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Mom has been in memory care for just over a month now. I think she is settling in okay. She tells people she is here to be with people her own age and I think that's fine. She has not asked to leave or go home.


Since being here, there has been an issue with laundry. In less than four weeks I've replaced pants for her three times now as they keep getting lost. First, my fault, I bought those iron on labels with her name on them. They lasted about one laundry cycle. I found out by looking in the NHs "no name" pile they have for laundry. I found a bunch of her clothes, not all. So then I started writing her name with permanent marker. They lost more. I brought more and wrote her name with permanent marker in big letters again and now I'm replacing them, again. This time I called the social worker and left a message asking why laundry gets lost so often. I've talked to the ladies that work on the floor with mom and they all say laundry is a big problem there. I've also talked with a couple of sons/daughters of others that live there and they have also told me there is an issue with laundry. I could do her laundry myself. This is an option, but if something were to happen to me (or for whatever reason) and I couldn't do it, there is no one around to help. I was really hoping I could trust them to just do the laundry.


I received a call back yesterday from the social worker and a nurse manager was also on the call. They were telling me that this is an issue with memory care, because they wander. I have never seen anyone "wandering" while holding clothes in the many times I've been there. They told me if I'm that worried about it they can move her to a different part of the building with less people. They said it isn't a locked unit but they could put a monitor on her that would alarm if she tried to leave. I asked if they really want to move her just because of a laundry issue.


This is when they started talking about moms new male friend. They asked if I knew about him. I saw that in the last few days mom had been walking with him and he was sitting with her at dinner the last time I visited. I told them yes. They said my mom and this man were spending a lot of time together. They said they were concerned about it. I told them it looked pretty innocent to me from what I'd seen so far. I said it looked like they had just started hanging out together, it had only been a couple of days. This poor man will stop you in the hallway and try to ask something but will forget before he even gets the sentence out. I really wasn't that concerned about him. They told me it was all innocent so far, but that we could move mom before it became a problem.


I know that change for mom is not good. When I first placed her in this place, she became almost zombie like. She wouldn't even talk to me much for the first week. I've been pretty relieved that she seems to be settling in and making friends. She is enjoying some of the activities and sitting with different people at dinner.


I told the social worker and nurse manager this and that I really didn't want to move her and start all over again. I asked why they were so concerned about mom hanging around with this man. They said they were seen walking into rooms together and they wanted that to stop before something not so innocent starts.


Yesterday, mom calls me and I told her I would see her that evening. She asks if it's okay her male friend is there. I said that would be fine. They do act completely innocent. I talked to the nurses and aids working last night and they all said they didn't think it was any issue at all and they don't think mom should be moved. No one on that floor agreed with what I had been told. I have to wonder, did this social worker and nurse manager have ulterior motives for wanting to move my mom? I know she wanders and I don't think it's a good idea for her to be in an unlocked unit. All this just for a laundry issue?

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okay about the laundry issue... I had a friend in a nursing facility and her family kept buying her new items... after the third time the family decided to sew (sewed it over several times over) a label on the front of the shirts, skirts, dresses - everything. the nursing home complained to her and she told them once her clothes stop missing then I will not sew on the labels on. Funny the clothes stopped disappearing. The companion issue - just keep an eye on it. Go there at different times and check on them. Blessings
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I married my first husband complete with nice woven name tags from his boarding school days. So I got the same ones for his mother. Bits and pieces of clothing are still around with ‘Martyn’ and ‘Dora’ labels, and they make me smile – years after the minutes of my time sewing them on. I wear one of Dora's dresses as a nightie, and remember her every time I take it out of the wardrobe.

When Dora was eventually in the NH, I don’t think we ever bought new clothes for her. We just brought in a new selection from her wardrobe. Sometimes bought something nice from an OpShop.

I got narked when the nice rug I bought her disappeared, but after her death it turned out that all the donated rugs etc were on her bed, and were returned to us.

Try to keep the stress level down. None of the laundry problems should be bad enough to control behavior or plans. Yours, Margaret
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JoAnn29 Mar 2023
How sweet Margaret. Sent u a PM
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Beekee, I think your answer hit closet to home.
After only about a week, he became too overbearing for mom.
At first they all said he was better with mom around but then he wouldn't be without her. And he is much more confused than mom, asking her how to do everything. It was stressing mom out. But she wouldn't tell me. I would ask her every day if she was okay having him around. She would just shrug and complain that he didn't listen.
Then I got another call from the nurse saying they wanted to move mom. She said mom came into her office to sit so she could get a break from him. I came to visit that evening and another nurse came over to talk to me about it in front of mom. Mom said she didn't want to be around him any longer and he was too attached to her. She said he was making her anxious. She said she couldn't even sleep because he would stand outside her room.
Last Friday we moved mom to regular long term care. This may be a blessing in disguise. I originally wanted mom in regular long term care as I thought she would have better conversations. She does have terrible short term memory but does remember some things. Mom is so sociable though that she did well in memory care too.
Since being in this new area, she has seen her male friend twice. They don't allow him near her but I think she thought he would be completely gone. She felt bad and didn't want to hurt his feelings. She feels guilty for leaving him. I do think he has already forgotten about her.
So far, mom thinks this new area is better and she thinks she might like it better. It's only been three days. I am now out of town, at her house for three days this week, I didn't want to leave her since she moved but already had this planned with work to go and continue cleaning out her house. Maybe it will give her time to make new friends.
I pray this all works out, I worry about her so much.
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My mother was in an intimate relationship with a man for 2 years while in memory care. They met in memory care, never knew each other before. Neither one of them was married, so that was not an issue. They were friends first, then within weeks they were sleeping together in the same bed every night, sometimes in her room, sometimes in his room. The staff had no policy against it, so it was up to the family members whether they wanted this to continue. It certainly made the 2 of them very happy for 2 years.

