I may have to take my mom's dog away from her. Any advice?

Having been involved in animal welfare work for almost 50 years, I have one thing to say and it is the MOST IMPORTANT. Your mother may love her dog but if it is not cared for properly, it must be made safe - that comes first above emotions and missing the dog. The dog is helpless - you are not. If possible, and it can be done, find a loving foster home or better yet a family who will adopt and love an older dog. There can be wonderful outcomes. I rescued a cat who was nearly 13 from a similar situation - best thing I ever did for the cat and for me. That poor animal deserves to be safe and happy. Then deal with your mother. Distract, explain, whatever it takes. She can't and won't take care of the dog so you have to do it. Feel no guilt. It was your mother's fault and now she has to pay the price. Be strong.

I had a moment of panic when you said you might have to take the dog away. The dog is 11 years old and your mother loves him more than life itself. That sounds like me! I have a 13 year old border collie x Labrador, and feel exactly that way about her. Sometimes I wish there was an outside person who could take over feeding my dog. She'd be healthier. She's not overweight because I walk her everyday (one of the few breaks I get from caregiving my parents). But I do "treat" her to foods she ought not be eating. I love this dog and don't want her sick, but she's underfoot at the table, staring at my meal all the time. I shouldn't be doing it, but she'd starve herself (of dog food) to eat only human food, if she could. It's like she has me conditioned to reward her with toxic goodies just because she is one of only two companions who can really make me smile these days. Sometimes I feel like I couldn't go on living, but for my dog.
So, it may not only be dementia on your mother's part that leads to feeding her dog the wrong foods. It could be love. Taking away her dog could be traumatic both to your mother and to her dog.
I like many of the suggestions others have offered to this situation. Taking the dog out when your mother is eating, or bringing in a dog lover who can help with feeding and walking.
I beg of you to think about the bond that exists between your Mom and her dog. That bond can indeed be stronger than the bond between humans--few of whom love each other unconditionally. Dogs place no conditions on love. I hope you find a solution that doesn't involve a heartbreaking separation between the two of them.

It’s not the dog’s fault. Ever. If someone can’t care for the dog/cat , I guess shelters are the best option.

Walking the dog during your mother’s mealtime would be good for the dog.

Depending on memory situation, take the dog away for long and longer period of times. Say, he/she is going for a walk, a grooming etc...if her memory is good, you do have a problem as she will not stop feeding this dog, period! Personally have been through this. You will need to be the bad guy, question is, has this furry baby a place to go?

If someone has a pet for which they cannot care, take it away and find a better alternative.

My mom who does not have dementia, had 2 dogs. Of course one was always her favorite and she babied it and the other she always paid less attention to. The first one passed away from a longtime illness; it was expected. The other one who was so healthy soon thereafter wound up dying. I was living and working out of country at the time. I found out later that the 2nd dog had a seizure and Mom could not get help for him - could not/would not -- even though she could drive and lived 5 minutes from the nearest vet.

She waited for my brother and s-i-l who she called and who lived 45 minutes away at the time to find out, get ready and drive down to take her and the dog to the vet. Of course, by then he died.

I have never forgiven my mother and will never. She to this day does not think she did anything wrong.

Fast forward about 5 years, Mom is living with me ("not permanently" according to her, but for 8 months now and still talks about going back to her house 3 hours away to live with no support system in place. She has never had friends ( my brother and I were it) and is now 92; her only other child/my brother passed away a few years ago. She cannot be by herself.

And now, I recently took in 2 small, amazingly sweet dogs for someone who passed away who I was closed to. I see how much happier my mom is with them around and for her to "take care of", but she keeps talking about going back to her home with the 2 dogs. Would I ever allow that? No way! She has no way of taking care of them or herself on her own.

I had never planned on having other pets while still working my more than full-time job, as my adult child lives with me with another 2 pets. And enjoying life well with them. BUT things have been presented on my plate for some reason, and I won't turn any of them away. But I would never, ever support the idea of my mom or any person having a pet who cannot care for it..... that does not just mean feeding, petting, playing, and taking them outside, or opening the door of a fenced yard to play in..... it also means taking them to the vet when they are ill, and especially RECOGNIZING when the pet is not well, and following through with a vet when needed.

I love my Mom very much, but as someone who I only by the Grace of God have read about narcissistic personality disorder in the last 8 months my mom has lived with and realized after much, much reading, that I am not to blame, that it's her issues. I only wish I had found all of this out a long time ago. Now that I have accepted that things are the way they are, I do not support her going back to "her home", "her car", and am beginning to see some symptoms of possible dementia. I don't know and don't want to jump the gun, and as long as things are the way they are, do not see any reason to bring it to her or the doctor's attention, at this point.

