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She periodically will hire professionalls. My mom is finally involved with a care agency I recommended 15 years ago. She agreed subsequent to a laborious effort made by myself and her banker to show her her caretaker a "friend" was forging checks.


Her long term care insurance pays for housecleaning. My mom doesn't tell anyone (including us) about the bedbugs, but I told them so they can take precautions. Mom doesn't know I did this. My mom has never used their house cleaning service, though it is FREE. The last two years, we stay downtown when we visit, and take lots of precautions. We visit in July, and I can't always rush to clean the bathrooms when we come in. My husband has to lift the seat. It is disgusting. It is a nice house, but so dirty. Is there a nice way I can ask her to please have the cleaning service clean the toilets before we get there?

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I’ve always felt that being direct is best when communicating tough issues.

Seems like when you dance around an issue, trying to be nice - the recipient of the effort just doesn’t get it most of the time. They fail to see - whether it’s can’t or won’t - that you are talking about an issue concerning them.

Just come out with it. Think about what you’ll say ahead of time and choose your words. Direct doesn’t have to be demeaning or mean.
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I am afraid that you may have to bite the bullet and put your foot down.

Hire a bedbug specialist, usually the super heating of the entire house is the only way to get rid of them, especially when they have been allowed enough time to build cities in the house. You are going to have to do this.

Then you go get mom and a few items and head to the laundromat while her house is being treated, then off to a hotel for a nice little vacay for as long as the exterminator says to remain out of the house, get a paid cleaning service that will send a crew and clean top to bottom. This will be expensive, but it really needs to be done to protect your sister and all the people she lives with.

Can you imagine how frustrating it is for them to deal with bed bugs while caring for a house full of challenged adults. Beyond comprehension.

Let your mom buck and snort, but put your foot down and tell her it will be done, so enjoy your holiday and know that your house will be more comfortable for the process.

Then you can set down with her and schedule a regular cleaning through her insurance.

Are you completely certain that she should still be living alone? I told my mom that the state would lock her up because anyone in their right mind wouldn't live like that, so we deal with it or I call the state and they deal with it. (Not true but I had to say something that would get her out of my way so I could clean her house. You do what you have to. )
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bianca12 Jun 2019
Thanks so much for your detailed and thoughtful response.

We are going to be in N.C. in July, so will meet with some bed bug experts there. My mom has intermittently used Orkin.

I ran it by my husband as well. One issue for us, too, is my sisters group home, where the bugs originated, we think. I am a Licensed Social Worker, with many years of practice. When I was young, I was a group home administrator. As time has gone by, there are fewer and fewer group homes for the mentally ill. My sisters group home has changed hands several times. People running them are paraprofessionals and budget strapped. When I last warned them about the bugs (as they had them before) my mother went crazy and the administrator quit and gave the job to her cousin. My husbands fear is that the bugs will always travel back and forth between the two. He has some concerns (which are likely valid) that if the group home blames my mom or sister somehow for any recurrence, they will kick her out. It is a home like setting, with 6 women. My sister is the only person who rotates out to stay with family. There are few other group homes in the area (if any) and it is a long laborious process to find and be admitted to one. Plus, she is used to living there. If I were certain that the people administrating were energetic and reasonable and easy to work with I would talk with them. But I am not certain of this. So, my husband says, even if my mom spent tons more $ on the issue, my sisters moving back and forth my reintroduce them.

I have talked with my moms nurse case manager, and she says that, as long as my mom is not at imminent risk, she would let the situation stand. I think for now, I will implore my mother to have them come in an clean the bathrooms before we come, and be a little more graphic then I typically am. We will meet with some people down there.

We are sure we will never stay there again, and I know my mother knows why. The expense, and the dread are part of the package.

I really do appreciate your response, and the responses in general. I find it very helpful, and need the support....
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What reason does Mom give for "never" using the service? Maybe Mom is concerned about having a stranger in the house? Could you arrange for the service to come during the first of the week you are staying there? My own parents were reluctant to have anyone in their house even for just basic housekeeping. After actually having a real person in the house that they met and liked, they became accustomed to the house keeping services and didn't complain about it anymore.
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bianca12 Jun 2019
Thanks for responding. Her reason is "it's not dirty". She does know the people at the agency now, they do some shopping and transportation for her. I would arrange for the service to come, but it is her service and she needs to make the request - I had already explored this. There are three bathrooms. Though her former caretaker was paid to clean (this is the friend that stole from her) my moms toilet was black. When my mom was in rehab years ago, it took my husband and I hours of cleaning to get it to a light brown point.
The other 2 bathrooms have been cleaned occasionally throughout the years. I'm sure the last time was when I did it last year. She had the caretakers over to transport my sister home (she is mentally ill) and the transporter had to use the bathroom before I could get to it. After I left, my mom asked "how was the bathroom?' and I told her it was bad. I think she doesn't let people clean because 1)she doesn't want people to see how dirty it is 2) she is afraid someone will come across a bedbug.Mom doesn't know I told the service about the bedbugs, as she would not. They haven't told her they know. The bugs came from the group home my sister lives in in 2016. When I was certain about them (despite being lied to) I informed my sisters group home that my mom had them, so they could prevent exposure. Mom was furious at me for this! She refuses to co ordinate with them. My mom has some cognitive decline, but is super bright so tries to hide it elaborately. She is creative, and always obfuscated and fabricated when things didn't suit her. She lives in a 3,000 sq foot house, with lots of art, and books, and closets and drawers stuffed to the gills. These are excellent bed bug habitats. Cleaning was never really within her wheelhouse, just making things look visually artistic, so this is part of it....
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Your profile says that your mother struggles with judgment issues. If things are not adding up, house is not being cleaned, she is providing inaccurate information, etc., I'd explore if things really need more of your attention. I'd normally recommend that you stay for a few days to see how she's really handling her day to day activities, but, with the bed bugs......IDK. I have seen on tv and they are very resistant to treatment. Have you seen that extreme heat is likely the only way to get them all. All of this may be too much for her if she struggling with cognitive issues. I'd likely try to help her. She may be doing the best she is capable of,
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bianca12 Jun 2019
Thank You!
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Honestly Bianca, I would get mom's house dealt with and then when your sister is scheduled to come home implement some changes to minimize her bringing them home.

Have her bring nothing from the group home, the clothes on her back. Nice hot shower upon arriving at moms, with clothes going right into a hot wash followed by a hot dryer. She is now clean and not introducing more bugs. She has clothes and shoes that stay at moms and only at moms.

The problem with letting it go, these things replicate like crazy, now every place your mom goes, everyone that enters the house has a real potential of taking them out of there and causing them to spread. You and husband going to visit means you could be introducing them to the hotel where you stay. It just gets bigger, this isn't a situation that goes away because you don't look.

I understand that it is a daunting task, but you have to think about others. Even your mom will start to be comprised because they get so bad. Pleased don't let this go.
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Thanks for your response.
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