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My 84 yr. old mother has severe anxiety, especially when she must be alone while I work. I moved the 2 of us to Missouri 2 mon. ago to reduce my expenses to the point that I could be home with her more by working part-time. Trouble is, she now wants me to stay at home with her FULL-TIME. She wants to pay me $2,000/mo of her $2,200 SSI, IRA disbursement & pension as rent. I make all of her meals, wash her clothes, drive her to doctor appointments, manage her money, manage her medications, change her bed, do all of the housekeeping...basically what an assisted living facility would do for her. This "rent" would be my sole income and, from it, I would be paying the mortgage, property tax, homeowner's insurance, electric, phone, satellite TV, vehicle insurances, gasoline, any "entertainment" (eating out, movies, tickets for plays, concerts, etc) and food & medications for BOTH of us. My CPA says it's all legit if she signs a renter's agreement & that I would just file a tax return for the rental income. I want to keep her here at home as long as possible (hopefully until the end) but I'm realistic that it *may* not be possible & I'm absolutely PARANOID about Medicaid look-back. There is NO WAY I can afford to pay out of pocket for her care in a NH. Unfortunately, there are no elder lawyers in this rural area & I would have to drive 2.5 hrs to the nearest one. I already have medical AND financial POA. If I have her sign a rental agreement, will Medicaid see her "rent" payment to me as legitimate expenses or as a "gift"?

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Rent is a legitimate expense. If you fear that is too high for the going rate where you are, make it room and board, or rent and a personal care agreement. Medicaid does not expect applicants to have been living with no expenses. They are expected to have been paying rent, for food, and for care if they need it. Those are all legitimate expenses.
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Is her anxiety being treated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Are you ready and happy to retire and spend the next 10-15 years doing mom's bidding? Do you have plans for respite, vacations, adult day care so she has socialization?
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Babalou...I live in a very rural area that has few resources. The closest elder lawyer is 2.5 hrs away & "specialized" services such as geriatric Psych are not available. Mom's family doc is working to find the right med to control the anxiety. He started her on Seroquel & then upped the dosage after 2 weeks. It seems to help but I think I need to drop her dose back because the higher dose seems to make her confused.

At this point it would not matter anyway...my mother adamantly refused to see a Geri. Psych in our old town, refused in-home companion/care, refused adult day care & refused to consider AL, even for a 1 week respite for me. She has refused all attempts I've made to have her socialize on her own. She will interact with others...as long as I stay with her.

I did consult an elder lawyer in our old town & his "solution" was that he had an "in" with a local nursing home & if I could trick Mom into going there, for $12K, he'd make sure they'd " 'snow' her into submission". Yes, he actually said that!! Not only is that ethically wrong, it's illegal!

The selfishness of both my brother & my mother & lack of consideration for the burden I carry, have placed me in a position to provide for her care that I can't get out of. I can't legally force her into a facility against her will & I also can't evict her out of my house to force her into care by letting her fail living on her own because, a.) She refuses to leave my home; b.) I could be found negligent (per the Office of Aging) if I did so knowing she's not capable on her own. The only way I can force her into a NH is if she's declared legally incompetent & that won't happen unless I can prove that she is a "clear or present danger to herself". I've been advised that, unless she purposefully, or accidentally, tries to burn down my house, threatens herself or others with a weapon or wanders off, there's no judge alive that will declare her incompetent. So, yeah, like it or not, I have no choice in providing her care.

Vacations? Respite? What are they? I wasn't getting either one before I quit my job, either. She refuses respite stays & my brother was unwilling to stay with her. The last trip away was the very last time I could beg my brother to stay with her & that was 2013. Wasn't a complete respite for me, though, because my anxious mother was calling me 2 or 3 times per day the whole time. So, yeah, haven't had either of those options before, either.

I was stressing myself out trying to work full-time, maintain my home (mom won't lift a finger) & care for Mom. I am single &, other than my useless brother, have no other siblings or family to assist. At least quitting work has removed the added stress of working.
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I wish it would work, tacy022, but Mom will listen to no one. Her mind is made up that she's staying put & she won't budge for anyone. I've tried to talk with her about the burden she's placing on me but she'll claim that she has no problem staying alone & there's no reason i can't go places or even work...but when the time comes for me to go, she's crying & wringing her hands & telling me she doesn't want me to go or sje wants to go along because she's afraid to be alone. I tried working in the garden last night. She could easily see me from the living room window but she came outside 4 times in 30 minutes asking when I'd be back in because she didn't want to be alone. I tried to take a 15 min respite in the shower & she came in 3 times asking if i was ok & if I'd be coming back out to the living room soon. Again, when I confront her with this & tell her how smothering it is to basically have a stalker, she gets angry, says I'm exaggerating, she's fine being alone & how could I be so mean? Like i said before, I'm trapped in a legal donut hole or no-man's land or whatever you want to call it. I thought i was being the good daughter having her move in with me a few he ars back but, apparently, no good deed goes unpunished because now I can't force her into AL & I can't evict her.
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Your CPA is only looking at the TAX question, not the LEGAL question. So find a sample care contract online, print it out, fill in the blanks. Have mom sign that in front of two witnesses that are not related to her, but know her.
And for sure, do the taxes on it, or it will be a gift in Medicaid's eyes.
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Has you mother always been mentally ill? I don't say that to be mean, but that's what I'm reading here.

