The other day I sent an email to all my siblings about my mothers finances. The only part I have in it was doing the online banking. My two sisters have taken over everything else. Among my siblings there is only division. We no longer talk or communicate what so ever. Except through my mother. Her finances are getting very low. So I put out an email to let the siblings know we should have a plan. But it backfired on me. My mother had called me within an hour ...upset...and asked why I did that. I did not want to start an argument so I told her I was at dinner and would have to call her back. At the time I was shocked that they got to her that quickly. But I shouldn't of been that is usually the way they handled things. Was I wrong for putting out that email? I received a text message yesterday stating the password has been changed. So I was taken off the banking system. No I did not discuss with my mother if I could do this. I thought it would make her worry more about money. I did send out a follow up email apologizing if the email offended anyone. And I did say the last thing I wanted to do was to put more distance between me and my mother.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/siblings-are-changing-moms-will-third-time-172353.htm
This was very insightful, so I didn't search for any other posts you might have written.
It seems there are some changes. Perhaps you could first update us on these statements, as they do seem to suggest that you were out of the loop for a while:
1. "I am not sure where to begin on why I don't go see my mother anymore."
2. "They (siblings) took over all her bank accounts.....at one time my mother made sure she had all of us on one of her accounts.....now just the select few are on there."
Did something occur that persuaded your mother to include you as a signatory to her accounts? Yet very quickly after a text message your name was removed. I'm not sure I'm following this correctly - your mother added your name then removed it after your siblings texted you, and apparently contacted your mother?
It's pretty clear that the siblings aren't in harmony about how to handle some issues of your mother's care. Your question asks about making the siblings aware of your mother's finances, the basis for your e-mail query.
Apparently the purpose was to create a plan for financially helping your mother. What's that situation now? Is she still living alone, able to manage in her own home? Why are her finances "getting low"? Does she have home care? Any assets? Who manages them? Are any of the siblings helping her?
I have a suspicion that the friction in the family is going to prevent any collective agreement but I'm still unclear what the friction is about. Perhaps you could shed some light on this situation so suggestions could be made.
Yes she does still live alone. Yes there are siblings there helping her. The reason her finances are depleting is complicated but I will try to explain My father owned a plumbing business and then my brother took it over. It was always run out of my mother house. My dad died in 1999. So my brother has been paying overly generous amount of rent to her to help her out and like buy the business. No other sibling wanted anything to do with the business. He took care of the house with no complaints from anyone. Until a few years ago they accused him of having my mom pay his taxes. Some really bizarre accusations. Even though he was accused of all kids of stuff they lowered his rent which in turn lowered my mothers income. Fights broke out within the family stating whether he could move his office or not. He did nothing but helped her out. They were very arrogant and claimed my mom was paying his bills. Well its been a few years now with the low rent and she is not making it with the bills she has. She has good health care but no prescription coverage. He does not live there and hasn't for years. He just kept an office there.
I sent my siblings an email about her finances. I received a text message from the bank stating the password was changed. My sisters got together with my mother (I guess) and decided not to let me see the accounts anymore.
There is a lot of friction but its like pulling back an onion just a lot of layers. I just wonder if I should of sent that email.
Looks like you've been relieved of responsibility. While your feelings may be hurt, I don't see any evil intent with what you say you did. I will say that I hate emails for situations that may be dicey...something you might have known. Words on paper are often less clear than phone calls...
It's done and over. Put it out of your head if you can. If your own family is going to impute bad will into your sending it, there's nothing you can do about it anyhow.
Ignore the bank account change. Less work for you. And discussing it with your sisters is a fast track to an argument.
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"agreements not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on."
Feuding family communications are best reduced to writing and archived. When I found myself an executor of an estate I copied everyone from A to Z
It is known a CYA.
I suggest thinking of relationships. You, your mom and siblings . I gather your mom is most important to you. Thus, treasure her. It appears you and siblings have been more or less estranged for some time. Is the main issue not "control?" and by that I mean well-meaning control on your part? We can't control what others do or think. It is frustrating and fretful to even try, much less be consumed by such issues. Thus, salvage and preserve anything good in your relationship with siblings and let all the rest slide. When mom goes on to her reward, you and each sibling may or may not receive anything from mom's estate.
Meanwhile, love on momser, be cordial with siblings, deflect mom's comments about any family squabbles and so on. Bring a handful of old black and white photos with you next time you go to see mom, and talk about old times.
If mom asks such questions as "what about this or that concerning her finances or assets or who is in charge of what" just say "I've been thinking about that, too. I'll ask the others." Then pick up another photo from the 1930s and ask, "Isn't that guy in the background Uncle Frank?"
Grace + Peace,
Bob
My belief, opinion is that all kinds of factors and emotional and sibling stuff plays in during these times. Jealousy, suspicions, greed, anger. It certainly shows the quality of character of those whom we are dealing with. Part of all of this can be due to the younger generation having to accept losing our parents soon. Also, in some situations unresolved grief turned to anger. Childish concerns over who's Mom's favorite, etc. All kinds psychological factors can play into these times. I am very frustrated by the stress it causes our parents and us with good intentions. This time is so difficult anyway but family problems magnify the difficulty tremendously. How must our parents feel...with being caught in the middle of it, feeling the cause of it, and dealing with their own decline, meanwhile being bombarded with ill intended comments and happenings.
I believe the troublemakers stagnate the process of the positive that could have been obtained. Troublemakers looking to do little and find, create fault with those trying to help...and it is bullying. Again, I am not professional in any of these matters...and what I say is my opinion and belief.
