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My mother has been in this nursing home since April, after suffering a massive stroke which has left her paralyzed. She has use of her right arm, can talk and carry on a conversation, still has her long-term memory. She can self feed (pureed food) if everything is set up for her, but that's about all she can do physically. She was totally independent before the stroke.


As one can guess, this is causing her much distress. She is very afraid, and has always been afraid of nursing homes. She's having a tough time.


I went to visit her tonight. New Geriatric Nursing Assistant in her unit tonight. Her GNA was a male. She told me he was very nice. When it was time to have her diaper changed and get her nightgown on, he came in to do that. I stayed. New and a man, I didn't like it. Mom started crying in the middle of the process, and cried for an hour afterwards. She was extremely embarrassed. Is this a normal practice at nursing homes, having a male change a female? Nothing personal against this gentleman.

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Very, very normal. You could request a female. However, due to lack of staff, in my opinion, for ALL facilities, sometimes this may or may not take place all of the time.
Aunt requested a female and sometimes she’d get one but then the next shift staffed mostly men or they were short staffed... just being real!
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This is normal.I am a former CNA and you can request that a female CNA dress and change your mother.I would talk to the social services worker and if this does not work.Talk to the facilities DNS(Director of Nurses Services.)
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GNA gay?
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Your mom has every right to her modesty & embarrassment at the thought of random men changing her. Some things are still sacred to people. I wouldn’t like it either, I’m glad it worked out for your mom in the end:)
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shad250 Apr 2019
Even if its a gay man?
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M1kew00:

I am so glad you spoke up about this issue.

As you saw, it was an easy fix for the nursing home.

There are typically more women working in nursing homes, so it was just a simple matter of scheduling.

Why cause distress to an elderly person needlessly?
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Resolved for the OP and her Mom.!

m1kew00
34 min ago
THIS HAS BEEN RESOLVED! Please see my December 2 post WAY down below. Thank you all for your wisdom! I'm very new to all of this and am just learning as I go along.

m1kew00
Dec 2, 2018
Thank you all for your replies. I spoke with the nursing supervisor on duty yesterday and she was very receptive to Mom's problems. She asked if we would like only females to change her, and I said yes please. Also made clear that this was not at all a reflection on the male caregiver, just Mom's personal preference
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Well, there's nothing like starting as you mean to go on - I can't wait for your next topic 😂

Seriously, though, what must you think of us. I'm sorry if you've had a bit of a baptism of fire, but at least you didn't feel no one was interested? I hope?

What sort of week have you and your mother had?
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dlpandjep Dec 2018
You have a way with words, Countrymouse.  This definitely has been an interesting thread!
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THIS HAS BEEN RESOLVED! Please see my December 2 post WAY down below. Thank you all for your wisdom! I'm very new to all of this and am just learning as I go along.
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Llamalover47 Dec 2018
m1kew00: Thank goodness for resolution of your issue! Praise God!
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I see and can appreciate the various points of view in this forum on this matter. However, if you have been in the 'trenches' of elder care, particularly in the US, for any length of time, one would consider and understand that THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN. Yes, abuse does occur. Still, I am grateful for a person of any gender or preference taking on this difficult task of intimate care and showing kindness and respect to my mother during these most difficult of times. Do I wish everything was confortable and perfect? Absolutely, but that is in la la land. Appreciate good care when and where you can find it.
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M1Kew00:

That is outrageous. Yes, many women see a male doctor.

Still, if it makes her uncomfortable, it is such an easy fix, I fail to fathom why the home will not accommodate you and her and send a Female to take care of her.

Can you speak to management?
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I am willing to bet that if your mother ever saw a gynecologist, it was probably a male. While it may be initially uncomfortable to have a male assisting with peri-care, I might say most people aren't comfortable with ANYONE helping in this area. I have worked with many male aides and many of them rank as the most kind, caring individuals you could ever ask for. Also, the old adage "You've seen one, you've seen them all" applies here. To a professional, it's not any different providing peri-care than it would be to wash their face.
 Have you considered that her embarrassment may have been you being in the room and seeing her in this position? Having worked with the elderly for much of my career, I can tell you that having your children see you having your brief changed is one of the things that causes the elderly intense embarrassment and shame.
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You're not seriously blaming MIL for "leading him on" are you?!

It would be possible for there to be a fine line between harmless light-hearted flirtatious banter and inappropriately intimate comments, yes, true. But that was NOT a fine line, that was a mile wide.

