Making siblings aware of Mother's (94) finances. Any advice?

Well what I have read is interesting. My mother has completely taken myself and a sibling off of everything for no reason. The baby girl {55 yrs old} and her meth head daughter have been everything. Mom is still at home I am not allowed there, they must protect her ??? what?? Mom and I have been best friends forever just lately has this all happened. The baby calls police if I go to see her??? Protecting her of course. There is no reason this has happened but it has ripped my heart right out. I am not allowed to talk or see my mother for no reason. I have consulted couple lawyers but retainers run from $3,000 - $5,000. My sister and I don't have that kind of money but this is a strong case. I have contacted Elder Abuse due to the complete control of everything even isolating her from all family, friends and neighbors. They are useless saying mom is fine, everything is ok. NO ITS NOT. Oh ya, baby sista just got out of 2 weeks in jail for shooting at her boyfriend in a drug, drunken fit. She spent 2 weeks in jail but mom bonded her and hired her a lawyer. So it is what it is, mom has no use for me or my sister, her health is not good but I am not even allowed to see her. This has been escalating fro, 2 1/2 yrs ago.

While I do think your heart may have been in the right place, I look at this a bit from your mother's point of view. First, she's a grown woman who's used to running her own finances and household (doesn't matter if she does it differently from how you would her way is her business).
Second, especially in older generations, people generally don't want their financial dirty laundry spread around and maybe in her mind even gossiped about. In the past you've led her to believe she has the money she needs and this may look to her like you've not been honest - not to say that her perception is correct there, it's just how she could see it.
She's an adult and by her kids going behind her back and talking about her money/health/lifestyle, whatever, and attempting to "resolve" her issues without her full knowledge and support just infantilezers her.
Personally, unless she has advanced dementia, she should be the 1st person you discuss this with, not the last.
It's really hard on the elderly to go from being independent & in charge of their lives and decisions to all of the sudden their kids (even if they are adults) coming in and trying to take over & "fix" things.
I promise I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I do think you were really only trying to do the best you could & really want to help.
Just please for your mom's sake try to remember that she needs to have as much control as possible and she needs to know I advance of of others about her problems or concerns. Shielding her might just cause more stress for her because it can make her then worry what else is going on or are her kids "plotting" against her.

I do understand your point of view. From what I have seen my friends elderly parents do when they start to worry about money. They start cutting back on things they need. Prescriptions, heat, repairs....ect. It was the neighbor that came over and told her chimney was about to fall down. He was afraid it would fall on his house. She has two furnaces in her house one is broken been broken for years. In the winter she heats up her kitchen with the stove. Her alarm system needs repairs...she uses it nightly....She doesn't want to spend the money to get it fixed. Of all my friends I have not seen any of them not get together with their siblings and discuss what would be needed to be done. It seems kind of odd when my sisters want her will changed in favor of what they want . They are having her pay lawyers to do that. Then they stand back and let her make decisions on not repairing her house. It seems kind of fishey to me.

I know it's really hard & breaks your heart to see your mom go thru this, and all you want to do is fix it and give her a wonderful life. I would suggest, if you can & if she'll accept it, you sit with her face to face and talk thru your concerns, and even her money issue and make gentle suggestions as to what you think would make her life better (accept her decisions about what she wants to do - even if it's not what you would choose).
And apologize to her for not coming to her first, she needs to know that you didn't intend to hurt her or go behind her back.
Then and only if she's agreeable, see if you, her & your siblings can go over all of what needs to happen to make your mom's life better - I know it's way harder when they probably all have their own agendas, and may not be receptive. If everyone is local, face to face is best, if not Skype or conference call, let everyone have a chance to voice themselves, if you can. You may even need a mediator or therapist for this - just to give you a disinterested 3rd party with no real stake in the outcome.
Remembering at the end of the day, what your mom wants/needs is the most important part of this whole process.

I would love to get a mediator but I am afraid if I suggest that my sister will run to her and again twist it and tell her how I am trying to get the mediator to take over her life. My brother and I have discussed getting a mediator don't want to put my mom through more mental anguish. My brother offered to buy the house full value to alleviate some of her fear of being low on money. She could live there for as long as she could. It was turned against him. The point of talking to the siblings was to not cause my mother stress. But what was the intent of the siblings telling her I did that. Did that make my mothers life better?

Debbie1956 - with a family dynamic that involves a tattle-tail who has to run behind mommy's skirts to get everybody else in trouble all the time, I don't know what you can do until somebody asserts themselves over her. Her behavior isn't going to change at this point in her life, so start planning FOR her to behave this way instead of expecting her not to. At some point, she has to lose her ability to put the brakes on everything.

