How do you deal with life after caregiving?

I am dealing with the grief of losing my mom about 7 months ago and my mother-in-law a few months after Mom passed. I have a tendency to be depressed and it's really got a hold of me. Our money situation is bad and I am looking for full time work. Everyday is a struggle. It's a very different struggle than care giving was although I tend to want to stay home as I did when Mom was still here.

I had a very hard time moving on from care giving for my mother after she passed. It was the hardest but most blessed job I ever had. I took what I learned and am now in the Senior Health Care field helping others who take care of loved ones. I too struggled with moving on and it took me a year to get out of bed every day because my life changed so fast do the way my mother passed. That is another story for another time. YOU have to make the decision to move on, what would your loved ones want? Would they want you to move on with your life, live, be happy? I am sure they appreciate everything you did for them and feel so blessed to have had your love and attention but now they would want you to focus on YOU. All you can do is take it one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time. Start to do small things for yourself first, set small goals before reaching for the stars. Deep breathe and remember you are one day closer to Gods plan today then you were yesterday..!!!!
Blessings Bridget

For a number of us, finding a passion in the senior/elder care field is therapeutic. Even writing in a journal can help, however. Remember that what you learned as a caregiver has given you skills and maturity not everyone has. Use this to volunteer in a nursing home or other place that helps seniors. There are many. Start a support group in your community for people in your situation. If you talk, write and keep yourself occupied, you will likely feel better. If not, please see a doctor about depression. Many people who have gone through dramatic life changes have problems with depression, so please don't feel alone. Get help.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

I appreciate your advice, Carol. The thing is I have gotten help for depression for years. Take meds for it and all of that. Can't afford a counselor. Can't even afford my shrink but I have to go. Nursing homes depress the hell out of me. That's one of the reasons I would not put Mom in one. I do know that maybe I could brighten someone's day at a nursing home but at what emotional cost to me and my well being?? I think you are right in that keeping busy is very important. Also, I want to start exercising. But it's hard to make myself when I am depressed. Another one of my problems is I am not very outgoing at all. Each social interaction I have is stressful for me. There are other things going on in my life that add to all of this hardship. I will just keep trying to keep my head above water and not succumb to it all. Thanks again for your kind words and trying to help.

miz

Bridget, I know I responded to you in a hug but I want to say thank you right here. That was really good advice you gave me and I truly appreciate it. It's nice to hear from someone who has been there done that. I wonder how many more of us there are out there. Probably more than I imagine.

miz

I understand about nursing homes - and even social activities. Everyone is different, and socialization (and even exercise) when a person is depressed can seem impossible. I'm so happy you are seeing a psychiatrist. Have you tried Catholic Charities (you don't have to be Catholic) to see if they can set you up with a counselor on a sliding scale? You really need to take care of yourself. I know enough about the despair of depression (I have a family member who suffers from major depression) to know there are no easy fixes. Some people respond to medications, but finding the right one is a process. Please keep trying. My heart goes out to you.
Carol

Gee, I don't know. I haven't gotten to that stage yet. I'm still caring for my 80-something year old parents. :-) W

Your situation has touched me due to the fact that it has almost identical to what I'm going through. My grandma in law passed in may and my mother is now in a nursing home due to my inability to care for her Medical NEEDS-she has Alzhimiers and is in the final stages, I keep my sanity and health in check by volunteering at the very same nursing home my MOM is in. What is being advised to you is correct!! It is Thereputic,and much to my surprise,but in the begining You Have to MAKE yourself DO This. And before you know it,you are whole again,Don't get me wrong.its a tough road,but you have to be strong!!! Just like you were when you cared for you Mom and Mom In Law. The promblem I think is for me any way I Consumed myself in there Care that I lost sight of what I was and who I was. Now I relized how much I gave up unconditionally for them but accept that it is now time for me and I have been given my ME time back,its up to each and everyone of us to decide what we chose to to with that--Will it be Productive or the later--It's all a matter of Choice.

I to have caring for both my parents for the last 3 years, under no circumstances did I want to place them in a nursing home, however it became clear to me that I could no longer give them want they needed. But I did try for 3 years so now they are both in a nursing home. I do see them everyday and also take them out once a week but I feel like I have failed them. Now I have to start over again I really do not know where to start I do need a job my finances are very limited. I just don't know where to start I have been out of the loop for so long it really is very frightening.