I realize the initial conversation was 4 years ago, but just wanted to add personal insight to the pet issue. And apparently, I said a lot more....

There might be some Assisted living places that are affordible via Medicaid.  Better yet, have her doctor prescribe homecare and get some professional caregivers to come into the home. Most Medicare Advantage companies cover that if a doctor prescribes. Also, the best solution could be P.A.C.E. programs such as Innovage in California and are covered by Medicaid at a higher threshhold than regular Medicaid.  She could qualify even if she would not qualify for regular Medicaid.  Innovage is a great comprehensive program with many services and senior centers. All medical care and services are through their auspices. They are particularly good at assessing the problems and approach care as a team of various disciplines such as PT, OT, NUTRITION, SOCIAL NEEDS, PSYCHIATRIC and more. Innovage specialists perform a complete reassessment in the home and at the clinic site every six months . They also transport to appointments and center activities, feed nutritious food and have activities.  Try contacting Innovage in California. It will remove a huge burden from your shoulders.

Mom should probably not have a pet if she is unable to provide proper care for it. Please do NOT get her a bird. I own 4 pet parrots - who are needy. They will die of malnutrition if she forgets to feed them, or feeds them only people food.

The old threads are best. I have a 15 year old cat. He’ll be 16 in April. He eats a taste of certain human foods like chicken, hamburger, cheese, grits, he doesn’t always want a taste. He’ll refuse. He appears to be healthy and gets exercise in the yard when weather is good.

It would kill me if someone took my cat away. I’m crazy about that cat.

My mother and I were never close and her feelings did not change when she was older. I tried to do my part but my sister was the primary caregiver.I bought a very lifelike doll because she was focused on caring for children. She merely looked at the doll when I gave it to her. One day she was upset about "the babies" and my sister tried to interest her in the baby. Her response was "do you think I don't know that is not a real baby?" Some things never change. My mother had been a quilter so I made her a small lap quilt which she cut into pieces. Part of her brain still knew I was not a favorite.

my husband does that but since he has quit eating most foods the dog does not get much that can hurt it anymore. I would tell him not to feed her and he would get very upset

Jetcitygirl, I didn't have problems other than my mother trying to guilt me. I just kept reminding her that because she forgot the dog was outside and that she doesn't have a fence/gate...the dog ran away last year on the coldest day of the year and developed breathing issues (kinda like asthma) because she didn't know how to get the pills down the dog's throat. She then shuts up immediately and changes the subject.

Noticed the date after I posted...but because old posts
always come back around when someone has a similiar situation and does a search, posts could still help them so I decided to leave it be.

This thread is 2 years old.

Taking away your mom's dog (whom I'm sure she thinks of as her baby) could be devastating. For some, and expecially the elderly, their love for a dog (or cat) can be as strong as the love for their children or spouse. Stronger sometimes as I've known a few gals who were given an ultimatum by husbands ... either the dog goes, or they do. They did. I had to admit, even though I love my husband dearly, if he were to make me make that choice, he'd wished he hadn't. I wouldn't feel he really loved me if he were to try to make me give up my dogs and If I did I'd know I'd resent him forever, so it might as well be him that goes now.

I'd think twice before taking the dog from your mom, , even if it's for the dog's health, unless you're trying to hasten her death.

I had to replace the "Real Dog" with a life size model dog and it sits on the floor looking at my dementia friend from across the room. He believes it is real and talks to it continually. We say the other dog has gone for a walk. Of course this is only possible if the dementia is advanced. When he wants to feed it--- I say Oh no! I have given him his dinner! (Sometimes its easier to go into the patients world)

BeckyT, sometimes it isn't just the dementia. A dog can be a tripping hazard also. My mom broke 3 bones in a 3 month period. I watched her when she was here for a bit and almost tripped on the dog using her walker. I've also seen her kick the dog when she noticed it was in her way. As much as I know my mom loves the dog, I cannot risk her falling again breaking another bone or hurting the dog.

It doesn’t sound like your Mom’s Dementia is severe. It could be devastating to her to lose her dog. My Moms dog died while she was in Rehab and she has never gotten over it. The dog is one of the few constants left in her life.

