How do you deal with life after caregiving?

Yes, Crow, I know about these meds that seem to conflict. I still say that both may not be needed at the same time. Your wife's situation may be different.

Those who understand matter, those who don't understand don't matter. Glad to hear that you are making a life for yourself!

Thank you for your answers on this topic and hugs and prayers to all. My father died 4 yrs ago and I caregive for my Mom. Right now she is in independent living, but I often think about the future. What I decided to do was retrain as a medical records coder, which will take some time to certify and then find employment. In the meantime, I try to do the best I can for her and myself. Talking does help, but not everyone understands. Some of the weirdest comments you get are," You should be glad you have a mother," or " You should feel honored." They just don't understand why it is difficult to take care of a mom when you were not the favorite, and the favorite child doesn't think he has to help. I don't have the definitive answer, but I try to pick my battles and accept that mom's death is a part of life. You cannot stop it or change it, but you have to make a life for yourself. God bless us all!

It is not unusual for a person to be prescribed both anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. My wife has been on both for years plus has been in therapy. Sometimes, the meds treat the symptoms that therapy is able to get to the heart of and reduce the need for the meds. Other times, both the meds and therapy are needed because the therapy alone does not fix it.

Chrissy, Please read carefully the posts here, and may I add one more. First, cut the Mountain Dew. Learn to love fizzy water. You need to talk to a professional therapist, psychologist or gentle psychiatrist and tell him/her the thoughts you have mentioned here.. You are not alone in this. Others are dealing with grief, embarrassment, shame, and above all GUILT. While you are dealing with the multiple situations, you may wish to review your meds with whomever prescribed them . There may be conflicting effects from some of your drugs.....For example, why are you taking anti-anxiety meds along with anti-depression meds? Personally, I believe that psycho-therapy is more effective than anything else. Finding the right person who relates to you is the key to successful therapy. The wrong person could be problematic. When you do find the right person who will help you, you'll be able to strip away the unimportant problems and prioritize the important ones, putting everything in the order of importance, one-by-one. Then, you'll be amazed at how clear it all becomes. You'll feel better and you will wonder how it all happened. Good Luck.

crissyhas4, I highly admire all you did for your Dad! Why havent you seen him, thats what I dont understand. Please go visit him and hug and hold his hand as much as you can, they dont have time for that in nursing homes. My Mom is with me and just being there holding her hand is crucial. Imagine if you were alone and afraid and didnt know anyone, a hand to hold, someone to hug, is what you need, and so does he. I think you both need eachother to heal. I have a friend who wont visit pets at the shelters because its too sad, well it is, but if we dont go love them up, who will? Hang in there xoxo

chrissyhas4, it does sound like your are mourning the loss of your father before his death. I understand. You made a promise to your dad when both you and he were healthier, but things have changed that made keeping that promise not possible anymore. I believe that you can forgive yourself for you have not done anything to be guilty of. Your emotional health sounds like you need more than just meds, but could benefit from talking with a therapist. Are you feeling abandoned by your husband who is so busy with his work and your kids who are so busy with themselves? I get that impression from your description, but maybe I'm wrong. Prayer, love and hugs for you in your journey.

Most everyone here has had family member die. My dad is still alive, and i struggle with abandonment. I have been his caregiver for 16 of my 22 years of marriage and four children. Just recently i was urged to put my dad in a nursing home because of how fast his condition is going to decline. He has Super Nuclear Palsey on top of left brain injury from a stroke and is in kidney failure. I did everything for him from baths to doctor visit to physical therapy as well as taking him to dialysis 3 times a week. All the while raising my four children while my husband works. Before my dad lost his memory, i made him a promise. That i would never put him in a nursing home. And thats what i did and i cant forgive myself for that. I dont think ill ever be able to forgive myself. Now he has to be in a room with 2 others, because its unsafe for him to be alone, and he wonders where he is, where did i go, where did everyone go? Im an only child and it only took ten years after i moved out, that he was back with me because of his stroke. Hes been gone for two years now and its been 6 months since ive seen him and it breaks my heart to see him and breaks my heart when i cant bring myself to go see him. I dont want to leave him there. He looks at me while im leaving and just goes to sleep. So i walk to my van and sob until i cant cry anymore. My husband is busy with his job, and the kids are busy with themselves and school. I feel like i dont know who i am! My interest in eating is gone. I live on coffe and mountain dew. My body hurts all day. I ve had disk surgery in my neck, i have a torn rotar cuff. Im on depression meds, anxiety,panic attacks, and tacardia meds. Im strong in my faith and my friends from church are great. I feel like im mourning my father both mentally and physically, everyday.