I'm taking care of my mom who has Dementia. It's been one of the hardest things I'vr ever done. I'm 3 years into it with her. She still takes care of herself and lives in a Senior Community. But it's still very demanding on me and I have a hard time dealing with guilt when I want to do things without her. I know deep down I need my own life too. I have to Balance my needs with hers. I take very good care of her and I know she appreciates it. It's going to be difficult for me too when she passes also.So much of your life and focous has been on taking care of her. I still have more years with her and I'm glad for that. But I still have long road ahead of me and no siblings to help. I must be strong now and later for her and me.

Try to start exercise with a little at at time. Maybe 15 minutes the first time. Start slow, don't set your goals to high at first. You can always add more time later once you get started. I find that it is hard to get started on exercise, but once I get going it becomes a lot easier. After that, the challenge is to stop at your goal. Don't overdue and you will likely look forward to your next 15 minute session and to gradually increasing that. Doing it this way will also cut down on soreness, etc.. Good luck. Exercise should help you to feel better and help with your depression.

I forgot to mention that it may be best to start your exercise program with every other day off. Exercise one day and take the next off, etc.. Just another way to avoid burnout when you first get started.

Many caregivers are going through and have gone through this experience. It's similar to the "empty nest" syndrome. After caring for mom in my home for over 16 years after she passed I was in a daze- actually I was emotionally paralyzed! During all that time I was moms caregiver I sacrificed a lot to be there for her care and when it "suddenly" ended I was still in caregiver mode. I tend to disagree with much of the advice given about going into the caregiving professional mode by volunteering at facilities and agencies.... caring for your mom was a personal choice and now that she is gone it's time to pick up the pieces and move on. For some, that may mean staying in the caregiving role for perpetuity, for others it's a life choice and then there are those who never want to care for another. Take some time to figure out what it is that you want. Seven months is just a drop in the bucket. Take some time to figure out what it is that YOU want- this might be hard because as a caregiver you always put another first- we become programmed-so putting yourself first will be strange for a while. Try to find small joys daily. Above all don't force yourself to make any major decisions at this time. You are not only grieving the loss of mom but the loss of years and an unknown future. Take a breath and stop being so hard on yourself. In time this will all work out.

I never imagined it this way and wonders if others feel relief?
Interesting stream here. I am so sorry you suffer from depression, its in my family and I see it first hand. You can have everything you want, and still be sad inside. Doctors do say 4 times consistently a week is as good as antidepressants so I hope you can do that. I am still taking care of my Mom in my home and I really feel tied down at times. I cannot enjoy my husband, kids, or grandkids without being right there for my Mom on call to feed, console, or take to the bathroom. I do feel a bit robbed at times but to make my Mom laugh and sing is priceless and to know I am doing whats right in my heart. I often think of "life after caregiving" and think such sadness will kill me, yet I look forward to relief and freedom with sadness. I often think of helping some other parent part time who needs someone to make them laugh and sing to them and assume I will do that. I understand nursing homes are depressing and would never put my own in one, but I think of how depressed those elderly are that have all day long without company or attention like we experienced caregivers can give. I also see what Nataly says as far as a different field now, alhou I never thought of that. I think your depression isn't just your loss but a chemical imbalance and only the ideas given with help. I look so forward to a life after caregiving and to me being depressed seems , other than grieving, so beyond what I ever imagined. Hang in there, get up and walk right out the door if you can,and bring music. Best of Luck to you. I agree with others,Your parent would want you to move on and be happy,keep thinking of that.

