Let it go and let God?
At what point can you feasibly say, “Let it go and let God?” Some background on this question…
Dad isn’t taking his medication correctly, on purpose. He’s been picking and choosing which ones he doesn’t want to take after I’ve arranged them in his Pill Caddy. He literally doesn't know what that specific medication is for. I call Dad 3 times a day to get him to take his and give my mother hers. A lot of the time she doesn’t get her morning meds. Also, he lies to me incessantly and I know when he’s lying. I also know he’s drinking alcohol with the boys down at the legion when I tell him time and time again it doesn’t mix well with his medications and he’s only hurting himself. He complains when I call for them to take the meds, callin me bad names such as “you are the pill Gestapo” when all I am doing it caring for their well being.
They refuse to move in with us as I and my husband would like. Also, much, much more horrible dysfunction going on. This is affecting my health and well being. My mom had to go to ER last night due to being “stuck on toilet bowl.” She was sitting there too long and it rendered her legs too numb to even get up. I suspected dad drank beer yesterday and he acted very oblivious to the issues going on around him, ie… paramedics in the house. I was going to stay all night last night but realized I forgot my own medications so I had to come back home (45 mins away.) My husband has taken over decisions today as I am too scared to talk to my Dad for fear he will behave the way he did last night.
side note: I am terrified of him and my loved ones having bad cognitive issues. It’s hard for me to even say the dirty/horrible word of dementia.
That all being said… let go and let God? And to what end? And what about me? I feel trapped with hardly no help.
I've been a member for over forty years. There is no getting through to a practicing alcoholic. One thing I learned in Al-Anon is that we take our hands off other people's lives and let them deal with the consequences of their behavior.
There are telephone, Zoom and in person meetings. The best part about this program is that it is world wide.
Whatever you do, do not move in with your parents or take them in. Let them get the help from a social worker at the hospital who can get through the proper channels to help your parents.
Let me tell you something. I was a homecare worker for 25 years. Many times elderly parents have a hard time being told to do things by their kids and they will get stubborn and push back. That's when homecare can be a real lifesaver. You get an old-school CNA in there who doesn't take any senior crap and it will ease your mind because they will get it done.
As for when to 'Let Go, Let God' not yet. Try homecare for your mother at least first. If your father wants to be stubborn and not take his medications, let him. If he wants to go have a few at the Legion, let him. I'll tell you something though. You think he's oblivious to paramedics being in the house and all the problems with your mother. He's not. He's probably scared too. Like so many from his generation, they believe if they ignore something it fixes itself or goes away.
A CNA will take a more pleasant job available at other homes.
Stop trying to manage adults who do not wish to have your management. When they inevitably call you, tell them to call 911. Do not go to the ER. Let them deal with their decisions. Eventually APS will intervene, but it usually takes a lot for them to do so. Be patient. Tend to your self and your own spouse/family.
If you do the wise thing and step completely away and completely stop orbiting around them or intervening, then a permanent sustainable solution will become available. The more you insert yourself, the longer it takes.
So call them ASAP.
For instance, to all the problems you outlined in your post, add incontinence, which could evolve into carrying feces around with them, hiding them under their pillow, and smearing them on the walls. And wandering, oh boy. You've never seen dementia until one of your parents heads out the door without your knowing it and ends up in a hospital 12 miles away as a John Doe. Or mom hiding a butcher knife under the couch cushions. Or falling several times a day on multiple days, leaving blood on the walls. As the old saying goes, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
Moving them in with you is the absolutely worse most miserable dysfunctional looney crazy-making non-solution I've heard in the last couple of millennia. Don't. Plus once they're living in your home, you'll need nothing short of an exorcism to get them out.
Let go and let Assisted Living. God has thoughtfully provided such places where our loved ones can be safe and cared for by professionals who are well trained and know what they're doing. Good luck in finding one close to your home so you can visit as much as you like without sacrificing yourself to your parents' old age. Your husband would appreciate it as well because it's a well-known thing that when demented parents move in, marriage suffers. Please don't let that happen to yours! I wish you the best as you grapple with this problem.