I personally will deal with life after care giving with absolute joy and celebration. First thing after 10 years in a cave, go on my dream vacation. I've earned it. Then school, then a new career. Then, my new, wonderfully delicious FREE life begins. Amen to that!

I agree with cmagnum that drug and talk therapy may be appropriate at this time. Not because there is anything wrong with you -- grieving over losses is perfectly appropriate -- but because this is a very difficult journey you are on and you deserve all the help you can get.

My husband was diagnosed in 2003 and died two weeks ago. A book that comforted me a lot is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia," by Pauline Boss. She explains the concept of "ambiguous loss" -- where the loved one is still here but is also "gone." She says that grieving along the way as each loss occurs is normal and healthy. Surely placing your husband in a care center is a huge loss (even though It was in his best interest) and of course you are mourning that loss. Don't be hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is NOT psychotic and I only suggest medical/counselling help to get you through this very natural but painful phenomenon. It can help you, too, with moving forward and reclaiming your life while continuing to care for and advocate for your husband.

My heart goes out to you. Please accept my hugs and warm wishes.

Your anticipatory grief sounds extremely painful and it tends to be more depressing as well. In order to go on with your life, I seriously thing you need a basic anti-depressant from your doctor. You also sound like you need the supportive ear of a therapist who can help you walk through the stages of grief and gain the strength to make a new life.

I have been a caregiver of my husband since he was diagnosed with alz in 2007. He recently entered assisted living. I feel like I am loosing him aliitle each day. A very long and slow death. It is devastating . Our friends have disappeared and I basically have no life. How do I go on with my life or even try to make a new one. I am so depressed, I don't know where to turn. I am crying at the drop of a hat and I am so emotional most of the time. I need someone to just care

After one of my friends lost her mother who had been in a nursing home less than a year, she said something that I can identify with. She said that she's cried all the tears that could be cried already. I think I will feel the same way one day, and that will be a step forward in my healing. It's just so hard. One would think that some of us caregivers would be relieved of not having to be caregivers any longer, but for some of us who miss our loved ones and hate to see their decline, it is so painful to move forward. Thanks for sharing and listening.

Thank you for the reminder to get out and to be kind to myself. I do on occasion, but not often enough. What you have shared is very helpful to me, picture.

I surely understand your pain. I have been feeling it right now, while getting work done around my home. I am on to a bike ride in 2 hours with a group I joined and then we get a bite to eat. So wonderful to just get out with others and do something not thinking, fun, physical and to laugh a lot!! I can't wait. I have have to push my guilt of not seeing my mom the past few days aside. I have to understand how much I do and have done. I have to work to be kind to myself. Jeeze...I'm pooped just trying figure that out!

I am dealing with painful emotions of my mother being in a nursing home this year. I have waves of emotions that remind me of both my mother and father, both of whom I love dearly even though my father has been dead for a number of years. Our family has always been close and I just can't imagine life without both of them. I know it takes getting used to, but the nursing home just seems to make it harder because the nursing home is just a warehouse for some elders who die a slow death. That makes it very painful to me. I want to feel normal again and regain my appetite. I guess it just takes time.

puckmomma,
Thank you for your concern, but you may have not read my earlier posts to the original poster (who I am not) that I am well and living my life after all of these years. I do not have to clean out or part with anything that I do not want to or that I do not feel spiritually ready to let go off. It has nothing to do with healing or not healing. It is a memorial in its own right. It was a guest room before and it has been after. It is even my craft/overflow room, yet there are items in there that will always remind me of her and our precious time together. Many of the items charity would not accept - they are personal care items like the wool heel protectors she was wearing the last few weeks or her beautiful hair that I ask her to save for me when it fell out after her brain radiation treatments. She still had her long dark brown hair even into her 70's. I am not in any pain from her death. She would understand more than anyone about holding onto some things as I mentioned how she also held onto things from her parents for the rest of her life.

Just as when a mother loses a baby (before or after a birth), she should be the one who decides if and when to give or put the baby's things away or change the room, a caregiver has the right to determine when the time has come if it ever does to change.

I am sorry about your mom and what you have had to face. I wish you and your family the best.

