My 73-yr-old mother has been in contact with men on the computer that say they're in the service overseas. Several have asked her for money, which she doesn’t have. What can I do?

OMG! THIS IS DEFINITELY FRAUDULENT!

THIS IS A NIGERIAN. IT COULD BE A MAN OR A WOMAN.

I'VE HEARD THIS STORY ON TV, AND SOME WOMEN HAVE LOST EVERYTHING. YOU'VE GOT TO, GOT TO, PUT A STOP TO IT RIGHT AWAY!

I HOPE YOU CAN MAKE YOUR MOM UNDERSTAND.

PRAYERS GOING OUT FOR YOU, YOUR SISTERS, AND YOUR MOM.

She is in the “fog of fraud” and will likely not listen to anyone or stop without effective intervention. For any who think so what - it’s her money or her fault for being “stupid”, please consider that the brain, like any other part of the body, is affected by aging in some people more than others. As the brain ages there can be dramatic changes in a person’s reasoning ability. Most of us start reaching for reading glasses sometime after age forty. Likewise, the brain is aging and in some people there are significant changes affecting judgment.

Anyone can be scammed. If you think you can’t you probably will be someday. It is just that the level of sophistication of the victim makes some obvious scams not work against some people while completely fooling others. Example - Bernie Maddoff ran a very sophisticated scam and fooled some pretty intelligent people for quite a while. Sweetheart scams are at the lower end of the spectrum taking advantage of lonely, emotionally vulnerable victims. Contrary to popular belief, victims of fraud are not giving their money “willingly.” They would not hand over their money if they knew and understood the true nature of the solicitation - that is why it is fraud and it is a crime. Some police agencies shy away because fraud is hard to investigate. But, blaming the victim is like blaming a teller for a bank robbery.

Start by reporting her situation to the FBI at www.ic3.gov. The FBI collects and analyzes information from complaints and contrary to what some may think, does go after overseas scammers. Not every report generates a case - they look for trends affecting a large amount of victims and money. But, if you never report it they have nothing to work with. Also alert any banks she does business with. They may or may not help you unless you have either POA or her consent and cooperation. Get POA if you can - or at least find a good elder attorney to help.

The most important thing is to shut down her means to obtain and transmit money. The scammers can and possibly are already trying to use her as a “middle man” or “money mule” to unwittingly accept funds they control from other victims by having those victims send the money to your mother. Then, they instruct her where to send the money next. She basically is tricked into helping launder the money through several transactions to make it difficult for their trail to be followed. You don’t want her involved in that.

You also may want to engage state agencies such as consumer protection or elder protection to try to get help and advice. They may be able to help guide you on her emotional needs which is driving a lot of this. She needs something legitimate to replace this self-destructive activity. Let them know what is going on and seek their assistance with information on how to get financial guardianship. Obtain credit reports at annual credit report.com to see if her identity is being used to open accounts.
Do whatever you can to disrupt and stop her ability to contact them and their ability to contact her. Do whatever you can to protect her finances and watch out for unexpected amounts of money showing up in her accounts. The scammers will steal her last dime and the same from other victims and sleep like babies. You cannot possibly fight back too hard. Get her off FaceBook. Good luck.

Get POA and put name on her accounts. Take computer. Get a caregiver. Take car keys. Get guardianship if you need to NOW.

angela1973: Since your mother stated herself that she suffers from Alzheimer's, she SHOULD NOT, nor CANNOT be in charge of her finances. She had no mental capacity to realize that she'd been sweetheart scammed. Fortunately, most financial institutions, including her's have fraud departments, whose job is it to recognize and halt fraudulent transactions. However, your mother has attempted to open accounts at multiple banks, which of course looks suspect to any bank manager, or in fact, should. On another note, how is she getting to these banks if she suffers from dementia? I would hate to hazard a guess that is operating a motor vehicle.

As others have said, you may have to go to court to get guardianship over your mother (or conservatorship, as it is sometimes called). You need a lawyer, and you may need access to your mother's medical records to show proof of an early Alzheimer's diagnosis. I would move as quickly as you can, and document every move you make, as well as every move your mother is making regarding the scammers. A dear friend's father got caught up in a scam like this, and although it was not romantic, it drained his finances to the bottom. Ultimately, the comfortable retirement he could have enjoyed disappeared and his home had to be sold to take care of his needs. It took a concerted effort from my friend and his brother to get the guardianship and save what was left of their father's money. They weren't thinking about inheritances, either, but about their father's wellbeing. Move now, move quickly, and document, document, document.

