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Hi, everyone! So, I am a 35 year old female from Maine. I am a full-time student and worker. I was married six years ago and have a 12 year old son who needs extra help/attention. In December, my 91 year old grandmother slipped on the ice. Although she had no broken bones, her health has declined rapidly. She has two children, one of which is an LPN, who refuse to care for her, even creating excuses to get out of helping me. My son sees what my father and uncle (not to mention cousins and siblings) are doing to me by not helping and he thinks that I am enabling them. In my opinion, if I stop helped her, no one will. But my husband is ready to leave me because I am completely drained and unattentive to MY FAMILY'S needs. I do understand when there are other perfectly capable, able-bodied familt members who can help. It's getting to the point where she needs care beyond what I am capable of providing. Hospice is involved but the LPN son lies about his involvement to keep their presence to a minimum. I would say something about this but I caught him in a lie about me living there with her and, if something happens to her, I would be held responsible. So, I avoid all interactions with the nurses/hospice so that I don't have to lie. Anyway, he lies to hospice about his presence and what he does but then literally leaves me with instructions on how to do EVERYTHING. And when he has to be present, he's SO verbally abusive towards her that I don't even want him there. But I do know that I can't do the medical stuff so either he has to or he needs to be honest with hospice. I am so tired and don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my husband (or child who resents not having his mother) but I also don't want my grandmother to die at home all alone. Unfortunately, I feel like all I can do to get her the proper care she needs is to call APS. Any advice would be great!

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When my mom started needing more help than I could give her, I just stopped helping her. I told her I'd get her groceries and meds and that was it. I had begged her to get help and she refused. I was spending more time at her home than mine, and I had two minor children. So, I just quit. And Mom finally hired someone.


You have done what you could, so tell your relatives it's time for you to focus on your family. And that's what you do. Decide what you don't mind doing for your grandmother (if anything) and tell them. No running over there for anything more or they won't take you seriously.
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Please choose your husband and son, they need to be first priority. Call APS and tell them what you’ve related here, the care is more than you can provide, the verbal abuse, her increasing needs, etc. I wish you well in getting out of this and becoming a solid participant in your own life and family
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It sounds like your grandmother is being abused and you held hostage by the uncle.
You are complicit in his lies by not speaking up. Why would he not want hospice there? Is the son living in her house? I’m not sure I understand.
Regardless, you are caught in a vice and your grandmother isn’t getting the help she needs. It’s probably time for her to go to a facility where she can live out her life in peace and you can visit as her granddaughter.
Listen to your son. He needs you.
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Your son is correct. You are the enabler in this situation.

Step away. Since Hospice is involved, won't they see that she doesn't have the help she needs?
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Don't sacrifice your family. You will regret it. Your child needs his mother. Your extended family doesn't care about you or your family and wants you to do everything. Make the call.
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At 12 y.o. your son is smarter than you.

You are throwing your son and husband under the bus so you can play martyr. Stop it.

Call APS and tell them about your grandma who needs help, and that you are not able to help any longer. Give APS the phone numbers to grandma's two children. Then go back to take care of your husband and son. They are your #1 responsibility.
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You need to talk to the Hospice supervisor and explain that they have been given the wrong info. That first, you don't live there. You have a family and a job. You give as much time as u can to grandmom but it now is effecting your personal life. You are a grandchild. There are adult children. If they can't be there for grandma, then aids will have to be hired.

Just ignore the Uncle. Gma is his responsibility. When Gma passes you don't have to have anything to do with him.
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Children and spouses come WAY before grandparents.

Your son is 100% right and seems quite insightful for someone so young.

Call APS, leave Grandma to them, and go back to your family. Your nurse brother sounds like a genuine PoS.
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