I didn't lose my mom but when her health was failing the doctor told us that she may have to go to hospice. My sis and I were basically planning a funeral, I cried and cried, and my children who are 6 and4 and 12 didn't know how to help me. I had to be strong. So when her vitals did finally improve I was told I could not care for her anymore. That is equally heartbreaking, and life after caregiveing is very hard.

But It does need to get done. If you read any of my posts I always talk of my coffee pot. It was always in the dining room because that is where she would make coffee, she is wheelchair bound and our kitchen is very small. so when it was time to move on, my husband cleaned her corner about a month after she was in the hospital on recovery road. I cried and cried.
So I guess I'm saying I understand how everyone feels, You do unfortuantly need to clear that room out. It will help you heal, charity is great for those items that have no sentimental value and Keeping a couple of things is ok too. but after 9+years you owe it to yourself to move on and heal. She does'nt want to see you in pain of her death, she would want you to live but not forget her.

And when that room is clean I found painting or changing the wall paper helps too. My 12yr old has my moms room and that is a fitting tribute seeing as how they are so close. I said that change is hard, and keep tissues at hand but I have faith that you can clean it up and move on with love and not regret or remorse.
I wish the best for you and this site is here for you always, we all understand you are not alone.

I still have one of Mom's robes, unwashed.

Thank you for your advice ,Kitty. I was feeling guilty for not clearing stuff away. I still get weepy going into her room. My daughter is coming down in August and hopefully can help me take care of most of the things. You are right, parting with a loved ones treasures will be very hard. I made the area outside of her room a beautiful garden so it is a pleasant room. It would be good for a guest room. Thank you for the good advice.

pltrickey,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. I still have a lot of things in my mom's "room," which is our guest room. It has been 9 1/2 years. I did clean out some things and gave some special items to her friends and family within the first year of her death, but for the most part cannot seem to depart with the rest just yet - though I am doing a really good spring cleaning of the house and have though about cleaning out a lot more. I will see how I feel once I get to that room.

My mom kept her father's Irish sweater for the rest of her life which was almost 40 years after he died. She had other keepsakes as well from him and her mother who had been deceased for over 50 years. She even kept their home place and would go mow the yard during the summer.

So definitely take your time and do things when you are ready and not when others are telling you to do them. Best to you.

Hi, I am in that "life after care giving" phase.I cared for my mother for 8 years. She passed on May 12th. The last month, actually the last two weeks were extremely rough. My husband and I went away for a while and just relaxed, walked, visited friends, and tried to rest up. I still have times where I feel very very sad but that is to be expected. I haven't finished clearing out my mom's room. That seems to be very hard for me but I can take my time. Now I have more time for my husband and for myself. That is the main thing right now. I plan to do some volunteering to meet new people and to get back into the social networking. Working with older needy people is not on my list right now. I do help feed the needy and am doing more at my church. Jumping into too many things would be too much after such an intense time care giving.

"Picture" : You seem like a great Caregiver. It's very unfortunate that your husband has bladder cancer.....whatever home therapy that entails. I assume he's not in the hospital. I like the fact that you know when your time comes, someone will be there for you.

Dear Miz, I understand the struggle to start your own life again after caregiving. I just has to remove my father as my son's emergency contact for school since Dad has passed away. It hurt so much. I am concerned about your need for a job and had a suggestion. Would you consider working as a sitter for someone who is elderly or for a family who needs respite care? If not, would you consider working with children? You have so many skills that could help either group of people. You will be in my prayers. It's a tough road, isn't it? Rebecca

I am very lucky that she has the funds to be in an assisted living home. She is now in the memory ward. I had her with me before that and it was most difficult as she constantly was walking without her walker so the stress of constant attention was putting me into deep depression. I could not do enough for her care. She now has a "team" looking after her. I visit, closely monitor their care, very vigilant. We are working in a Montessori type activities with her, (went to Toys R Us to the learning section, wood block train, wood puzzles with animal sounds etc.) but here at this stage and age it is all regressive, never progressive. It took 4 homes over the past 2 years to get the right place. I have always had Home Health Care nurses that come out - they do physical therapy, X-rays right in your home or facility, nursing. Now Hospice is coming out helping. Not end of life, but for those who meet a certain criteria, unable to walk, need help toileting, washing, etc. They even brought in a small electric be to be lower so mom can't get up out of bed easily at night and if she does fall it is much closer to the ground. They brought in a wheelchair so I can cancel the rental we have. A nurse comes once a week for personal check ups, (already have 3 in the home facility) a volunteer comes out 1-2 times a week to work with her with the wooden learning child activities I bought for her to use, and to make sure she is eating and they help her do so if needed. This is all the stuff I do with her, but now others are involved so I am utterly grateful. I cannot give my life to my mom, this is her journey. I will also have mine when I am older. But I will make sure her care is the best we can provide and I am there for her, but I am learning to not ruin my own well being. My husband has bladder cancer so he is most important. But if I do not keep myself healthy mentally and physically, then I will fail myself and them.
We are now working with an Elder Lawyer to protect her assets and get her on medicaid. She need her assets to pay for what medicaid does not.
So when overwhelmed, as this is all continuing to eat up my life and ruin my business, I jump on my bike out on the trail and RIDE!