73 years old is not very old, but she seems very vulnerable to "romance scams." Block those accounts on her computer immediately! You can also block email addresses if she is corresponding directly by email. Report fraud to the Federal Trade Commission at https://reportfraud.ftc.gov. Some people don't know that they have dementia/Alzheimer's. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order, a living will with her advance medical directives, setting up Powers of Attorney for medical and financial decisions, a will if she has assets, etc. Do you think she will make you POA? Do this while she is still mentally able to sign legal documents. Many financial institutions also have their own POA forms, you can go with her to the bank to sign them. Hopefully you will be her POA. If she has assets, she may need an attorney. You also need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with the two of you sitting together. Some POA forms need a doctor to sign off that she is no longer competent to make financial decisions. Make sure you get the legal documents executed before the doctor declares her incompetent. Ask her if you can be a second person on her credit card account so that you can make purchases for her. My mother agreed to make me joint owner on her bank accounts. This makes things much easier. Then you can set up online access to her accounts easily and check her accounts daily, and stop payments if you see things that don't look correct. When my mother had early dementia, she opened up bank accounts that she didn't need. I closed them. (I was POA at that time.) Talk to her about taking over her bills and finances. Good luck to you both!

Go to the banks and tell them she is not competent and get them to freeze her accounts. Take her computer, block these places where ever she is meeting these scammers. You have to stop her. Good luck.

Many of us have watched in horror as a parent falls prey to elder abuse and fraud yet our elderly parents won't listen to reason from those who love and want to protect them. Your mom, like mine, is clever enough to sidestep anyone that gets in her way. Last year alone, my mother lost 6-figures to scammers. Social workers, the police, etc. will not intervene unless a crime is committed and, because your mom is giving away her money willingly, there is no crime. If you're concerned, you need to stop the bleed. So you have to make some hard choices that will impact your relationship with your mom:

* Get written documentation of her Alzheimer's diagnosis from her physcian.
* Document the current FB boyfriend scam. Figure out mom’s Facebook password and figure out what is going on. Download images, PM messages, and conversation screen grabs as proof.
* Collect proof of her spending from her bank accounts. I was on mom's account and still could not stop her. Thankfully, the bank did allow me to stop payment on checks she had written but which had not cleared her account. But you'd have to be on top of her activity every day to catch it in time.
* Contact an elder care attorney immediately to discuss the situation and determine a legal course of action.
* Apply for a court-ordered guardianship and, if it’s granted, take over mom’s finances. You could invoke POA but if mom is of ‘sound mind’ (mine legally was) then she can revoke it.
* Know that your inheritance (if there is one) could be in jeopardy. Mom could get angry and disinherit you for intervening unless she is declared incompetent by the courts. That should not prevent you from doing the right thing on her behalf.
* Assume control of her Finances. Provide court-ordered documentation to the bank. Close all of her existing accounts, open new accounts that she cannot access directly without your approval, and do NOT comingle funds with your own accounts as the court will ask for documentation should your mother fight to gain financial independence.
* Immediately notify – in writing – the sources of her income (such as Social Security or pension funds) and provide new routing # and account # for electronic deposits.
* Destroy her credit cards. Ask the attorney if you as guardian have the legal right to advise the credit bureaus – in writing - that no future lines of credit can be opened in her name. Don't know what accounts she has? Get a copy of her credit report.
* Pay her Bills:  Mortgage, utility, health insurance, funeral plan insurance, etc. I set up autopay for my own convenience.
* Give mom an Allowance. Either open a new checking account, give her cash, or provide a pre-loaded debit card with a predetermined monthly allowance to spend as she wishes. If she gives it away, then at least you are managing the loss.

BTW, shutting off the internet will not deter your mother. Nor will taking away her computer. If she has access to a smartphone, a library or a friend's computer, etc. she will find a way to continue her current activities and you’ll be none the wiser. You might install an app on her phone to monitor her activities so you know what she’s up to.

Look into a conservatorship. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging about the situation to start things rolling. My ex-husband’s aunt was sending money to “friends”. His sister set it up through the courts so she could control her financially but also give their aunt spending money every month. There is no point in explaining all this to her. With her dementia she simply won’t understand. Look into resuscitating the funeral policy. You might be able to after explaining the situation and paying what she owes to get caught up. It’s worth a shot.

