How do you manage working a full-time job and being a caregiver?

Babalou It is never easy... My father passed in Feb. Mom still lives with us, she is pretty sharp and easy to live with... But I work 12 hour shifts ( 14 with drive) 3 days a week. Hubs lost his job and benefits have ended...So now I may have to pick up extra shifts if they are available. Mom already says.. you work so much!! And I am tired

i didn't very good at it. If i had one sibling to share it with, it might have made a major difference, but i was it. I held down my job but my husband didn't care for my father so he resented the time i spent with my father at memory care. My dad died on New Years eve and my husband left the next day. I got served divorce papers 6 weeks later. I am in therapy and know i did the right thing. It was tough, and it still is, but at least i am slowly getting my peace of mind back. Hardest part of my life was when i lost my mom when she was 26. Second hardest was when i lost my dad at 92. Sometimes you put one foot in front of the other, shift your weight, and do it again.

I would suggest putting her in an adult day care during the day and using the Medicaid hours afterwards. This way she is taken care of during the day and you don't have to "rush" home after work. You can run an errand, have a little "me" time, etc.

So how do you all feel about an only daughter whose mom just lost her husband a month ago? My dad died in late January at 88. Mom is a spry 81, but won't go home and has been with us in our small home since. Along with 2 adult children (1 is almost out the door). She's my mom, but it is difficult to live with her. We need more space, we're on top of each other. Financially, she can afford independent living, we've checked that out. And she says she wants her own things around her. I understand that. My husband and I talked about renting a bigger house, and we all split costs. However, when 1 of the trio goes, the other 2 will have to move again. Neither of us could afford more expense. I feel bad about the independent living situation, but am concerned about the future. If something happens to her, I need to know she's in a place that can take care of those needs. Am I being selfish? My one child says she will definitely leave if my mom stays. I do not want to move into her home, it would be too much upkeep for us down the road. We need to save these last 10-12 years of employment, and be somewhat prepared for our own declining years. Any comments are appreciated.

Onlyone58. Your mom may be afraid to go back home and live alone among all the memories. Maybe she can ease back into it. If you could spend a couple of days and nights with her each week for a while, it might help and it would give her something to look forward to each week. You could help her go through stuff and downsize if she's willing. On the other hand, it's not the worst thing in the world for an adult child to move out. It's the natural progression and necessary for them to achieve independence. She may be using your mother being there as the impetus. I would not allow her implied threat to color any decision you make regarding your mother.

Actually, this could be good for both of them. Daughter becomes independent and you help your mother become independent after so many years of being a couple.

Later Mom may decide she's ready to move into independent living. Too many changes at once are confusing for the elderly.

Thanks GiviingItMyAll. Mom does not want to be at the house to sleep, even with someone there. She's expressed that strongly. I guess we'll just let it ride for awhile. She does know, though, that we are moving in August, so there is a deadline. It's so confusing. She's been manipulative most of my life, so I am really torn. I'll just keep praying. But thanks.

I took care of my dad for 10 years with Alz then we he passed I moved my mom in with me. At 94 she started to have memory and delusional episodes..now at 96 she is completely delusional every night. I must work during the day so I have someone in for her then but at night when all hell breaks loose I am here by myself and most of the time can get no sleep at all. I have a sister not 3 minutes walking distance from my house and she refuses to help AT ALL even though she and mom had a great relationship. I am exhausted and needless to say have written my sister off.

Dear randytho2,

Good of you to care for your dad and now your mom. It sure isn't easy. I hear you, its so hard when siblings don't share the responsibility and burden of care. Given that your mom's care is escalating, it might be time to consider a nursing home for her.

I know its not an easy decision. I'm sorry for sounding like a hypocrite because I tried to work full time at night and take care of my dad before and after work. I thought my dad was okay at home alone but towards the end of his life it was a fatal mistake. I was tired of trying to do it all and it affected my judgement. My dad had a heart attack at home and ended up passing away in the hospital. I feel like if I put him into a nursing home earlier he might still be alive today.

