How can I make my Mom see that she's being mean?

Has this been a recent development or has she been like this a long time?

Some people "pick on" the very person who helps them the most. I am not sure that you can "make" her see that she is being mean. Some people live like that and want problems to complain about, but not solutions. When I realised that about my own mother I stopped trying to "fix" things. She concentrates on the negatives - for whatever reason. However you do not have to listen to it and can draw a boundary there and let her know that you will not listen to her trashing your brother.

k4rose, give her time to adjust and things may get better. Losing vision is a very hard blow. It makes it more difficult to adjust and socialize, so it may take a while. It is good that she is getting help, though, so it is worth it.

When she says bad things about your brother, just remind her that he is a sweetheart and you both love him. Your mother is probably angry about her circumstances and blaming him for them, though they aren't his fault. This happens a good bit. I'm glad that you're there to take up for your brother. If things go well, she will be agreeing with you soon.

K4rose, I'm struck that you say twice in your post that whatever solution you propose for her problems, your mother turns it down flat.

I wonder: that might be because there isn't a solution to her problems, which mainly are that she is old, frail, losing her sight and very, very fed up about it.

I sympathise with how wearing it is to have every suggestion pooh-poohed, but honestly? Stop making them. You are wasting your breath. If there really are things that could be done that would help her - I don't know, perhaps like talking books if she used to enjoy reading, that kind of thing - just go ahead and arrange them. Don't bother consulting her, just don't expect any thanks either, and especially don't spend more money than you're content to waste because whatever you introduce may be rejected out of hand. You're doing it for your mother's benefit, not her gratitude; and more in hope than expectation.

Does any of what she says get back to your brother? If not so far, you could try calling her out on it. You could give her the home truths: that she's lucky to have his support and she'd better cut out the negativity because she'd be right up a gum tree without him. Blunt, yes; but BE blunt. She needs to know. If she persists, and you're tired of hearing it, then tell her so, in so many words. In a similar situation with my BIL and his frankly slanderous mother I used literally to say "D___, I'm not listening to this, it's outrageous." And she'd stop. Of course you don't have to argue with her if you're not happy to, but you certainly don't have to listen.

So, I suppose, it's a matter of speaking to her adult to adult and insisting on the same standards of truth and fairness (not to mention good manners) that you'd expect from anyone else. But bear in mind that she could be 'talking for effect' - just mouthing off without really meaning anything; and the good part about that is, you can just let it be and do your best to help your brother shrug it off if it's bothering him.

I'm sorry that you're in this sad situation. It is disheartening, and yes ingratitude is a hurtful thing even when it's not aimed at you. Well done you for supporting your brother, and look at next week as a chance to thrash a few things out maybe? How long will you be around her for?

When they get mean, you walk out. Mom started yelling and throwing things when she got to Rehab. So I said " Having a tantrum?" and " I think I will let the nurses settle you in" and I kissed her forehead and off I went. The nurse said I did the right thing. Later mom was sobbing and apologetic to the nurse. I stayed away for 48 hours. When I came back she was much nicer. It kills you, but you have to do that sometimes.

Maybe see if they would try her on a little antidepressant medication, when you are depressed everything looks even more negative than it has to be, even if things were great you can be sad and cranky about it.

I would simply ask her if she ever wants to be home she needs to take advantage of this care and make her realize that . It is not the same as being home and point out to her the pros and cons and tell her not to take you and your brother and first of all I would pray that god would give you the right words

Countrymouse, she's is refusing to do any of the things she did for herself (blind as she is) when she was in her home. She won't even make herself a cup of coffee - "I don't know how to do that; this isn't my home." Yet, my brother has her kitchen area set up exactly as it was in her home. She even calls an attendant when she wants to go to the bathroom & it's fewer steps than at her home. I agree, that some things should just be done. Which my brother has bought certain aids for her. Then she complains to me via phone calls that "What am I suppose to do with this? Why is he spending money?" Yes, she argues with him in the car when he's taking her to a doctor's appointment; at his house; in front of his teens. He says he tries to tune it out, but he's confided in me that the tension is giving him some health concerns. It just feels good to be able to "talk" with other people-outside people who can be objective. Thank you!

You said your mom has been argumentative since your dad died and that she's really difficult now. It could be that she's been thrown by the major changes in her life, having to start relying on other people and not having her life as it was. Now she's having to adjust to relying on staff, being in a new place with a new routine, and moving to AL signifies a sad step in this chapter of her life. I'm not excusing her meanness and it sounds like your brother will need to establish boundaries. He needs to settle into a schedule of visits and calls that allow him to tend to his family and work. She may be experiencing what my mom has - she wants things as they were and no solutions short of turning back time 30 years will make her happy. Right now, I wouldn't try to solve problems. Once she starts settling in, she may make some friends.

Oh dear, sigh. She is in a proper grump, isn't she? Poor thing - but all the more poor you and brother that she's unloading on you. Maybe it will gradually settle down as she gets her bearings (and if she's normally been the buoyant type maybe she'll get bored with being in a bad mood?). I'd be patient-with-a-limit, I think. I'm sorry for her woes, but that doesn't mean you have to approve of the not very constructive approach she's taking.

As well as visiting her, will you have time to throw in a few treats for yourself during your stay? A nice meal, a hair-do, a movie or something? That might help to 'leaven the lump' as my mother used to put it.

k4rose, you might want to mention that letting your mom berate him in front of his kids can have unintended consequences. My daughter and niece have heard/seen my mom unload both barrels on their mothers and gradually pulled away from her. Currently one is no contact and the other is very little. It wasn't fair for them to have to listen to the rubbish, and sad that she now has lost touch with them.