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My mother has been declared incompetent, I am her POA, she has trust issues with me taking care of her money, how to make her comfortable. She is very angry and frustrated...was seeing a therapist, but doesn't want to any more...I believe she needs too...

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I guess I'm not that sensitive, but I don't see me being bothered by well meaning people who don't know what they are talking about trying to control the situation.

Sometimes you just have to have the confidence to be in charge and not let people annoy you. There are polite ways to say, "Well that may be interesting, It's not what mom is facing, so let's not get ahead of ourselves. She is getting excellent care and we are relying on the therapist or doctor's recommendations right now. I would prefer you not discuss things like that, because it causes confusion." Or you might tell them in private later on.

I wouldn't be rude about it, but if they felt put off, then so be it. Who should be feeling bad about their behavior, you, your mom or them. I say them. Forget hurt feelings. Just be honest and up front. You have enough to deal with without worrying about people who are not helping the situation. I wouldn't burn bridges, but I would not allow them to horn in when they don't know what they are talking about. That can't be good for your mom.

It's good you are getting her in regarding the hallucinations. How old is your mom? I hope you get some answers.
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What do you all do when well-meaning and some not so well-meaning friends and neighbors think they all know better on Moms well-being? She is now having hallucinations and/or paranoia episodes...have a doctors appointment Monday to check her meds and such....

I guess I am whining here a bit....it's hard enough to deal with your Mother not being herself anymore and you are the one dealing with it 24/7 and people see her for 20 minutes every couple weeks and think they know what is best for her....and you have to deal with them, too...arrggg...
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Your SIL has no rights in respect of your mother beyond those of any concerned citizen and family member: in other words, the right to voice her concerns, the right to report anything of serious concern to appropriate authorities, etc.

If your mother had wanted your SIL to take charge of her wellbeing, there was nothing stopping her from asking your SIL to accept POA, correct? Point that out to SIL next time she pisses you off and tell her to go and sit on one and spin.
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How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb has to want to change.
A waste of time to force an incompetent elder to see a therapist.
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You can persuade her to see a therapist. First, go to the therapist yourself, ask what can be done.
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Chelann, I don't believe you have the authority to remove your brother as successor if that's the way the document was drafted and executed by your mother. Nor can you add your younger sister, unless there are specific provisions in either or both documents granting you that authority. I may be wrong but that's my understanding.

It would be helpful if one of the attorneys who comments periodically on posts would read and opine on this issue to give you a more knowledgeable answer.

There's a possibility that the DPOA grants you authority to execute and/or change certain documents; you'd have to read it with a fine tooth comb to see if that power is created.

As to your SIL, that's an equally tough decision. I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone being fired, but I also wouldn't want to have knowledge that mistakes could be made and someone injured because of it.

If you do contact the doctor, it could be construed as family rivalry by the doctor. Your brother likely would be angry with you, and it might disrupt family cohesiveness.

I'm wondering if perhaps you could make an anonymous report to your state's medical licensing department instead. If it's known that she has an addiction problem, your brother and SIL might suspect you. It's a really tough decision, whether to report and/or how to report.

That would probably be the issue as well as to how you made the determination she's an alcoholic, which might reveal that you have inside knowledge of her through family connections.

Maybe you could call Al-Anon and ask for some suggestions. The goal really would be to get her fired but rather to remove her from treatment and/or decision authority and get her some treatment.
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Jessie and Garden, my brother is successor...but really does not want to be all that involved...looking into removing him and having Moms younger sister put on as successor....and as for keeping SIL in the loop, we did this when my dad was ill and she self-diagnosed dad, had him so screwed up with what he should and shouldn't do....he had cancer which is what eventually took him...but I feel I should have fought harder for Dad....and didn't...she was the nurse...she should have known what she was doing....but hindsight....
Garden, not sure how she holds her job...this is the longest she has been at one....been let go from numerous positions.... she now works for prominent doctor in town...and am not sure that I shouldn't contact them....I would not want anyone I know going to that office knowing the things I know.
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Missed Jessie's comment while I was posting. Just a suggestion as to sibling involvement - Jessie makes a good point about listening and accepting or ignoring suggestions.

