How do you deal with life after caregiving?

It took me a very long time just to turn the night light off in Mom's bathroom...

Tilda, I feel just awful that you feel your life is on hold till your mother's passing. Things must not seem all that well for you. Listen, your situation is not the end of the world and If i would see you i would probably give you a hug. My moms attitude is not the best either, her language is just as bad as the Deadly Catch Captains. And her demands were even worse.

If your support team isn't helping you get through than look in the mirror after you had a bad expirence and say ITS JUST HER, NOT ME! I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG, I CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS, I LOVE MYSELF.
As corny as it seems if no one else listens to you , You will listen to you.

I hope with all the faith that I have that you get through every day, one day at a time with courage.

There will be an end sadly, But you should not have to be on hold till that day happens.

If you keep on crying and beating yourself up YOU will never be able to heal and move on.
I miss my mom too, and my whole world changed and I understand. A simple thing like moving the coffee pot into the kitchen was a big step for me.

Tilda -yes I had a abusive husband-the physical abuse had stopped but the verbal abuse continued up to a few days before he died when he was not responsive most of the time and he was only 71 when he died. I was able to leave hin for short periods of time and joined a volunteer group at our senior center so after he died I did have a support team. He did nothing for himself but downplayed what I did for him-he was disabled 16 yrs. and when I retired due to health issues he became very dependent on me and love to argue. When he died at first I was relieved and did feel guilty about that and had just decided to place him because his care was too much for me with his behaivor.

Thank you deedee and frequentfliertx for understanding the frustration....and I think I need to clarify...that my mother WAS abusive and negligent when I was a child...she has a personality disorder which was never diagnosed..in her time people had "quirks" not disorders...

In any case..after being placed on heavy meds she became more compliant and accepted care. She never would have survived in a nursing home for she had only abusive and mocking language for all the aids I have ever hired. She now has a live in....and I do not live with her but supervise all the goings on and do the cleaning and maintainece bill paying etc...at her house. My life is on hold till she meets her maker and it is very hard to give to someone who never loved.

I have detatched as best as I can from the facts and care for her as if she were a client and not my mom. It is easier that way...none the less...I have still to sacrifice my time energy and resources to make her life comfortable ...and know that there is no reward financial or otherwise....other than just doing the right thing. It's a good thing I raised myself to live without expectations...I seldom get disappointed...

Thank you, puckmomma. Last week when I visited one day, I just broke down crying telling her how much I miss her at home.

Yes, but just think CaraMia that at least you get to see her. My whole world crashed ontop of me when my moms vital signs faded and was told she may not make it. I appreciate the fact that my mom is alive and I can talk to her and see her.

Just think it can always be worse.... thats how I get through it ( Every Trip).

Also it helps if when you can't take it emotionally you can always leave the room for 5 min. to pull yourself together. Then return like you just had to take a call or something.

puckmomma, I sure do know how you feel. You have described some of my own feelings to a t. God bless you, fellow caregiver. It's very hard to move on with one's life when one loves a family member that one has cared for over a period of years. Yes, it is a losing of one's self definition, I guess.

I am having the hardest time transitioning my life now that my mother is in a nursing home. Seeing her in the nursing home is hard. I get butterflies in my stomach everytime I go to see her even though I enjoy her company. My days are so hard without her around, plus I'm looking for a job, so it's doubly hard. How do you move forward with your life to get over the sense of loss and pain?

I just have to deal with all the guilt trip of her crying about the kids and not being able to come home. No matter how I tried to explain things to her she does not understand that I can not give her the care she needs anymore.

I talk to her at least 5 times a day and feel extremely lucky that I am able to talk on the phone as opposed to talking to her through a cloud...

Life is extremely precious and I am grateful to god for all that I have.

puckmomma, you are a good daughter. You took care of your mom for a very long time in your young life. And the doctor knows what is best. Yes, thank God for the phone.

love,
miz

I am 30 and took care of my mom for 10 years. With 3 kids and a husband life was very chaotic. Between doctors and nurses and therapist coming to the house every other day and school with the kids, Needless to say I was exhausted. When my mom almost died and the doctor's said she needed more than me but a nursing home, I was devestated.

It took a lot of tears and even more faith to get through. It is still hard to handle the holiday's this past 4th of July was my first one without my mom being in the house. I got through... the phone is a god send and I can still talk to her, just not give her the care she needs anymore.

Martha...your last name is one to use in your daily healing. It's amazing what tools are available to us! Draw from this, it has alraedy been given to you! wink!!

martha, I was not prepared for this either. And I did not see any support on this subject. Only support for the care giving years. I received awesome support on this site while I was taking care of Mom and dealing with my mother-in-law's illness. Priceless support and I made some wonderful friends. Hopefully this topic will help those of us going through the aftermath. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. A month is a very short time. Hugs to you.