I want you to think, long and hard, about what would happen in you died from a heart attack and couldn't care for mom any more. that's right, she'd go into care and doubtless be happy as a clam. My very strong suggestion would be for YOU to find yourself a therapist, order the book Boundaries from Amazon and start doing some work for you. This kind of situation is untenable.

What happens if you hire outside help and get out for an afternoon? She cries? So she cries. So she wrings her hands. Please give this some thought. You need to take care of your mothers NEEDS not her WANTS.
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I must say I'm a bit confused by it all. The CPA crunched numbers in front of me & said that if mom signs a rental contract for room & board that the rental money would get reported to the IRS on a schedule E form & that at $24000/yr, my adjusted gross income would be so low that i wouldn't owe any tax.

Tacy022, how can I make myself into a company if I'm not actively looking for clients other than a relative? Also, I was told that if I went with a caregiver contract that Mom would be seen as my employer & she would be hit with taxes for the part of SSI or whatever that is normally paid by a traditional employer.

Honestly, it's like no one actually knows what to do for me to protect myself if I have her in my home, but no one can give me any ways to legally force her into AL. The elder lawyer I spoke with back home was obly interested in collecting a huge fee by having a nursing home illegally sedate her into submission. Another lawyer I spoke with back home advised Mom to give me $500/mo because she could (allegedly) do that without either of us incurring taxes or affecting the lookback period. Well, the lawyer I just spoke with here tells me that was completely wrong & that money WILL affect the lookback because Medicaid will see it as a gift. One tax person here mentioned about the office thing but never mentioned that I'd have to do an LLC. The CPA says a simple rent agreement is fine & that money will be reported as rental income. And another lawyer here has told me that I can write my own care contract & have her sign it, no lawyer need be involved, nor any witnesses. EVERY PERSON I TALK TO GIVES ME A DIFFERENT ANSWER AND I DONT WHAT IS CORRECT!!!
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Babalou....even if she would relent & let a hired sitter/caregiver into the house (she hasn't in the past), the expense is what has prevented us from going in that direction. Since she gets medication in the middle of the day & can't manage them herself, I'd have to hire a licensed nurse & the cost would be much higher than the $19/hr aide. And, no, my mother was always the "rock" of the family but these anxiety issues started in her mid-70's & have only snowballed the older she gets.
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Have your MOM pay her own expenses...rent, utilities, household food, etc. instead of paying you. If you're happy not working and becoming a 24/7 caregiver to mom, good luck with that. If mom needs that, she needs assisted living at the least. Keep your part time job. Let mom pay all the living expenses. Have her buy your car and pay to run it. Etc. no checks to you.

Your mom would like you to be home with her all the time. I would like to be taller.
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MaggieMarshall...I fully agree that Mom needs assisted living but, as I have explained before, if she says she won't go, I LEGALLY CAN'T MAKE HER! Even if I took her for a one week respite, the facility has already told me that they cannot legally prevent her from leaving...even if her only way out was to walk off on her own. Now how safe is that?

If I allow her to stay home alone, not only do I have to deal with multiple phone calls at work that stress me out, I have to worry what's going on at home. Her sense of judgement goes out the window when she gets nervous...all she can think about is whatever has her bent out of shape & I spent many days at work wondering if, in her hyper-anxious state, that she would leave the stove on & burn down my house. Talk about stress!

Even if things like that weren't a concern, I have 3 giant-breed dogs that weigh over 200 lbs each. When I am not here, she insists on taking them out to pee on a leash instead od just turning them loose in the fenced yard. She does it because she claims they won't come in when she calls and, if they don't, it sends her anxiety through the roof. She's 84, 93 lbs & her osteoporosis is SO bad that her doc says some day a bone will break just from her own body wt & cause her to fall. Falling would most certainly cause at LEAST one break. If one of the dogs pulls her down, she's falling on concrete! Again, how safe is that?!

I've been told that, since she lives in my home, knowingly leaving her in a situatuon where I know she could get hurt or die could leave me open for prosecution for neglect. I love my mother but I'm not willing to gi to jail for her!
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