Do you live with your aging parent and have a home health attendant? Advice needed.

Does your father like this HHA? If so, try to work out a better understanding with her. Otherwise I'd get a new person and spell out the requirements from the beginning. How many hours is she being paid for? Make it clear that you run the show during those hours. You provide a note with the activities for the day each morning; she asks you if she would like a change in plans. One of her jobs is keeping the volume down in the house.

I too worked from home while caregiving my husband. Our aide was fabulous. She got him up, helped him bathe, got him dressed, teeth clean and hearing aids in. She did his exercises with him. She took him for walks. They did jig saw puzzles together. I know they are not all as good as ours was, but you need to have one that is at least satisfactory.

On the loud television -- I couldn't work with that, either. I got a wireless headset for hubby -- he liked that he could hear better, and could even keep listening when he got up to go to the bathroom. :-)

Yes. The aide is there to care for your father AND to take the burden off you. Let her know that if she interferes with your work then you will have to quit work and she will lose her job, so she needs to do what she can to keep you working.

To clarify one point, if she is no longer there 24 hours, is she being paid for 24 hours or 8 hours? I think you should tell her to work 10 hours, at least!

Is she a friend of the people who hired her? Who hired her? Can you talk to them? You are naturally very grateful that they have provided a person, but the HHA needs to understand that YOU are her employer in the home. Her job is not to care for you and your needs, but it is to care for your father so that you are 100% free to work and earn a living while she is there.

I like writing dialog for people. If you have trouble thinking of how to respond to her, give us a few specific examples of things she says and does, and I will make some suggestions.

Am I wrong, or are you a person who tries to be considerate all the time? Are you baffled by her behavior, because she is so inconsiderate? Maybe if you can get into the right mindset, you can become more comfortable setting boundaries with her.

I work full time at home and pay a friend to assist during heavy work hours. I get up very early and work 3 hours..........then wake up both my inlaws, change them, dress them, feed them,....then I run back downstairs to work for another 2 hours while they sit at the table and watch television. At lunchtime.........I do the same and then run back down to work for another 2 hours. Then I come back up for the evening. I get called back upstairs frequently for "bathroom issues."
During my busy season, I hire a friend to stay with them from 9 am till 4 pm. It's just way too expensive to pay for any more hours than that. And we make it work one day at a time. Outside activities are difficult because they are both totally incontinent and in wheelchairs. One is 24 hr oxygen, the other has Alzheimers.

Toomuch4me -
Tell us about your siblings who hired her. Do they want you to be miserable and humiliated? (My best friend's siblings WOULD want her to be miserable and humiliated, so tell us if that's the case.) We all want you to talk to them, and put an end to her A-H ness and petty tyranny. HHA's aren't that hard to find. Good ones may be harder to find, but with any new one, you could lay down the law on day one. This B-h is now untrainable because she has gotten away with it for so long.

Honestly, being around her is going to ruin your health and shorten your life. You deserve better. Please call your siblings and tell them you need a change now. Otherwise, you should run away from Dad and let them make other arrangements for his care.

When she says, I don't like being bossed around, reply "Really? Then why do you boss me around? If you are not willing to do your job as I ask, you should find another job. That's how jobs work. You get paid to do what your BOSS tells you to do. I live here. I'm not the employee, you are." When she gets angry, say "Mary, you seem to be upset. Would you please step outside until you are calmer? It is upsetting Dad and me, and we both need a peaceful home."

When she says, "I'm not cooking, You cook!" Ask her, "Isn't cooking part of your job? Why are you telling me to cook? Why would you think that it's all right for you to give ME orders?"

If it turns out that your siblings have given the HHA from hell the idea that she can act like this, then you need to let them decide how they will care for Dad without your help, and Get Out. God bless you.

I live with my father and I hired someone to come here every Saturdays from 830am-3pm. Father never liked her from the beginning and wanted to fire her. I told her in the beginning that I am the one hiring her and even if father fires her, I'm in charge. She was great in the beginning (last year). Now she's slacking off. Father complains that she takes 2 hour naps and then disappears outside. She has started her garden in our yard. She's been coming here late now. I keep telling her that I work at 830am and expect her to be here by 815. She doesn't listen. Twice she told me that since oldest sis is here (sis watches father Mon-Friday from 8am to 630pm. she has off when I get home and the weekends) to let her watch father until she comes at 845am or 10am. I have told her several times that that is why I hired her. It's not working. She's still doing things her way.