I'd be cautious about the SIL though, given that you state she is an alcoholic. I wouldn't consider any medical recommendations from her. As health care proxy, you are responsible, and I certainly wouldn't be in the position of allowing someone with compromised reasoning to feel she can offer suggestions on your mother's care. If anything went awry, you're the proxy, not her.

BTW, how has she managed to hold her position as a nurse given her addiction?
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Just to be clear, you're named as attorney-in fact under a Durable Power of Attorney and an Advanced Directive (a/k/a Living Will), and you're the only person named? Your SIL and/or brother aren't named as co- or successor proxies?

If that's the case, then she has no rights that I know of.

If she's an alcoholic (despite being a nurse) and makes any attempt to challenge your authority, I hope you're prepared to document that fact since she would be an inappropriate proxy.

In fact, she may even be a danger to her patients. You could always use that as a tactic to get her to back off. You don't have to threaten, just query how she can manage to distribute meds, insert IVs and provide other care given her alcoholism. That should shut her up.

If it doesn't, query what her supervisors would do if they knew of her addiction.
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chelann, when it comes to siblings and suggestions, you can accept the ones you think are good and ignore the rest. Since your mother has been declared incompetent, she cannot change POAs now. You're in charge. In your position, I would keep Sister in the loop and listen to her concerns, but base decisions on what you know would be best for your mother.
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Dave, I couldn't do that...it's my mom and I need to see that she has the best care possible...SIL has issues that Mom doesn't need to be exposed too...
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I have sister-in-law, who is a nurse, who thinks she should be in control of mom {end quote}
Turn you mother over to her and let her have all problems
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I have another question...this possibly a lawyer question...I am the POA, medical and financial. I have sister-in-law, who is a nurse, who thinks she should be in control of mom.....what kind of rights does she have? my brother seems to not have too much input in regards to this and I'm growing weary of her drunk texts to me in regards to my caregiving. What recourse do I have...I ignore the texts...don't answer them...but have saved them....???
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Thank you all for you helpful comments...its nice to be able to discuss and see that others go through some of the same situations....
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Your profile says mom suffers from depression. Does she have dementia as well since she has been declared incompetent? Was it a court action?

If she has dementia, have all her bills sent to you. My mom would never remember to pay them anyway. She doesn't miss them. I agree with Windy, leave her out of the bills completely.
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I think your mother may have something else going on, i.e., that she who has apparently handled her finances for years is now faced with her daughter who is obviously much less younger and less experienced than she but now can have control over her funds.

I've dealt with this; it's hard to explain to them that you're trying to help. For them, it can be an insult.

Try to think how you'd feel; that might give you some insight into how to handle the situation.

I think there's always an issue when a parent is losing control of some aspect of his/her life, especially the financial ones.
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As for finances and trust issues I've had better luck with my Dad by keeping him totally out of the loop and just taking care of everthing. Mom plays along. If he asked about a bill, yes I paid that. Yes the CD was rolled over etc. so far so good.
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Excellent idea about the 3-visit commitment, Maggie. That could make it work.
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ask her if she will see a therapist three times . . . Just to please you. If you could get her to do that, there's always the possibility she won't mind it. Waste of time to force her, in my opinion.

Why not "take care of money" with her right there with you? As if she's helping you? I used to give mom stamps, have her stamp and seal the envelopes. Can't hurt. Might help. ;)
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chelann, I read that your mother has depression. Was it the therapist who declared her incompetent to handle her own affairs?

A big question is if you are both her financial and healthcare POA (healthcare proxy). If you have the financial POA, you can handle her business affairs as outlined in the POA. However, it takes a healthcare POA to make medical decisions. If you have the healthcare POA, then yes, you can continue to schedule her for appointments. That doesn't mean you can make her talk or listen to the therapist, but you can provide the opportunity for her. This is a very difficult circumstance, since therapy can only work if a person works with it. If you think the therapy will help her, I hope that you are able to show her how it is to her benefit. Good luck!
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