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She often denies being wet and never notices the smell. Not sure if/when she doesn't feel being wet vs. avoiding using a new diaper because to her it is wasting money.
Could have written this, myself. Had the same problem with my aunt. Agree with others that this isn't early stage dementia. My aunt wouldn't let me change her often. She would try herself, but not quite. Once while I was visiting her from out of state, I came in to her house, (she lives alone) and she was sitting in her chair in the bedroom passed out sleeping with her depends down to her ankles. She tried, but I guess wore herself out? She has a caregiver who comes in to help her and I want her to go in to a facility where she belongs, because she doesn't listen to family. She didn't listen to me and balked at hiring a caregiver or going into a facility. She wouldn't even let me assist her with bathing or changing her. I guess no advice here, except to say that I know what you're going through.
This is no longer early dementia . We had the same problem with my mother and FIL . They resisted all attempts because they could not feel the wetness , until it leaked ( and later not even then ). I also think part of it was it became too difficult to do themselves and did not want help . Later , my FIL totally did not acknowledge he was incontinent at all . I found that moderate dementia with extreme stubbornness requires NON family caregivers in assisted living . My mother’s doctor said , “ Mom won’t listen to you because she sees you as a child . Often a time comes when homecare does not work any longer “.
There is little you can do about any of this in the case of advanced dementia. At some point it is well to have placement simply because one on one care 24/7 isn't sustainable. If Aunt isn't in a care facility I think it's time to consider that she may require now a few shifts with a few people each to provide her care. I wish you good luck.
Tell her a story about all women use a panty liner anymore. She may be reluctant to go through the process of taking off a pull-up because it doesn't "look" soiled. I used to put a topper into my mom's pull-up. If you are able to get her into the bathroom and allow you in at the same time, it's a quick pull off of the urine soaked topper pad.
When you say diaper... are you referring to the ones with tabs or the ones that are like pull-ups? Either way, it is more respectful to use another term she would be comfortable hearing (just as you and I would). Briefs is a common term used for both kinds of "diapers" or simply calling it her underwear or panties or another term she probably grew up hearing. Using a different term also makes it a bit less embarrassing.
Either way, they are made so well now it does not always feel wet and a person with dementia is not always aware they have done anything.
As others have suggested, every two hour encouragement to go to the bathroom is always advisable.
Sounds like she needs assistance maybe speak to her doctor about getting a care person in my father now lives with us and we have care people coming in during the day to wash and change him. dementia and even old age can make people think they don’t need to wash in general sounds like she needs some one around to help her My dad went through a stage of saying he was clean n not wanting to wash. My sister got firm with him and said you do need a wash and wash times are at xx and made it a routine after it became a routine with objections he would admit he feels fresh and we’d compliment him saying his clean n smart he was and offer a treat- let’s do this and when we finish we have a nice cup of tea and biscuit It wasn’t overnight and it wasn’t without frustration but we did it good luck
Does she go to the bathroom at all on her own? You mention being wet but does she still go when she needs to poop? If so, I always left a change near the commode where it was accessible during this stage. Find a spot within her reach to tuck a clean pull-up. You’ll soon know if this will work at all. I did this for DH aunt and it worked for awhile. Try not asking her if she is wet, just make an excuse for her to get up and start to walk then you can more easily guide her to the bathroom. Sort of a “once begun, half done” idea. Come see this mom, you might say or I wish you could see this! Going to change is not fun, so don’t mention that. Sit her on the commode and if she can change her own, let her. While she is on the commode, give her water to drink. After she changes and washes her hands give her a little lotion or lipstick or brush her hair or a fresh spritz of lavender or favorite scent, perhaps another drink of water and then let’s go see what’s cooking or some little travel idea. I used to sing Chattanooga Choo Choo for DH aunt and she loved it. I had a firm boundary but didn’t mind handing wipes and giving prompts and suggesting maybe another wipe or two is needed. So we did okay while she could handle those steps.