I am now actively looking for someone to replace her. She has gotten too comfortable with us and is setting her rules of when she come here. I need to dig up some phone numbers given to me by an acquaintance.

What I'm trying to say is.. if the paid caregiver knows that we're softies, they will walk all over us. Even when I confronted her about her duties (be inside with father) and consistently arriving late (so I'm late for work too), she still does things her way. Why? Because I'm all talk and no action. So... as soon as I find someone, I will tell the current paid caregiver that she's no longer needed.

And I agree - if your siblings refuse to give you the authority to rule over the house -including the paid caregiver - then you're just another caregiver in their eyes. They don't appreciate you being there with your father. Ideally, your siblings would agree to give you authority. Then either have a phone conference with them, you and the paid caregiver (or an actual meeting) and they tell her the situation and understand that she's being disrespect to you and not doing her duties, etc.. And it's up to you whether you want to keep her or not. At the moment, it doesn't look good for her. Then they tell you both that you both need to settle it between you - but that you have the ultimate decision to keep her or not. That should shock her into reality or not...

@ Too .. and mine, right back would have been, "You can stop yelling, I'm not hard of hearing. Next time take it home, or we'll eat it, you've been warned." And walk away. Brook no argument. Seriously, it's time to take control. She's winning (and whining). Fine, if she's not going shopping, she won't get paid. Dad loves her, but she IS replaceable. Please don't take offense, but .. you need to 'grow some' iron ovaries, m'dear. Or .. you could always move out, and let the POA take all the responsibility. Choices .. they're all yours.

Type up a statement of a "Job Review." Make a bullet-point list. It will avoid sounding like an emotional rant. I think taking the gardening out of the list. But she must be on-time, and spend an appropriate amount of time with your dad. Also, create a daily list and time sheet to have her enter an initial and time each item was done. Put her on a 30 day probationary period, with a requirement to turn in time sheet daily. That way, you can watch for consistency. Make her sign the agreement. If she refuses to comply, fire her.
Many businesses use this tactic. Be brave! You ARE the boss in this situation. on the spot.

Toomuch4me - I thought you were out of there!

You don't need to ask. You know the answer. Her behavior is unacceptable. You have asked the paid caregivers here, and they tell you the same thing.

If your siblings will not support you in telling her who is in charge, and you don't have the iron ovaries to let her know what's what, you can either continue to suffer or you can leave.

Are you the kind of person who could confront her? I know it's not easy to do, but her behavior is eating away at your self-respect and your sanity. If you can't get out right now, I think you need to lay down the law with her and your siblings.

Would you write up a list of the most unprofessional things she does, then describe how she should do things? Write it up and post it here for advice and editing suggestions. We can help you decide what is a small specific reasonable list. Then email it to your sibling/POA and tell him/her that you expect them to support you.

Tell her that she is the employee, and that you are the daughter, the "First Lady" of the house. Tell her that acting respectfully to family members is expected of all professional caregivers. Present the list to her. Tell her that you expect her to align her behavior with the list. Tell her that the POA agrees with the list. Tell her that she is not to upset your father by discussing it with him. Tell her if she does not like these conditions, that she is free to seek employment elsewhere.

Sweetie, you know you are in an abusive situation. I get so angry for you. I wish I could be there to chew them out. We keep telling you that she has no right to act that way. PLEASE start writing your contract for her to follow. PLEASE keep plotting your escape. Or else accept that she is going to go right on treating you like dirt. She won't stop unless you leave or stop her yourself. If you aren't going to take action, do your best to ignore her and her actions, so you won't make yourself even more unhappy.

To add to Jinx, Document Everything! Do a Journal - even if it's brief. Mention that you told your siblings about HHA, etc.. I would prefer that you send an Email to all your siblings explaining the situation - father, HHA,etc. Explain that father is in love with HHA and that you fear that she may take advantage of this. On that same email, Request for some authority over HHA.

Why? You are Leaving Paper Trails for any future event that something goes wrong. You will have documented via your emails of your concerns. This is very important. Mention what you described here to your siblings by Email. Document, document, document!

Bookluvr, well if there is one thing I have done is DOCUMENT. I have a paper trail miles long. Im sure they are tired of my emails.