly declining. Can they modify the house without my consent and pull this off? The main level doesn’t have a usable bathroom big enough nor shower.
I’m not going to be able to help and MIL will wear me out if allowed and doesn’t know boundaries and has a messy personality, unfortunately. I learned this after we bought them the house and move them here from Denver. We have two young daughters and they are extremely busy and involved. I feel like my husband wants to force me into caregiving while he continues to work 65 hours plus a week. I work full time as well and we have tons of expenses and live in upstate New York and can’t afford to continue to pay for their home, our home and all their bills plus caregivers. He doesn’t seem to understand this and is now furious with me but claims he doesn’t want me to have to change diapers and shower them and stuff. Well who the hell is going to do it? How can I make him understand that a caregiver at only $13/hour 8 hours a day and NO WEEKENDS is not going to take care of TWO elderly (one who cannot transfer herself at all and FIL can barely walk). That’s what he proposed and we can’t even afford that right now for more than a year or two max.
What is he thinking? I love his parents but this will destroy our marriage and our girls are little and I don’t want them forcing this heaviness on them either. I already see signs that they are being leaned on for emotional support a caregiving and they are only 7 and 8. I hate this nightmare and wish we hadn’t bought them this house only a year and change ago. They also were very sedentary before their swift decline so I should have seen the writing on the wall.
Sounds like I don’t like them but it’s not that, just tired of being made the enemy for saying the same thing the facility is saying about what's an appropriate level of care and don’t want this to take a wrecking ball to our marriage which is already on fire because of this. Am I doomed to divorce if I can’t stop this train?
Here's the reason why!
I HAD cared for his father for almost a year and I refused to let him come into our home as we had 2 youngish daughters and they were traumatized just by being around him. They loved him, but his illness and deep, hacking non stop cough just drove us all insane.
I opted to do 3xs a day care for almost a year. Dh did absolutely nothing to help out. He'd go to his dad's house occasionally, but one of the coughing fits would hit and DH would start gagging in sympathy. FIL became incontinent (both ways) and I had to handle that, b/c DH was also revolted by that. Like somehow it wasn't revolting to ME.
Being an inlaw--I had no voice (supposedly).
I flat out refused to lift a finger for MIL's care. She hated me (was verbally open and loud about that) and I felt zero guilt about letting the 3 'kids' handle her. All I ever said was "She needs to go into care. Period."
The 18 month drama that ensued as they dealt with her sloooooow decline was beyond awful. They finally placed her in a lovely ALF community only to find she was far past the 'assisted' part. She lived one week in this place and died. They were making plans to move her to the Memory Care adjacent to the ALF.
(My DH also traveled a great deal, leaving me with all the family crises).
You already know the answer. And it's NO. Full stop.
Possibly you can find housing for both inlaws in the same place, There is a reduction in monthly fees when 2 people share a room.
Actually, this isn't your problem. It's your husband's. Don't be the answer to all the problems. I learned the hard way!
You KNOW you shouldn't be paying for all this. It will bankrupt you, monetarily and mentally.
Good luck.
Medicaid will pay for nursing home care. Your mother inlaw is too heavy for you to handle.
As for your husband, he sounds like he needs therapy.
Well actually you need 6 caregivers a day, 3 for MIl and 3 for FIL.
NEVER use your money for elder caregiving. Your extra money is for YOUR rainy days. My daughter was in a bad wreck last year and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. Had I worked, I would have had to take 6 weeks off with FMLA unpaid. After she got out of the hospital, I still had to drive her everywhere for another 3 weeks until she was able to drive again.
Your extra money is also for your golden years. You see what piss poor planning gets you with your in laws.
I’d stop arguing with your husband and I don’t care how furious he is. No is a complete sentence. Stop participating in his delusions and his desperation. Just say no and then go take a walk around the corner.
Good luck and I support and back you up 100%. Please come back and keep us posted.
Stop thinking you are responsible for the care of others and for the happiness of others.
You ARE NOT.
If your husband is even thinking of bringing family home to attempt to provide care that is VERY POOR DECISION MAKING then you need to make it clear that when they move in you are moving out. And you need to do that. Start now by having a division of finances, so that he has no access to the money you would require to move and get a good divorce attorney. Let him know that this is not what will happen now to you and to your life. Period. End of sentence. No arguing. No shouting. Just a simple fact.
I think the OP should just show him the comments on this thread. He’s got to wake up.
Why is he furious with you?? You didn’t cause any of this. Nor can you fix any of it. It really bothers me that he would be directing his negative emotions onto you, and also that he doesn’t seem to prioritize your two children here.
Can “they” modify the house without your consent? It doesn’t sound like either your MIL or FIL are in any condition to hire and supervise contractors or live through a renovation. Is your husband actually contemplating doing this? Is the house in their names? Sounds like it should be sold to help pay for him to be in assisted living. Does her NH have AL attached or nearby?
His suggestion of a helper 8 hours/ day for $13/hour…..many issues. They need more help than that, and you won’t find anyone who will do this job for that rate. Even if you did find such a person, as you say, it’s too much for one person to manage. If he tried it for one day, I bet he would realize.
Good luck. I am sorry he’s being so unrealistic and hurting you and your children (!!!) in the process. Don’t go down with the ship!
You can’t be forced into caregiving if you aren’t living with your in laws .
Also . If possible quietly divide your bank accounts ahead of time just in case this ends up in divorce .
At any rate you should not be using your own money or equity to fund your in laws care. They go on Medicaid in the nursing home if in laws do not have money or own a home to sell .