Follow
Share

I have a full-time job & the aide is with my mother during my work hours & I have to handle the rest by myself. I am so tired daily I cannot stand it & my work is suffering. Any suggestions (other than hiring another aide) we have to use the Medicaid # of hours per day & until July I have ZERO respite hours available.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It's called caregiver burnout. Talk to Mom's caseworker about what other options are available. Ask friends and cousins to give you a weekend off. At some point she will need a skilled nursing facility. You have to preserve your own wellness first, or you can't take care of anyone. Hugs to a good daughter.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I totally understand. I too work full time from home and care for my MIL who lives with us. I feel as everyday is a struggle to keep going my job and son suffers. My sister in law only helps at her convenience.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It's really hard..I'm in the same boat. I don't have an aide, but I work from home. It takes away from my work and sometimes I end up going back to work after dinner. You should consider getting family to come help you if thats possible. Or see what adult daycare is available then have an aide come in the evenings. Good luck and stay strong!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

How do I make out? Not so great lately and I've nothing real positive to add. Working from home is great and I'm grateful my immediate supervisor understands. When mom wandered away the other day, he told me he and his wife had had the same problems with a MIL and mom. But things are getting more complicated. I just wish mom could be more cooperative with what little I ask of her. I work evenings but when this job is over and I have to go back out in the world, things will get even more complicated for both of us.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I did this for five years and I know how frustrating it can be. I had trouble with caregivers coming late or just being lazy and/or stupid. I finally just quit my job and went for seven months without an income, until retirement age was met for my teacher's pension. My SS wasn't available for several years. Adult daycare might be a good option for you. Then you could use the caregiver in the evenings or on weekends. I couldn't use it because my husband tried to wander away too many times for them to take him any more. Even though I'm at home now, I still have a caregiver come in 6 days a week for 3 hours. I can get groceries, see the grandkids, take care of personal stuff, etc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If finances are tight, I'd definitely look into Adult Daycare or Senior Center, where she can hang out for a few hours a day. This way, you can save your aide hours.
We are fortunate, b/c I work full time too, but mom is in Assisted Living. Even there, she will just stay in her room all day long and do nothing, so now I'm looking into hiring someone (paid or volunteer) to come visit her 2-3 times a week and just talk to her, go on a short walk w/ her, encourage her to join the activities.
You can also check your local churches. Sometimes they have volunteers or sociial ministry programs that are affordable.
Lastly, I'm taking care of myself now to prevent burnout and found a caregivers support group for adult children taking care of their parents with Alzheimer's or dementia. This may not change the number of hours you put into taking care of mom, but it will hopefull help you deal better and prevent burnout. I start my group in 3 weeks, so I am very hopeful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Its comforting to know that so many of us are in the same boat.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am right there with you...no help but with the day caregiver and I am totally exhausted, then on top of the dementia or whatever it is they just diagnosed my mom with lung cancer....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Same here, my mom is 84. She has congestive heart failure and c diff. She is in therapy right now for a few more weeks because she wasn't drinking enough and almost had to have dialysis because she was so dehydrated! This is the second time in a very short time she did this. She was eating like crazy but not drinking enough. She is of very sound mind, but I think she is wanting more attention that I can't give. I work full time and I am gone for 12 hours a day. My brother lives 1500 miles away and has a new baby. He can't come help. I am her only family here. I am so overwhelmed and exhausted.

Plus I have her dog, two birds and three cats to take care of, plus my own two dogs, two horses and two geese. It is just too much for me to handle. I will do anything for my mom but I am SO burned out! I have a vacation planned for the beginning of July but I am worried about her being at home. She was going to go to my brother's but now I don't know if she is going to be okay to fly. My oldest daughter will come home to care for the animals, but my mom refuses to get along with my two girls anymore, so I am also worried about fights while I am gone! Can anyone give advice on caregivers? We really don't have the money to pay someone to come in daily so I just don't know what to do. I need a break, I fall asleep at my desk and sometimes while driving...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It's almost impossible to manage a full time job unless you have professional aids working all 3 shifts at your home.

