Do you live with your aging parent and have a home health attendant? Advice needed.

Too much started another topic about this situation which can be found here: https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/reached-my-breaking-point-and-left-164223.htm She left but is back in the situation.

Bookluvr, well if there is one thing I have done is DOCUMENT. I have a paper trail miles long. Im sure they are tired of my emails.

Yeah, I used to email my siblings on updates on mom. I guess they too got tired of my "complaining" how hard it is, how tiring it is, how father was being mean to me, etc.... So when mom ended up in the hospital, and I emailed the news... no one called. Days later, my BIL found out and actually lectured me. Told me to call. Sniff! They don't call, they don't respond to my email, but now when it's serious - I'm to call? Instead, I now text them. Know what you mean! =)

Bookluvr, when I got so fed up two weeks ago and left, my siblings rang my phone so quickly telling me to GO BACK !! Most of the time only one of my siblings will respond to my emails. In fact my oldest sibling didnt even bother to check on our father knowing that I wasnt there for a couple of days. Even though the HHAs were there I still would have checked on him. Part of me wishes the HHAs hadnt stayed with my father so that he could see what its like to go back to living by himself.

Im convinced that this woman lives to start trouble. Things have been better with my Dad but she is continuing to try to antagonize me. For instance she prepared food for herself and left it. So I asssumed it was food my father hadnt eaten so I added the next days left overs to the container. As it turns out it belonged to her. So I offered to replace it, but she still wanted to make an issue out of it later. I ignored her. Im really not up for daily battles.

If you continue to live there, you accept the conditions.

TooMuch .. if it were me, I'd tell her, simply: "If it's not labeled as yours, since this is mine and my dad's house, I'll assume it's ours. End of story."

Can you give more details on who hires her? Because I'm not sure why you are having a hard time deciding if it is someone with full authority. If she is already having an attitude, it's time to do something. Don't wait till she gets into your nerves.

You also mentioned that she is spending too much and doesn't ask for your approval right? Who provides the money she spends, is it you or your siblings? Because the cost of hiring HHA is already a challenge, so you don't allow her to be a burden by buying too many things without your or your siblings approval. And don't allow her to dictate what you need to do, like saying she isn't going to cook and commands you to cook...remember, she was hired as HHA and she is supposed to be doing that. I can imagine the tone of her voice while telling you to cook doesn't seem to be right, it's actually a command, not a request.

You got to do something before she controls everything...there are lots of agencies that offer HHA services, that conduct background and personality check so if you feel the need to get a new HHA, then you got to start talking to your dad, and who knows, it may be easier to convince him to get a new aide to provide long term care services for him :)

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Its a blessing to be able to put into words what goes on every day and have such honest caring, feedback. Im not a complete wimp. There are many different dynamics going on and it is a unique situation. @ Karen, she takes my father grocery shopping. He pays for the groceries but I feel too much is purchased that goes to waste even though he buys enough for all of us in the household. When Ive mentioned that the response is: WELL IM NOT GOING TO DO THE SHOPPING ANYMORE "

@Ladee, what you said makes perfect sense. Here is the response I would get: "I COOKED IT FOR MYSELF !!! I PUT IT AWAY FOR ME ...YOU KNOW YOU DIDNT COOK IT SO NO ONE SHOULD TOUCH IT !!"
When approached with a problem the response is never: "Sorry. I wont do that again." The response is yelling, defensiveness and threats of quitting

@ Too .. and mine, right back would have been, "You can stop yelling, I'm not hard of hearing. Next time take it home, or we'll eat it, you've been warned." And walk away. Brook no argument. Seriously, it's time to take control. She's winning (and whining). Fine, if she's not going shopping, she won't get paid. Dad loves her, but she IS replaceable. Please don't take offense, but .. you need to 'grow some' iron ovaries, m'dear. Or .. you could always move out, and let the POA take all the responsibility. Choices .. they're all yours.

Great advice Ladee. and I had to check to see which Ladee I was talking to. lol.

hehehe .. that happens a lot

Is there an inbox feature on this site, meaning the ability to send private messages as opposed to an entire group ?

the closest thing are our 'walls' .. "give a hug" will get you there. As will clicking on a profile name. It's still public, but not to a group post.

Thanks LadeeC.