Are any of you making plans so that YOUR children don't have to go through what we went through/are going through with our parents?

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My siblings and I had a frustrating, frightening two to three years with our parents, both of whom we lost in the last two years. We had no training in dementia or dementia care; we had no idea what was happening to my dad as he became forgetful, difficult and demanding (I WILL drive if I want to! Those people at DMV just have it in for old people, and LIED about my vision!), and then began with the hallucinations. Mom had memory problems, but always remained sweet. Dad demanded to live alone at his home (with my brother and I visiting three times a day for his care) after Mom went into a nursing home and then died. When things got really bad (wandering the streets in the middle of the night or calling the police looking for my (deceased) mother, thinking he was in a hotel, wanting to go "home," we got him into memory care by sedating him and lying to him. My issue is that I really dread treating my own children like that, and intend to write them a "handbook" on what to look for should I go this route, and a letter allowing them and encouraging them to find a nice memory care facility for me if that time comes. As you suffer (many of you) with parents' dementia, etc., are you thinking about how to help your children if it happens to you? Any suggestions for all of us?

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As soon as my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD we made sure to get all legal paperwork in order. I never had to deal with this when my mom passed as she did have eeverything in order. Don't wantmy son to be under that amount of uunnecessary stress. Please parents out there, take care of these issues for your children's sake and sanity.
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I have no kids, so I know I'll have to provide for myself. I fully expect to end my days in a nursing home. I don't know who it will be that will sign me in - I have family but we're not close. If I had the money to enter a CCRC I'd do that, but I currently don't and I doubt I'll have it by the time I need care, either. It worries me, but at least I won't be making anybody else's life miserable even if mine is.
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Luckily my parents had all the paperwork in order.. except Dad "misplaced' some information...LOl It;s all good now but was hairy for awhile. This year I plan to do the POA, etc for daughter. She has seen what we went through with my parents.. dad passed in Feb and mom is living with us, and still pretty sharp. I think she will do the right things, and we should be OK but you never know. I also hope to downsize when my mom is no longer with us, we need the space now. I really hope to not live long enough to be a problem. The in laws are in thier 90's . MIL with some sort of undiagnosed dementia, very bad.. but not to THEM!! FIL is frail but mentally sharp if living in the 70s...LOL They just moved in with BIL.. They were also not wanting to make any plans..Hey we're not that bad yet... So thier estate is a bit of mess... a bit late to fix in my mind but you could not tell them.. so hubs and BIL are in for a fun ride
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Wow, your responses to my issue have been spot on! Thanks for reminders about the legal documents, and financial lists. We have done all of those so far, but am just starting to write up my plans for care, and my "permission" for my two kids to take the necessary steps if I lose my memory and am attacked by the Dementors! I found this discussion site about a year ago and the folks here have been sanity-savers, reminding me constantly that so many of us are in the same boat. Sure hope to hear from more of you what YOU are doing for your own futures.
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Ooooh yes!

Dealing with my elderly parents lack of planning has been a train wreck and a nightmare. Both my parents are secretive and paranoid people. They have always made it completely clear that their affairs were none of our business. They were self employed and owned property and inventory but never put a penny in savings. Now that Dad has dementia Mom expects us (her children) to take care of everything...selling property, liquidating the business, cleaning out the properties, paying off their enormous debt with the proceeds and making sure they still have money to live on and Dad still thinks he is going back to work. I won't go into what this has done to all of our relationships but suffice to say it's been horrible. It's also been a HUGE wake-up call.

I'm 59 and my husband is 62. We are self employed, each running separate businesses. A few months ago I made the decision to close mine down and liquidate before so I don't wind up like my parents. I bring in half our income so I still need to work full time. As I transition out of my business I'm substitute teaching to supplement my drop in income and to get experience. I found a buyer for my inventory...pennies on the dollar but that's the way it works. I'm OK with that. That money will give me time to find a a full time para professional position (assistant teacher for special needs kids).

My husband and I live and work in a mixed use building which we own. It is not elder friendly at all plus my husband does all of our repairs and maintenance. The building is old and it's already getting hard for him to keep up. We just put the building on the market with plans to buy a two family when it sells, we will live on the ground floor and rent the other unit. This will give us some rental income. My husband will rent a small office space for his business when we move. We are both going to have to work as long as we can as we have little savings and will only have SSI to retire on. No debt thank God, credit has always given me the willies.

Meanwhile we have spoken with our kids and told them we are making up a will and putting together instructions for medical situations. We cannot afford decent long tern care insurance and we will never be able to afford assisted living so those are worrisome things.

We are deciding now how to do DPOA. Most likely it will be for each other with an alternate. We are not sure who that would be. I want to talk to the kids about what this means so they will be fully informed. We are going to be completely transparent with all of them in all these matters. My sons get along really well and I don't ever want to jeopardize that.

The rest is in a higher powers hands....
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BINGO about the personal handbook... I gave my parents [mid 90's] a handbook to fill out and I am hoping Dad has been doing his homework [example, my Dad wants to be buried in Iowa.... oh great, Dad, thanks for narrowing it down... I really need more information].... now I hope my Dad fills out where all his stock is located because it isn't with just one broker [like I have mine], Dad has bought through the companies themselves so I have no clue what he has, and if he has paper certificates hidden in the house or buried in the backyard.

I wasn't blessed with children [modern medical technology wasn't around back then] so I need to look out for myself. I have been frugal and saved like crazy since I was 5 years old.... was hoping for a world wide travel in my retirement but that isn't going to happen.... will use that money for my OWN assisted living which feels like just around the corner for me due to all the stress :P

Windy, I did the same thing regarding legal documents as soon as I noticed if I didn't do something now, we would be using an old Will which would have turned into a financial nightmare. Learning from that, I signed my own Trust, Will, etc. last year, so glad that is done.

I am seriously thinking of downsizing as each year my yard feels like it has doubled in size when it comes to caring for it... same with the house. I learned from my parents that gluing themselves to their large single family house isn't the best way to spend your final years. I don't want to have to search for someone to buy me 20 lbs of fertilizer for my yard when I am 95 [like my parents are doing] or be out trying to shovel snow. Or climbing ladders. Or not wanting to pay for help... [sigh].
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Tekkamae you have some great ideas. Yes by all means put in writing you're wishes for your own eldercare and give this to your children. Many people start out the aging process not wanting to be a burden to their kids but when the ability to reason goes away all bets are off. I don't have any kids ( whole other topic...Who in the h*ll is going to deal with my wife and I !?) but if I did I would make sure they understand to put me in care as soon as I become a pain in the a**. And don't forget the POA, will, legal and financial info the kids are going to need. Get all that done soon. When my parents first started faltering I got all that stuff done. Now with my dads dementia it would be impossible. Thanks for raising a great issue for disscussion.
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