Wow. I just lost my mom a month ago (she was in an assisted living facility for nearly 6 years and I was POA and "The Responsible One" of 3 siblings) and I had no idea I would be so walloped by the loss. I thought a month was a long time... I see now that it could be much longer.

Thanks for the insight, all.

Hello to all...... My Mother passed 1 year & 10 months ago and still this has been a deep transformation for me. Care taking is the most rewarding job one will ever be given, but at the same time it can bring you so close to losing yourself almost to the point of no re-turn. 1 year and 4 days after my moms 1st anniversary of her passing I experienced my 1 st of many panic attacks and they are now almost 1 year later slowing way down. ( greatfully) I really, on a daily basis have to remind myself that I matter, I deserve to get my life back to whatever level I want it at. I have had a few jobs since her passing, I even went into the field she was in for many years, always just searching and never found anything fullfilling, Until I decided to think of me and only me for the 1st time in my life. I started my own business, Home staging and design, I am only resonsible for me, That unto itself is the answer for me, it may sound selfish to some whom have never jumped full body, mind, spirit and soul into to caretaking for a loved one, but this is the key for me. I have a long way to go before I can say that I have "come along way baby" This can take years. It really is an "Inside job".....I hope everyone who has felt depressed, helpless, and sometimes useless and I know your there, you in time will find the key to your next step, you don't need to rush it, we love long and deep with our loved ones and losing ourselfs in another is a long, long journey back. You can rebuild "you", because "you" matter... just you! walk a little, read a little, sleep a little, we all lost alot of sleep over the years haven't we? But really take the time to get to know you again....Hope is a gift ...use it...

Galtha, I definitely agree with you that long breaks are needed. Even a week is not really enough. Long breaks are something I did not have due to not having the funds and/or sibling support. It seems that unless people actually do the care giving day in and day out, they do not get how taxing it can be.

These discussions bring back memories of my first wife taking care of her bedridden mother before she died. She resisted sending her to a nursing home due to guilt and the feeling that she should be able to take care of her. In the end it seemed to be an error in judgement on my wife's part. Took a terrible toll on her. Something I am sure her mother would not have wanted at all. So, while a nursing home can seem like a terrible alternative, sometimes it is the best for everyone. In home care could be another option, but that can be more expensive than a nursing home if care is 24-7. At the very least, the relatives taking care of mom, grandma, etc. need some long breaks as they perform the mentally and physically challenging job of do-it-yourself home care.

Just lost grams a months ago, was taking care of her 24/7. I tell myself every day to just take it day by day. Thats how I got though each day taking care of her and that's what I do now to take care of me! It was one of the hardest jobs I have ever taken on and I would do it again in a heart beat! I did everything I could to care for her so it is time for me to put that care into myself. And so should you!!! This is what they we care for would want us to do for ourselves. And its high time we did put ourselves first for at least a little while. I find it hard to leave the house too but I tell myself that she would want me to get out and so I do. And each time gets a little easier! When you raise kids they slowly grow up and don't need you as much so it is a nice relief when they don't need you anymore. But when you take care of the elderly or someone with a long term illness they need you more and more as time goes by and then it all just suddenly stops!! There is no slowly getting use to someone not needing you. Just one day your life is all them and the next you have nothing!! So let time help you get to the point that you learn to care for yourself again. Good luck to you and remember your not alone in this new journey either!! I walk it with you as many others are now too!!

MIZ:

When we're the sole or primary caregivers, it's easy for "Depression" to become our middle name. I was so gung ho at the beginning, teflon attitude and all. 4 months later I realized that caregiving had become more than just a job and a journey; it was my new life. For 3 years I wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or if I'd ever reclaim MY past life. For lack of better words, those 3 long years were an out of body experience. I'm still in denial, just as I still can't accept that the Twin Towers no longer stand at Battery Park City.

Miz, it's time for your resurrection. Reassembling the mosaic that was your life will be Hades, but your resilience is evident in the fact you're looking for work. If you have time, throw in a gym membership so you can release all that tension, relieve some of the depression, and re-socialize. Get back to humanity girl! ... Do it now.

Dear Tilda, I did tell the truth on my posting regarding the care of my late husband. Now in your situation, if the person you are caring for is abusive and belligerent or negligent, it is up to you to make changes. Get someone else to come in and help you care-take. It is important for your mental and physical well-being. What about an Assisted Living Facility? Nursing Home? Explore all these options.