I sometimes wonder what it will be like after Mom passes on. If we are financially able, I would like to help other caregivers with their parents to give them a break. I think it would be wonderful to help them out with no cost to them, since I know what it is like to be caring for Mom all alone. We are not really in a position to pay for help, but if someone offered to sit with Mom for a day while we went to see our grandchildren, we would be so happy. So, if I can do that for someone after my caregiving stops, that would be fantastic. And then I can go home knowing it is not a 24/7 ordeal anymore. Maybe you could consider something like that miz. Or if you need the money, maybe you could work PT for a Home Health company. I will keep you in my prayers while you work through this...
Peggy

This question is quite a unpredictable one...and is the unknown for me as far as my mother is concerned. When my mother in law and father in law died, I found myself grieving deeply for the longest time because I could not do more for them. They were the dearest souls. When my ex husbands Aunt Mary died and I was her executor it took almost three years before all issues were resolved and I could even get to my grief for her. Her death was a criminal action and there were trips to Florida, detectives, police and murder suspects to deal with. Because she was murdered by her health aid and her accomplices I vowed that my parents would not meet the same fate....and have been very "hands on" at all times. This is now seven years with my mom and five years prior to that with my father...for my mom was not a good caregiver and was starving my father at the end. With this violent history, I often wonder what and who I am without all this trauma and drama in my life. My question is....Can one prepare? How can you ever know what will be? Doesn't grief touch us all differently? I can only predict how I think I will be...but there is no way of knowing...what the void will be like. I can see that you loved your parent and miss them and probably keep them close to your heart with memories and thoughts of better days. I do not have those to hang on to. I can only predict relief...and a letting go of anger and of acceptance and forgiveness....not easy to do ...so I wonder.

I tell you what I will do, however. Once my caregiving days are behind me, I will take a long vacation. I already have the places picked out that I want to visit. :-) w

First, God Bless You and Hugs! I have often wondered what my life will be like after Mom passes. It's hard for me to imagine and I start tearing up just thinking about it. I love her so much and can say it's an HONOR being her caregiver and daughter. You are grieving my sweet and let yourself grieve. The kind folks here are very helpful. They helped me recently. I'm new to the group. I hope you are finding comfort here in this wonderful place I like to call my new home. Remember, you are not alone and very special! Hugs, Donna

When the person you have been caring for was your beloved spouse of many many years, who has now passed on, you are left with emptiness...anguish.. a tremendous sense of loss. The burning question will always be: What more could I have done? You remember not what you did, but what you didn't do.
You always say " What if"...... I cry as I write this.....I understand so much more today than I did when I was the caregiver. You too will have look-backs. All I can say is: Be Kind, Be generous with your love and your time. Remember that the time is passing, and it will all be over sooner than you think. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Still grieving.

Hello Miz! I, too am struggling with a loss ,my sister passed in April. I just wanted to go away from the pain mostly. But I read that the death of loved one is a traumatic shock and we should deal with it as you are doing,slowly and with lots of love and caring for ourselves.Trying hard not to make any major moves for a year. I,too, am looking for work,part-time in an unrelated field .I think Temp work is a good place to start. And I found a great free exercise program that I have committed to like a job! I just get up shower dress and go there 3 days per week. I also do the mediterranian diet so while I am getting myself mentaly back I am giving myself a super physical boost. I also take a one a day vitamin. Smile at everyone and enjoy getting one back! I have gotten into reading again I could not seem to concentrate at first but I got a book to keep beside the bed and committed to read 2 chapters a night "The Reader" is a good one with very short chapters. And "My Antonia" is a great book on tape. I pamper myself with a warm shower at night and soft music. And strive for spiritual growth through Bible study.
I will keep you in my prayers.

After reading a few of the posts I am left wondering...am I the only person who has to care for a person who was abusive and negligent. Everyone seems to have loved and been nurtured and will miss the senior they are caring or have cared for. I know I am not alone in this...and perhaps if there was a "truth checker" like a spell checker...more of reality would be posted? Just wondering.

@Tilda, I'm sorry to hear you are a caregiver for someone who is abusive and negligent. Is there someone else that can care for this person other than you?

Oh no. Elders can be quite verbally abusive. You're definitely not alone. :-) W Thank goodness I haven't suffered any physical abuse. :-) W

Hopefully things get better as time passes. Having positive feedback on your job of caring helps a little after a while. I am going through this time of trying to get back into the real life. I was care taker for my mother for eight years. She just died in May. I know how you feel. My husband continues buying me dark chocolate to help brighten up those dark moments. Dealing with the youth is better for me right now. I am thinking about helping out in a nursery or camp . Kids don't mind if you are shy. Many of them are also. Volunteering is a good way to network and often job opportunities will come up if you want to work. That has happened to me twice before the care taking took place. You might want to keep a list of things that make you happy and costs no money. Then try to do one or two a week until being out and about is easier. I am finding this helps to encourage me to get up and get out of the house. Being depressed must go along with this transition. I find that if I am out of the house walking on a trail, on the beach, at the mall, anyplace that is enjoyable, I forget to be sad and find a little joy. I am also keeping a journal of my caring but limit myself to one hour and then do something special for me. I know we care takers did not take care of our selves. Now is the time to say "I am worth a little pampering." over and over again. You are in my thoughts as we continue to heal our inner selves.