Besides, how could you ever have looked him in the eye again?
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Just a comment about the other side of the story – does sexual exploitation happen? I have worked with male nurses who were great. However my second MIL had a male carer who was a problem and got the sack for it. MIL had been a real flirt (alias pr*ck teaser) in her younger years (3 engagements!), while managing to remain ‘pure’. The carer obviously got into a dialogue that wasn’t appropriate, then asked Mil if she would like him to masturbate in front of her ‘because lots of ladies do’. MIL went spazzo, complained, he got the sack. We knew that they both would have led each other on, and both of them came in with the tide. I reckon it’s better to avoid the whole issue.
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Hi! I went through the same thing with my mother. Most of the time I complained to the nursing home administration. My mother has passed on. But, I remember feeling very bad about this because my mother felt so ashamed. I am sure that the young men (CNAs and sometimes mâle nurses too) were qualified but I always felt that this was an issue of insensitivity. My mother was in her late eighties/early nineties when she was in nursing home care. By the way, I always stayed in the room when my mother was being changed, even when she was being attended by female CNAs. I learned a lot about what goes on, what kinds of products are used, and how much care is taken. There is a lot to pay attention to. I wish you all the best.
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I trained in the UK in the late 50s when male nurses were few and far between. One thing that was impressed on student nurses(CNA had yet to be invented) was to always protect the patients privacy.
Unless it was a bath or shower the patient was never naked. Only the part being tended to was exposed. The patient was kept covered by a sheet. When the genital area was cleaned the sheet was lifted at the front and that part washed. Then the patient was rolled to one side and the job was completed. The result was that the patient never actually saw that they were exposed. Depends were not yet available.

That of course was a very long time ago and during the past four years I. I am sure if I requested female help it would have been made available but I have spent many weeks in various hospitals at times seriously ill and encountered care from male CNAs. It was a shock at first being one month short of 80 but I found them kind and compassionate and very respectful. In one hospital many of them were from eastern european countries and their command of English was sketchy.
In all the hospitals at change of shift the the RN and CNA came and introduced themselves and wrote their names on the board.

If the presence of male nurses is a huge problem another option would be to hire outside help to come in for a few hours daily and get the bathing taken care of. This is a problem that is not going to go away so I am afraid we will all have to get used to it.
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Riverdale Dec 2018
Your reply was very educating. This post could possibly be a book by now. I have related to many responses with each side. When my mother became sick and started this journey 5 years ago she was in a nursing facility right after the hospital and before AL. On one of her first nights a male aid came in to bathe her. I remember that night so well. What was difficult for she and I initially was that he would not let her go into the bathroom. She could walk but she was newly there so they were worried about a fall. That was what was most upsetting. He explained the reason and we accepted it. I might have possibly thought about the male versus female aspect but I remember clearly thinking that I wished she could have some independence. That being said I agree that the reliability of the aid is most important. On 2 occasions when I was in the hospital I dealt with female nurses who were terrible. I should have spoken up for myself but I was too depleted from having given birth and having a blocked intestine. Hope the poster has had assurances from the responses given.
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My RN daughter was trying to take care of her father when he started to need care, and she found changing his diapers very distressful and tried hard to get a male aide for him....this was 3 years ago, and she couldn't find one. Now he is in a nursing home and still hasn't seen a male aide, but he is "out of it" now and doesn't seem to mind the females who change and bathe him. As for me, I've had babies delivered by men, so I don't think it will bother me to have a male aide bathe and toilet me, but male aides are so much in demand for male patients (heavy lifting) that I am not likely to get one.
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In transitional care my father was given a shower, dressed and toileted by women. They were supportive and didn't make a big deal out of it. After the initial surprise, he was grateful for their help. When you gotta go, you gotta go! Another female resident - 92 and very alert - was helped by a man and she was grateful for his assistance. Now in assisted living and memory care, we have only female aids, so there isn't a choice. Whoever is available helps, including me (female). Once in awhile my father expresses regret that he needs assistance. I would not for the world want him to feel bad about it. I remind him that 1) they have seen it all and 2) he helped me when I was small. Be matter of fact about this and focus on what your mother can still do. Enjoy the day.
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Having cared for both of my elderly in-laws (with dementia, well into their 90's), including intimate care, I can appreciate the mix of emotions and feelings for all involved. My FIL slapped my hand because it was too cold when I was helping him urinate in a bed pan. Believe me, it was a shock and my initial response of "hey, do you want help or not?" probably wasn't thoughtful, but we got thru it and I apologized. We went on to have a great caregiver/receiver relationship. My husband bathed his Mom. I'm sure it was humiliating at times, and sometimes she would cry, but she knew the alternative and desired to stay at home, so we did what we needed to do, and are glad we did. CNA/GNA's are doing a job that most folks wouldn't touch with a 10' pole! I have much respect for them!!! As some others have said, my guess is your Mom's crying was a result of her entire situation. The suddenness of the stroke in April, now in a NH, someone else dressing her, and her daughter watching. Without coming across sounding heartless, I think you may have just witnessed a low point for Mom. If you haven't already, perhaps you can talk about it with your Mom. You both are facing new things, and none of us like to lose control ... but your Mom has to depend on help from others now. It's a process of peeling away pride. And you need to be strong for your Mom and tell her it's OK, or take her home and do it yourself. She even said he was a nice guy, which I'm sure he is!!! God bless him for taking on this role ... we all will someday need help.
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I am surprised they even allowed you to stay in the room. They would never allow me to stay when they did personal care for Mom (she overrode them one time and insisted I stay as a witness to her condition from the antibiotics) I think you and your mom both have a say in who provides such personal care. My mother had one male CNA, but I don't think he did that kind of thing for any of the female residents. There are some traditions that we should continue to keep and act on, no matter what the rest of society thinks. I'm getting pretty tired of this whole "equality" and "rights" issue, especially because it's not about that - what about our rights to a preference when it comes to such intimate care? Their rights stop where ours begin. You have a right to choose the gender of your doctor, and you have just as much right to choose whether or not you prefer a male or female CNA/GNA. I feel badly for you and your mom. I hope it's not to late to let them know that you feel that was inappropriate and you're not going to tolerate it.
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Melitta, if only they were only inconsistencies! Unfortunately, this is an instance of where differences can be irreconcilable; and we can - we quite often do - get into a heck of a mess having started from the admirable intention of respecting individuals' rights.