A mediator is supposed to reduce anguish, not add to it. My mom did the same thing to me over her house, and I don't have any siblings. Her sisters told her I'd dump her on the street. And probably a lot of the paranoid delusions told her that too.

It sounds like at least you & your brother are trying very hard to do what's in your mom's best interest, and unfortunately, you've got at least 1 sister who's goal it it in life to create drama and problems & does not have your mom's best interest at heart. Sadly, mom wants to believe that child over the others & there's not a lot that can be done to change this, unless you can somehow prove to mom that sister is the problem.
At this point you can either wash your hands of it, which sucks, cause you want your mom to have the best, or you cans your reasonable siblings can try to find a way to gain mom's trust and convince her you're looking out for what's best for her, and that's not going to be easy.

I am just wondering...maybe its a question I should ask. How many people went through a mediator? And how did it go? Did a family member make a disaster of it?

Deb, if I were you, I'd ask the mediator question as a new question, you'll get more "hits". But another thing. Is it just this one sister who twists things, or are several of your siblings aligned with her? Do the rest of them realize the damage she's doing? Can you rally some of your siblings (without her knowing...who is running to tattle tale sis?)and gain some traction for the mediator idea? Otherwise, I guess I'd inform your mom that I really can't have anything more to do with management of her money.

Tell your sibs that they have hurt you to the bone and be done with it. Let your sibs be the control freaks and deal with the problems . It doesn't mean you can't visit your mom. If there are two many layers of the onion to pull back --- stay away from them. Maybe be cordial like dealing with a boss from hell in the best possible way. And that means maybe giving ( or giving up) more than receiving. But at least you can live with yourself. Good luck.

Mistyanne7, my comments originally were very close to yours. I have four siblings, a very difficult NPD mother and a very in denial, codependent dad, both in their 80's. With the five of us, it'd be like having five blind men in a room with an elephant and asking each one of them to describe what an elephant looks like and smells like. Every single one would be vastly different. ALL of us have family dynamics. I am fairly no nonsense and want to set aside a ton of emoting to find a viable solution. My mother and my sister (one of them ) could not be farther from that. I am the oldest of the five, the next one is a brother, so the oldest son and in my family being a male equals you know what you are talking about more than if you are a female. Anyway, it could go on and on but most of the time, with most humans, there is a meaning behind a meaning. These things go way back, people are capable of lying to themselves even! I have chosen to back away even though I see a lot of infighting for position and recognition. I don't want or need my parents money either, which is not the case for all of them. My parents did an artful job of pitting siblings against each other and now that they are elderly they are reaping the harvest they sowed. Regardless, I often think of how I want things to be when I am the same age as my mother, which for my will be in 20 years. Not that long! If I am of sound mind, I don't want anyone deciding what's best for me. We have the right, all of us, to make mistakes, live the way we choose and do things the way we want them done. Grown kids are NOT responsible for picking up the pieces of their elderly parents' bad choices either. Setting aside a lot of emoting, decisions have to be made and if someone is of sound mind, the best thing to do is to back off and let them be.

Ohreally51 I like how insightful your thoughts are. My mother seems to be of sound mind I am sure that is what my siblings argument would be. My mother is 94 and homebound. Very dependent on her kids helping her out. So I believe she can be very easily influenced and coerced. So can you consider that of sound mind? I see a weak feeble woman willing to believe what she is being told. And yes I have backed away to.

Debbie1956 gosh! Sound of mind covers some broad ground doesn't it? I guess yet another 'saying' comes to mind - no victims just volunteers. I think you can offer to your mom that from now on you are willing to help her within whatever parameters you can and ARE willing to do so and also tell you that from now on, you will talk directly and only to her, about her. If one of your siblings tries to pull you in, then just say 'let's run that by Mom together'. You stop it right there. If everything you do lives in the light of day, no body can accuse you wrongly. Can they accuse you? Oh, yeah! And most likely they will because family members that like to 'triangulate' won't give up that easy. Don't allow yourself to react no matter what they do and be true to yourself. None of us has the 'power' to save the day despite anything. I am sure you have a life, whether it's work, friends, kids, a spouse, etc. Get your focus on that stuff and make your mother's issues 'smaller', taking up less space. If the rest of them want to duke it out, so to speak, you won't have to be in the fray. Also, just a thought, you mention your mom is easily coerced but it sounded to me like she was fairly good at doing that herself to you and about you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you but it's a pattern.