Hello,
I joined this forum because two things happened today that have given me cause for some concern.
Two months ago, I moved back into the family home to look after my father, who is 73. Our mother died two and a half years ago. My father and mother were married for 40 years.
I am not sure of what I am seeing regarding my father's recent behaviors. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
My father obsessively organizes the garbage. The garbage that is to be taken to the road is set on top of the washer (the washer and dryer are also in the kitchen). Whenever something in the garbage leaks, it spreads from the bag all over the top of the washer and also onto the dryer top, where he keeps his important papers (schedules, important mail). He gets upset when he notices his papers are wet and smelly, and also complains that the washer and dryer tops are dirty, but doesn't make the connection that it's the leaking garbage. Nor does he clean the washer/dryer tops or move his papers.
That is his habit. I do not try to change the habit. I have gently pointed out that it's the garbage and have made it a habit to clean the tops when I do my laundry.
Today, I noticed a very bad smell in the kitchen and found almost liquefied, rotting vegetables, wrapping in plastic grocery bags, leaking all over the washer, dryer, his papers, and onto the floor. I cleaned up the mess and put the mess in the bags in a small can, beside the washer. He hasn't been in the kitchen yet since I did this, so I don't know if he will see the new can or what his reaction will be.
We have a regular trashcan, with a closing lid, in the pantry but it is "not to be used" because "it takes up too much space in the landfill."
The second thing that happened today is my father started choking. He is alright, we got the food out and he's fine now. But, he started choking because he "put as much as he could into his mouth" and realized too late it wasn't all going to go down. It got stuck.
These two specific instances say to me that my father's ability to understand cause and effect are diminishing to the point of affecting his well-being and functioning in everyday life.
But I don't know for sure what I am looking at, or if there's any real cause to be concerned. I've never known my father to be the person with the most common sense in our family (that was my Mom), but even with that said, these two instances seem very telling / concerning.
Thank you for reading, and I would appreciate any insights.
How does he sort the garbage, or I should ask what is he sorting?
Can you give him 3 bins.
1 for recycle items like glass, paper and some plastics
1 for actual garbage that can not be recycled
1 for food waste that can be put in the yard to compost. (get a compost bin)
I suppose the easy thing to do would be you just take the garbage out when you go out in the morning.
Start putting smaller portions on his plate and make sure tougher things are cut up smaller. Switch to a salad plate if he notices the smaller portions and use a salad fork and tea spoon in place of the dinner fork and larger spoon.
Monitor liquids, often choking is on liquids as dementia progresses.
But I would get him in for a "yearly" check-up and send a note to the doctor in advance of your concerns.
He saves milk jugs, coffee containers, and ice cream bins to put it all in. So, for example, all wrappers, lids, banana peels, basically whatever can be fit through the opening, goes in there. The vegetables didn't make it into these containers because they were too big.
All paper / cardboard goes into a laundry basket in the hall to be burned (it's legal to burn non-toxic materials like leaves and paper / cardboard in your yard in our state).
All plastic bottles go in a cardboard box in the living room, to be taken to his friend who recycles (we do not recycle because this would take away income from his friend).
All aluminum goes into another cardboard box in the dining room, which also go to his friend for recycling.
Yes, I agree with you that easy answer is for me to take the garbage out in the morning. However, me taking the garbage out would disrupt his routine and also make him feel incompetent because "He's been taking out the garbage for 40 years." I.E., that was his task in terms of his marriage and family life. If I could take the garbage out without a battle I absolutely would.
I'm hoping he will see the little can by the washer as an improvement upon his own idea (which is placing the garbage to be taken out on the washer because the washer is by the back door) instead of a disruption to his way of doing things.
I do not prepare meals (not yet) for him because we like different things, eat at odd hours, and he also prefers things he can eat out of the container (like peanut butter and crackers, which is what he choked on) rather than deal with doing the washing up. He also likes tends to compare any cooking done for him to Mom's and that's also a battle I'd rather not fight. If it's not done just like her cooking, he won't eat it, and then he'll complain about wasting food. But I did gently suggest to him to take small bites and be sure to clear any phlegm in his chest and throat before eating.
However, we do have more plates and cutlery than we need (leftover from a lifetime), so perhaps he'll think it's a good idea to donate a lot of that.
His routine physical exam for Medicaid is coming up in a couple of months. I'll do as you say and speak with the doctor about my concerns.
Thank you for your time in answering and reading. I appreciate any insights.
I would expect that Dad is using the top of the washer, instead of a garbage can because he cannot reach down to put things in the garbage can. I know my Dad can no longer manage stepping the the lever that lifts the lid and dropping the garbage inside.
I got him a tall can with an open lid and he can drop about 90% of the trash in it. He puts tins for recycling in a bag that hangs on the back door. He used to have a compost bin under the sink, but again cannot manage opening the cupboard, lifting the lid, leaning in and dropping the stuff in the can. We had to move to an open bowl on the counter that is emptied every day.
The other issue is that Dad is not making the connection between the mess and the garbage. That indicates a level of cognitive decline.
Does Dad have his end of life documents updated? Since Mum has died, he should redo his Will and likely his POA documents. You will want this done while he has the mental capacity to do so.
There are many dementias that actually DO involve choking. Lewy's Dementia is one. There are times when the swallow just doesn't work and it can come and go. There are many other reasons for swallow difficulties, one of them being esophageal spasms, a narrowing of the esophagus. Either needs to be checked with a swallow evaluation.
It seems you are unable to speak with your Dad about any of this. In that you would have no power and I am uncertain how you can help.
Keep a diary. If there is a way to get what you are seeing to a medical doctor before exam, do so. But it is likely Dad will get wind of that.
Wishing you luck. If you are looking at what you think you are you will see more.