Time to call APS and tell them the problem and tell them you cannot handle the problem and need their assessment as to whether this couple is competent in their own decisions or not. If not, suggest guardianship of the state.
It is quite impossible to take care of people who do not want your help.
So don't "let go and let god. If he's there he's quite busy". You remember that old thing about "The Lord helps those who help themselves". He gave us free will, it is said by believers. Free will means you make decisions in your own health and welfare and best interests.
If Dad doesn't want to pills, so be it. Why would you wish them on him? Doubt it will buy him more quality time, to be honest. Leave this couple be until they ask for your help. Then let them know if you can or cannot help them in the way they wish. And hand them to phone to make calls in their own behalf if you can't do it.
Again, incompetence means welfare check by APS. If competent, let them know they are on their own and you won't be mentioning pills again. And then don't.
My thoughts based on what you have written in your post are;
1. Stop trying to get them to move in with you. That has disaster written all over it. He doesn’t want your opinion and won’t follow your advice, all you will accomplish is ruining your peace at home.
2. Stop calling him and badgering him. It’s not working and it’s not going to start working.
3. Did your parents plan ahead and assign you or anyone else power of attorney? If not then leave well enough alone. If they have you need to read them and see what powers you have, and under what circumstances.
4. Update us if you like on what your mom’s issues are. Just so you know you can place one parent into care when needed without bankrupting the other parent.
5. Dementia isn’t a dirty word and it doesn’t say anything negative about the person who has it. It’s a disease, and not one they could have avoided.
For the love of God, do NOT move them into your house.
It sounds like your father is unable to safely take care of your mother's needs, as well as his own.
For me, personally, I would not worry so much about their medications, unless they could accidentally overdose or take a harmful medication. If they're not taking their blood pressure pills or something like that, I would just let it be.
But mom getting stuck on the toilet and having to go to ER is a problem! And a Wake-Up call! You may be afraid of dementia or cognitive decline, but it is unfortunately very common in our current elder population. You need to know (get a proper diagnosis) AND Learn how to deal with their particular condition.
If that makes you uncomfortable - You SHOULD NOT have your parents move in with you!
Really, your parents would be better served in assisted living. Are you prepared to bring all their problems into your home? Do you want this horrible dysfunction as you describe it, in your home? So you can remind them every day to take their medication, and hear Dad's argument and insults, and to tell him not to go out drinking, giving him one more thing to argue about? And don't take offense at the names your dad might call you. He just sounds like a guy who doesn't like someone telling him what to do.
You are trying too hard to control your parent's life and habits, because you are afraid of losing them. They are getting old, and they will decline, and one day, die. You can not stop that.
You can let them alone in their home until the next emergency call lands someone in the hospital, and from there, tell the doctor it is unsafe to discharge them home again. Start looking at assisted living units, including memory care, or even skilled nursing facilities. Skilled nursing facilities have much less privacy and independence for their residents, but offer more hands-on cares, if needed.
Maybe my question and details seemed like I was being harsh. I wasn’t. I am simply beaten down from lifelong dysfunction at the hands of my parents. I know a lot about dementia, all there is to know, and I know how I should behave, but my fear of it takes over. My grandmother died that way and I still have nightmares about the way she behaved, through no fault of her own, I am aware. I only want them to live with us because driving 45 minutes is getting to be too far for their issues. That would take a lot off my place as I’d be able to get them medicated safely as I’d be doing it. They hoarded the house so I can’t stay there, but they like their privacy and will not consider moving in with us, and dad is attached to his small town so he won’t consider moving 15 mins from us in a nice community we picked out that they can afford.
Either way, thank you for your answer. Appreciated.
Call APS . That’s all you can do .
It is very sad . But it’s next to impossible to deal with people like this especially when alcohol is involved . The alcoholism makes it very difficult for placement in a facility to happen .
Some situations do not have nice solutions or any solutions.
This may be one of those situations where you leave them to their own choice to rot at home .
I know it’s much easier said than done .
Perhaps speaking with a therapist would help you come to terms with this . You deserve to come out of this better .
A hard lesson I learned is that sometimes you have to just let them be who they are when people are that adamant . We can’t always protect them from themselves.
Also go to Al-Anon .