I found this group extremely supportive while learning and supporting my friend who was taking care of her 90 yr. old mother. I appreciate all of you enormously.
Now, my friend's mom has passed at age 94. My friend is struggling with grief. She frequently berates herself for not taking care of her mom perfectly, for getting impatient sometimes, for getting overwhelmed and angry sometimes. I remind her what an amazing job she did under impossible circumstances. She was loving and patient and gave her mom 4 years of great care.
So.. I thought to ask this group - do you know of any on-line grief support groups that would be useful? I told my friend I would look for some that might be helpful to her. And with the Covid19 issue, the only way she can do this is on-line.
thank you in advance.

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Was your friends mom in Hospice? Most hospice providers have specific grief therapy and most are doing these visits by telemed right now.

Many funeral home run their own grief support groups.
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Churches usually have some kind of group. If Mom was on Hospice they provide grief counselling too.

I was impatient too. Very hard dealing with someone with Dementia who can't understand what you are trying to do for them. You need to be on your toes 24/7 like with a toddler. They are so unpredictable. I just hoped she would forget and I moved on. Guilt, maybe a little. But I did my best and found it was stressing me out. Senior caring for a Senior. My brothers told me how much they appreciated what I did and never criticized. But, they never did anything. All up to me.

Friend needs to be aware she did her best. Even a child you lose patience with. Only a saint can deal with 24/7/365days caring for someonecand not getting impatient.
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Guilt is the single biggest road block we see on the forum in my humble opinion. We all somehow believe that Sainthood is conferred on us when we have children, when we take care of family. That we have to be perfect. Her mother lived to 94 and was in her care, not alone. I bet there were times throughout life when neither ONE of them was perfect as a mother, as a child.
Saints are all well and good, but in life they get killed in some gruesome way (usually shot full of arrows or some such); then are prayed to by the rest of us to make everything perfect in their lives.
Life just isn't about perfection. It is about doing the best we can.
When guilt is a factor I think just a grief group or forum may not be enough. It takes someone trained in life changes and patterns to get us to change the circular stir of emotions and beating up, and letting the pure grief in. A licensed Social Worker often works for this. A psychologist trained in cognitive behavior change is good, as well.
Guilt is reserved for those who intentionally hurt people. Not for those attempting to do good, and running right up against out human limitations. Often we use this repeated litany of our shortcomings because we were raised to think we always came up a bit short; we need to hear the constant feed from others of how good we were, how good we did. That is good for a while. But when the self-flagellation becomes extreme and habitually it is time for professional help, and getting on with the very hard work of making a new life going forward.
I feel so bad for your good friend. Only the decent and good in our society feel guilt at all. It is tragic to see sacrifice and care come to pain for the caregiver. I hope she will seek help. If not, a group that meets together is better than a forum.
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