Thank You Every One So Much for all of your advice, caring, prayers and warm thoughts. My mother-in-law was only 61 when she passed. From the time she went into the hospital to the day she died was one month. Before they figured out what was really wrong she had Stage 4 cancer. Chemo did nothing and she was just so sick, tired and weak. I was still grieving the loss of my mother and after my MIL died my husband and I had to get out of my mother's house so it could be put on the market. We bought a new little house and I had to go through my mom and dad's house and clean it out with some of my siblings so it could go on the market. There is stress in the family and that made it harder. It just all happened so quick. My husband just kinda expects me to be happy now. And I do have regrets from caring for my mom. Sometimes I was just too tired or depressed to get her out of the house. Things like that. It was over 5 years and it definitely took it's toll. I started taking care of Mom when Dad passed away at 87. He was in good health and it was sudden.

Again, thank you for all of your posts. I do agree that everyone is different but I think we all need to be kind to ourselves. Bless you all.

love,
miz

Dear Tilda, I did tell the truth on my posting regarding the care of my late husband. Now in your situation, if the person you are caring for is abusive and belligerent or negligent, it is up to you to make changes. Get someone else to come in and help you care-take. It is important for your mental and physical well-being. What about an Assisted Living Facility? Nursing Home? Explore all these options.

MIZ:

When we're the sole or primary caregivers, it's easy for "Depression" to become our middle name. I was so gung ho at the beginning, teflon attitude and all. 4 months later I realized that caregiving had become more than just a job and a journey; it was my new life. For 3 years I wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or if I'd ever reclaim MY past life. For lack of better words, those 3 long years were an out of body experience. I'm still in denial, just as I still can't accept that the Twin Towers no longer stand at Battery Park City.

Miz, it's time for your resurrection. Reassembling the mosaic that was your life will be Hades, but your resilience is evident in the fact you're looking for work. If you have time, throw in a gym membership so you can release all that tension, relieve some of the depression, and re-socialize. Get back to humanity girl! ... Do it now.

Just lost grams a months ago, was taking care of her 24/7. I tell myself every day to just take it day by day. Thats how I got though each day taking care of her and that's what I do now to take care of me! It was one of the hardest jobs I have ever taken on and I would do it again in a heart beat! I did everything I could to care for her so it is time for me to put that care into myself. And so should you!!! This is what they we care for would want us to do for ourselves. And its high time we did put ourselves first for at least a little while. I find it hard to leave the house too but I tell myself that she would want me to get out and so I do. And each time gets a little easier! When you raise kids they slowly grow up and don't need you as much so it is a nice relief when they don't need you anymore. But when you take care of the elderly or someone with a long term illness they need you more and more as time goes by and then it all just suddenly stops!! There is no slowly getting use to someone not needing you. Just one day your life is all them and the next you have nothing!! So let time help you get to the point that you learn to care for yourself again. Good luck to you and remember your not alone in this new journey either!! I walk it with you as many others are now too!!

These discussions bring back memories of my first wife taking care of her bedridden mother before she died. She resisted sending her to a nursing home due to guilt and the feeling that she should be able to take care of her. In the end it seemed to be an error in judgement on my wife's part. Took a terrible toll on her. Something I am sure her mother would not have wanted at all. So, while a nursing home can seem like a terrible alternative, sometimes it is the best for everyone. In home care could be another option, but that can be more expensive than a nursing home if care is 24-7. At the very least, the relatives taking care of mom, grandma, etc. need some long breaks as they perform the mentally and physically challenging job of do-it-yourself home care.

Galtha, I definitely agree with you that long breaks are needed. Even a week is not really enough. Long breaks are something I did not have due to not having the funds and/or sibling support. It seems that unless people actually do the care giving day in and day out, they do not get how taxing it can be.