If your mother has early-stage Alzheimer's as you say then why is she still allowed full access to her money? Why is she allowed to be on-line unsupervised? If she "mooned" the people at the bank and her passing out money to scammers has gotten to the point where banks won't even do business with her, she has far worse than the earliest stages of Alzheimer's disease. She is completely incompetent. A conservator/guardian must be appointed to make her decisions and oversee her finances.
She cannot be left on her own anymore. People make the mistake of thinking a person with Alzheimer's/dementia is coping all right if they're keeping up on their hygiene, not wearing dirty clothes, not peeing and crapping themselves, or not living in a hoarded home of squalor. This isn't true. A person can have advanced Alzheimer's/dementia and still seem like they are coping and managing well enough. They aren't. Your mother isn't either.
Make a call to APS and talk with them. Then visit the probate court in the town your mother lives in to petition for conservatorship/guardianship over her. If you don't want the responsibility, the court will appoint someone. It won't be free. A court-appointed conservator gets paid and well. Most of the time it's a lawyer or social worker.

This site is starting to lose credibility.

Sheesh--I have a friend who has fallen HARD for a 'Nigerian via Cyprus' scheme. She thinks she is in love with a kid (she's 53 and this 'person' says he's 25) and he is stuck in Cyprus and needs money to get out to come be with her in America.

She's madly in love. It's insane to wrap my brain around. Anyone who questions her choices (and EVERYBODY does) gets the sharp edge of her tongue. She is in love, this guys 'exists' and in the end, when she walks into church with him, what is everyone going to say then?? (They're going to think she has adopted a Nigerian orphan of the age 25 and that she's nuts is what they are going to think!)

She has actually gone to Cyprus and says she has 'met' this guy. She's working the paperwork from America to get him here, but every month he needs more money. I haven't spoken to her in a year (I told her flat out that she was a victim of an actual crime and she said I was jealous and she hasn't spoken to me since)..but at that time she was out about $20K.

She's not stupid, although I think sometimes she's lost all common sense. She won't listen to anyone, she has been warned but her company that if she is kidnapped or held against her will in any way, they will not come after her. She doesn't care.

So this is a problem that is not just for elders. She's planning on marrying this guy--even tho this 'guy' doesn't even exist.

My mom has been hit by these hustlers and what save her is the fact she cannot use her phone except to make the most simple calls and she is cheap. So she might send a $5 bill to a cause, thereby putting her name on the 'patsy list' but so far, this hasn't escalated.

Sadly, we have to watch out elders. And SHAME on the hucksters who abuse them!!

Angela, you've gotten great advice re the scamming in previous replies. I am curious about some other issues, though. In your profile, you state that you've "always known" that you would end up taking care of your mother. Can you explain why that Is? You also have posted that you were molested, and that your mother refused to stand up to your stepfather (the molester). You also state in your profile that your mother is a narcissist.

So what is the plan when your mother can no longer live alone? What are her finances? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Do you expect that she is going to move in with you and your family? Do you want this?

If a funeral is important to you, see if you can begin paying the payments…. a lot less that paying the full cost. If you are able to take over her finances you can then use her money to pay the payments going forward and possibly even pay yourself back. My policies have options to notify my son if I ever let payments lapse.

Contact the authorities yesterday. Your mother is obviously incompetent, and you must protect her from herself. Contact the authorities with the information you have, then consult a lawyer dealing with elderly abuse to follow up on this and gain control of your mother's finances, they must be transferred to you and/or your sister. Contact the insurance company holding the funeral policy, if it hasn't been a long period of time they may allow the back payments made and reinstate under your control. Her "Early Alzhimers" is likely worse than she lets you see and no doubt a judge would agree, given her behavior. Don't waste time trying to explain the obvious to her. Prompt intervention is required before she is penniless, broken hearted and living with you.

Quietly disable modem.....

A woman who thinks she is in love will do anything for her man, and breaking these ties can be as hard for her as fighting an addiction. Your mother's Alzheimers must be very mild in order for her to be able to open numerous bank accounts and attempt workarounds. She sounds like a force to be reckoned with! Mom needs a family intervention, pronto. Try to make your Mom see she is being exploited by presenting the same scenario to her with you as the target. .
You will have to get very involved and aggressive to stop this since it's already way out of hand. Get to these guys on her phone and in her email account and let them know you're onto them and reporting them. Report them to the FBI and the sites they are being predatory on. Block them or cancel her account.
Get to a well regarded attorney to put her affairs in order, i.e. durable POA, Will/Trust, Health Care Proxy, etc. Your entire family will need to rally around Mom and stand firm in protecting her financially and emotionally. Therapy and counseling can also be helpful to her. Please keep us posted.

