My sister & I are sharing care of our mother. Sister can drive 700 miles, while I have to fly 2500 miles & rent a car (approx $1200 each time). We switch off monthly. I'm angry about the cost comparison - I stay longer (10 days) WITH mom, she stays with friends and stays 7 days max. She considers it an 'obligation' (SO much is being said about THAT right now...). Don't get me wrong, mom isn't all that pleasant to deal with - yet, she's still somewhat cognizant but sleeps a LOT because her Dr put her on Lexapro (for the second time, due to depression). I read the featured article about a bucket list, but mom has no ideas - except to go visit her sister. Mom is in a nice senior living facility, with assistance with meds - however refuses to join any activity (even after being there for just over a year). I'm getting ready to go there again in less than 2 weeks, and I'm going to be upset if I only watch her sleep - her friend is the TV. She also has macular, is going blind, but is mainly free of pain at 90. I'm not sure what to do about the activities & the Lexapro - I'm good at raising hell, as I think every person deserves to live with dignity, however I also need a good stance. She IS depressed. Really, I could go on and on. I do want to say that she is difficult, however she did give me some skills to be a strong woman, and I'm so appreciative of that - no matter how unloving she's always been. Advice please.
Is the level of care your mom is getting adequate for her needs? Or will she be needing to move to Memory Care or a Nursing facility?
If care is at the level of her needs, staff should be helping her adjust to her low vision. Is she getting Occupational Therapy?
I'd spend my time and energy arranging and less time and money visiting.
I don't understand why you feel guilty. You are doing A LOT to try and make her situation as nice as possible. Really, you sound like you really care for your mother and you are bending over backward to help her.
When you do have to move her to memory care, can you move her to a place in your own town? She might not like it, but obviously, you could be involved so much more easily.
Your mom, presumably when she was of sound mind, made a choice. I think you and sister should both cut yourself some slack.
I admire you for looking for the positive things your mother has done in your life, and I think it's great that you want to be her advocate, but I wonder what you are trying to accomplish with the visits. If your mother doesn't wish to get involved, she probably won't. If she is going blind, and perhaps doesn't hear as well as she used to, and is depressed, and is 90 years old, she may not want to do much. It is sad, but I don't it's that unusual. Dozing and watching tv doesn't require a lot of energy.
By the way, driving 700 miles(!) every other month is no picnic. Your sister may be handling her visits differently than you would like, and she may call these frequent long-distance visits to your mother an obligation, but at least she isn't AWOL. You could spend less time with your mom when you are in town, or simply travel out there less often.
(Why is your mom living so far away from both of you? Would it make a difference to her -- your mom -- if she lived in a facility in your hometown -- or your sister's? Would it make life easier for you?)
I agree that at least my sister isn't AWOL - she says 'I have a different approach than you'. She spends time making sure she is entertained - like inviting people to dinner and using mom's credit card to pay for it. I spend time with mom, trying to help her navigate her new, low-vision world. We are just not on the same page - HOWEVER, she isn't AWOL !
Sense some anger there ?
How about calls, cards? Are you sure it's the Lexapro that is causing her to sleep so much?