All great answers.

The question: How do you manage working a full-time job and being a caregiver?
Answer: You don't!

Working full time and being "on duty" for the other 16 hours is a recipe for disaster. You'll be comprimised, possibly making fatal errors due to exhaustion.
It's NOT worth it.
Talk to a social worker and/or elder law attorney. See what else can be done.

I have to bring my mom home from memory care (can't afford it anymore). I cut down on my job to 2 days a week. Hubby will be helping her those days.
Your loved ones wouldn't want you to be exhausted on their account. You know your health suffers when you spread yourself too thin.
My mom will be 95 in January. I'd like to think I've got another 20 years left after she passes. I'm trying to take care of myself NOW, so I'll make it there! What good is an incapacitated "SuperCaregiver"?

randytho2, how can you work a fulltime job without getting any sleep at night? Surely your job performance is suffering (and probably your care of your mother). What kind of help do you expect your sister to provide? Do you want her to alternate taking care of your mother at night?

I do really feel for everyone who's shared their struggles. It may sound selfish saying "there're others feeling the same way I do", and find comfort in it. But, spite we may be in similar or same situation, it is a difficult task.
My mother is 90 years old. My dad passed 3 years ago. He had Alzheimer. A nasty illness. They lived in their country (Chile). After he passed, my mom decided to sell the house and move in with me, here in Michigan. I have a brother, and two sisters over there in Chile, but my sisters' marriages are falling apart and my brother took care of dad while he was ill.
I have three daughters and they all live by me (same town). They have their families, jobs, and busy with little one around them. I love my grandkids!!! They're helpful, but I need more help that they are able to provide.
The biggest dilemma is my mom doesn't speak English, and although she's been trying to learn, she forgets it quite easily. There's no home or places I can take her for her to meet new people and have some fun. She loves to read. She also enjoys watching the only chilean channel on cable (that's the only reason I have cable).
She used to love going out, visit stores and walk in downtown. Now, she rather be home. Just the idea to get ready to go out it is such a huge task that she rather stay home. It's more comfortable. She does like to go on trips, but not on airplanes because it is too tiring for her. My sisters have come to visits, but she can't stay. They come as tourist and after three months they need to leave. The law doesn't allow them to stay longer. When they are here (last year came one, and this year came the other one), mom was excited and happy to share with them.
What I've been finding out is things changes quickly. It can see a huge difference between this year and two years ago. It's like little children that from one year to the next one, they are bigger! with mom it's something similar. Last year she was more active, now she doesn't get too excited with things she did last year.
I work full time and I travel at least every other month, but I have cut travels a lot because I need to stay with her. I used to take her with me during my travel, but now she rather not go.
I was allowed to work from home, and that's great, but that affects somehow my job because of the disconnection of what's going on. Even if I get connected via video, etc., it's not the same been at the office. I noticed too that I'm seen people less and less. If I have to go out for errands, or a meeting, or visit my grandkids, moms began to call me asking a what time I'll be home. Most of the time I don't get to finish the task I have to do for work, so I seat at my home office to do some work and that bothers her very much. It seems that she wants me to be around her 24/7.
Yesterday I felt upset, and also angry about it. I felt like screaming. I haven't done things that brings me joy, that brings me peace. I'm divorced and did lots of work in counseling getting better and learning lots of new things. I worked hard in my life and I began to practice all those things that will make you a better person: healthy boundaries, silence and solitude time, enjoying time with family, focus in my work, go for long walks to the lake with my dog... and many other things that today are inside a box. I haven't been able to do any of that for the last 3-4 years.
I feel bad when I say this, I know it is not true, but it makes me feel that I'm a bad person for complaining because I'm taking care of mom.
So, how to handle a full time job and be a good, healthy caregiver?
I don't have the answer, but I have to say that writing about it it was very helpful.

I keep reading about "Medicaid hours." What are these? Please educate me.