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I am a 29 year old who is married, my mother is sick and has no one to care for her because my 2 older sisters live out of town. She is now living with us and I do not have a social life or a couple life with my husband. I dont know what to do. I feel angry at my sisters for not helping me out and find this unfair. How can I cope with this crazy situation?

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Devil's advocate and please don't read this as criticism - are your sisters able to move closer to give you a hand? Are they working, in school, or married so that they cannot relocate easily? If they have asked your mother to move in with them, and she chose to stay with you, your request to have them uproot their lives to come aid you may not seem fair to them. Short term, see if you can get your mother evaluated for the depression/anxiety and perhaps some therapy or medication will get you some relief while you look into respite care. Helen
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I feel your pain! I am 30, and prior to being married, my husband lived with his parents to take care of them (one with dementia, and one with MS). We now have our own place, but he still takes all of the responsibility. We have tried to push for his brother to help, but he and his wife are wrapped up in their own lives. You can ask your sisters for help, and explain to them how important it is to have time to yourself and with your husband. But ultimately, you can't make them help. I pretend that my husband is an only child, and I thank God that I have a man who steps up to responsibility. You are a good person, and you are someone who steps up and does what needs to be done. That's an amazing quality. Can your parents afford for someone to come in a few hours a day or week? You have to have a break or you'll resent them. How far away do your sisters live?
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Honestly, I think there comes a time when the roles reverse, and you have to tell your mother what is best for her. You love her and want to take care of her, but you also need to be able to take actions that will allow you to have your own life. You might want to discuss a plan to share time with her with your sisters - maybe live 6 months with one and 6 months with another. You also need to explain to her that you have to get out. Tell her ahead of time when you are going somewhere, and remind her, so that she has time to prepare. Maybe something like, "Remember that I'm going to dinner tonight with friends. I'll be back at 9, and you'll be fine here until I get back." And then, unless she truly is unable to stay alone, stick to your plans. Also, if she is living with you now, you might want to look into help that can come into your house so that you can get out each day.
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I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. My older sister chose to have a family, so my mother was the caretaker and cleaned my sisters house to earn her keep. I chose to not have children so I wouldn't be a burden on anyone if times got tough. Now my older sister complains that she doesn't get any help from me. Well, times are tough and I let her know that I have offered to help how I could, with monthly payouts. I live five hours away and work full-time, and have a side business on the weekends to help earn additional money. I had a stroke and was advised to avoid high stress, also, I have sun / heat allergies where my throat swells up and my skin breaks out into rashes and I get a fever...so I cannot tolerate heat, so I live in a cooler climate. So, here we are. My sister and parents live in palm desert where it is easily over 100 degrees. I cannot relocate to help them there. At one point I offered to have my mom live with me but she did not want to live with me, probably because I am not well off like my older sister who is a shopoholic. So, if I were you, you should re-assess why you were the one who ended up caring for your mom, was it your choice to begin with? And, could you afford to help your siblings move closer to you? If your siblings are offering to have your mom live with them....to hell with her choice....she needs to move in with whomever is offering to care for her done, period, the end. You need to care now for your sanity....she shouldn't be picky about where she lives....besides, it would be good for her to have a different environment to live in. Once I purchase my home, I am inviting my mom to live with me...although she hates me and won't accept, but at least I offered and hopefully my older sister won't be such a b** about it all.
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Thank you for your kind words...my mom has someone helping her a couple of hours a day where she lives. She is now living with us and that is an hour away from her home. Basically, I am the caretaker now. My sisters live 8 hrs away from me. I have asked them for help a million times and nothing seems to matter. They will come see her once every 4-5 months. They have asked my mother to move with them but she wont. I have asked my sisters to move closer where they can actually give me a hand with her but they wont. My mom suffers from depression/anxiety, so the moment I want to step out she is calling me. I cant seem to go or do anything. My life is on hold right now and I can't take it. I just want help!.
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Helen- my mother wont seek therapy or any of that. I have tried to get her help and she wont accept it.. Also, I had to relocate to attend to her. It's not just my responsibility. I have a life too, we all need to make sacrifices.
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Thank you for your thoughts. I sincerely appreciate them.
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I lost my "old life" 7 yrs ago now (or is it 8 ..hmm). I know just how you feel. The biggest thing that upsets me is that my sister (two hours away) knows what's going on & chooses not to at least defend me to my mother when she DOES talk to her which is infrequently and quite surprising since she was mother's favorite.
Do you have any close friends that could maybe sit with your mom for an evening to watch a movie or something ? I have a dear friend from childhood who has graciously stepped in to run little errands or take mother to minor appts such as hair & manicures. She was always a very vain person, and at 86 she still is !! I've NEVER had a manicure, but mother was ready to call some elder abuse hotline because of it haha. I laugh on the outside but cry on the inside because it's such a hard situation. So if you have any friends you could ask, please do. It really helps. :)
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I find this website like therapy. Its good to know that I am not the only one dealing with a situtation like this. I actually do have a friend who will help me out once in a while. I absolutely adore her for stepping in when she can. I am happy to hear that your mom likes to take care of herself! I love that. My situation is very, very different. My mom is a very negative person. She doesnt find happiness in anything. At times I feel like she hates me. I feel like she would much rather be with my older sister, who is her favorite but she lives too far away to go. My mother is scared of life. Scared of everything. She wont take medicines the way she's supposed to, wont follow doctor's instructions. All of this is based on fear. My situation with her is so frustrating. I am trying to find the positive side to this though, I am thankful that she's alive.
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Iam a single male 59 and not married.I had my own place but my mother became ill and needed someone to take care of her,so I moved in her house,I have 2 sisters,one just moved to fl.and the other one lives just 3 miles away.My mother went and change her will giving me her house so now both sisters are mad and will have nothing to do with my mom are me.My mother has money in the bank under a payable unpon death with the 3 of us on it.Iam asking all of you who read this should my mother change the payable on death account and take them off of that.
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