This may sound 'funny' but 'I'm going out' could, could, to an insecure person sound like 'I'm going out On A Date', lol. Maybe the 'white lie' of "I'm going to work" cuz usually no one goes to work with someone, AND like some comedians do, under their breath: 'I'm going to work (on my sanity), (on my fitness), (on my coffee habit), (on my sleep deficit). We all have lots of things we 'work' on; hopefully wife will be calmed by a 'common' activity like 'work.'
My Dad used to say "Have to go see a man about a dog". Might work as well as anything. But why not just say the usual "shopping, business, work". Likely nothing will make much of a difference if the problem is that she doesn't want you to leave. Not everything can be made perfect or even OK. Sometimes things just are what they are. Wishing you luck.
"Have to go see a man about a dog" means you have to go to the bathroom. His wife might think he has prostate issues if he's gone for four hours about that dog!
You're an adult and as suggested by BarbBrooklyn lower on the thread, "I'm going out" is reason enough. Is four hours a week the only respite you get out of the house? I truly hope not because that's not nearly enough.
Whatever you are doing is fine to say. Walking around a park, browsing a bookshop, visiting an old friend.
It is often fear behind any clingyness. So a firm, confident manner is good. "I'm going now. I will be back at X time".
Don't leave space for an inquisition - that leaves the potential she could join you. If you sound guilty for leaving, she may pick up on it.
The break is good for you AND her! She may not realise how - but it will help her too. You are her main caregiver. 4 short hours is essential for some solo recharge or down time.
Next time say. " It's ___ time, caregivers's name is here I will be back at ____ time" and walk out. Enjoy your much needed break. If there are questions about this when you get back say:
"It's none of your business" is a bit harsh. I would not like to get an answer like that. I went to the store. I went to get the mail. I went to get the car serviced. I went for a walk. I met John and we had a cup of coffee.
Dave, your wife has Alzheimer’s. Depending on how far along her condition is, she might not remember or make sense of your reasons. You just need to give her any reason that would pacify her at the moment you’re leaving. Or just slip out when she’s not paying attention.
”I’m not going anywhere, just to the John” ”It’s time to walk the dog.” ”Need to get something in the garage.” Etc.
It's hard, isn't it, when they want you to be there for them constantly? They are afraid of being alone, of being with someone they don't know well, of being in a different room, etc. I think if you're getting an inquisition give her a the most basic: "I need to run some errands to keep up the house/apt/bills/food supply/medications. I will be back later. Don't be afraid. You are safe." Then give her a hug and go. You need "alone" time to save your sanity.
I think you just need to do it and more of it. Hard fact, but she is going to be OK, but you need to be OK as well, it is important or perhaps even more important.
Agree with Avamar. The more times your wife spends with the sitter, the more comfortable she feels. So, if you can afford it, have the sitter come twice or three times a week.
I offered this suggestion to a friend who is having similar issues and she said it has made it easier.
Along with using other's suggestions of what to say, leave a loving message on a whiteboard along with reminding her the time you expect to be back. The caregiver can show her the message whenever questions come up about where you are or when you are returning. Even if your wife can no longer read, it may be calming for you to write the message in front of her and have the caregiver read it to her.
That is how I copied with Mother.. piece of paper with Father will be back at 5pm - in big letters. She kept asking, and asking, and asking. I kept pointing to the paper. I could NOT keep answering for 4 hours & keep my cool or sanity.
Please keep getting the time you need, to be away from this disease, and its demands. Our mom is very needy, always needs to be comforted and seems to have to have dad holding her hand, paying attention to her, at all times. He’a devoted to never leaving her side, even tho he is mobile and could easily go on a drive, out to his cabin with us. We’ve asked, no, ask again, no, no, no…..he just has to be with the caregiving sister, and his wife, our mom, and l don’t bother to ask anymore. It is between them. Their co dependency is unbreakable.
The one the elders lean on, needs a a break, but if that person insists on doing it all, and never getting a break, it’s so frustrating. Thank you for wanting your breaks, and understanding you need them. While I love my dad’s devotion, I miss him. I wish he could just enjoy a half day road trip, see the lake, drop a fishing line, but he can’t, and I accept it. Don’t discuss it at length, with your wife, brevity is best, follow the good advice you’ve been given, get a break, and take care of you, too.