Many elders are used to needing a pad long before they start with pull ups for a leaky bladder. I know my mom would be dry while sitting but if she didn’t go on a regular basis, like every hour, she would stand and her bladder would empty. She knew if she went every hour or so, her pull-up would last until night time. But with dementia, so hard for them to remember. My mom would drink her water while going to the bathroom and coming back. She had numb finger tips so she had her glasses of water lined up on her kitchen counter with a straw and would stop on the way.
i mentioned the water because you said she didn’t notice the odor. The odor is much less when she is properly hydrated plus her skin will be beautiful.
She is no longer in early dementia. If she lives alone, she is no longer safe. Who is her POA? If no one is, then contact APS to start a record that she lives in an unhygienic situation.
If it is truly leaking, perhaps they are the wrong size? Sometimes one size smaller can make a huge difference with leaks.
If the leaks are because she is a heavy wetter, for example overnight, there are companies that sell “booster pads” that go inside the diaper.
finally, if the issue is truly cost, look into your local PCA for assistance getting low cost or free Incontinance supplies through state assistance programs.
if all else fails, definitely call them underwear and just tell her it’s time to change, even if you set an alarm for every 4-6 hours.
You can’t talk sense into someone whose brain is dying. take her hand and say, “come on, love. It’s time for a fresh pair of underwear” (don’t call it a diaper)
It sounds like it's well past time that someone else now step up to change your aunts diaper every few hours as with her broken brain she can no longer be responsible to do this herself. And you don't ask, you just tell her that it's time to get cleaned up now, and take things from there.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My aunt wouldn't let me change her often. She would try herself, but not quite.
Once while I was visiting her from out of state, I came in to her house, (she lives alone) and she was sitting in her chair in the bedroom passed out sleeping with her depends down to her ankles. She tried, but I guess wore herself out?
She has a caregiver who comes in to help her and I want her to go in to a facility where she belongs, because she doesn't listen to family. She didn't listen to me and balked at hiring a caregiver or going into a facility. She wouldn't even let me assist her with bathing or changing her.
I guess no advice here, except to say that I know what you're going through.
Either way, they are made so well now it does not always feel wet and a person with dementia is not always aware they have done anything.
As others have suggested, every two hour encouragement to go to the bathroom is always advisable.
maybe speak to her doctor about getting a care person in
my father now lives with us and we have care people coming in during the day to wash and change him.
dementia and even old age can make people think they don’t need to wash in general
sounds like she needs some one around to help her
My dad went through a stage of saying he was clean n not wanting to wash. My sister got firm with him and said you do need a wash and wash times are at xx and made it a routine
after it became a routine with objections he would admit he feels fresh and we’d compliment him saying his clean n smart he was and offer a treat- let’s do this and when we finish we have a nice cup of tea and biscuit
It wasn’t overnight and it wasn’t without frustration but we did it
good luck
I had a firm boundary but didn’t mind handing wipes and giving prompts and suggesting maybe another wipe or two is needed. So we did okay while she could handle those steps.
Many elders are used to needing a pad long before they start with pull ups for a leaky bladder. I know my mom would be dry while sitting but if she didn’t go on a regular basis, like every hour, she would stand and her bladder would empty. She knew if she went every hour or so, her pull-up would last until night time. But with dementia, so hard for them to remember. My mom would drink her water while going to the bathroom and coming back. She had numb finger tips so she had her glasses of water lined up on her kitchen counter with a straw and would stop on the way.
i mentioned the water because you said she didn’t notice the odor. The odor is much less when she is properly hydrated plus her skin will be beautiful.
If the leaks are because she is a heavy wetter, for example overnight, there are companies that sell “booster pads” that go inside the diaper.
finally, if the issue is truly cost, look into your local PCA for assistance getting low cost or free Incontinance supplies through state assistance programs.
if all else fails, definitely call them underwear and just tell her it’s time to change, even if you set an alarm for every 4-6 hours.
And you don't ask, you just tell her that it's time to get cleaned up now, and take things from there.