Letter from lawyer from uncle accusing us of preventing him from seeing his mother during COVID-19. Advice?

If your Grandma is at all lucid at 102 I would think that she might want to see her children. Just my guess. I think that Covid, were she to get it would take her very quickly, but anything might at this age. I don't know if you can refuse someone coming into your home with this fragile elder. I would call your local health department and get their suggestions. I wouldn't worry about the lawyer letter. These days anyone can get an acquaintance to write one, and it doesn't mean a thing. No one is going to be stupid enough to attempt to sue someone trying to protect a 102 year old from covid.

They are allowing nursing home visits here but they need to be outdoors, masked and distanced, if your uncle is willing to abide by those stipulations then I would let him come.

At any point did anyone ever ask your grandmother what she wants? Because a lot of elders were forced in to isolation by well meaning family members. And many do not want to live the rest of their days in isolation without ever seeing their family again. In fact the isolation is causing many of them decline.

Please allow your uncle to see his mother. At 102 she could go almost anytime. Why prevent him from seeing his mother at this point. He just needs to take the necessary precautions. I would not wait until COVID dies down, it could last for a very long time. I allowed my brother to see our 97 year old mother recently. He worn a mask and kept his distance 6ft.

You need to let him see his mother.

Swint, I don't personally fear covid because I believe that social distancing, wearing a mask and most importantly hand washing protects us.

Stress and fear destroy your immune system, so I would not personally recommend living in a bubble with those emotions as your constant companion.

Every single time anyone in your family goes out the front door you risk bringing the virus back through the door with you. Are you saying that none of you leave the house or bring anything from the outside in?

Your answers sound more like there is a great dislike of this uncle/brother than protecting grandma. Perhaps you would get better answers if you gave us the real story instead of the covid cover.

Anyone can get a lawyer (or someone pretending to be a lawyer) to send a letter just to see if it has any affect on the situation. If the attorney really thought he could enforce any action, he/she'd call you on the phone instead of writing a letter. Unless it appears that your grandmother is in imminent danger of expiring (though at 102 it's hard to tell), and it's necessary to try to get all the family in to see her before this occurs then you and your mom are correct to be concerned about restricting her visitors and the number of people who come into the house for the health and safety of all of you. Since your mom is the POA and it sounds like her primary caregiver, she is the decision-maker. I do not believe that an attorney can make her allow a potentially hazardous and life-threatening situation to occur that impacts all of you but your grandmother especially due to her age and fragile health status. I don't know why they'd risk their own and their family's health and safety to visit at this, the worst of all times. Not sure what state you're in. I live in CT and anyone flying in from another state has to be under quarantine for 14 days before they can be out and about. Do they have the funds to pay for a hotel, meals,... for 2 weeks before they could even begin to think about seeing your grandmother? I think the bottom line is, if your mother owns the house, has been the primary caretaker, and most importantly, is your grandmother's power of attorney, the rest of the family is S.O.L. until the pandemic is under much better control. If you're truly worried, you can consult with an elder law attorney.

Let him see his mom, I am sure that is what she would want.

The part of this that bothers me is that he wants unsupervised visits. How many times on this forum have you read that someone showed up and suddenly the POAs have been changed and chaos ensued. I say stick to your plans and don't let him visit. If you let him come, NO unsupervised time.

I don't think a visit is out of the question. Wash hands, disinfect, wear a mask and stay six feet apart. The part that DOES bother me is the son asking for unsupervised visits. That raises a red flag. Our mother is elderly and dealing with dementia. Family have and do visit, with proper precautions. No one has asked for the visit to be unsupervised. No one cares if they are supervised or not. Nothing to hide and no ulterior motives. Simply asking for it raises red flags.

Given that according to swint2002 she is bed bound any visit will of necessity take place within the home that I have to assume is shared at least partially by the OP's family, who have all been going to extraordinary lengths to keep grandmother and themselves safe. I do think it should still be possible to have a safe visit if there can be an agreement about the terms - at minimum uncle and cousin should agree to wash/sanitize, mask and not make physical contact, if they are willing to self isolate for 2 weeks before the visit or get tested once they arrive even better. There is no way I would agree to leave the house, retreating to another room to give them some privacy should be sufficient.
We are learning more each day about how this disease is transmitted and it is not a given that two people who share the same space will necessarily pass the virus between them, or even that a frail 102 year old will die once infected (god forbid).

AgingInPlaceLLC, I have to strongly disagree with you about your quoted statement:

"Anyone can get a lawyer (or someone pretending to be a lawyer) to send a letter just to see if it has any affect on the situation. If the attorney really thought he could enforce any action, he/she'd call you on the phone instead of writing a letter."

This isn't true.    Responsible attorneys do not engage in these kinds of tactics.    Some attorneys aren't reputable, especially if they're not good attorneys and need money and gullible clients, but still, they have to worry about reputations and legality of actions.   Sending "test" letters isn't anything I've seen done in decades of legal work.

