Is there life after the nursing home for the caretaker?

This is one of the pitfalls of caregiving that no one talks about. Our whole lives can become dependent upon that person we care for. It's difficult to maintain our own lives while caregiving and slowly but surely the person we care for and their needs can take over our life. Some of us recognize it as it's happening, some of us don't. I saw it happening in my own life and kicked and screamed the whole way.

Your brother's life revolved around your mom and now she's being cared for somewhere else by someone else. This has left a huge gaping hole in your brother's life. When people get to this point it's very difficult to know what to do. Since your brother is feeling the emptiness so profoundly I would suggest that he see a therapist so he can get some tools to rebuild his life. He sounds very depressed.

One more observation: caregiving is an extremely stressful job, you're on the alert all the time, you hear and see appalling/sad things, you are angry/worn out/isolated, and worry all the time about the health of your loved one, about money, a million things. It's like living next to a fire station. Then your loved one goes into a NH or AL, you can relax some now! But you are still in that alert/worry mode. It's not so easy to turn off and settle down into 'normal', any more than it is easy to go from a normal life into the high stress job of caregiver.

Mulata your psychiatrist is an idiot! I certainly wouldn't go back there. Sometimes the answers are within us. Start looking at want ads and get a feel for what work might be available to you when time comes. That way you will have a plan that will ease your mind. If you live in a city consider moving away when time comes to somewhere where the living is much cheaper.

When my time came I moved to a tiny cottage on an acre in the middle of nowhere. Land taxes are 1/4 of the city, I run a wood stove a lot to keep electric bills down, grow and can veggies and keep chickens. My living expenses are a fraction of what hey were in the city.

Start planning for the rest of his life, whether it's going back to school, finding a different job, taking up a challenging recreation, doing something he's wanted to do ever since he's been a child.

It's easy to become trapped in the "here and now" of caregiving, but there will be a time when this is over. Daydreaming and planning can help relieve the tension and frustration as well as give him something to look forward to.

What are or were his interests before becoming a caregiver? Resurrect them, even if it's just participating on a forum with others who share the same interest.

And, he will eventually have the time back to himself.

Good question! When I put my mother in a nursing home, I was so relieved. I went on a short vacation nearby at a nice hotel, and just slept and slept, and ate and read, drank wine, watched movies, and slept some more. I had no problems adjusting, really - there was always SOMETHING coming along. Legal things, Medicaid things, the house - what to do about the house. Mom needs more clothes (they went out in the laundry and got 'lost'), mom needs shoes (they got 'stolen'), mom needs dollar store reading glasses, hair elastics, socks, stuffed animals, magazines. Mom has medical issues, got to see to that. Got to go bring people to visit mom. There's always something, believe me! On one hand, there is a period of 'OK, what do I do with all that time now?' On the other, there is that realization 'hey, you only have a few short years before YOU get sick, before YOU get dementia' - so you try to make the most of it....I don't know what brother's issues are, but it sounds like he needs a psychiatrist, he sounds deeply depressed... Can he go visit mom? He could go see her every day if he wants. Or he could volunteer at the NH, if he's not working and his days are long. NH's welcome volunteers and visitors, some patients there never get any visitors at all. (I will say, I often wish I had grandchildren or dogs to bring up to visit when I go see mom. It's so sad when children and pets come into the day room to visit, it perks up the people there so very much. Even if they don't even know where they are they love to see babies and dogs. It can break your heart.)

I am now in this position but instead of being in a nursing home my Mom passed on in January after I cared for her in my home for nearly 2 years while she was bedridden. I thought I would have it all together and do all kinds of things after my caregiving time ended. I did go for a vacation and that relaxed me for a couple weeks later...but now I feel lost and clueless as to what to do. I also miss my Mom though I know she had no quality of life being bedridden with all her health problems had she lived longer. I have her home to finish taking care of and that is harder than I thought it would all be. It sounds like your brother is depressed too. I don't have much interest in things right now. I keep trying to find things but it is not easy. Maybe doing some sort of volunteer work or just making oneself go to a museum, library, or sporting event can start the healing process. Sometimes I think I just I need someone with an A type personality to pull me out of this. Does your brother have any friends that have any hobbies or could go to sporting events with him?

I totally agree with the comment "like living next to a fire station" always on alert and on edge. My mother was in a NH for three years and still there was no peace, constantly running, checking the phone for messages and jumping out of my skin when the phone did ring. Due to the stress my hair was falling out in big chunks. She passed 6 months ago and I'm only now getting back to living. It just takes time.

Mulata88, when the time comes, you should sell the 'big old house'. That is the best advice I can give you. Don't stay there brooding like Miss Haversham in Great Expectations, move on. Find a job when you're ready. It will be a big big change should it ever come to that, but new surroundings and keeping busy will help. God bless you.

Ok. I think I was addicted to the constant work involved. I had a caregiver that loved my Mom. She is like family and an Angel. My work did not suffer because she took such good care of my Mom. I came home early afternoon and we would discuss what she needed. She is having a hard time also, so she is going to visit her mother.
My Mother was a clothes horse so I hope cleaning her closets and drawers will be good projects. Thank you.

Agreed. No B&B