How do you deal with life after caregiving?

I am dealing with painful emotions of my mother being in a nursing home this year. I have waves of emotions that remind me of both my mother and father, both of whom I love dearly even though my father has been dead for a number of years. Our family has always been close and I just can't imagine life without both of them. I know it takes getting used to, but the nursing home just seems to make it harder because the nursing home is just a warehouse for some elders who die a slow death. That makes it very painful to me. I want to feel normal again and regain my appetite. I guess it just takes time.

I surely understand your pain. I have been feeling it right now, while getting work done around my home. I am on to a bike ride in 2 hours with a group I joined and then we get a bite to eat. So wonderful to just get out with others and do something not thinking, fun, physical and to laugh a lot!! I can't wait. I have have to push my guilt of not seeing my mom the past few days aside. I have to understand how much I do and have done. I have to work to be kind to myself. Jeeze...I'm pooped just trying figure that out!

Thank you for the reminder to get out and to be kind to myself. I do on occasion, but not often enough. What you have shared is very helpful to me, picture.

After one of my friends lost her mother who had been in a nursing home less than a year, she said something that I can identify with. She said that she's cried all the tears that could be cried already. I think I will feel the same way one day, and that will be a step forward in my healing. It's just so hard. One would think that some of us caregivers would be relieved of not having to be caregivers any longer, but for some of us who miss our loved ones and hate to see their decline, it is so painful to move forward. Thanks for sharing and listening.

I have been a caregiver of my husband since he was diagnosed with alz in 2007. He recently entered assisted living. I feel like I am loosing him aliitle each day. A very long and slow death. It is devastating . Our friends have disappeared and I basically have no life. How do I go on with my life or even try to make a new one. I am so depressed, I don't know where to turn. I am crying at the drop of a hat and I am so emotional most of the time. I need someone to just care

Your anticipatory grief sounds extremely painful and it tends to be more depressing as well. In order to go on with your life, I seriously thing you need a basic anti-depressant from your doctor. You also sound like you need the supportive ear of a therapist who can help you walk through the stages of grief and gain the strength to make a new life.

I agree with cmagnum that drug and talk therapy may be appropriate at this time. Not because there is anything wrong with you -- grieving over losses is perfectly appropriate -- but because this is a very difficult journey you are on and you deserve all the help you can get.

My husband was diagnosed in 2003 and died two weeks ago. A book that comforted me a lot is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia," by Pauline Boss. She explains the concept of "ambiguous loss" -- where the loved one is still here but is also "gone." She says that grieving along the way as each loss occurs is normal and healthy. Surely placing your husband in a care center is a huge loss (even though It was in his best interest) and of course you are mourning that loss. Don't be hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is NOT psychotic and I only suggest medical/counselling help to get you through this very natural but painful phenomenon. It can help you, too, with moving forward and reclaiming your life while continuing to care for and advocate for your husband.

My heart goes out to you. Please accept my hugs and warm wishes.

I personally will deal with life after care giving with absolute joy and celebration. First thing after 10 years in a cave, go on my dream vacation. I've earned it. Then school, then a new career. Then, my new, wonderfully delicious FREE life begins. Amen to that!

Most everyone here has had family member die. My dad is still alive, and i struggle with abandonment. I have been his caregiver for 16 of my 22 years of marriage and four children. Just recently i was urged to put my dad in a nursing home because of how fast his condition is going to decline. He has Super Nuclear Palsey on top of left brain injury from a stroke and is in kidney failure. I did everything for him from baths to doctor visit to physical therapy as well as taking him to dialysis 3 times a week. All the while raising my four children while my husband works. Before my dad lost his memory, i made him a promise. That i would never put him in a nursing home. And thats what i did and i cant forgive myself for that. I dont think ill ever be able to forgive myself. Now he has to be in a room with 2 others, because its unsafe for him to be alone, and he wonders where he is, where did i go, where did everyone go? Im an only child and it only took ten years after i moved out, that he was back with me because of his stroke. Hes been gone for two years now and its been 6 months since ive seen him and it breaks my heart to see him and breaks my heart when i cant bring myself to go see him. I dont want to leave him there. He looks at me while im leaving and just goes to sleep. So i walk to my van and sob until i cant cry anymore. My husband is busy with his job, and the kids are busy with themselves and school. I feel like i dont know who i am! My interest in eating is gone. I live on coffe and mountain dew. My body hurts all day. I ve had disk surgery in my neck, i have a torn rotar cuff. Im on depression meds, anxiety,panic attacks, and tacardia meds. Im strong in my faith and my friends from church are great. I feel like im mourning my father both mentally and physically, everyday.

chrissyhas4, it does sound like your are mourning the loss of your father before his death. I understand. You made a promise to your dad when both you and he were healthier, but things have changed that made keeping that promise not possible anymore. I believe that you can forgive yourself for you have not done anything to be guilty of. Your emotional health sounds like you need more than just meds, but could benefit from talking with a therapist. Are you feeling abandoned by your husband who is so busy with his work and your kids who are so busy with themselves? I get that impression from your description, but maybe I'm wrong. Prayer, love and hugs for you in your journey.

crissyhas4, I highly admire all you did for your Dad! Why havent you seen him, thats what I dont understand. Please go visit him and hug and hold his hand as much as you can, they dont have time for that in nursing homes. My Mom is with me and just being there holding her hand is crucial. Imagine if you were alone and afraid and didnt know anyone, a hand to hold, someone to hug, is what you need, and so does he. I think you both need eachother to heal. I have a friend who wont visit pets at the shelters because its too sad, well it is, but if we dont go love them up, who will? Hang in there xoxo

Chrissy, Please read carefully the posts here, and may I add one more. First, cut the Mountain Dew. Learn to love fizzy water. You need to talk to a professional therapist, psychologist or gentle psychiatrist and tell him/her the thoughts you have mentioned here.. You are not alone in this. Others are dealing with grief, embarrassment, shame, and above all GUILT. While you are dealing with the multiple situations, you may wish to review your meds with whomever prescribed them . There may be conflicting effects from some of your drugs.....For example, why are you taking anti-anxiety meds along with anti-depression meds? Personally, I believe that psycho-therapy is more effective than anything else. Finding the right person who relates to you is the key to successful therapy. The wrong person could be problematic. When you do find the right person who will help you, you'll be able to strip away the unimportant problems and prioritize the important ones, putting everything in the order of importance, one-by-one. Then, you'll be amazed at how clear it all becomes. You'll feel better and you will wonder how it all happened. Good Luck.

It is not unusual for a person to be prescribed both anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. My wife has been on both for years plus has been in therapy. Sometimes, the meds treat the symptoms that therapy is able to get to the heart of and reduce the need for the meds. Other times, both the meds and therapy are needed because the therapy alone does not fix it.

Thank you for your answers on this topic and hugs and prayers to all. My father died 4 yrs ago and I caregive for my Mom. Right now she is in independent living, but I often think about the future. What I decided to do was retrain as a medical records coder, which will take some time to certify and then find employment. In the meantime, I try to do the best I can for her and myself. Talking does help, but not everyone understands. Some of the weirdest comments you get are," You should be glad you have a mother," or " You should feel honored." They just don't understand why it is difficult to take care of a mom when you were not the favorite, and the favorite child doesn't think he has to help. I don't have the definitive answer, but I try to pick my battles and accept that mom's death is a part of life. You cannot stop it or change it, but you have to make a life for yourself. God bless us all!

Those who understand matter, those who don't understand don't matter. Glad to hear that you are making a life for yourself!

Yes, Crow, I know about these meds that seem to conflict. I still say that both may not be needed at the same time. Your wife's situation may be different.