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I'm not sure where to start .... so here are the issues at hand .... Issue #1 My mother and I have never had a relationship mostly because she was verbally and emotionally abusive to me when I lived at home. I felt it was best for me to distance myself from her in order to keep my sanity. Issue #2 - she was recently diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer that has metastasized to her brain and spine and was told she has several weeks to several months left. We are 2 months into home hospice care. Which leads to issue #3 - my mother lived with my brother prior to her diagnosis. So the home hospice is at his house. He is the primary caretaker and we both work full time jobs. He is single. I have a teenage daughter. I am able to manage my time between work, my daughter and taking care of my mom one day a week. I realize this may not be a whole lot of time to many, but given our past relationship its all I can give. Recently she started with the verbal and emotional abuse again; of course this was after I forgave her for all her past wrong doings in an effort to forge some relationship in the end. Shame on me I guess. Anyway, back to the reason I'm writing. I am currently at odds with my brother who believes I should spend more time taking care of our mother; he says it would give him a break. But he has managed to schedule people for an entire week, so I assumed (yes i know what happens when you assume) everything was okay. Only to find it is not. He was very angry that I'm not there in the evenings after work and on the weekends. I understand he is burnt out, but I am doing the best I can. Her abuse is hurtful and what he doesn't understand nor want to hear is I am physically suffering from this - chronic headaches, fatigue, inability to focus and second guessing myself. All is affecting my work and managing my daughter. How do I balance all of this without my own health suffering? And How do I move forward without causing a rift with my brother? I can give him one additional evening per week and a few hours on the weekend, but anything more than that is more than I can handle. Also, he told me he shouldn’t have to schedule me in for specific periods of time, that I should just show up and be expected to stay for as long as it takes. Yes, that’s something my mother would have said to me.

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The other option is for mom to be in a Hospice facility. That would make for a whole lot less wear and tear on you and your brother. He won't understand why you can't take anymore. Explain the situation to the Hospice Nurse and see if you can't get the load off your brother.
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Having mom in the hospice facility is an excellent idea.

I understand that you have done all you can. Big hugs to you in this very difficult time. Your brother probably will not understand that you have given all you can give. I just want to let you know that you have done more than enough.

It sounds as if brother feels that you should just give and give. Perhaps, as you mention, he is continuing to behave toward you as your mother did. This is common in abusive families. Good for you for limiting your interactions. I know it is difficult and may make you feel sad. But he doesn’t get to decide that for you.

His saying that he shouldn’t have to schedule you in for specific periods of time, that you should just show up and be expected to stay for as long as it takes is completely unfair. You know your limits and you have every right to expect to know and let others making plans know how much time you can commit to. If he wants to spend his time indefinitely, that is his choice. But telling you that you should do that is wrong. Good for you for not letting him boss you around.
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Good for you for setting boundaries! It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share and all that you are able to do and you should be proud of what you are doing. You are doing a wonderful thing for your mother at this time of her life and I know she knows it, but just doesn't know how to show you. I'll be praying for you during this difficult time, that He will guide you and comfort you and give you strength. God bless you and keep you in His arms!
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Your daughter only has one mom and if you get sick, you can't care for her or anyone else. Determine what you can contribute to your mom's care without short changing your daughter or making yourself sick. Then sit down with your brother and discuss that both you and he have a limit to how much you can do, and that it's time to look for some alternatives that involve help from others. It's ok to get to the point where you realize that family can't do it all and you have to get help. Hospice can give you referrals to parttime in home caregivers. We recently used a company like this and they were wonderful, even doing some light housework and laundry. But hold firm on your limits -
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I hired aids to be with my mom 8 hous a day...I can increase the hours when I need a break. I am now considering evening shifts as well so that I can get a full nights sleep. You have to be committed to caring for someone . if you are not it will only make things worse for you and them. Your moms behavior will only get worse if she is in pain and suffering. You will have to have thick skin. Bottom line, if your heart is not in it don't do it. Your brother may need to get help through an agency. It is a full time job.
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Thank you everyone for your comments and support. it is greatly appreciated!
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I went through at home hospice for dad. Knowing what I know now, if and when, mom will have to go to a facility hospice.
It is impossible to do at home hospice if you work. It is physically and emotionally draining. Add to that the fact that this is a fragile relationship.
If bro won't agree to facility hospice, he will have to deal with you visiting when you can.
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Ismiami is so right! Hospice is not for everybody. My SIL could never handle it, besides working, she panics easily and then goes blank and becomes useless. A friend of mine took care of her great grandmother at home with Hospice. More than once I had to put my arm around her to keep her calm. I would take her to the kitchen and chat about a totally different and happier subject. You really have to be able to go outside, breathe the fresh air and refocus.
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thanks Pam, I just now tried to explain that while I had forgiven mom for her prior misgivings its difficult to forget the abuse. and being there with her makes it difficult. he didn't want to hear about my chronic headaches, stress, anxiety. I'm in a no win situation. but yet he forgets that I took care of our father, oversaw his care during his month long stay in the hospital..took care of our mother after he passed. thanks for listening.
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My FIL cared for my MIL alone with hospice nurses checking on her weekly for 6 months. Toward the end, he agreed to have aides come in at night so he could get rest. They also did a few day shifts, which was wonderful for him as they did light meals and laundry. It helped him tremendously.
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