How to live with your doing and overcome the guilt?

Follow
Share

What would you do in my shoes? I have a Hateful, Dementia 88 yr old Aunt that knowone likes and what nothing to do with her. My Aunt was always the wealthy/Rich type with her nose up in the air. Yrs ago the Aunt and her husband decided to never have children. Her husband died and now she's alone. The result of not having children is why she's loney and alone today. Yrs ago there was family members helping this Aunt. I learned later that those family members drained her money and left her out to dry. None of her family wants anything to do with her now because,they now know they all drained her dry "She's about broke".
My cousin was her POA for yrs. My cousin died of cancer left the Aunt without a POA. This Aunt contacted me begging, crying for help. So, here I am today helping her. I took on this job as her caregiver and POA without thinking first. The only reason I became her POA & Caregiver is because, her attorney told me she needs a POA and no other family member was willing to help her. That's alot of information to place on my shoulders. How do I say no to a person in need? And how can someone not help someone in need? I had no choice but,to help her. I felt sorry for her,she's 88 yrs old and needs help. So, I agreed!
I learned her darkside. She is very hateful to me. Why?I have not a clue!
Everything I do for her I receive no thank yous. I want to stop helping her.
How do I do this? If I attempt to stop helping her I feel I'm throwing her to the dogs. If I don't help her knowone else will. How can you live with your self knowing this? Not easy for me.

People tell me to stop helping her and let the state take over. If I do that she will just point the finger at me, if why the state took over. Darn if I do or don't.
She's a very hateful person and it's not all from the Dementia. She refuses to spend a dime to help her self to stay living her her home alone. And I don't have the money to help her. She has the money but,refuses to spend it.
I'm tired of spending my own money to help her. She has more money then I do.
I'm in her Will when she dies. I get it all when she dies is part of the reason why I help her truth be told. But, she used her Will as a hook to get me to help her. Greed you say?Maybe for me ya maybe a little. Who wouldn't!
The things people will do for money!..And how old people use their Wills to obtain free help from family or friends. I careless about the Will anymore. She don't give me a dime to help her and I'm done. I want out.But,how to over come the guilt? Has anyone ever agreed to help a elderly out of greed of a Will? I did and I now regret getting involved. She may out live me. Isn't worth it.
What would you do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
15

Answers

Show:
I'm not sure why, but somehow I am reminded of a story in a lecture I once attended by a psychologist.

Client came and said he was eaten up with guilt. He was having an affair. He wanted to counselor to help him not feel guilty. The counselor asked him how an affair fit in with his moral and/or religious beliefs. Client said, "Oh, I believe in marriage vows. I know that affairs are wrong." Well, then, the way to get rid of the guilt is simple. Stop the affair. "Oh, I could never do that. I love her. She completes my life. I would totally miserable without her." OK, the therapist suggested, I suppose you will have to get a divorce so you are no longer a married man, and can pursue the extra relationship openly. "But my wife is a great cook, and manages my household so well. She has never done anything to deserve being divorced, and besides it would cost me so much money I wouldn't be able to continue doing the fun things I do with my sweetie."

The therapists point in this talk was that all guilt is not bad. If you do something against your own genuine beliefs, maybe you deserve to feel guilty until you are so uncomfortable you decide to do the right thing, whatever that might be.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

dogabone: If you are the Power of Attorney and she has Dementia/ALZ, why are you spending YOUR MONEY? Have you read the Power of Attorney? Did it give you the right to IMMEDIATELY take over upon her signing?

You should not be spending one dime of your own money on anything for her, NOTHING!!! You were suppose to take over her accounts and all of her financial affairs weren't you, or perhaps you have POA over her medical care only?

You need to haul out your receipts and demand that you be reimbursed for every cent you have every spent on this woman. Dogabone, she is using you or you are allowing yourself to be used. This is crazy, this is a woman that none of you ever liked, she has been mean and hateful and she still is and will only get worse due to the illness. There are times right now that I cannot stand my own mother who was always my best friend and as her disease gets worse, I want out of caring for her. This is a family member whom I have loved, how can you sit there and take this abuse? It is not worth it!