My job had also suffered and I was just my parents *driver* as they are still very much independent living in their own home. But all those doctors appointments, and other appointments that were only available during the day, took it's toll on my career and because I was out of the office so much, my work eventually was distributed to other employees.... one day I found out my job had been eliminated.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I did it for 10 years until I figured out I couldn't do it anymore. I had to ask for help. I reached out (encouraged by the people on this blog) and said yes to every offer that came my way. I quit excusing them... that person cant do it as well as me was just a cop out. I realized that no persons body was able to take both job and caregiving at once forever and it truly became a life and death issue, my own death being the focus. If I could say what one thing I have learned, it would be to let help happen.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is very hard. I had a mother at my home all day and I looked forward to going to work. But coming home at night was difficult – I had to cook and then entertain her. I thought that the fact she was physically capable of taking care of herself and all there mentally would make caregiving easier. But it was still very difficult. I was the only one trying to help Mom move forward in her life. Even she just wanted to sit in her room all day and watch tv.

I wish I had advice for you but I don’t. But this is a very important issue since more and more baby boomers will need care and so many of us need to work to keep up with our own aging and financial needs.

I finally burned out and we found a way for Mom to move to a low-income unit at an Independent Living place 3 hours away from me. I am still recovering emotionally from the experience.

I don’t work at a place with EAP (Employee Assistance Program) but if your workplace offers that, it might help to contact them for some support.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

cmcwrinkl1, you are right about the baby boomers will be needing professional help in the not to far of future, and there are LOT of us.

My Dad keeps asking me why don't I quit work, even though I went to college, women of my age group usually wound up getting secretarial or clerical jobs, because back then, employers were assuming that women would get married and leave employment.... thus, I don't have a wonderful pension to fall back upon like my Dad does, I need to keep working. Even though I am quite fugal, I still worry I would wind up living under a bridge in my old age.

My Dad kept pressuring me to quit work until I asked him if he resigned from his long term professional career to take care of his parents..... ah, no.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Freqflyer, good comeback to Dad. It isn't fair for our parents (in my case, who did nothing to help me make it in life) to expect us to quit our jobs to take care of them. I realize many people do that, and sometimes they may have no other choice. I thought we had no choice with my mother and it took a long time to figure out an alternative to having her in my house, but we did.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Respite care is important. The best help may be family or a caregiver if you can afford it. The last resort is an assisted living arrangement. If no one is available for appointments, how about hiring a social worker?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oh yes it's possible. But the toll is great.
My husband and I own a large garden center/landscaping company which we started and then successfully operated together. Four years ago, my wonderful husband died. My son and I now run the business.
Think - extremely seasonal business.
In spring, we are ridiculously busy, busy, busy.
My husband and I built our house right at the garden center so I am "always at work" and as the owner, I can assure you that my work is never done.
My business office, phone, time clock etc is in the basement and I work there all day. This time of year the phone is non stop. Payables/receivables also non stop.
My MIL is bedbound upstairs and I run up and down the steps a hundred times a day to take care of her, check on her, etc. At days end, I am exhausted.
I am lucky that she is now at the sleeping/staring stage and has very few words but the caregiving still wears me out.

So...............I understand how it is to work full time and be caretaker.

Also, my own mom (88) lives alone and has no car so I briefly run over to her house delivering groceries etc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am lucky that my parents live with Hubs and I and Mom may be frail but she is sharp and active. Also that my job is 3 12 hour shifts a week, so I am home alot. We have a PT CG for 5 hours a day when I work to help with dad, and give Mom a break. They do most of the housework, and Mom can still get Dad dressed, bathed, etc. I do let the CG take them to routine Dr apts ( podiatrist, check ups ) , It's worth the .47 a mile..LOL
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Please remember that caregiver work never takes a holiday break. It is 24/7 365 days per year. I don't think even a Saint could survive the work.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have in home care that comes from 0900 untill 2pm for some of the days of the week. My situation is that she has been having some overnight or early morning problems which put me in the position of not leaving her alone. I have intermittent FMLA, but that does not pay for the lost time. Is there a way to be compensated ?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

rioblu, I am actually looking for a full time job even tho I care for my grandfather all night and lunch and dinner... ,plus I have my own home with 2 kids so I dont know how Im going to handle it when I find one. Im sorry your losing sleep and you do need a break. Having another aide or " company" for an extra few hours would be great, but I know financially its not always possible. I agree with the others, what about family or friends?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

