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My dad is 72 years old and mom 71and I moved them to the same town of live in, a block away. Brother lives 1000 miles away and little to know help. Dad has a slug of health issues, copd, macular degeneration, cataract surgery that failed, detoxing from alcohol, heart failure, high blood pressure and the list goes on. He was in a bad wreck a month ago where he ran into the back of a trailer going 55+ miles an hour. He said he didnt see the trailer, it was a bright and sunny day. He had to be flown to a hospital an hour away to have his face reconstructed. He had broken sternum, fractured ribs, cuts and bruises. He had dentures that cut the interior of his mouth so until his gums/mouth heal he has to have pureed foods. I found a company online to order and deliver so mom wouldnt have to be in the kitchen all day. I wrote another letter to his eye doctor before his appt and he finally told dad he didn't meet the requirements to drive and he needs to give it up. Dad is having a hard time with this and lashing out at me and mom and we are at our wits end. I called his doctors and dmv (making good sure the drs never used my name) a year ago to have his license revoked but it's not as easy as it sounds at all! I had rides lined up to take him to appts, grocery shopping etc but he refused that day. I found a car for mom to drive with insurance money and of course dad is having a hard time withat this and constantly tells my mom how to drive, where to turn etc etc. So many challenges ahead...but I'm ready to learn and grow thru this process.

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When I had to take the keys away, I had a hard time getting the eye doctor and primary care doctor to do it for fear of getting sued. I found out, that when he got a defibulator put in, he had signed paperwork agreeing not to drive and shouldnt have driven since 2010. If I were you, I would talk to his cardiovascular doctor, they seem to be a little more understanding.
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Who are the many who say dad has dementia? Are they people qualified to have an opinion? For example, does his doctor think this?

My mother had dementia about ten years. She was kind and compassionate throughout the journey. So was my husband during his ten years with dementia. It is certainly true that many people with dementia have changes to their personality, and often that includes unpleasantness. But that is not always the case, and it is not a way to tell whether someone has dementia.

As for the driving, of course he is having a hard time with the restriction. I imagine that would be true whether he has dementia or not. Who wants to give up that measure of independence? Be supportive of your mother during this difficult time.
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You mention that Dad can be nice, kind and compassionate, right? And let me guess....but not in your household! But he turns on the charm for the barber or bank teller or at church once in a while??.....am I right??

It's called showtiming. And it doesn't mean squat. I hate to say it, but don't assess Dad by his good days or good moments. That's an act that he cannot sustain.

Dementia is complex. And tricky. I learned my best, most eye-opening stuff on this forum. My mother died almost a year ago, and peoples' insights on this forum are shedding new light on behavior and "conversations" mom & I had up to 5 years ago. It blows my mind how unaware I was. Oh golly.

Keep reading, keep sharing here and keep learning. Big hugs.
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I'm glad mom can drive. Just don't put Dad in the car with her or he will distract her to the point she crashes too. You drive him or get him a taxi to take him. Mom's got enough on her shoulders. Turn in his license, too, or the insurance company will charge for both drivers at a high rate.
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The best advice I can give you is to follow the advice of the people here. Coincidently, the first post I made seeking advice - from early last November came up this morning. As I re-read it my feelings of desperation came back to me. But I listened and followed the advice given and it made a marked improvement in my ability to deal with my mother - life became considerably easier for me after that. My mother passed away a little over a week ago and I will be forever grateful for the people here and their caring and compassionate advice - as a result I was able to stay involved in my mothers care and was able to continue on in my roles, both care coordinator and daughter - instead of completely relinquishing them as I had been ready to do. I wish you the best of luck as you begin this challenging journey.
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