However, some disadvantages:
---The man refused to go anywhere or do anything without my mother. They could not get him to do physical therapy without her. They could not get him to take medications without her. They struggled to toilet him and change his clothes, because policy said another resident was not allowed to witness that due to privacy. My mother refused to leave his side, so she never participated in activities.
--As the man became more agitated due to his worsening dementia, my mother was under more stress. He resisted every type of care from aides, and every time an aide walked into the room, he started yelling at the aide, so my mother was witnessing yelling matches several times per day.
--The man had trouble falling in the night, so his daughter tried to hire a private duty aide to sit in the room all night to make sure he didn't fall. But the aide refused to work for the set fee with 2 memory residents in the room instead of one. Aides tried to get my mother to sleep in her own room, alone, but the man wouldn't have it. In my mother's version of events, strangers came into the room and yelled at her to get out, her boyfriend fought them off, and she barricaded herself in her room with boxes against the door.

Well, you get the picture of some of the downsides of a romantic relationship between 2 people in memory care.

Fortunately, my mother's boyfriend was loyal and never had any intimacy with any other woman in memory. But you can imagine how that would be a problem.

In the end, the man was forced to move to another facility due to his agitation and aggressive behavior with aides. So suddenly he was gone and they never had any communication again. His family did not want communication. My mother was devastated.
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Mom has only been there a month so you and mom are still adjusting, getting used to the staff and set up/procedures. Likewise the staff and facility are getting to know you and Mom. I don’t think there is anything wrong with vocalizing concerns and trying to be part of the solution, in fact seems like that would be far preferable to the facility than the way some families handle these things. That said they stupid don’t really know who you are and what your approach is, are you picky expecting them to meet unrealistic expectations, expecting your issues to come before all others? Are you going to be practically non existent and just happy someone else is in charge or, as I suspect here, something in between? They don’t really know yet and frankly what Mom is wearing might not even be noticed by some families but the fact that she has a male friend might send them spinning, different strokes for different folks. But let’s face it laundry, as much of a PIA as it is, isn’t as important as Moms happiness and safety so during this settling in get to know you period I would probably choose a combination of the things you have talked about. Making sure her name is in and on everything securely as well as doing her laundry yourself for the time being. Maybe double check with them or make sure you know the contact person so in the event you can’t get there one or two weeks they will do it. Maybe at least while she is “Medicaid pending” so you can put that fear to rest, you are very fortunate to have found a suitable place that took her in without any self pay requirement. They are fortunate to have a patient with family that is happy to help make this the best experience possible without unreasonable expectations.

Your mother is a wanderer, shouldn’t be an issue or surprise in MC and has some separation anxiety, also not unusual for first time in a facility, other than that sounds like she’s fairly easy on their time. She may have simply transferred her dependence on your company to her new male friend which should make things easier on them with both patients from the sounds of it, unless of course either family objects. Again they don’t know you and being that she is the female (right or wrong) they may have just been taking your temperature on the relationship as well as making sure you know they are keeping track of things and are willing to work with you. It doesn’t sound like either your mom or the gentleman are being “the aggressor” and based on the way you describe him it seems likely his family might be equally happy to know he has made a friend. I think your instinct is good not to get too worked up about the relationship and in fact be happy about it since your mother doesn’t seem concerned and seems happier with her new living arrangements. Of course keeping an eye on it and checking in with her to make sure nothing has changed on her end is prudent and it might be good to let the social worker and nurse manager know how much you appreciate knowing they are watching out and will bring any possible concerns to your attention early. Encourage the open dialogue by letting them know you welcome it and don’t over react, maybe ask what their preferred method of communication is if you have any questions or concerns for them and what your are in situations like this when they want to address something with you. Then after things are settled and you feel you are on solid ground with the staff try the laundry service again and address any issues.
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As far as clothes are concerned the way our clothes stop being put into a universal clothes bin is to let the staff know you will wash/return the clothes yourself and have a extra full week of clothes at the facility so she never runs out of clothes.
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Regarding lost clothes: the facility should reimburse you for missing clothing. You need to give them receipts. Another great suggestion I heard about,albeit too late was to take pictures of clothing. My least favorite facility of the 3 my mother has been in had the best marking system. They labeled the clothing and those labels never came off. They still lost clothes and it was a relief to have those items credited to her bill even if it took awhile. I just wanted to get this response to you about your issue. I now feel I would get an A in a course on elder care lost items in facilities. Not a huge claim to fame but I will take it. If you get serious with them about this they are likely to give the issue better attention. They don't want to lose money. I even got the facility to reimburse me for a foot pedaler that disappeared after an aid dropped my mother breaking her femurs and rendering it useless to her. I didn't have the receipt but I showed them a printout of what a replacement would cost. It is all so frustrating. Now the present place doesn't lose items but another resident goes into rooms and takes items. They recently found a book I had put in the room. They constantly have to bring residents TV controllers. She tried to take an employee's purse which was actually fortunate because it quickly involved the staff social worker. Hope you have better days with all of this.
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rapidswimmer, when my Mom was in a nursing home, I would come in weekly and gather her laundry from the hamper. One week I couldn't make it due to illness, and the facility noticed the hamper was overflowing, so they went ahead and did Mom's laundry for me, no charge.

