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Hi Everyone,


This may be a bit of an odd post but I need some input. I'm 34 and single. Since the pandemic began, my mom has asked me to designate somebody as my medical power of attorney (she works in healthcare). I actually don't have one right now so probably a good idea.


I'm really feeling conflicted. My dad is 75 and is starting to have a few memory problems. Right now, he sometimes forgets where things are or he'll forget conversations. Not really sure if it's medication related, just normal aging issues, or early dementia. He goes to the VA for healthcare and he only has a nurse practitioner, not a doctor. He's stubborn about his own medical issues, so that doesn't help.


I'm really feeling conflicted about it. Right now, I'm leaning towards having them both listed but making it clear, they need to make decisions together. On the one hand, I don't want to create drama but.....


I have a sister that will be listed as secondary.


I'm just confused.

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Thanks everyone for your input. This whole thing came up because of the pandemic. While my mom has no problems making medical decisions, she's not going to be around forever. Plus, with my dad's issues we've been noticing, I just couldn't quite figure out what to do without feeling weird.

I'll talk to my sister and a friend. The state of Wisconsin has all the forms available online with instructions. I know my mom won't care who it is, she just wants it taken care of.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Oh! I thought it was for YOU. Yes, Mom should do this. Even her instructions put into words would help family if needed.
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Hi, not sure what state you are in, but the easiest way to handle this at your age for healthcare decisions would be to get an Advance Directive. It usually depends on your state you can pull one up online or most hospitals can supply you with one to fill out. POA will help with the financial piece. However if you don’t have a lot of finances you can just add a designated person to your bank accts etc. in case there is a need to access money. also you should definitely not add your parents unfortunately right now it is not a good idea with their current health concerns. Your sister should be the one if that is whom you trust or even a friend. it does not have to be a family member. I work in healthcare and I see it all the time someone will designate outside of family as a POA and healthcare agent these are two separate things .. and again it depends on your state. Good luck and don’t worry I waited for a while to do this same thing you just don’t think of these things but now in the current state of things it is a good idea.
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SNeedsAVacation Jul 2020
In Wisconsin, you have to fill out a Power of Attorney for Healthcare. As for finances, that I'm not too worried about. All my bills are paid via EBT every month.

None of this occurred to me until my mom brought it up, cue panic when she said I could have her or dad or my sister do it. I'll have a conversation with my sister and a friend.
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1. Given your age, the MPOA in all likelihood will just sit in a drawer. So don't get its importance out of proportion: it is much likelier than not that it won't be needed.

2. In the event that it is needed, it arguably should not be in the hands of people who will be sentimental about medical decisions. That rules out your parents (which is handy, because for other reasons they're not ideal); I don't know if it rules out your sister. It sure as heck wouldn't rule out mine, but then my sister is not someone I'd pick unless I wanted to be donated to medical science while still alive...

3. The person does not have to have medical expertise, they just have to be the sort of person you'd be content to put on a jury, say. Someone who is capable of listening to information and doing a fair average job of evaluating it, alongside implementing your stated wishes with common sense.

I don't know what field you work in, but do you have a friend or reliable co-worker you could suggest doing this with? - you do hers, she does yours sort of arrangement. As the urgent need - because I assume it's Covid that prompted your mother to prompt you - is short term, this might do the trick nicely.

Read through your state's guidelines on POLST and advance directives before you sign anything. They're often helpful in alerting people to issues that might otherwise not occur to them.
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SNeedsAVacation Jul 2020
Yeah, as soon as cases starting going up in the last few weeks, my mom asked if I had anyone designated to make healthcare decisions on my behalf. I have no problem doing it.

Designating my sister or a friend would be ideal. My mom has enough to deal with between my dad and 89 year old grandmother with dementia. The conversation started "You should really have somebody who can make decisions for you, you can designate me, your dad, or somebody else." Cue panic and me thinking "Dad forgets where stuff is all the time."
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To be frank I would take this out of your parent's hands. Put in in the hands of your sister if you trust her to do this for you. Make it clear in a sit down conversation exactly what you DO want and exactly what you DO NOT want. Make certain she understands your wishes. Put them in writing. Know that you can add a sheet of specific instructions, as per your wishes. Do not make it two people. You may put down a successor if one person is unable, but do not make two people, as it leads to bickering. Make your instructions SPECIFIC as you are able. For instance "I will accept parenteral (IV) nutrition for no more than 3 months; I will accept tube feedings for no more than 3 months" or "Should I remain in comatose state or unable to answer and act for myself for more than 3 months I would ask that my care become palliative, and I would request hospice care with no artificially delivered nutrition" This supplement should be attached to the form you fill in. And you should discuss everything with your Sister, or whomever you choose.
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