Does anyone have any advice on how to make my husband understand the joy I receive in being with my parents and being able to be there for them?

What you've got here is two people, each one of which is trying to convince the other to feel differently from how they actually feel. Doesn't work. Never has. Never will. Sad, because relationships die this way when two perfectly good-hearted people don't mean them to.

Plus, by "understand what you're feeling" you really mean "agree with what I'm doing." And vice versa. Never mind what's "fair" from the outside -- either party can tell their story in a way that would make outsiders think differently! -- there's two people feeling unheard, not getting what they need or believe they need. TWO. Not just you.

Nobody feels heard when nobody's listening, so someone has to start the listening. It doesn't have to be you who goes FIRST, but somebody does.

The way you phrase your question demonstrates that you're trying to get him to change, which is the opposite of listening. And whether you mean it this way or not, it's not a big stretch for anyone who is feeling unheard or frustrated to think that your phrase about JOY means, "I feel more joy with them than I feel with you."

To shift things, one of you has to stop trying to defend your position and change the other one's feelings, and instead get truly curious about what the other one is feeling and why. It doesn't matter which one of you starts this, but it might as well be you. If you stopped being sure you were right and started being curious about what's going on with him, you might find out some things that actually make sense to you, or that you could be compassionate about. It might totally surprise you. It might require only the tiniest shift for you both to be happy, or happier, or happy enough -- not to abandon your whole plan. No-one can know in advance. Find out. (This is what counselors try to arrange for. Get help, but you'll get where you need to go faster if you understand that this is what it's about.)

Sounds like marriage counseling might be in order. If he won't go with you-you should go by yourself. Try to find a counselor who has worked with these kinds of issues previously. You can't "make" him understand. You can try to get him to be specific about his complaints and possibly try to mitigate some of his concerns.....I'm guessing that he wants more attention.

At first sight it seems thoroughly unfair, doesn't it? - his mother needed help, so you upped sticks and went; now your parents need help, and he's grumbling. Hmm.

Were you a lot younger when his mother was ill, and he was still working, perhaps, and not faced with the daily reality of it?

What has he had to leave behind? (And where is his home country, if you don't mind my asking?)

Is he afraid of this temporary relocation becoming permanent, perhaps? Possibly he hasn't even voice that to himself, but one wonders.

It's quite a complex situation you have to handle anyway. If your parents are still in their own home and would like to remain so 'til the end of their days, you'll need to set up a good support network for them (I'm sure you know better than to attempt it single-handed?!). If they're in a supported living environment, and you hope they will be there for many years to come, you would need your own home, occupation, social circle and support network. There are so many ifs and buts.

I expect your husband is feeling aggrieved that his retirement plans have been up-ended to an extent, and gloomy about how long it might be before he can resurrect them. How serious and specific was the ultimatum? Did it bear any relation to a reasonable plan?

I agree with Hedgie that you can't make him understand; only I think my reasons for thinking that are perhaps more cynical than hers. I believe you can't make him understand because I suspect he doesn't want to: it's not that he doesn't understand; it's that he doesn't agree. You already know he "gets" the looking after mother thing, because he agreed to that in his own mother's case. He surely can't pretend it's ok just to leave your father to it? Only now his priorities have changed: he wants his retirement, with you in it, to come first.

I think there's a lot of discussion ahead. Stick to your guns, but see what's worrying him and see how far you can accommodate his worries without letting down your parents. Good luck x

Hi Kitty, what would your husband want should he get into an accident or become ill, your help or a nursing home? Yes selfish could be the word for him, I agree. The true person comes out in situations like this, your husband, kids, relatives, siblings, on how they really are deep down in their soul. The only thing I can think of is moving them in with you, an inlaw apartment added on maybe, and hire part time help so your husband and you can still do things. Alz isnt going to get any easier, soon she will need 24/7 help and for many years, what then? I have my Mother in our home (6 years), and my husband has been absolutely fabulous. He helps with the cooking and cleaning alot as I am changing, bathing, or feeding Mom, and he helps me change her every night in bed because she cant walk (or talk). We have been married 38 years and I love him more every day for what he puts up with. You need to get help like 3 mornings and weekends to spend time with him if you want your marraige to last, thats "if" you want it to. I understand both sides I really do, but you arent going to change his feelings, you need to find a solution that fits both of you. I hired help 3 mornings and when I can, for saturday and sundays for 6-8 hours, although thats hard to find so its here and there. Makes you really appreciate when you do get to go out. Talk talk talk, it solves most anything. Bless you for doing what you are doing and hold your head high that you are in the right, you have a good heart.
PS this is a test also as to would he care for you, should you get ill?

