My 92 year old mom with dementia was recently hospitalized for two weeks, then lived with us for a month before being placed into a memory care assisted living. She can no longer live alone safely. She is adjusting slowly to her new place, but she continues to ask to go to her home which she lived in for 65 years. She hasn't been there now for about six weeks. We will be selling the house within the next few months so it already looks different than it did when she lived there. It breaks my heart that she will never return there or live there again. I know it is best NOT to take her there again, but wondering what others have done in their situation.
"I know it is best NOT to take her there again, but wondering what others have done in their situation."
In my humble opinion you just answered your own question.
When she is more adjusted to her situation help her make a scrapbook of memories around this home.
I think it is clear from what she is saying that she is not saying "Can we walk through one more time so I can say goodbye", (for to ME, our homes are almost sentient beings). What she is saying is she wants to go home. And that can't happen.
It's heartbreaking, isn't it. And it is worth grieving, so allow her that and be honest with her.
Asking to "go home" is a very common dementia behavior and they are really thinking "home" is their childhood home.
My (now deceased) Aunt lived in her own home and had adv dementia. Every afternoon like clockwork she'd start getting agitated and wanting to "go home". Even though she was sitting in the house that she'd been in since 1975.
My MIL has short -term memory impairment and was transitioned into AL. We handled downsizing her home ourselves. She asked to go see it (it was empty and in foreclosure). Since it was in foreclosure and she no longer had ownership of it we told her no (and there was no real point to just "drive past" it). It would only serve to make her sad all over again. She kept asking for a while and we just kept making a reason to not do it (therapeutic fibs, redirect the conversation or distract her). Also, she was barely mobile and overweight and just the effort to get her into the van was a deterrent. There was just no upside of taking her... it wasn't going to help her "process" anything emotionally since her memory problem would prevent her from doing this. It would just be Groundhog's Day.
Because dementia robs folks of their short term memory first, all that remains is their long term when they were much younger. And so it makes great sense that one would want to go back to their childhood home.
So I would leave well enough alone and when she brings up wanting to go home, you can tell her any kind of little fiblet, like the house is getting some work done and that you'll let her know when it's finished, or just try and redirect as in changing the subject.
I know that nostalgic feeling. It always reminds me of the play and movie “Trip to Blessing” by Horton Foote and the great gospel singer Cynthia Clawson who sang “Softly and Tenderly” in the movie version.
It’s a bitter sweet proposition that only you can decide for you and your mom. We have in life a few times where we know in advance this will be the last time. Regardless of life being full of losses we also can find great joy in a bowl of vanilla ice cream and as much as I promise it will be the last time, here we are again.
Hugs to you DaughterJ57, you have a tender heart.
In your heart and your mind you KNOW the answer to this.
Taking her to see the old house is not a good idea.
So what happens if you do bring her by.
Will she be happy just driving by? Probably not.
What will you tell her each and every time you go to visit and she wants to go "home" what will you tell her.
What happens when you drive by and find the house torn down and a new one being built?
it's a complete sentence and often a very powerful one.
Here is the thing. She has dementia. You are assuming that she means that she wants to visit the home she live in for 65 years - maybe a safe assumption. Maybe not. Maybe she frames it that way even.
But she may be talking about her childhood home. She may be talking about her happy place.
There is no guarantee - with dementia - that she means a specifically reference home.
AND there is a significant chance that see it may upset her. Or she may not remember certain things. Or only bad things. Or the changes will upset her.
There are too many variables that can cause problems for everyone.
Memories are important to us, but not so much to them. They live in the Now. Occasionally the Now produces ice cream, and that's all they need to know in the Now.
1: you might have difficulty taking her back to the AL/MC which will cause stress and resentment on her part.
2: As many mentioned here the "home" she is referring to might not be the house you will be selling.
3: She may not fully comprehend or remember the significance of the visit, which could lead to confusion or stress
4: Consider how your mom might emotionally react to visiting their old house. It could evoke positive memories and feelings of nostalgia, or it could trigger sadness or agitation if they struggle to recognize the surroundings.