I have found that communicating with my sibs through email is a waste of time. Emails are so short, and seem very impersonal.I find that I have to CALL each sib, take notes on the call and then get everyone's input and then maybe call a family mtg. This has worked maybe once or twice in the last 11 years.
You're right about the layers of an onion...families are like that. We may have all had the same parental upbringing, but we do NOT have the same kind of relationships. And money enters into the picture. Never helpful. I have been working really hard on having a better relationship with my own mother, as hard as that has been, I know she's not long for this world and I want to be on good terms. Sadly, whenever I visit, she talks about the 3 sibs who NEVER visit and asks about them. (sigh)
It sounds like the sibs freaked out over your email and got to mom. She could have misinterpreted what seems like general concern on your part to be greed or overstepping...I don't know. Take a breather from it. You can't do anything right now that's going to help. Sounds like you have had some squabbles in the past. That probably isn't going to change. Best of luck--you've have a lot of great advice given to you.
She lightly glosses over this with her "yes they are siblings there helping her", well than let them handle this.
Sounds like they resent your lack of role in any actual caregiving. If they're able to change the password than they have access to the account, so they're aware of the situation.
If you're so concerned than you get in the car or get on a plane and deal with this in person.
Good insights into family dynamics. The point you made about the effect of squabbling siblings on parents is well taken. It's unfortunate that in such situations the sibs can't rise above their personal goals and pull together for the larger good, which is the care of the parent.
Also good advice on e-mails. A whole new area of law has developed dealing with online and electronic communications, especially in business (and in politics, as Hillary knows well), as well as retention policies of firms as to their e-mail communications.
My situation is that my sister, the very least trustworthy member of our family, has 100% control over our mother's ~ million dollar estate. She does not communicate anything to any of us 3 siblings about our mom's finances, and my mother is totally clueless about all things financial. So my sister pays all my mom's bills online using access to her accounts. While I was there visiting a couple months ago, my mom's land line got cut off. When she asked my sister about it, she found she hadn't paid the bill, for how long I don't know! It was sitting on her coffee table she told my mom. She also only paid $100 on my mom's $600 credit card bill. My mom had told her to pay off her credit card balance every month. When she asked my sister about that, she got some lame excuse. Coincidentally, my sister and her parasitic boyfriend had just returned from a trip to NY. My conclusion is that my sister is short-paying (or not paying) my mom's bills and dipping in to her accounts to supplement her travel expenses. But my mother and sister keep it all in their own little world and nobody else has any information about my mom's financial matters - period. That includes her will, annuities, bank accounts, insurance proceeds, etc. My sociopathic sister is the only one privy to this information. If I even ask a question about any of it, I get labeled "greedy", even though they all know my husband and I have assets at least triple what my mom has. So, in other words, my husband and I aren't sitting in a bird's nest with our beaks wide open waiting for any worms to fall in our mouths like they are. My sister wants things just the way they are - her 100% in control and possibly hijacking our potential inheritance out from under us. I haven't been able to figure out how to go about remedying this situation, but would like any suggestions you all may have. Debbie, in a way you are fortunate that you mom is running out of money. Nothing for your siblings to fight over, except how will you all pay for her care going forward. Watch them scatter when that day comes!!
Doesn't matter if you're paying them $$(as you stated), you should be paying them, I bet it's still less than the cost of paying a stranger. And the years they give up they don't get back.
They're also not working(well they are but not in the typical sense) so when your mom passes they won't be able to just go back into the job market. So they need to be taken care after your mom passes.
Sorry, I don't consider someone who just manages the finances as a caregiver, that's a financial manager.
I would be willing to bet the siblings of the OP resent her lack of a role other than playing banker.
Well my becoming DPOA opened a very large can of worms and my sibling became very angry with me, even though I had told her twice that I was going to ask Mom to appoint me. Our youngest sibling did not care and it was fine.
I tell you all this because NOTHING I DID WAS RIGHT OR GOOD ENOUGH FOR OLDER SIBLING! I got zero help from her but 1000% in gripes and complaints.
I do not know how you stated your email to your siblings but sending the email was perfectly fine. You were concerned so you made a statement to everyone that Mom's money was running low. They however interpreted it as complaining or sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Mom was embarrassed because someone called her and told her what you had done trying to throw you under the bus.
You say "they" are spending time as her house helping her. Do you ever spend time there, helping out? Unless you live hours away, you need to be physically helping especially when she becomes ill and can no longer be by herself. Being a caregiver is the hardest and most tiring job in the world, especially if Mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. Caregivers need physical help and relief from all those other siblings on a regular basis.
It is a real shame that at a time in life when we all need to stick together as a family and all pull together for the good of the ill person....we all seemed to fall apart and get our feelings hurt and try to hurt the other person rather than show love, peace and harmony.
The act of sending out the email was not wrong, however your siblings wanted to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your Mom does not need to be caught up in the middle of the children's arguments....she is supposed to be the ill one!
Just a note: My older sibling did not straighten up until after our Mom died. What a shame that Mom only saw meanness from her until the day she died.
If you don't have a legally recognized oversight role for your mom, like power of attorney or court granted custody, there are no laws preventing anyone from taking decision making and access to info away from you. The siblings who do hold those roles are accountable to the court for her situation. Without these formal designations, things can get weird & ugly fast. Nobody can "self-appoint" as guardian/custodian/attorney-in-fact. Forms, notarization, and sometimes court is involved. It's quite rude to exclude you from the conversation, but it might be a blessing in disguise.
Being a joint account holder or authorized signer on mom's account does NOT equate to having power of attorney or guardianship and overriding mom's wishes for her money.
Personally, I would drop this like a hot rock and let the control freaks have it. Just enjoy your mom and what you are able to do with her.