I understand the lure of the money from the aunt when she dies, but as you said, what you are going through with her may kill YOU before it kills HER!

Guilt is awful to deal with.... that nagging voice in the back of your head. Sometimes we feel like God is going to judge us for giving up or walking away but if you can be strong enough, you need to realize that you do not need to put yourself through this. If she gets ill enough, she may have to go into a nursing home and that will wind up taking all of the inheritance money you were suppose to get anyway, so you would still find yourself after going through hell with her for all this time, sitting there WITHOUT A DIME!

Call her attorney and tell him that you can no longer serve as her POA. You cannot handle the stress and she is unwilling to let you make the decisions for her that need to be made so therefore, you feel that for the best of all concerned, you will be giving up your POA and he can handle her and her affairs in any way he sees fit.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON, YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE! YOU ARE TRYING TO PRESERVE YOUR LIFE AND SANITY AND YOU NEED TO BE REPAID.

There is no one who can understand what you are going through better than other care givers that have walked in your shoes, or are currently walking in your shoes.

If you do it now, you will be better off and a great burden will be lifted off your shoulders!

Good Luck and God Bless You!!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You crack me up, Captain. You have good comments too.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

her husband has a bad ticker. im patient too..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

and. i been wanting to bone the former customer / hairdresser for years. im evil but im honest..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

i inherited a few thousand bucks. i sometimes looked forward to it and in fact earned it but as my aunts present case shows, idda been there either way.. no simple answer to something so multi faceted. id jump in there , do a good job and boldly accept compensation when its over. caregiving is a growing need in the usa and family can probably best fill it. my biggest achievements come from carefully listening to the care recipient. edna sure wished she could get her hair cut yesterday. bam.. shampoo and haircut 3 hrs later. its a pretty fun gig sometimes and i love shattering gender and appearance stereotypes. he he
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

i just stated last night on here that everything doesnt have a simple one word answer. ( to that effect ) . this was probably not worded in a thorough manner. dog might be acting out of part love, part obligation, part necessity, etc. dont beat yourself up dog , just reevaluate where your at and the solution for moving forward. even if youve made bad calls, learn from them and correct your mindset. we all make bad calls. whether youll be honest with yourself and repair becomes the big issue imo.. you might decide to do this caregiving out of necessity and if you do you will have rightfully earned compensation. dont gamble. get a caregiver contract drawn up and let the lady pay you what your worth. i dont know s**t. im just trying to be helpful..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dogabone you've posed this same question many times before and the last time, I wondered if money was involved. I think that's at the root of your dilemma and why you keep asking the same question over and over. You're trying to figure out how you can stay in the will but quit being your aunt's POA. And you're feeling like you're between a rock and a hard place. Now I understand.

I won't be very judgmental about it but I agree with Captain and Emjo. Do the right thing for your aunt and let the state take over her care. If it takes you out of the will, so be it. You will have done the right thing for your aunt. And your spirit.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

agreed about the inheritance, cap. I forgot to address the reason for going into this.
Dogabone - you went into this for the wrong reasons. Would you do it if there was no inheritance at the end? Can you get out of it for the right reasons and in the right way helping her get the care she needs, at her expense? Her lawyer may be able to help you with this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

i hope you just worded that poorly, dogabone. im not at all a hateful or judgemental person but if inheritance motivated you to step up to begin with, that isnt a real self respecting thing to do and you might just be getting a good life lesson.
im sticking with my aunt as long as is possible or practical and she doesnt have money. i dont want her shack. i have a shack. love ? obligation ? a little of each but the main motivation is being true to myself and the reward will be within myself.
everyone doesnt have the time and work flexibility that i have so im not judging what other people have to do.
if i were doing it for inheritance everyone would see thru me and id incur and deserve their contempt.
harsh words. sorry, but im trying to help you solve a guilt dilema thats troubling you.
how about approaching it as a personal challenge and conducting yourself like a professional carer might ? your actions more resemble gambling at present.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.