How is she meeting these guys ? On face Book or her email account ? You Can report this to the FBI www.ic3.gov if they are taking advantage of a elder and asking for Money . I would change her email account or password . If she is on Facebook you Can Deactivate her account and change the password . They get on thru messenger also - Thats part of FB . They hi Jack someones profile and pretend to be them - usually white Military , widow , child is in Boarding school in Germany . They think you are beautiful and mention marriage and want to get to Know you better . I would Make her watch the Tinder Swindler or Dr. Phil Interviews where the woman get taken by a swindler who has Hijacked a FB Profile . Personally I would take away her computer till she woke up and smelled the coffee . Get POA and Look Into all her assets . Contact the federal trade Commission . I would change her email address . She is obviously a target and you need to protect her . Have her Join a social club or gardening group . She is bored and looking for attention and these men Know that .

Well tell her you girls have figured it out her body will be donated to cadaver School. When my mom says things like that I give it back to her and she stops all that nonsense. Good luck

Also, it may be a good idea to call the 3 different credit bureaus to put a freeze on her account to prevent someone opening a credit card under her name.

You say she has dementia (Alzheimer's)
She should no longer have access to her funds alone.
Sounds like she should have the computer set with "parental controls" to limit access.
If this does not work It sounds like placing her in Memory Care where she does not have access to computer, going to the bank or store unaccompanied is an idea.
If you or another family member is not POA for finances someone may have to become her Guardian.

https://www.tampabay.com/news/crime/2022/02/09/tampa-bay-women-found-love-online-the-scam-cost-them-everything/

This is happening right now to a friend of a friend. It has been going on for many months. She has lost well over $60,000 doing this.

Unfortunately, she may never accept the reality of it. There is a tip line on the FBI website for these kinds of scams. I urge you, as the daughter, to proceed with it.

And as she does have dx Alzheimer's, can you gain POA for her? Would she let you? If not, you may need to think in the long run of going to court to gain guardianship, if you want to do this. Talk to her doctor and let him/her know of your mom's behavior. It may be time to deem her incompetent. And if you can gain her confidence, take over her finances.

My sister and I have access to our mothers email account. She had a hard time determining spam from real emails and then fell for a con losing $1500. We check it every week and delete the spam.

Everyone needs to go on Youtube and watch the guy with Scammers Payback.

Typical "romance scam." Just google it.

I now monitor my dad's FB, email, home phone and cell phone accounts because he got into a grant scam last fall.

Facebook -- I review his friend requests and report the fakes. If he posts anything "public" on FB, I change it to "friends only." It is a fact, the bulk of scammers reach folks because of their public posts on FB. I have a friend whose posts are always public and she always has men saying that they admire her posts and have sent her a friend request.

I investigate every phone number dad spends more than a few seconds on and if they are dubious and he can't explain them to me, I block them.

I'm going down today (he lives five hours away) and plan to visit his banks with him tomorrow and get myself set up on his accounts so that I can monitor them online.

These are the steps I've taken, hopefully some of them are useful to you.

Simple disconnect her internet provider and tell her it’s out of service for a while also let her watch the Tinder Swindler on Netflix and let her see how easily women are conned or could you get power of attorney and monitor her bank details?

I just watched a documentary called the TinderSwindler. Many young woman were deceived by a scammer who impersonated a billionaire. I couldn’t grasp how any woman can give $200,000 to a guy.

Your mother should watch this documentary and she’ll open her eyes. Criminals will do anything for money.

Only one solution to the problem...get a guardianship attorney to help you file a petition for guardianship of her financial estate. You may not need to be guardian of her person estate as well. If it is granted, you take the letter to all financial institutions, SS, etc and you will then take complete control of her finances.

I am 75 and on the computer all the time. The second time I got the SAME STORY (working overseas on a peacekeeping mission, a single dad, his kid is in AMERICA in a boarding school, I looked up the person's pages. ALL HAD DIFFERENT pictures, mostly military pictures. All were white. That is when I realized it could be THE SAME person with different names and pictures. I UNFRIENDED them immediately and warn other seniors on my Facebook pages. Please read these comments to your mom. She is IN NEED OF LOVE and THAT is killing her. A Psych specializing in aging might help. Also TAKING AWAY her computer and credit cards AND CHECK BOOK might shock her into realizing you love her enough TO NOT let anyone hurt her or take advantage of her tremendous need for love

angela1973, bring up Emily Post or Ann Landers, your Mom should know who they are, and just say that Emily or Ann said no women should be giving a man money. And no self respecting man would ever ask a women to pay his way.