Thank You Every One So Much for all of your advice, caring, prayers and warm thoughts. My mother-in-law was only 61 when she passed. From the time she went into the hospital to the day she died was one month. Before they figured out what was really wrong she had Stage 4 cancer. Chemo did nothing and she was just so sick, tired and weak. I was still grieving the loss of my mother and after my MIL died my husband and I had to get out of my mother's house so it could be put on the market. We bought a new little house and I had to go through my mom and dad's house and clean it out with some of my siblings so it could go on the market. There is stress in the family and that made it harder. It just all happened so quick. My husband just kinda expects me to be happy now. And I do have regrets from caring for my mom. Sometimes I was just too tired or depressed to get her out of the house. Things like that. It was over 5 years and it definitely took it's toll. I started taking care of Mom when Dad passed away at 87. He was in good health and it was sudden.

Again, thank you for all of your posts. I do agree that everyone is different but I think we all need to be kind to ourselves. Bless you all.

love,
miz

Hopefully things get better as time passes. Having positive feedback on your job of caring helps a little after a while. I am going through this time of trying to get back into the real life. I was care taker for my mother for eight years. She just died in May. I know how you feel. My husband continues buying me dark chocolate to help brighten up those dark moments. Dealing with the youth is better for me right now. I am thinking about helping out in a nursery or camp . Kids don't mind if you are shy. Many of them are also. Volunteering is a good way to network and often job opportunities will come up if you want to work. That has happened to me twice before the care taking took place. You might want to keep a list of things that make you happy and costs no money. Then try to do one or two a week until being out and about is easier. I am finding this helps to encourage me to get up and get out of the house. Being depressed must go along with this transition. I find that if I am out of the house walking on a trail, on the beach, at the mall, anyplace that is enjoyable, I forget to be sad and find a little joy. I am also keeping a journal of my caring but limit myself to one hour and then do something special for me. I know we care takers did not take care of our selves. Now is the time to say "I am worth a little pampering." over and over again. You are in my thoughts as we continue to heal our inner selves.

Oh no. Elders can be quite verbally abusive. You're definitely not alone. :-) W Thank goodness I haven't suffered any physical abuse. :-) W

@Tilda, I'm sorry to hear you are a caregiver for someone who is abusive and negligent. Is there someone else that can care for this person other than you?

After reading a few of the posts I am left wondering...am I the only person who has to care for a person who was abusive and negligent. Everyone seems to have loved and been nurtured and will miss the senior they are caring or have cared for. I know I am not alone in this...and perhaps if there was a "truth checker" like a spell checker...more of reality would be posted? Just wondering.

Hello Miz! I, too am struggling with a loss ,my sister passed in April. I just wanted to go away from the pain mostly. But I read that the death of loved one is a traumatic shock and we should deal with it as you are doing,slowly and with lots of love and caring for ourselves.Trying hard not to make any major moves for a year. I,too, am looking for work,part-time in an unrelated field .I think Temp work is a good place to start. And I found a great free exercise program that I have committed to like a job! I just get up shower dress and go there 3 days per week. I also do the mediterranian diet so while I am getting myself mentaly back I am giving myself a super physical boost. I also take a one a day vitamin. Smile at everyone and enjoy getting one back! I have gotten into reading again I could not seem to concentrate at first but I got a book to keep beside the bed and committed to read 2 chapters a night "The Reader" is a good one with very short chapters. And "My Antonia" is a great book on tape. I pamper myself with a warm shower at night and soft music. And strive for spiritual growth through Bible study.
I will keep you in my prayers.

When the person you have been caring for was your beloved spouse of many many years, who has now passed on, you are left with emptiness...anguish.. a tremendous sense of loss. The burning question will always be: What more could I have done? You remember not what you did, but what you didn't do.
You always say " What if"...... I cry as I write this.....I understand so much more today than I did when I was the caregiver. You too will have look-backs. All I can say is: Be Kind, Be generous with your love and your time. Remember that the time is passing, and it will all be over sooner than you think. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Still grieving.

First, God Bless You and Hugs! I have often wondered what my life will be like after Mom passes. It's hard for me to imagine and I start tearing up just thinking about it. I love her so much and can say it's an HONOR being her caregiver and daughter. You are grieving my sweet and let yourself grieve. The kind folks here are very helpful. They helped me recently. I'm new to the group. I hope you are finding comfort here in this wonderful place I like to call my new home. Remember, you are not alone and very special! Hugs, Donna

I tell you what I will do, however. Once my caregiving days are behind me, I will take a long vacation. I already have the places picked out that I want to visit. :-) w