I'm not going to start it because I think it's probably a good thing for world peace that it wasn't taken up, but nobody has even mentioned religious doctrine in this context.

At some point, there has to be a decision about whose rights take precedence in a given context - in this context, for example, my right to pursue a career versus your right to reject my service on the grounds that you object to receiving care from a female. Does the basis of the objection make any difference? Must you even give a reason?
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Helping77 Dec 2018
Not trying to boil the pot but as a female I (26) prefer female drs. I have nothing against males but just more comfortable with a female. With that I myself was horrified at finding out a urogynecologist I was referred to was a Male and was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. As I am Christian I don't believe that's right. I realize it's a "professional" standpoint but my opinion is that shouldn't matter. I would be very afraid of someone doing something inappropriate to me (or a female relative in a nh) yeah I definitely agree with m1kew00 as well as Countrymouse
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There are many inconsistencies in attitudes concerning receiving personal care from people of different genders/sexual orientation. As a long-time nurse (female), I have worked with many patients who express no preference at all. I'm sure others have been just resigned to accept whoever is available. It's telling about our attitudes that doctors must have another person in the room when they perform certain exams on a woman, but nurses are not expected to have another person when they perform the most intimate procedures (such as inserting a catheter) in a man.

My own father--when he had dementia--was still extremely modest. He didn't like to have personal care by either gender. Interestingly, when he was quite confused, he was uncomfortable having a male caregiver. I heard him ask the man if he was gay.

I have always tried to accommodate individual preferences, but unfortunately, there are times when no other options are available.
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Countrymouse Dec 2018
Point of order: I do happen to know that female doctors performing intimate examinations on men are expected to call in a chaperon, and to ask women if they would like one. I don't know whether it's mandatory but it is becoming standard practice.
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Since the majority of patients in a nursing home are women I would think that this would be more of an issue. Actually I am wondering if your Mom was more upset that you were there and witnessed the need for her care. I worked many years in healthcare and found the men to be very professional and caring. Actually I'm sure many men may be uncomfortable having a woman do these types of things for him. In this day and age it is just a fact of life. I would count my lucky stars to have caring professionals giving my mother good care. Maybe just listening to her concerns and reassuring her would help. My mother is in a nursing home and this has never been an issue for her.
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WOW!  Talk about opening a can of worms! Guess this helps release some of our frustrations.  Thanks for the smile, cwillie 😊
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Similar situation happened to my mom. I told the nurse we were not comfortable with a male CNA . The male CNA was reasssigned. My mother is too old to try to get her use to a man dressing and bathing her. I think it would humiliate her. I don't think I would be comfortable with that myself. I would not do that to her unless there was absolutely no other recourse.
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Why allow your mom to be humiliated and traumatized like that! Certainly there was a female available if not ... YOU could have done it.
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Helping77 Dec 2018
How do you know that? I definitely couldn't have due to my own size. My only option would be demanding they have someone I deemed appropriate for whichever of my parents
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Tough call there, but ask if there is a female on duty.
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Just for further clarification. A CNA is a Certified Nurses Aide and a GNA is a CNA with additional training and certification testing for Geriatrics, GNA.