Laura...I am so sorry you’re having this problem. I think whatever you decide will be the best decision as only you know what’s truly going on and the effects it’s having on everyone; including the dog. Mostly though, I’m really sorry for some of the responses people post. I’m still a bit new here and the majority of folks posting not only give good advice but do so with great compassion. (Many thanks to those who do!) It’s pitiful that there are a few who leave nasty, heartless or just plain useless comments. Perhaps that’s just the way they feel about themselves or their situation. Please don’t give up this forum because there are so many wonderful people who do give great advise and comfort. What I started doing after the first hateful post I received was as soon as I detected nasty wording I just stopped reading that post and moved onto the next one. Like I say, the major of us are trying to be helpful.

cak2135

Her dog, unfortunately, had to be euthanized.

My cat is almost seven years old and fit as a fiddle

Just get the dog and your mother to your house, OK? And make sure that the dog does not eat people food. I have a cat who is almost seven years old, and I never give him people food

Yes, Greta, thank you for reposting the OP's answer from a year ago.
LauraJ155 started an interesting and heart-tugging topic two years ago.
I learned from the wide variety of opinions.

Greta thanks for comming back with the update. So often the Op just disappears and we get no feedback which is very disappointing when one has taken the time to post a thoughtful post

From the OP about a year ago:

"I started this post back in January 2016 and thanks again for the good advice from all of you. Sadly, my Mom's dog had cancer of the spleen and had to be euthanized last March. That created a chain reaction and my Mom's health took a downturn as I was not surprised. She ended up in the hospital twice and also acute care rehab within this past month due to exacerbation of heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. She is now living with us and enjoys the company our our two small dogs. She is getting a lot better and I suspect she wasn't taking her heart meds properly due to her dementia. These incidents finally forced her to move from her condo which I have been trying to get her to do. Thanks all!"

Whoa! Zombie thread—it's been 2 years since the OP started this. Not only has this probably be long resolved, but the dog in question (who was 11 at the time) may have passed away from old age.

BUY A DRY INK BOARD AND WRITE ON IT "DON'T FEED THE DOG YOUR FOOD" OR USE HIS NAME.
PUT IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. I USE ONE ALL THE TIME FOR MY PARENTS.
HOPE THIS HELPS.

I also was in the same situation when I moved my Mom in with me I also took her dog. Well Mom got lost walking her dog which was very scary. She would knock on strangers doors asking where she lived. So I took over walking her dog (meanwhile I had kept my cats locked up in my bedroom) since the dog wanted to be the ONLY pet in the house.

I walked the dog on ice and in snow (I slipped so many times) because the dog refused to be on a runner. It took a lot out of me so I finally found a good home for the dog who is much happier now. It was a hard decision for me to make and looking back it was the right one. Now my Mom got attached to one of my cats.

We had the same situation. My mom adored her little dog but would get up at night (worse time) and feed her odd concoctions of chocolate and oatmeal, cookies, and other unsafe foods. I could not get her to remember to stop. God sent us an answer. A dear close friend lived near and had just lost her beloved pet and was terribly sad and she knew Chloe (big animal lover) and we suggested that Mom allow Debbie to take Chloe (who loved her) home at night so she would not be so lonely. She brought chlor back during the day on her way to work and picked her up at night, visiting mom daily. Mom missed Chloe but was so glad to help Debbie with sharing her precious dog. We bragged on her unselfish kindness and she agreed that she wanted to help. This was in the early stages of Alz when she understood but just could not remember. It worked well for a while even though she missed Chloe at night but she knew she did "odd things" in the
evening that might hurt her dog. Mom eventually got worse and only occasionally remembered and talked of Chloe while Debbie brought her over on "good days" as mom's condition deteriorated. Deb had many sweet years with mom's beloved dog, Chloe. I guess this is complex but hope some part of this may be a possibility for you.

I had the same situation. My mom adored her little dog but she was getting up during the night and feeding her odd combinations... oatmeal with chocolate (a real no no) , coca cola, cookies and other odd things, thinking she was making the dog happy. I could not convince her to stop so God blessed us with a wonderful situation (maybe this would work for you)... We had a dear friend/family member who lived close who we told Mom that she had lost her dog (actually it was a cat really) and how sad she was and could Debbie take Chloe home with her so she would not be so lonely at night? It was hard at first and she would bring her back on her way to work for mom to have her during the day when I could monitor what she gave her and mom was so happy to help Debbie, who would pick her up at night. Thankfully Debbie grew to love Chloe. Of course mom missed her but we would praise her for helping Debbie to deal with her grief and how kind and thoughtful that was... (early stages of Alz) and as mom got worse, the visits became less frequent as she adjusted and found out how happy Chloe was. We knew we had to control her behavior with Chloe and it did work pretty well, as I brought my dog over (I was there a lot) to allow her that love, laughter and cuddle time with me there to watch. Debbie grew to love Chloe and kept her for many years after mom "forgot". It was difficult for a while, but God sent us an answer.