If you do decide to go ahead with the visit, make sure you have a strong support system in place to assist your mom and manage any potential challenges that may arise.
Best wishes.
Shouldn't make it a big deal. Dementia doesn't do well with big deals.
Use YOUR brain to make it simple.
They are scared, confused, want what is familiar (if they remember).
The worse a person / family member could do is bring up these memories / desires by bringing their loved one 'back' for a visit.
Yes, use YOUR brain. Which means understanding how the brain chemistry changes when a person has dementia.
Possibly distract her with family photos taken during good times at the house.
Take care!
I also think it will cause her to take steps back in her adjustment . She may always ask to go home whether you took her once or not . I brought things in a box a few times for my mother to choose from to put in her room .
This is exactly what we want to avoid.
No pictures (of the house).
Just photos of the family.
The nurse is at the assisted living told me a story of one family that takes their loved one by the house. Whenever he asks. Then they bring him back to the assisted living and he starts lashing out at everybody. I certainly wouldn't want to do that to the people that are caring for my mother.
Its nice if some of you have had A positive experience, But its not happening on this end..
Even if we COULD have taken him out - we would not have done it. He was a "flight" risk - meaning if we had taken him out ourselves, he would have dug in and refused to return. He only left the facility with facility transportation and CNAs. We met him at Dr. appts if needed.
That would have been pure insanity and just asking for issues.
My mother’s facility would take residents on “ Country Rides “. The activities dept had a new employee who took a group of 3-4 women one day , my mother being one of them . According to the facility one of the other residents asked to drive by her old home. The driver obliged. Then my mother asked to drive by her home . My mother was not aware that I had put the home on the market and the realtor sale sign was put up just an hour before my mother rode to her house . Apparently my mother went off the “ deep end “ when she saw the sign on the lawn . I was not given any other details other than it was really bad and the new employee was quite shaken up . I can only imagine that my mother probably tried to get out of the car . It was a sedan . Then when back at the facility , my mother proceeded to call 911 from the facility about her house being stolen by her daughter .
It never occurred to me that the AL facility would drive people pass their houses , which in my opinion was dumb given that a lot of the residents had dementia . Apparently it wasn’t something they normally do . The new employee fell for this . My DH says my mother hijacked the Country Ride.
I'm surprised that people think it's a bad idea.
I think you should tell her that you are selling it.
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No. It will bring up pain and sadness/grief, confusion, frustration and possibly anger. Check out Teepa Snow's website. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and how to interact / communicate, and understand the changing brain. I took her webinars for 1-1/2 years.
She has written many books, has You Tubes.
She is a master and you will learn a lot.
In time, your mom will adjust to where she is now.
It is good that you know what to do and looking for support and feedback.
Perhaps you can tell her "Once you settle in,' we can go back for a visit.
With time, she will forget. In the meantime, you are giving her a bit of peace (of mind). The goal is to keep her calm as possible. This may help.
When dealing with dementia the (definition of) truth is what provides as much calmness as possible in the moment.
Agree with her, do not argue.
Give her hope in the moment.
Hold her hand and tell her you understand.
Smile, tell her you love her.
Gena / Touch Matters
Prior to the move, she was rifling through stuff and tossing things out saying that these things were no longer needed. It was no longer wise to let her have money since she couldn't remember where she put it and claimed the caregivers stole it (they didn't).
After she moved, we needed to clean out her condo because it was going to be rented.
About 6 months later, my sister took her back. However, the look inside the condo was significantly changed as we had moved things around. Nothing looked the same. Pictures still were in the same place, but the furniture was moved. My sister sat down and went through a little bit of her stuff with her so that my Mom could say who to disposition some of the goods to. After the end of the visit, my sister says my Mom was glad to leave.
About 1 month later, my Mom asked me to take her back. By this time, everything was out of the condo. I warned my Mom that everything was gone, and she understood. She went to the condo, opened up drawers and cabinets, and looked into closets, then said she was ready to leave. Her comment to me was "you found it all, it is ready for renters".
She never asked to go back again. She would ask me from time to time whether we had renters in there and I told her yes. The visit provided closure for her.
I'd do it again under the same circumstances.