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My sister & I are sharing care of our mother. Sister can drive 700 miles, while I have to fly 2500 miles & rent a car (approx $1200 each time). We switch off monthly. I'm angry about the cost comparison - I stay longer (10 days) WITH mom, she stays with friends and stays 7 days max. She considers it an 'obligation' (SO much is being said about THAT right now...). Don't get me wrong, mom isn't all that pleasant to deal with - yet, she's still somewhat cognizant but sleeps a LOT because her Dr put her on Lexapro (for the second time, due to depression). I read the featured article about a bucket list, but mom has no ideas - except to go visit her sister. Mom is in a nice senior living facility, with assistance with meds - however refuses to join any activity (even after being there for just over a year). I'm getting ready to go there again in less than 2 weeks, and I'm going to be upset if I only watch her sleep - her friend is the TV. She also has macular, is going blind, but is mainly free of pain at 90. I'm not sure what to do about the activities & the Lexapro - I'm good at raising hell, as I think every person deserves to live with dignity, however I also need a good stance. She IS depressed. Really, I could go on and on. I do want to say that she is difficult, however she did give me some skills to be a strong woman, and I'm so appreciative of that - no matter how unloving she's always been. Advice please.

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Don't be angry at your sister. Everyone has their own reasons for giving or not giving.. You hinted your mother has the capacity to be difficult - and if she has been less than a supportive parent - this is the time, that alot of ill feelings from the past may come to the surface - because when a child is expected to care or visit an aging parent they are reminded of how they were treated by their parents as a child! Noone can force anyone to care or visit another human being. It is a choice. Also as the earlier poster Barb pointed out, your mother is already in a supported environment, and doesn't really need the additional support that you are putting in. This makes me wonder, are you over-caring and enmeshed I wonder? Are you feeling you need to control things? Raising hell?? Why would you need to do that? Maybe you need to take a step back?
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
She's depressed and lonely. I am capable of raising hell, however I don't (yet). It's almost time to move her to memory care, and I'm feeling guilt. She's not happy, has few visitors, has not made friends after a year there, hates that we moved her out of her home, and took away the car, etc. If I take a 'step back', who in the hell will CARE about her ?
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If mom is in a senior living facility and getting care, why do you need to visit so often?

How about calls, cards? Are you sure it's the Lexapro that is causing her to sleep so much?
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
Because I don't want to die with guilt, I guess. I call her 3 times a day, to help keep her on track, and send cards. She's lonely and I feel like she deserves some dignity.
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I cross-posted with others and saw your answers on why she is in a facility so far away.

I don't understand why you feel guilty. You are doing A LOT to try and make her situation as nice as possible. Really, you sound like you really care for your mother and you are bending over backward to help her.

When you do have to move her to memory care, can you move her to a place in your own town? She might not like it, but obviously, you could be involved so much more easily.
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
When my sister & I got conservatorship, the court visitor gave me advice. She said "Move her while she is cognizant, otherwise she'll be combative. I know by my own experience." Argh. It would be easier here for me, however the plane ride is about 8 hours, with one plane change. Getting her stuff here is a full week of driving. I know that she also needs consitancy (her stuff).
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In your f/u message to me I think you said she is 90? I wonder are you over managing the situation because you are wanting to be a good daughter - and would it be better to go with the flow a little more?... but I sense that's not your style? Life will do as it wants without intervention - it knows what to do beautifully in most cases without too much fuss. Yes we have physical needs and at times careful medical evaluation/assessment needs to take place about what might need to be added to a situation, but in most cases, not much needs to be added espcially when supports are already in place. What's called for is calm and letting things be! Some times things from our own lense may look like depression or giving up.. but often it is just the normal changes that happen when the aging person transitions to the end of their lives.
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
I just want to do what's 'right' (I might be off-base). The thing is, her quality of life sucks. She sleeps & watches TV. I hope this same thing doesn't happen to me - karma, you know ?
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Sorry I haven't worked out how to answer responses - so I'm just responding again to your response. It's a difficult balance, but over-servicing is just as bad as under-servicing. Over servicing can often cause additional stress to your mother completely unintended. Why don't you consult with a GP or the facility manager to ask them what she needs rather than just think that you need to add more and more and more to her life .... you really run the risk of over-servicing and stressing your mother out at worst, and at best, completely missing the mark about her needs. You could also ask her, Mom, is there anything else we haven't thought of that you need? Often we mistake OUR needs for our parents. Watching TV and sleeping all day might be exactly what she needs.
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I have a dumb question. Why is she so far from both of you?
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
She refused to move to where I am, because of great-grandkids living in the area - who visit rarely.
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I was surprised when I got to the part of your initial post that said your mom is in a nice senior living facility. So you and your sister are switching off months to travel to your mom's location and... try to convince her to get involved in activities? ... see that she is cared for properly?

I admire you for looking for the positive things your mother has done in your life, and I think it's great that you want to be her advocate, but I wonder what you are trying to accomplish with the visits. If your mother doesn't wish to get involved, she probably won't. If she is going blind, and perhaps doesn't hear as well as she used to, and is depressed, and is 90 years old, she may not want to do much. It is sad, but I don't it's that unusual. Dozing and watching tv doesn't require a lot of energy.

By the way, driving 700 miles(!) every other month is no picnic. Your sister may be handling her visits differently than you would like, and she may call these frequent long-distance visits to your mother an obligation, but at least she isn't AWOL. You could spend less time with your mom when you are in town, or simply travel out there less often.

(Why is your mom living so far away from both of you? Would it make a difference to her -- your mom -- if she lived in a facility in your hometown -- or your sister's? Would it make life easier for you?)
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
My sister's house is under construction - she can't have her. Mom's grand kids & great grand kids live there, but rarely visit. It was her choice while she was more cognizant.
I agree that at least my sister isn't AWOL - she says 'I have a different approach than you'. She spends time making sure she is entertained - like inviting people to dinner and using mom's credit card to pay for it. I spend time with mom, trying to help her navigate her new, low-vision world. We are just not on the same page - HOWEVER, she isn't AWOL !
Sense some anger there ?
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Alpha, I think what you're trying to do is admirable, but you're wearing yourself out.

Your mom, presumably when she was of sound mind, made a choice. I think you and sister should both cut yourself some slack.
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
Well, this was the nicest thing I could hear right about now, so thank you.
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Okay, so Sis is arranging dinners, inviting people and mom is paying. Presumably these are mom's friends/relatives?

Is the level of care your mom is getting adequate for her needs? Or will she be needing to move to Memory Care or a Nursing facility?

If care is at the level of her needs, staff should be helping her adjust to her low vision. Is she getting Occupational Therapy?

I'd spend my time and energy arranging and less time and money visiting.
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anonymous655109 Sep 2019
Thank you for that advice. I'm going there on the 17th, and have plans to add services.
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