As far as FMLA.. bank your PTO and then use that to cover your lost hours,, I do that and it works well
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Exhausted though you are, you are likely better off than the people who stop working. You still have a life, a job and a financial future.
Take as much respite as you can. Get help where you can, example pre-made meals, clean around mom as needed, less often in other rooms. Opt for a little free time over aspiring for a good housekeeping award for yourself. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Get help at home. Your county should have some help available to caregivers. Many times,the caregiver help is free. Good luck♡
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If her prognosis is long term, or as she further declines, you may need to consider a facility. Do not give up your employment/income, this would only be a hornets nest of problems if you do. Not even a superhero can be working professional by day and caregiver at night long term.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If anyone is thinking about resigning from work in the near future, please read this...

Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose, over the years, between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary, it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance; loss of money being put into social security/ Medicare; loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k); profit sharing; etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I totally understand what you're going through. I work full time and take care of my mom who has dementia. At one point I was giving a aide 3/4 of my salary to take care of my mom in the daytime so I could work. A friend told me about a daycare where she could stay while I am at work. They have grants that can pay for some of the days and it is only $45 a day for the extra days. This place h as s truly been a blessing and mom loves being with others. They play bingo and do her nails. They keep them busy all day and she is tired enough to sleep at night.
The daycare told me about the grants on my First phone call to them. Call some adult day cares and see what they have to offer you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

We moved in my FIL last Oct 2014. I work Full time and My wife works 3 days per week. No daycare for us, as for all his issues my FIL does reasonably well when we're at work. But i feel your fatigue as well, I have burnout, and for me work is almost like a sancuary. My wife is holding back sending my FIL to AL so we can have our lives back, as she feels it's her duty to be caregiver. But it is I who does all household stuff, as her back is not great. So I am just twice as tired. Only when I confronted her as he needs to move on, not just for him but for us as well--as i cannot be caregiver to both and keep working. Simply put I said if I stop working to do that, we lose the house. Need to think with our heads, not just our hearts.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Freqflyer, you make a great point. Financially the caregiver does suffer and it certainly is not worth financial ruin. Try and find some assistance any way you can, you deserve a life and a break. I am not familiar with what is available in the U.S. Here in Canada there are social agencies who could direct or refer you.
Hang in there.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I never knew until I had to go through this myself how many of us are in the same boat. It has opened my eyes to a whole different life that either I was blind too or just couldn't relate too, until now. Because I work full time and can't possibly afford to quit, I have had to pray about this day and night and God answered my prayer by my sister in law who lives in another state offering to take my mom for a while to their home. We were at the point were mom could not be alone. She has stage four colon cancer and beginnings of dementia and f high fall risk. She had lived in my home for 17 years in her own living quarters. I was at a crossroads of having to hire in home care or locate a facility to place her in. With in home care she would only be able to afford daytime care and the nights and weekends would be on me and my husband. And I know you all can relate to the work it is at night and on weekends to watch a loved one. My husband and I would sleep with one ear open and usually either he or I would have to assist her during the night. We had a baby monitor, alarms and bells. Needless to say we got no rest. With mom now at my brothers home in a transition before going to a facility in that state we have the freedom but let me tell you my heart is heavy. I can't even type this without tearing up. I feel like I let my mom and family down. But I can't take care of mom anymore. I've used up my vacation/sick leave banks in the last few months caring for her when she was really bad from the chemo. Again, God is taking care of things for us. I just need to quit beating myself up over it I suppose. Too all of you that are in the caretaking position of a parent and trying to maintain a marraige, job, life....God bless you. The only thing that is a constant is that it won't last forever, even tho it feels like it. I don't know which is better, the freedom of not worrying 24/7 about my mom now that she is with my brother or the fact of having my mom with me and being able to spend this last few months of her life with her. Both options are hard to bear.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I work full time (as do my brothers) and my mother is in a nursing home, so compared to hands on care givers, I'm on easy street and i know it. Im still exhausted. My mom has had pneumonia three times in the last 8 weeks. A suspicious mole that needs to be biopsied. Deciding if hospice is the right decidion, now, in a month, whenever. I know i know. I have it easy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter