I'm 50 yrs old and feel like life is passing me by. Does anyone else feel this way?

I too am feeling emotionally drained from this entire eperience. No reliable siblings to step in so that I may take a break. Had to call off work this morning due to my mother being so uncooperative. Refused to go to the adult day care and just wants to sleep all day. Her moods are so unpredictable I never know who I will get when she wakes. Seriously considering a facility for her. Violent behavior is increasing! Life does feel like it's over and is certainly passing me by.

1lonelygirl
I feel exactly the same way. I am 51 years old divorced and alone in my caregiving for my mom. I have two brothers one local but it's a struggle to get them to even to visit let alone help. I have been doing this on an off for the last 15 years but have been living with her for the last four years. It's all I can do to work and take care of her needs. I feel very isolated, lonely and getting bitter and angry. Don't get me wrong I love my mother to death and would do anything for her but I am tired and very depressed. I watch my brother and his family taking extended family on vacations and enjoying life and it doesn't seem fair! I asked no I begged for help with doctors orders to have them keep her for 30 days to give me a break. It took me being admitted to the hospital with chest pain before they agreed to keep her for two weeks and no longer. Now I am struggling with terrible guilt because I feel like I can no longer do it. My mental and physical health is suffering.

Start looking at home care because you need a break and a life of your own. Seniors often do not think about their adult children and grandkids having lives of their own. You shouldnt sacrifice your happiness and well being. You have needs wants and desires. My grandmother forgets and has shown zero regards for her granddaughters who are young women with jobs and lives of our own. Think about your needs its not selfish to do so. Getting help also allows you to take needed breaks so you can have a life.

Totally with you! It's so easy to get caught in the vortex of caring for a parent. I'm in my early 50's and since my mom moved in with me .. My life had come to a stand still. At this age we should be traveling and enjoying the freedom of raising kids, if you're single .. Going on dates … it should be our time!
Because nothing says "sexy" like telling someone that you live with your mother and have to clean up her poo. It's why I don't even try to meet anyone.
However, I do go to the gym. I figured I could have 2 options:
1 - I could become my mom's buddy and start watching TV 24/7 like CNN and then tell everyone about the war on terror or The Donald's latest bout of verbal diarehha. And I could have a diet mainly of sugary carbs and complain incessantly about everyone and everything or……
2 - I could do Crossfit. ya I'm 53. I walked into that gym and I never looked back. Since my Mom's accident, I felt like I had lost control over my life. Every decision I made I had to consider her first. But Crossfit is mine. It doesn't matter what your fitness level, anyone can do it. It is the most empowering thing in my life. The community of people there are incredible. So for 1 to 2 hours of my day, it's all about me!!
My point here is, if you can excersize … do it! It's chocolate for the brain. And if you are single.. There are men there... All kinds of men.😀

I'm 61 & have been taking care of Mom(92) since my Dad dies 17 years ago. I'm so tired. Whenever I make arrangements(weeks/months in advance & not often)for someone to stay with her so I can
go somewhere, Murphy's Law kicks in. My Mom gets sick & needs to go to the hospital. I don't think it's intentional, but sometimes I can't help but think it is.
My 1st Grandbaby is due very soon, & I want to fully enjoy him & to be perfectly honest, see life through new eyes now, but I fear my Mom might get sick close to or on the day the baby is due, tearing me apart.

Hey Girl, drop the lonely and get started. I care for my 55 years old sister. I am married and believe me, marriage is no cure for loneliness. So, look into Adult Day Programs that will wish Mom away a few days a week for some outside stimulation. And more importantly, some days for you to get out and mingle. My sister goes 3 days a week while I'm at work. They pick her up, entertain her and feed her. Your mind will be at ease because she is safe. Take yoga and meditation classes. It will help with your emotions and will help you hope. As someone said, Mom could be around a long time. That's a good thing but you need to detach from her with love. Explain you need some me time so you can enjoy the time you have together. Sometimes I just go to a movie or rent a motel room and have a me night. Movies, paint my nails play on my phone. You need some time that is all yours. Join the YMCA or take an adult class in something you like to do or wish you could do. Maybe become a real estate agent. Good way to meet people. My friend joined a local Toast Master club where she learned public speaking and made friends. Good luck to you. Pull up those big girl panties and get out and enjoy life on your terms. Leave the guilt at the curb. It's a useless emotion that eats you up from the inside out. Hugs. Cathy.

Yes!!! 47 and well aware that life is passing me by....:(

Oh jessie,, our dr office has what I like to call the "etch a sketch".. and even if we are there every month you have to deal with it! So frustrating.. Mom can;t do it, and so I do... this week we have back to back apts so I;ll have to do it twice,,, once for me and once for her... and heaven help us when we try to pay cash for the co pay!

Just checked my calendar. I felt like I needed to be home today, since my mother is acting more confused still. I realized we had a doctor appointment tomorrow. When I looked at the calendar I noticed we have another Wednesday. Then one of the doctor's offices called to tell us to come in early to do the paper work again since it's been a year. That paper work takes forever to complete now. ARGH!! Sometimes I wonder if they send healthcare people to classes on how to make caregivers' lives worse. I remember a time when you filled out 2 pages. Now they give you a whole book to complete.

Saracaretaker- I think being diagnoised with Asperger's as an adult must be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, yes - you have a condition that can make having and sustaining relationships very difficult but on the other hand you have an answer to what and why you perhaps feel things differently than a typical adult. My brother clearly has Asperger's but has never been formally diagnoised - my nephew - brothers only child, was diagnosed with Asperger's as a child which has allowed my sister-in-law to arrange for classes and therapies which has been beneficial in helping my nephew to have a more typical childhood and he is now away at college. Do consider finding a support group for adults with Asperger's- I know the friends I have today are all mothers I met in a support group when my son was a child.

Rainmom, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrom by a psychiatrist in 2013. It was a typo. I have done a lot of research and I wholeheartedly believe I have it. I am so so sorry about your situation with your son. You are being very brave and optimistic. I don' t have it so hard because the stories I read are hard. Nasmir, you didn' t say anything wrong. We all have thoughts about our loved one passing on. I want my mom to be comfortable and happy before she leaves this earth. I want to protect her.

I am a single, divorced, female caring for a 94 y/o mother with dementia without relief from family members and it is a difficult position to be in. We are always told the caregivers need to have a life too. That is not so easy and our social and healthcare system do not help much. A sporadic solo outing for interest, a solo hobby, etc while nice and distracting is not the same as the normal need for human interaction and relationship. That leads to once you are in a relationship or in closer contact with friends, arranging availability to get together with people can be very difficult. Volunteers are not in abundance, respite care, etc., may not always be available when you need them to be. Even paid aide services can be problematic and not available when you most need it. Then once you do have something or someone in place, there are the invariable issues and interruptions by those caring for the senior in your absence that steal the quiet or healing time of being with others. Finding understanding friends who won't get frustrated or bored with your responsibility and commitment to the senior is also a concern. It is a 24/7 job and when you do it alone, it is very difficult to orchestrate. Sitting in front of a TV is not the answer. Exercise is a good option - healthy, doing something good for yourself, makes you look and feel better (weight), and it releases endorphines which elevate mood and may help jump start your energy and outlook - and you can do it in the house - if you can afford it buy a treadmill or elliptical, or bike. I don't really have the answer, I can just commiserate as we all try to work through these issues step by step.

I wish I had some answers but I feel that way too. My situation is very similar - and just as my daughter is more independent, now I have to take care of my mother.

I'm just trying to take what little bits of me that I can squeeze in, a run, the gym, a walk at night, a book. I'm only working part time and have accepted that I will never have a real career since I went from the mommy track to the daughter track.

Any break at all helps. If you can afford it, put your mom in respite so you can get out of the house for a few days, or hire a caregiver to sit with her so you can get a break. Maybe a teenager in the neighborhood who does some babysitting could do some elder sitting?

I think sometimes it can just be the nature of the beast- being a caregiver. As a parent of a child with severe (thanks, cwillie) autism it didn't take long for all of my regular friends to drop away. You can't find a sitter and if you do, you're paying $15 an hour so a movie followed by a drink out is a $75 treat out. Or you're just plain exhausted from going through the necessary rituals involved with bath and bedtime. Maybe it was a diaper blow out, or shredded paper all over the house, your car key got hidden or dinner was refused. You realize one day all your friends are other parents of kids with a disability- and they feel like you do so you never see them either. I'm lucky in many ways but especially because I found a wonderful man who loves my son, adopted him right after we married and accepts that our lives together revolve around our son and for six years and counting - my mother. I will say, sometimes you have to do the seemingly impossible and find a way to get and keep at least one activity that is your own. Rarefind- many public libraries have readings and book clubs - free. I actually met my husband on-line in a hobby based chat room and before everyone starts thinking I've been suckered by a scammer - we've been together for 18 years, married for 15. Lastly - saracaretaker, I'm the last person who should be pointing out spelling errors but I only mention this as it seems odd you so mis-spelled a condition you say you have - it's Asperger's. Are you sure of your diagnosis? If so - look into support group as its a good way to make friends who will understand you. And - JessieBelle- of course you are making a positive difference!!! What a thing to say - you are awesome. Silly girl!

saracaretaker, I could have written what you wrote. It sounds so much like me, except there is no caring family. My brothers call a couple of times a month, but they really don't care. My mother's doctor doesn't care, either. There is really only one person who does -- me. I think of how much easier it would be if she only didn't have diabetes coupled with dementia. She also has spinal stenosis and dizziness that keeps her from exercising, making the diabetes more challenging to handle at times. Her blood sugar tends to run high, no matter how I cook and control what she eats, so has to be managed. I know she would already be gone if I hadn't been here, since she wouldn't go into a NH.

Still I know it is not fair to me. Goodness, I'm 64 and single living with a mother who has lived 5-10 years longer than the rest of her siblings have. Sadly, it has been in poor health.

The game shows and blaring TV -- I know what you mean. We've had Family Feud and some others going on for years. Then there is The Waltons and Little House. I don't watch TV anymore, since the same shows just addle me. My mother is watching TV less now that her confusion is increasing.

I never thought when I came here when I was 57 that I would still be here at 64. The saddest thing is that I don't think my time here has been meaningful. If there had been some loving or caring or warmth of any kind, I know I would have felt different. I love it when I read about the families who are close on here, because I know that's how it should be.

Nasmir, I want my mom to live along time. I would be at peace if I got some respite care and enjoy her company at the sametime. I am in a hard situation right now and I am doing the very best that I can. I just want everyone to be happy and especially my mom. I don't want her to die; that is the last thing I would want. I guess I used strong language to describe my situation and I apologize for that. I have Asperber's syndrome for which I tend to be unempethetic. When my mom is gone, I will have a very hard time. She has been my life. My dad passed away in 1984 and my mom never remarried. I have made a life with her and that is was I have ever known. I just need a little me time and I will be okay.

Lonely Girl, you have describe me to a T. I feel the same way. I'm 51 years old and I feel like I'm under house arrest. If I want to do something extra, it's very difficult. I am honored that my family trusts me enough to take care of my 85 year old mother but I have to dearly pay for it. I worry constantly if she is going to fall or get sick. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital with her many surgeries and sicknesses. I feel really isolated. My family does help me tremendously and I am very thankful for that but they are able to go back to their homes and I am stuck. They do appreciate my caretaking but they get very critical when I make a small boo boo. I am not one hundred percent perfect and no one expects me to be. I get so tired of her daily game shows and the TV blaring. I get very short with her because she feels she has to go to the dentist when she has already been there. For a while it was the eye doctor. I am so thankful that I have a cat because he alleviates a lot of pent up stress. If I didn't have my cat, I would be climbing the walls. I am tired of picking up after her. She has forgot how to throw things away. She is very messy. I am thankful to all my sisters who are able to chip in but I live with her 24/7, 365 days a year. I wouldn't mind taking care of her but I get a lot of criticism so I take care of her with a heavy heart. My heart would be happy if I didn't feel that I have to do everything right. I only human and God didn't make me perfect. My mom has been so good to me all these years and I want to show my appreciation to her; but I have been good to her as well. I am dearly paying for it. My siblings not as much as I. I am under a constant microscope by my immediate family and my cousins and aunts. I do feel that life is passing me by. I have a slew
of health issues. I have bad arthritis in my back and a permeated disk in my lower back. I am a breast cancer survivor and this chapter in my life(taking care of my mom full time) is so much harder. People think that we can just come and go as we please but it is not that easy. We have to silently suffer with loud TVS and dental floss always on the floor. So lonely girl I know your pain. We are in a temporary prigatory . We are serving a sentence for being good. So lonely girl you
are not alone. I feel your pain because I am living it alongside with you. I havn't known a night where I can just go to bed myself but I can't fall asleep before my mom. I really miss that part of my life. My mom comes first and I havn,t come first with myself in years. I need a respite. I want to be able to rent an apartment for a month with my cat and not worry about my mom. I am sure you feel that way. Stay healthy and take care of yourself. You are very important too. It is very sad that we lose ourselves when we have to take care of someone. It is not fun especially when you have to do almost everything for them. It is exhausting. I am glad I am not alone.

I feel the same most if the time also. My wife has been sick since 1997. It seems like the only life I have is my job. I get so tired and lonely

Yes, I think we've all felt that at times. This can happen when you're on low income with no outside help, and there's not much to do when there's no money. This can leave you on the sidelines making you think life is passing you by, and to some great degree you're absolutely right because life is passing you by when you don't really get a chance to enjoy what's out there such as activities for starters. Call it underprivileged, that's exactly what it is and it really does make life pass you by

Um...

So do we mean, "life is passing me by" or do we mean "I don't have a life if I don't have a relationship"?

To me, these are really very different things!

I am working on re-establishing a social life. A social life that you'd call a social life, that is, rather than the pathetic gestures I made towards it during the key caregiver years.

But if I ever again even look like I'm angling for a love life, I'd like Captain to come and shoot me please. As the song goes: "Iiiiiiiiiifff I were the marrying kind - which thank the Lord I'm not sir! - " Sometimes you'll be happier if you just accept your own limitations.

I just turned 51 and divorced since 07. He remarried straight away. Everyone thought I would because I was so emo. Well I did not. And I wonder if I will ever have love again. I am certainly used to the familiar pain of isolation in that respect. Who the hell wants someone caretaking their parents. I feel the way you describe. Except I try to find something amazing about life no matter how small it may seem to others. I keep it in my memory and hug it when I feel like crap.

OMG...thats totally me as well..work and home and obligations... and no social life..and my mom is such a sweetheart -i feel so bad even being slightly resentful..but we no other family... and I'm so use too be a independent ...its hard on me and hard on my mom cause she knows when I'm depressed-which is lot

assandache7 you made me lol - in the same situation and I did the same thing - "family gatherings" coming up and dollars to doughnuts nobody will offer to stay with her so I can attend my first one in two years. I can laugh about it but I'm having a full-on Good Weather Pity Party at the moment. Thinking I might just start crashing the parties with her in tow - lol - she's able to travel and loves the idea.

Captain ~ Thanks for all your advise!

Rainmom ~ They are wonderful kids I love them so much! And you are so right about babies!

Sorry, LonelyGirl. I misread your situation regarding children. I'm happy to hear about your two sons. And while you don't want to have them worrying about you, take some comfort in your daily talks and know that they love you. Maybe someday in the not to distant future you'll have grand babies to help build new memories of babies and children. Just be sure between now and then you haven't sacrificed you physical and mental health and are able to really enjoy them. There's nothing like holding a baby and have them smile at you, is there?

Trapped123 you and I are living the same life except I don't work. I know all the housewives on tv thank god for reality tv! I'm 50 and time it going by so fast! The days are so long but the years go by so fast!

I was married for 13 yrs and I have two sons 22 & 27. I see them once a month or every other month and I talk to them on the phone daily. I don't talk to them much about how bad I'm feeling, I don't want them to worry. They are young and enjoying their life and that is just about my only happiness see them living a good life.
Thanks everyone for your help and concern I take comfort knowing I'm not the only one that is feel this way.

Yeah welcome to my world. Although it's as much my own fault as the fault of the situation. I've watched several years go by now - won't say wasted, as helping mom was important to do - but I've got to get control of this now before it gets any more out of hand. Fact is I've gotten into a rut and just get lazy about getting out there and meeting people. Got away to the local bookstore the other day, looked around, and everyone in the cafe at that particular moment was in their 70s at least (I'm 51). I've forgotten who I am and what my life was but I can tell you all about the people on reality TV. What's that quote? "Television provides artificial friends and relatives to lonely people." Not that I"m sitting around watching TV all day - actually I work from home and am involved in some projects - but am woefully isolated and it's not my mom's fault, it's mine. She probably wishes I would get a life. I've gained nearly 40 pounds in the last three years, anxiety has gotten worse, and I get further and further from life the less I interact with the real world - and when the person you are around most is negative and also dealing with a lot of not-a-full-deck issues, it's not a good thing because you just lose brain cells by the minute. =) It's important to be out and around younger people or just people who are functioning in the everyday world. Being in a small town doesn't help either as the whole place is behind the rest of the country to start with.
It's time to get control of this and start building some kind of life while still being there for mom. Because she's going to pass away and I"ll be left with no life and lots of cats. (Actually, I love cats so having a good life AND lots of cats would be ideal,especially since we don't have a cat now).
Focusing on some goals and projects lately has helped. The future really depends on today's choices. It's going to get here one way or the other - and will find me either having a good life, or sitting on the couch with a container of chocolate pudding, watching reality TV.

he .
i told the first one , if she ever found the spineless guy she envisioned , she wouldnt have much .
at least she was momentarily honest enough to agree with me on that .
i call the first one " ms no fire wood "
the second one " ms no bathroom / kitchen remodel " .
it isnt a " nice guy , you owe me ALL the p33h#le " thing .
its a " stop playing me you evil b#t% " thing ..