As for missing clothes, it's my understanding that sometimes the residents will "gift" a piece of clothing to another person, and forget that they did. And, yes, there would be times that the laundry gets mixed up.

As for the male friend, how sweet they are having meals together at the same table, and are holding hands. As for intimacy, what does the Staff mean by that word? It might be different than what we think. Age does create a multitude of challenges in that department.
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Maybe you should order name tags you sew in. At Moms NH they had a machine they tagged the clothes with. Those suckers would not come off unless put in the machine again. You have to tag everything, even socks. Someone liked one of Moms nightgown, it was always missing. I took pictures of everything I took in there so I could show the laundress what I was looking for. She always found it. I took pictures of Moms glasses and wrote her name on the inside of her shoes.
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rapidswimmer Mar 2023
I am sewing name tags in all the clothes that are too dark to write in. I'm just sewing the iron on tags I already purchased. I hadn't thought of taking pictures but they won't let me in the laundry room, I've asked. I understand that things come up missing but I'm not seeing anyone else wear her clothes. I think I would recognize them. I wrote her name on her shoes on the outside where it's white. I should try to write it on the inside too, great idea.
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This surprises me. Special friendships whether with a male or female is extremely common in memory care facilities. Staff are used to it, and most facilities are well enough staffed and monitored to handle these special friendships.

When speaking with administration try to turn questions back to them. For instance: when they say "Mom has a special friend, are you aware". Say simply "Yes, I am glad of that." If they say "Seems innocent so far" say "What are your concerns exactly". If they say something about intimacy ask if they are not well enough staffed or otherwise monitored to correct for this. Just keep the ball in their court. I am uncertain, as you write this, exactly WHAT their concerns are and exactly WHY you would ever consider moving your Mom when this gentleman and your Mom are content in this facility.

To be honest I don't know of seniors in ALF or MC who do NOT form special friendships.
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rapidswimmer Mar 2023
I was surprised too!
I am happy she found a friend. Just recently, they talked to me about how anxious mom gets when I'm not there, teary eyed, crying, etc. They asked if I minded putting her on anti-anxiety meds. At first I said no, but after her calling twice in about 4 hours and when I visited that same day I saw her asking them to call again and she was almost crying before she saw me walk in. So I told them maybe the anxiety drugs are okay. They just started her on Lexapro.
Usually when I visit and go to leave I have to practically run out the door so she doesn't try to follow. But yesterday, as I was leaving, I said good-bye and when I turned back around to see if she was following, she was walking down the hall with him. Not upset at all and was smiling.
While visiting, I asked if he was bothering her or around her too much. She kind of rolled her eyes and said he was boring. I told her if he's any trouble at all to her, to let me know and I would take care of it. She just acted like she could take him or leave him. She said she didn't want to hurt his feelings. I really think she likes having the friendship.
I told the nurse manager and social worker I wanted to talk to the people working on the floor with her and I wanted to talk to her before making any decisions. They told me it was completely my decision. I'm just not going to call them, I want to see how this plays out. I will be visiting again tomorrow, I will ask the nurses and aids on the floor again then and I'll ask mom again.
She is still "Medicaid pending" so I'm worried they will try to make her leave. Is that possible? Are they wanting to move her to get an open bed? I am trying not be trouble cause I want mom to settle in and be happy but the laundry thing is getting expensive. I've just resorted to shopping at thrift stores so I can afford it and it seems they have a better selection in her size anyway.
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All your concerns and worries are justified (laundry, their attitude, etc.). They're sloppy (it's not that difficult to decrease the number of times laundry gets lost). As for your mom's male friend: nice she has a friend!

As you know, a lot of people (not just people who work in NH, memory care, etc.) want to get rid of "trouble": if they can, they swipe it under the table, and dump the problem onto someone else (like, suggesting to move your mom to another place). It's well-known that in facilities, if families create too much "trouble" (complaining, criticizing, even though it's totally justified), they might neglect, or want to get rid of the patient. I know people who worked in facilities, who told me, if families caused "trouble", the patient was less and less tended to.
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