Who is giving you a hard time about your going out for 4 hrs a week? Just your wife or are others as well. one thing to consider is to have one of your children, other relative or friends sit while the caregiver is there while you go out and start increasing the time you are away. It is most important to take care of yourself or soon there will be two of you needing help. Once your wife gets used to this than you can decrease the time someone else needs to be there with the caregiver. I presume your wife gets along with the caregiver and the latter is available to come more often. treat your wife when you go out just ass normal- let her know where you are going out and when you will be back. It may be a little difficult at first but be patient and consistent. I'm also hoping you and your wife have POAS {finances and health care]. If not. I encourage you to try and get those done with elder care attorney sooner rather than later. They will make your lives easier in the long term
Reciting the schedule to my mother only made her more anxious. I would tell her prior to leaving that so-and-so caregiver was coming and she would start up with the anxious questions - when are you coming back - how long will you be gone - when are you leaving - don't leave me by myself - who will be here with meeee??? - over and over and over. It would get so bad that I could hardly leave her side to get myself ready to go.
So I stopped telling her. Now, when the sitters arrive, I leave. No advance notification for my mother.
When I return I tell her nothing extra about where I've been other than that I bought her this-or-that at the grocery store, and would she like some?
On the rare occasion that she will ask me if I'm "going to work tomorrow" (I used to have a job I loved), the answer is no.
That is just what has worked for me. It's all been trial and error.
Timing is a significant factor. When you plan a specific outing for yourself, plan an event for your wife. I would go to memory care every morning, I would coax my mom out of bed “time to get up” “let’s go” “stand up” “etc”. Out of the bathroom she would look at me: “Where do I go?” Answer “down the hall to breakfast” But where are YOU going? and: “to work, I gotta leave” Pause. WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK? (worried) Ans: TOMORROW I will be back tomorrow same time. BUT WHAT WILL INDO? Ans: Gotta go and as soon as she would turn to go down the hall I would sprint to the door. No matter how distressed she was , she would understand “I gotta go to work mom” and would she would sigh and resign herself to the task at hand: breakfast.
Plan scheduled daily weekly event, distract and leave.
Your situation sounds exactly like my grandmother and her husband. He had to get away too.
The fact that you only need 4 hrs a week is commendable.
Maybe you don’t look for reasons and be honest: I love you but I need (away) time to cope with what’s happening. Or I need to regroup because I watch you suffer and I can’t fix this. Or these 4 hours help me keep some of who I am beyond caregiver. Or I’m going stir crazy and need to get out.
Maybe she’s beyond rational and all you can say is I’m sorry this bothers you and go. Do whatever.
When the caregiver arrives, she needs to immediately go into a "task" with your wife...for example, she can say to her "I was looking for the tea bags the other day and couldn't find them, will you show me where they are in the pantry?" Or "I would like to set a hand towel out in the bathroom, can you take a look and let me know which ones are appropriate?" Your wife may not be able to answer any of the caregivers questions, but it will derail her thinking and you can skirt out the door while she is "helping" the caregiver. If she asks the caregiver where you are after you have left, she can say you went to pick up your prescription or he ran to get gas in the car, etc...
The reason I suggest this is that asking my mom a question takes all of her energy to figure out what I have asked and what her answer will be. It really throws her for a loop and she can't answer the question and continue on whatever rant or auto-repeat she may be on.
Hopefully this strategy will work for your wife as well. You need a break so don't even consider not going out. Even if you just drive around or sit in a park or go for a cup of coffee...take the time for yourself.
I'd suggest, as others have, using work as an excuse. My mom had no sense of time, due to Alzheimer's and a previous mild stroke, so when she was living with us, I'd use "work" as an excuse, regardless whether I was going to work or not. I taught part time, and Hubby watched her then, but when I just wanted to meet a friend for a cup of coffee, I'd tell my mom that I had a meeting at school. I actually treasured going to work, because it gave me a chance to use my brain in an arena other than Alzheiemr's caregiving. When you're away, see if the caregiver can play Scrabbe with your wife, or cards, even if she doesn't know how to play. (I'd let my mom win at cards all the time.) Maybe the caregiver could discuss non-controversial and non-upsetting current events, (hard to find these days, I know). Or maybe she could read nice magazine articles to her, or read some jokes. I don't know your wife's mental capabilities, but friends have told me that their parents would often smile at jokes, even if they both knew that they didn't understand them.
