Making siblings aware of Mother's (94) finances. Any advice?

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The other day I sent an email to all my siblings about my mothers finances. The only part I have in it was doing the online banking. My two sisters have taken over everything else. Among my siblings there is only division. We no longer talk or communicate what so ever. Except through my mother. Her finances are getting very low. So I put out an email to let the siblings know we should have a plan. But it backfired on me. My mother had called me within an hour ...upset...and asked why I did that. I did not want to start an argument so I told her I was at dinner and would have to call her back. At the time I was shocked that they got to her that quickly. But I shouldn't of been that is usually the way they handled things. Was I wrong for putting out that email? I received a text message yesterday stating the password has been changed. So I was taken off the banking system. No I did not discuss with my mother if I could do this. I thought it would make her worry more about money. I did send out a follow up email apologizing if the email offended anyone. And I did say the last thing I wanted to do was to put more distance between me and my mother.

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Debbie, I checked for earlier posts you made to get some background on this situation and found this one, made on 9-25-14:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/siblings-are-changing-moms-will-third-time-172353.htm

This was very insightful, so I didn't search for any other posts you might have written.

It seems there are some changes. Perhaps you could first update us on these statements, as they do seem to suggest that you were out of the loop for a while:

1. "I am not sure where to begin on why I don't go see my mother anymore."

2. "They (siblings) took over all her bank accounts.....at one time my mother made sure she had all of us on one of her accounts.....now just the select few are on there."

Did something occur that persuaded your mother to include you as a signatory to her accounts? Yet very quickly after a text message your name was removed. I'm not sure I'm following this correctly - your mother added your name then removed it after your siblings texted you, and apparently contacted your mother?

It's pretty clear that the siblings aren't in harmony about how to handle some issues of your mother's care. Your question asks about making the siblings aware of your mother's finances, the basis for your e-mail query.

Apparently the purpose was to create a plan for financially helping your mother. What's that situation now? Is she still living alone, able to manage in her own home? Why are her finances "getting low"? Does she have home care? Any assets? Who manages them? Are any of the siblings helping her?

I have a suspicion that the friction in the family is going to prevent any collective agreement but I'm still unclear what the friction is about. Perhaps you could shed some light on this situation so suggestions could be made.
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Without knowing the entire back story, I don't see any problem sending that email. Sometimes we just misjudge how others will react. Seems like that's what happened here.

Looks like you've been relieved of responsibility. While your feelings may be hurt, I don't see any evil intent with what you say you did. I will say that I hate emails for situations that may be dicey...something you might have known. Words on paper are often less clear than phone calls...

It's done and over. Put it out of your head if you can. If your own family is going to impute bad will into your sending it, there's nothing you can do about it anyhow.

Ignore the bank account change. Less work for you. And discussing it with your sisters is a fast track to an argument.
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Debbie, i think this is water under the bridge. It sounds as thougj your very honorable ontent not to cause your mom any worry or agitation over her finances backfired because your siblings saw something else. I have no idea how they thinv and probably, neither do you, as you sound like a straight shooter. Less work for you.
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First, I empathize with you... Second, I believe most such problems can be solved in three minute's time. I do not mean that the problems go away. How? Well, you said mom does not have many assets left. So, you are now free of being involved with that.

I suggest thinking of relationships. You, your mom and siblings . I gather your mom is most important to you. Thus, treasure her. It appears you and siblings have been more or less estranged for some time. Is the main issue not "control?" and by that I mean well-meaning control on your part? We can't control what others do or think. It is frustrating and fretful to even try, much less be consumed by such issues. Thus, salvage and preserve anything good in your relationship with siblings and let all the rest slide. When mom goes on to her reward, you and each sibling may or may not receive anything from mom's estate.

Meanwhile, love on momser, be cordial with siblings, deflect mom's comments about any family squabbles and so on. Bring a handful of old black and white photos with you next time you go to see mom, and talk about old times.
If mom asks such questions as "what about this or that concerning her finances or assets or who is in charge of what" just say "I've been thinking about that, too. I'll ask the others." Then pick up another photo from the 1930s and ask, "Isn't that guy in the background Uncle Frank?"

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Debbie, you did nothing wrong in writing your email. It was not designed to forward any personal agenda, nor to criticize anyone else. You had your mother's best interests at heart. Unfortunately it sounds like the family dynamics overshadow the matter of your mother. You've done the best you can and you sound like the kind of person that is far above the games the others seem to be playing. Be strong.
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You need to get tough skinned in these family matters, try not to let yourself hurt over what siblings say and stay calm if there is any contact. I see no wrong doing in your email...it just shows concern.
My belief, opinion is that all kinds of factors and emotional and sibling stuff plays in during these times. Jealousy, suspicions, greed, anger. It certainly shows the quality of character of those whom we are dealing with. Part of all of this can be due to the younger generation having to accept losing our parents soon. Also, in some situations unresolved grief turned to anger. Childish concerns over who's Mom's favorite, etc. All kinds psychological factors can play into these times. I am very frustrated by the stress it causes our parents and us with good intentions. This time is so difficult anyway but family problems magnify the difficulty tremendously. How must our parents feel...with being caught in the middle of it, feeling the cause of it, and dealing with their own decline, meanwhile being bombarded with ill intended comments and happenings.
I believe the troublemakers stagnate the process of the positive that could have been obtained. Troublemakers looking to do little and find, create fault with those trying to help...and it is bullying. Again, I am not professional in any of these matters...and what I say is my opinion and belief.
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Also, e-mail communications can be used in support of a position, especially one in which one person it handling all the care w/o support of the other siblings. E-mails provide documentation of siblings who are asked to participate but decline to do so.
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gettingoldsucks, so you do no "hands on" caregiving? Your sibling does that? It's great that they're getting paid, but instead of just thinking of paying yourself out at the end, think of your sibling who has given up their life to take care of your mother.

Doesn't matter if you're paying them $$(as you stated), you should be paying them, I bet it's still less than the cost of paying a stranger. And the years they give up they don't get back.

They're also not working(well they are but not in the typical sense) so when your mom passes they won't be able to just go back into the job market. So they need to be taken care after your mom passes.

Sorry, I don't consider someone who just manages the finances as a caregiver, that's a financial manager.

I would be willing to bet the siblings of the OP resent her lack of a role other than playing banker.
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Thank You everyone. A lot of great comments and a lot to think about. AS for my family we were very close at one time. I was there helping my mother a lot at one time. But to many events like this have happened over the years. The way I saw it it is like this family is going through a divorce but instead of kids being in the middle we put my mother in the middle. So I stepped away for awhile. It seemed like things were settling down. As far as my mothers finances she seems to be living a lot longer than anyone expected. Repairs have come up on the house that no one was expecting. As in the past my brother and I are above financially secure. Not that anyone of them are broke. As in the past my brother and I are looked at to bail people out but are not allowed to ask about their finances. And then when we do it is how dare we question them. The email was just meant to say things may be needed in the future and we need to plan something. They ran to my mother with it which put more of a strain on my relationship with my mother.
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So sorry. They shouldn't involve Mom. She just wants the rest of her life calm. Its kind of cruel.
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