In most states training, passing a written and skills test and passing a background check is required to fill these positions. I had to be photographed and fingerprinted to be registered with the state when I did this.

Anyone convicted of a crime, especially of the assault nature would not be employed by any state with these requirements. If you're concerned, check your state registry to find out what the required qualifications are. I think you will be shocked at the high standards these people have to step up to for a relatively low paying job.
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Jinxie Dec 2018
Male aid yelled and berated my mom, I told director of nursing to please not let him be with mom. Made no difference, she defended him, he has bad family life, in war, I talked to ombudsman but there was no help.
this was at Newport Oregon, Yaquina Care
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The CNA who my mom loved the best was a man named Juan. He was strong, gentle and caring. My mother knew that she was safe in his hands and arms.

Most of the women of my mom's generation had their babies delivered by men. One of my mom's friends declared that she would NEVER go to a female gyn!

We are talking about trained medical professionals here.

What's the issue?
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anonymous782208 Dec 2018
Being trained has nothing to do with it, BarbB, since Dr. Larry Nassar was trained, as have been the thousands of trained men in nearly every profession who are found guilty of rape and/or sexual harassment. In many states, a doctors can still practice even if he is a registered sex offender, convicted of sexual abuse of patients.
As a much younger woman, I had my own very awkward experience with a new Gyn who I never went to see again, after his examination of my breasts went on far too long, AND he stood behind me the whole time where I could not see him but could tell he was "fidgeting" behind me. I kept doubting my views until he whispered "how does that feel?" I felt a sense of great panic, but having grown up conditioned to never, EVER question men of authority, I sat there, wondering if I should throw on my clothes and bolt from the room.
This is NOT a condemnation of men. It's just a recognition of both biological facts (that men are more sexually driven), and crime statistics. Men are statistically far more likely to abuse their authority or power when it's combined with being alone in a room with one female.
But, let's just say, hypothetically, that this particular GNA (Idk what that is...the same as CNA?) is very professional and would NEVER abuse his power.
What matters is that this elderly woman was clearly uncomfortable and suffered emotionally from this. Implying that she should just buck up and get over it is exactly the sort of mindset that puts females in positions where they're abused:
They don't want to seem dramatic.
They think they're overreacting.
They know they won't be believed later when they report it.
And so on.........
There is absolutely no reason why this facility needs to continue putting her in an awkward position.
A huge man came in my 91 yr old mom's room at the hospital to change her several months ago. I saw the panic on her face as she said she didn't need to be changed, though she was soaking wet. I asked for a female and one was sent in. Females are more abundant in the nursing and CNA world, so they are likely to be able to easily find one if requested.
M1kew00 should just ask.
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Actually yes especially now adays haveing Men working as CNAs is perfectly normal its a tough job there is lots of heavy lifting . Not to sound like I just jumped out of the 40 or 50s but Men tend to be strong and it is very helpful at a job like caregiveing ,but if your poor mom is uncomfortable with A man you should ask that they have a woman take care of her !! By No means should your mom have to be this uncomfortable at this time in her life ,at this point what is the only and formost importaint thing in your moms life is COMFORT physically and mentally ....good luck!!
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cetude Dec 2018
Considering the obese population nursing homes could use all the men possible with all that turning and lifting..would break my back! Actually it seems that person is still going through emotional trauma of having the stroke and now incompacitated dependant on others' care..and the nurse's aide is the target of their frustration. Caregivers are always targets. Sad. but true.
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How about complicating the issue a bit with a male aide of a different race...this is the case in my mother's nursing home and doesn't seem to bother her at all; however, I'm certain with some people it might.
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