Last year I tried to actively intervene for my concerns regarding my mother's care knowing what she wanted but what my brother, the primary caregiver, appeared to ignore. After pursuing a number of attempts I stopped before I went on the legal route due to financial and emotional concerns. My brother continues to control everything about our mother's care having her cut me off of the list to contact medical information to cutting off any means of my ability to communicate with her. He then had her evaluated for dementia which at this point is only short term dementia but is able to carry on a cogent conversation with family and friends. So now he controls even her own medical decisions. Looking back maybe I wasn't forward looking (which one of my other brothers would say) to see that my brother would make things worse for me. It appears to me that he isn't as concerned about our mother's needs as he is the one who determines what is best for her without consulting our mother. So now my therapist says I'm off the hook for any responsibility for my mother. BUT this is hard for me to work through as my mother is still living and it's important for me to connect with her as she lives the rest of her life.
So letting go of this toxic situation means almost no contact with my mother. Any POSITIVE thoughts or suggestions? Thanks
If you read the previous responses to ShirleyDot, Geaton77 and SnoppyLove you'll see what I wrote in response to their comments and will clarify your questions.
One thing I didn't say is that our mother lives in our childhood home in northern WI. My older brother now is the full owner of the LLC meaning the house which makes it his responsibility but our mother has the right to live there as long as she can or dies.
Bottom line: Letting go my brother's toxic attitude and actions is one thing but letting go my very limited contact with my mother is the hard part.
Just to get a sense of the family dynamics— you mention another brother. Are the other sibling/s also being blocked from having any sort of contact with your mother?
I have to two other living brothers. One has some contact with our brother and the other brother is cut off like myself.
As I said before: Letting go my brother's toxic attitude is one thing but letting go my very limited contact with my mother is the hard part.
Have you offered to have supervised visits with a promise to refrain from interferring with the PoA's decisions?
If your brother is NOT the PoA nor guardian, then you have the legal ability to fight to become her guardian and be the decision-maker.
Read my response to ShirleyDot and maybe you can understand my concern. As I said at the very end: Letting go my brother's toxic attitude and actions is one thing but letting go my very limited contact with my mother is the hard part.
Try looking at this from his perspective: he is doing all the labor and getting nothing but grief from you. It is always easy to criticize. Maybe you don't agree with all of his decisions, but if you try approaching him was gratitude or even just acknowledging his work, he might be more generous with giving you access to your mother.
He had our mother sign me off the contact list for medical input with the doctor while he was present. The doctor asked if my mother understood but what was she to say with my brother in the room? Later when I talked to her she said to me "you can still call the doctor" not fully understanding what she did.
I have told him many times that I'm thankful that he's caring for our mother. He has not been willing to talk with me but yell, shout, and attack me verbally.
The bottom line is that he has cut me off from any chance for me to be part of our mother's care out of anger over childhood issues and his dysfunction.
Letting go my brother's toxic attitude and actions is one thing but letting go my very limited contact with my mother is the hard part.
As long as our mother insists on dying in her own home (and our childhood home) she lets our brother decide things for her even if she would like something.
I think you are feeling that your mother doesn’t love you as much as your brother because she made him her primary caregiver and not you. She had her reasons, just respect them.
Finally, do not give your brother any money to care for your mother. If money is needed, house and property will need to be sold to pay for it and she will need to live someplace else.
I am sorry for your situation and I hope you see your way through this ordeal without it destroying you emotionally.
The bottom line is our mother wants to die in her own house. Because of this she doesn't express what she wants to my brother or if she does rarely say anything he pushes it aside and does what he wants.
And yes, I'm working with a therapist on attachments issues I have.
There is a long history of family dysfunction concerning my brother who is the caregiver. He has little by little taken over control of the house and since our mother lives there he is now her primary caregiver. I do thank my brother as often as possible for his care for our mother though I don't always agree with him. For example, I was giving my mother cottage cheese and peaches which she enjoys. And he came in and started shouting at me and later my Mom that he was the ONLY one who can give her anything to eat.
Since I don't live in the same state as our mother I can't at this point move back home to be closer to her. BUT I did enjoy talking and seeing her over the Alexa machine. So now my brother decided to take it out even though she wanted to be able to use it to connect with me and another brother and his family.
It comes down to the bottom line that my Mom wants to die in her own house so other options offered her do not work. I had hoped to connect with her on a more frequent basis since she doesn't use any phone or do email.