Motor Vehicles, Volunteer work, Doctor Physical, Eye Doctor, Food Shop, Library, Car Mechanic, repeat. You can use variations on these, but I suggest the truth - you need to get out by yourself for the afternoon. You owe it to yourself and she will get used to it the more you do.
The advice is if your only taking 4 hours a week to have for yourself your in trouble. That's nothing a week!! The feeling will always be there regardless. However, if you don't take time for mental and physical well being from caregiving you will be of no use to her. People have told me that and taking the time is easier said than done. Maybe you should get someone in to stay with her to make you feel better if it's only 4 hours a week. And, if she needs care where she can't take care of herself or your worried something might happen while your gone you need to get someone in there anyway. However, from her perspective she may feel like your abandoning her. I don't know if she is a risk to be alone or not but I think you should consider a family member or private care just to get a break.
Going to the gym or a walk? You need to have time for yourself to stay healthy. It will be hard at first, eventually it will be routine not be questioned. My mom never took a break from my dad during the last 4 years of his life even though we provided home aide for him. He only wanted her. She developed physically problems from it as she will not tell any of us when she fell. Good luck.
Whether it’s caring for an infant or disabled spouse/parent we need to refuel. My question is, if you’re using a home care agency how were you able to contract for only 4 hrs a week? I’ve been checking out home care - non nursing care - and can’t find one that will contract for just 4 hrs a week. For many that’s all that’s needed, but in my experience impossible to find.
I found a few willing to do that. Of course they baulk but they do offer it. Out of 4 agencies so far I am looking at for dad to get him used to someone besides me. Only one requires a 12 hr a week min. Just keep looking
It's okay to smile and say "Oh look! ________ is here to see you! I need to be gone for a bit, but I will be back at ______". It's best if you say something like that as you are ready to walk out the door, as though it is a very normal thing, without leaving an opening for questions. Perhaps you could get a dummy clock (if she can still read a face clock) and set the hands to the time you will return and let her know that when the clock on the wall matches the clock you have set, you will be home. Or write the time down for her.
And wouldn't it be nice if you would bring her a treat of some sort when you return? A coffee? A pastry? Lunch? A small bunch of flowers? Just something to let her know you were still thinking of her even while you were gone. I imagine it would not have to be much.
I live with this situation, some of you know I am primary Caregiver for my ex-wife, we married in 1989 and divorced in2004, I saw a need for someone to step in and care for my ex, whom I truly felt compassion for. I came back into her life in ~2010 when her memory was failing. My ex has a daughter (50 years old) who does not work and has not for her entire life, she lives off her mom's wallet. Does not help her mother, only offers help begrudgingly. I am here 24/7 365. I need help, I need to get away. I'm tired and exhausted, every once and a while I need to get away or ill go cray cray. I always inform my ex that ill be going out to see my friends and have a beer nothing nefarious. She knows (my ex) I have to Get Out from time to time, and I have explained that to the point she knows I need a break. Yes, I know I could use that time to rest but I need that time out with my friends to forget my ever present intellectual stress. The Daughter, disagrees with my getting out, as that forces her into action. However I always inform them I will be gone for a few hrs. It is the right thing to do, I always tell them approx. how long I will be gone, and when they can expect me to return. "Im going to play pool, or drink a beer or two" its that simple. I've nothing to hide.
We the caregivers have to take into consideration that most conditions are going to get worse and more care will be required. That means we will need more caregivers and more effort from us. It also means we need to recharge and think more about our own lives, yes, it is hard to think when you see somebody’s declining health. But getting more stressed will not help both, focus also should be on our happiness, needs, call it self- preservation. Creating plan for yourself, I consider at this point as important as taking care of my husband, it could be selfish, but need for balance is overwhelming, promoting me into action to find everything I can do to stay well and retain, restart, reestablish as many interest and relationships, friends, who are helpful and I know will be here for me in the middle of the night.
😂😂
Is four hours a week the only respite you get out of the house? I truly hope not because that's not nearly enough.
Yet you need a break. Take it.
Whatever you are doing is fine to say. Walking around a park, browsing a bookshop, visiting an old friend.