Agree with CarolLynn strongly on the point of not placing any bets about which spouse will predecease the other. My DIL's grandfather, hale and hearty, took loving care of his AD-sufferer wife - wonderful and ideal set-up until he died without warning, leaving DIL's mother heart-broken and overwhelmed all in one go. Moral: cover all the bases.

My parents have moved into an independent retirement home. It was a compromise with the doctors for now, so my parents could stay together, and until my mother needs more care. My oldest brother shares expenses with my husband and myself in my parents home. I go help them in the mornings and my brother helps them in the afternoons/evenings. I come home and spend the afternoons with my husband, as well as the two days "off" that I have.

My husband is from Thailand, a country with enormous family ties. We moved there for the last five months of his mother's life and stayed there for nearly nine years. I gave up all my possessions the first time, and left our 23 year old daughter, who was living with us at the time. My husband wanted to move back to the US after our first three years abroad, so I gave up all my possessions again, but couldn't afford to stay on his low retirement, so we went back. We own a home in Thailand, and I have told him that I want to return, when I feel I can no longer care for my mother.

We had sat down together in the beginning and agreed to commit to six months here to help my parents, but before we even arrived, he had changed his mind and after only two months, already went back to Thailand for a month. Now he is saying we should take a vacation for another month, but I know he will want us to stay. I don't feel good about living a leisurely life on the beach, while my parents tell me they don't know what they would do without me.

Hug. Very difficult for you.

When is the notional six month commitment up? I think it should be uncontroversial for you to keep to that, with or without husband. Estimating that this gives you three months to think what to do next, that's when it will get difficult. Are there more children than you and your brother? Is it time for the grand family summit conference? What are your daughter's circumstances now?

Very difficult, and much too complex a decision for casual observers to offer any really useful advice. It seems that you and your husband need to think about what's most important to both of you, and how well your many options can be adapted to those priorities. Meanwhile, nobody has to burn any bridges, do they?

I'm glad your parents appreciate your help. I'm glad your brother is pulling his weight. Yours sounds like a loving and supportive family; in which case you can perhaps be confident of understanding and acceptance when you reach your well thought-out decisions about the future. Good luck, keep us posted.

We don't know enough history to answer the question very well. We know you left your life to care for his parent, but how long was it, and did you remain there afterward? How long have you been helping with your mother? Do you and your husband have children and where are they? Does the husband want to return to his home? What stage is your mother and how capable is your father? Are there any siblings that could help. Let us know a bit more and someone may have some suggestions. I normally advise that the spouse and children come first, but I know there are exceptions when things are too unbalanced.

First of all, you cannot "make" someone do anything they do not want to do (unless you have a gun to their head). Sounds like he is selfish, doesn't want to surrender to your wishes now that his mother is deceased, and you are the only one who can decide with whom you want to live. Giving an ultimatum like this proves he is needing something you cannot give him now, and like a child he is "forcing" you to make a decision. So whom will you choose? Remember your mother has a terminal illness...Good luck!

Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband isn't able to set aside his own apparently overwhelming needs in order to indulge your joy in being there for your parents.

In your place, my focus would be to figure out whether it's a case of WON'T or CAN'T. Just because you were able to make sacrifices for him, doesn't mean he is capable of doing the same for you in these circumstances. After 37 years together, this is something you should be able to assess.

If you are too emotionally involved to see clearly, then counseling may be a help. Just be sure you have a good fit with the therapist, that s/he helps you feel calm and comfortable and you trust their judgment.

Good luck and God bless.