Good for you, "picture"....glad that you found a lifesaver. Who takes care of your mother when you are out biking, etc.?
Just curious...

My mother is in rather bad condition. My solution to the sadness is to join in with other people to go and do some fun life activites! This has been a life savor for me. I went to meetup.com and I plug in my city and any activites I enjoy or would like to try to do. Anything, there is a group of great people in your area doing it! I bicycle, kayak, take walks, dog people groups, eat out, do photography, go to free outdoor concerts with my group who now are my friends. And it does not cost. And amazingly to me, since they are mostly around my age, they have been or are going through caring for their ailing parents! This has been a life saver for me, to be with other people, not alone and have made wonderful friends!
Good luck!

Miz - you are right - there are lots of us out here, moving on as best we can after the demands of Caregiving. We gave the best we could at the time, and when you are exhausted, sleep deprived and emotionally drained your best may be less than you long for it to be - but it IS still your best, given the circumstances. Remember that. And after the need for that caring has passed, you need to allow yourself some of that love and care so that you can regenerate, grow from your insight and experience and move on forwards - there WILL be something there for you - be patient - and keep your eyes and your heart open! There may be a job, or new friends, beautiful flowers, a flying bird or occasional sunny days. See it - love it - hold it in your heart - share it. Be gentle with yourself. Moving forward takes time, and energy. Be your own best friend, love yourself and then others can love you too. x

It will be 9 1/2 years on the 18th of this month since I lost my mom. I had taken care of her off and on for several years starting when I was in college and then for the last 2 1/2 year of her life most of which she was totally bed bound. She would be 86 1/2 if she were still a life. I had to go back to work 6 weeks after she died and then my husband was laid off 2 weeks after that. He was also diagnosed with a benign tumor and had surgery by the end of that year. In some ways I was relieved, numb, and had other responsibilities to keep me busy, but I still allowed myself time to grieve and journal. But I would say about 8 months after she died was when I experienced a real hard time and it seemed the depression starting hitting more intensely and some anger, too. Unfortunately, many outside of my immediate circle thought I should be over it by now and were actually hurtful and rather invalidating.

I can stay 9 1/2 years later that much water has passed under the bridge (one of mom's favorite sayings) and that even though I go through some moments of sadness and tears or longing for her to still be apart of my life, I am alright and at peace. My mom, who was 24 when her mother died of cancer, used to tell me that time does make it seem less intense. I am not for sure if everyone experiences this because we all grieve differently, but I have found it to be the case for me.

Your loss is still very new. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be over it yet - you never will be over it. Definitely try to live the phrase "take it one day at a time" or even one moment at a time as sometimes that is all you will be able to do. It will take time to get on with a "new" normal life for yourself, but you will always be aware of the loss of the most important woman in your life. Even today I am very aware that my mother is dead as well as my dad and 8 of my children. It is apart of who I am and I am aware of them in a different way than when they were alive. This awareness has been a comfort to me. I wish you peace and comfort, too.

Miz, I can totally relate to you. Although I've never been a depressed person in the past, caring for my husbands grandmother full time with no help for the last 3 years has certainly made me a depressed person. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed just about every waking moment. I can honestly say that lots of times I just want to crawl out of my skin because I really dislike how I feel. What I try to do to get out of my funks is to just say "ok, what is it that I am afraid of?" and I go out and just do it. If my girlfriends invite me for coffee but I really really don't feel like it and I don't feel like showering or getting ready or looking nice or wearing heels that is exactly what I do. Your motto for life needs to be, "just do it". Once you start to actually do those things you really don't want to you will see that you were glad you did them. Just take it one day at a time. Good luck.