It is often fear behind any clingyness. So a firm, confident manner is good. "I'm going now. I will be back at X time".
Don't leave space for an inquisition - that leaves the potential she could join you. If you sound guilty for leaving, she may pick up on it.
The break is good for you AND her! She may not realise how - but it will help her too. You are her main caregiver. 4 short hours is essential for some solo recharge or down time.
"It's none of your business"
I went to the store. I went to get the mail. I went to get the car serviced. I went for a walk. I met John and we had a cup of coffee.
”I’m not going anywhere, just to the John”
”It’s time to walk the dog.”
”Need to get something in the garage.”
Etc.
Hard fact, but she is going to be OK, but you need to be OK as well, it is important or perhaps even more important.
Along with using other's suggestions of what to say, leave a loving message on a whiteboard along with reminding her the time you expect to be back. The caregiver can show her the message whenever questions come up about where you are or when you are returning. Even if your wife can no longer read, it may be calming for you to write the message in front of her and have the caregiver read it to her.
The one the elders lean on, needs a a break, but if that person insists on doing it all, and never getting a break, it’s so frustrating. Thank you for wanting your breaks, and understanding you need them. While I love my dad’s devotion, I miss him. I wish he could just enjoy a half day road trip, see the lake, drop a fishing line, but he can’t, and I accept it. Don’t discuss it at length, with your wife, brevity is best, follow the good advice you’ve been given, get a break, and take care of you, too.
I'm also hoping you and your wife have POAS {finances and health care]. If not. I encourage you to try and get those done with elder care attorney sooner rather than later. They will make your lives easier in the long term
I'd personally like to grow my confidence & trust in the caregiver & then just let them get on with it.
Also to get a proper mental break.
But that's me. I found calling the youngsters day care just increased my anxiety. When I didn't, they were still OK & I got a better mental break.
Could work for others though.
What has worked for me and my mother:
Reciting the schedule to my mother only made her more anxious. I would tell her prior to leaving that so-and-so caregiver was coming and she would start up with the anxious questions - when are you coming back - how long will you be gone - when are you leaving - don't leave me by myself - who will be here with meeee??? - over and over and over. It would get so bad that I could hardly leave her side to get myself ready to go.
So I stopped telling her. Now, when the sitters arrive, I leave. No advance notification for my mother.
When I return I tell her nothing extra about where I've been other than that I bought her this-or-that at the grocery store, and would she like some?
On the rare occasion that she will ask me if I'm "going to work tomorrow" (I used to have a job I loved), the answer is no.
That is just what has worked for me. It's all been trial and error.
Plan scheduled daily weekly event, distract and leave.
The fact that you only need 4 hrs a week is commendable.
Maybe you don’t look for reasons and be honest: I love you but I need (away) time to cope with what’s happening. Or I need to regroup because I watch you suffer and I can’t fix this. Or these 4 hours help me keep some of who I am beyond caregiver. Or I’m going stir crazy and need to get out.
Maybe she’s beyond rational and all you can say is I’m sorry this bothers you and go. Do whatever.
The reason I suggest this is that asking my mom a question takes all of her energy to figure out what I have asked and what her answer will be. It really throws her for a loop and she can't answer the question and continue on whatever rant or auto-repeat she may be on.
Hopefully this strategy will work for your wife as well. You need a break so don't even consider not going out. Even if you just drive around or sit in a park or go for a cup of coffee...take the time for yourself.
Take care.
And wouldn't it be nice if you would bring her a treat of some sort when you return? A coffee? A pastry? Lunch? A small bunch of flowers? Just something to let her know you were still thinking of her even while you were gone. I imagine it would not have to be much.
I am here 24/7 365. I need help, I need to get away. I'm tired and exhausted, every once and a while I need to get away or ill go cray cray. I always inform my ex that ill be going out to see my friends and have a beer nothing nefarious. She knows (my ex) I have to Get Out from time to time, and I have explained that to the point she knows I need a break. Yes, I know I could use that time to rest but I need that time out with my friends to forget my ever present intellectual stress.
The Daughter, disagrees with my getting out, as that forces her into action. However I always inform them I will be gone for a few hrs.
It is the right thing to do, I always tell them approx. how long I will be gone, and when they can expect me to return.
"Im going to play pool, or drink a beer or two" its that simple. I've nothing to hide.