I also disagree with the concept of literally testing to determine effect.   Attorneys plan their course of action before initiating it, with primary, secondary and following courses of actions. 

Introductory letters can be followed up phone calls, but calling first is just not something that's likely to be done.    CYA and documentation are important aspects to potentially contested actions, and documentation means in writing, not by a phone call.

And by the way, "pretending to be a lawyer" is likely actionable under state laws, or at least by the State Bar.

Your grandmother is 102 years old. Her remaining time on earth is limited as it is, let's face it. Let her see her family, unsupervised, without interference of any kind! If she gets the virus, so be it. When God is ready for her, she will pass on to be with Him, with or without you trying to prevent it. Covid HAS died down now........and isn't going to just magically disappear, but integrate itself into our lives as all the rest of the flu and other viruses have done and will continue to do. What are we supposed to do..........hide out forever b/c we may get sick? While we're hiding out from covid19 we may wind up getting the flu which can kill us. Or we may get run over by a car or shot by a rioter. Live life and allow grandma to live what's left of hers!

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but going to THIS level to protect a 102 year old woman is a bit extreme, in my opinion. It's more important for your grandmother to feel the love and closeness of her family than it is for her to be exposed to germs.

Best of luck!

Many years ago when I was a single mother, I received a similar letter in regards to my son.

I replied in writing listing the ways I was facilitating access and that it was reasonable in the circumstances. I also listed the times the Dad had not taken advantage of his visitation times.

For OP, reply to the letter in writing. State that you would welcome phone calls or FaceTime visits between your Uncle and his mother. If you have suggested these in the past, record the dates you made the suggestions. If you made these suggestions via email, then include copies of the emails. Include your local state guidelines regarding reducing the spread of Covid-19 and report how your household is adhering to them to protect your grandmother.

Let the lawyer know that your grandmother is bed bound and unable to speak very well. Let him know that family is in attendance 24/7 to see to her needs and list those needs, from top to tail. Make it clear that a family member has to be available and within hearing range to meet her needs.

Lastly, talk to grandma's doctor or your local health authority and ask for guidance in how it could be possible to make a visit safe and possible. If Uncle is coming from another state, what are the isolation rules for state to state travel? As he would have to enter your home, what safety precautions does he need to take? Add this information to the letter you send the lawyer.

The reply will be from the point of view that you have been following state and local health authorities guidelines to keep Grandma safe. You have offered remote visits, phone and FaceTime, and are not being unreasonable. You will present documents from the local and state authorities, so your Uncle cannot complain that you are making up safety precautions. You reiterate that Grandma needs 24/7 care and Uncle is not experienced in providing this care, as grandma is not able to verbalize her needs, family have to be close by to assess her needs.

Send your reply by registered mail to the lawyer, not your Uncle. The lawyer only knows what your Uncle has told him. He also cannot force you to act in a way that compromises your grandmother's health and safety or goes against state and local health authorities guidelines.

Now having said all that, start to think about how you can facilitate a visit. Does Grandma's bedroom have a ground floor window, where they can do a window visit? Is there another room in the home where this could happen? Can she get into a wheelchair? Can you facilitate a visit at a distance outside?

Lastly, keep in mind she will die sooner than later. People are still dying on things not related to Covid-19.

I don’t see any reason why family can’t see 102 year old grandma and practice social distancing. Have grandma wear a mask and have family wear a mask. Stay 6 feet apart from each other. Why does it have to be a supervised visit?

From your profile, it sounds as though your grandma is still living in her own home. Is that correct? Are you concerned about valuables being taken? Are you concerned that she will get agitated or confused?

Do not ignore the letter. Rather, your mother should consider writing back to the lawyer with one simple offer of compromise: to do regular Facetime chats between your grandmother and your uncle (his "client"). She should also provide the attorney with a copy of her durable POA. That will put the lawyer on notice that, if his client has any funny business in mind, he and his client will be in a world of trouble.

If your mother is mpoa and poa then she is the legal authority. Your uncle can climb the uphill legal battle to challenge it, but why. If visitation can happen by video or from outside looking in or with a negative test prior to a visit, these accommodations sound reasonable. I have trouble with the unsupervised issue. Primary caregivers should be able to call the shots since they took on the responsibility. Like it or not.

It sounds like a power issue or conflict around rights. A lot of that going on these days. Another added dilemma to end of life with dysfunctional families.
I can relate. I invited family members into the backyard for visits and agreed to video visits on not zoom but another platform. Certain ones became accusatory and requested that I not participate in the visits. I experienced personal low blows and verbal bullying. Not sure any of this was necessary. Anyway, I felt something legal might arise too but all you can really do is make sure you all are doing what's best under the circumstance. If your uncle's intention is to have closure then there should be a way for a visit. If it's a power play then call it that. A visit may not be completely private as he wishes but a compromise at the very least.

Good luck to us all that have to deal with troubles with social support. Thank you for taking care of your grandmother.