Leaving a man with dementia in an overnight nursing home for a week. Should I, or will it be too traumatic for him?

This is a challenging decision. One way to approach it is to think about how having a bit of breathing space after three continuous years will allow you to be refreshed and ready to start again in the daily full time care.

There are lots of people with all sorts of reasons and issues that find new places and experiences unpleasant at first. You don’t know if he will settle into it after a day or two unless he tries it.

Some people that may know more about the picking up after a week experience are the staff at the facility such as reception and aides.

I think you deserve to have a week to yourself and if he could understand what is going on, I think he would agree. Hope you find the right decision for you. Newdawn

YOUR needs are important and you need to recharge periodically if you want to keep you physical and mental health strong enough to continue - it's also a good introduction to life in a care facility for both of you if full time placement is needed in the future.
I will freely admit that my mom's first respite stay was traumatic and her care was less than ideal. Looking at this through hindsight I realize a lot of that was due to the simple fact that no matter how good a facility and how empathetic the staff they simply didn't know mom or her needs. Facility care is not the same as one on one care in the home, it can't be. And if you haven't had a near loved one who has lived in one you can truly feel a culture shock, everything is so foreign. BUT - I still wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to anyone seeking out respite. I think a lot of problems could have been smoothed to a degree if I had known exactly, step by step, what was offered there and exactly what a day looked like🤔 It was only once my mom lived there full time that I realized I had missed out on PT, meal plans, and activities that were available but I didn't know enough to ask about.

Coming back to add - some people have had some success spinning the decision as going to a special hotel for a holiday...

You should do this as often as the VA will allow. Please don’t fall into the trap of believing you’re the only one that can provide care. It’s vital for you to have breaks and refresh your spirit to continue in such a challenging role

I had to do a one-week respite stay for a client with dementia when her house was undergoing some renovations.
I did not see or talk to her for the entire week and neither did the PM and weekend caregiver. She did just fine in the nursing home. She was fine when she returned to her home and caregivers.
Your FIL will be fine. He will be fine when he comes back too. You're doing him a favor as well as yourselves by placing for a respite stay.
The shadowing routine of you or your husband having to be present with him at all times has to be stopped. That habit must be broken for everyone's sake.
When he returns after the respite stay start sending him to adult day care one or two days a week. Insurance pays for some. These places provide transportation, meals, and supervised activities. Make him go. He will adapt and some socialization will be good for him.
If you have hired homecare aides coming to your house, when they are there you and your husband should not be home during their working hours. Your FIL will adapt.
Your FIL has to be broken out of the shadowing habit before it gets to the point where you and your husband won't even be able to go to the bathroom alone.

We had to do this for my father. He was allowed respite care at the VA for many weeks. My mother REALLY NEEDED THAT BREAK. My father was fine. He was well taken care. No need to worry. You owe it to yourself.

A person with advance dementia will quickly forget about you. He won't even notice the difference.

This reminds me sooo much of the questions we asked when our kids were little. I have no real point; mine are grown but barely gone thanks to COVID/jobs. I work 6 days a week, travel 6 hours to help my mom Sundays. I get no relief from a narcissistic spouse who at 61, has more imagined health issues than my 86 year-old wheelchair-bound mom. Take the break!

It is normal in his condition to feel upset if you leave him in the facility. If his Dementia is very advanced, he won’t remember what he felt yesterday. It will be a new memory each day. Dementia patients will often do well around a lot of people. It gives their mind a new focus. You deserve some time to yourself so that you do not get burned out. He will be in good hands. Once his Dementia gets to a very advanced stage, you may want to/need to put him in a long term facility, or get in-home help.

Since you need the respite, do it. He will be a little disoriented. If he tends to get anxious and agitated easily, ask his doctor for a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication.

You may find he does well in a NH. Then you can place him permanently if you want. My Mom adjusted from going from her house to mine, mine to an AL and then to LTC.

Medicare does not pay for Daycare, not sure with a secondary. With secondaries it mainly is how much you are paying. More you pay, the more u get. Medicaid may pay fully or partially depending on income.

Oh hon, I know exactly how you feel. Whatever you decide to do, make sure he is in the care of someone trained in dementia. Have you considered bringing someone in to stay with him. That way they can see how you do it. It may require some pre-planning but I know that’s the only way I could do my mom. Of course I have to use an in and out catheter on her 3 to 4 times a day and give her hydration fluids three times a week so my situation is a little different. I only have the choice of bringing someone in. The internet is a great resource to look for home help. I think you will enjoy your getaway much more if your mind is at ease, but do find a way to take your reprieve!

Take the time to write out some information for the facility to help them get to know your FIL. Tell them a little about who he was before dementia, so they can have things to talk about with him. Tell them about his little habits and likes/dislikes, and be sure they know about medical things like falling tendencies/dizziness, etc.

Take a little tour of the place yourself, so you can envision where he is while you're gone. It'll keep your mind settled as well.

First of all, thank god you are getting a break - you deserve it. He has dementia and with that goes the dementia territory. So what if he gets upset, you are entitled to a break and must get it. It is now the problem of the people where he will be staying. I am sure they are trained to deal with these patients. Feel NO guilt.

What encouraging answers from so many people! We all hope it goes well and that your FIL has no problem with the respite stay. If it works well, you can use it again for much deserved breaks.

You deserve a break. Let his son take him to the center. Enjoy yourself.

I think it would extremely confusing and scary for him. I would ask LO he knows well to
stay with him .. or hire someone before you leave so he can become familiar with them before you leave and have them stay his house.
otherwise think it would be kinda cruel …

Brings back memories for me.
I had the chance of a lifetime to take a vacation with an old friend and his lovely wife. I had been caring for my Husband and was getting to the point where I did not know if I could continue. (for my mental health I needed a break and had not been on a 'vacation" in 4 or 5 years)
He had been going to Adult Day Care at the local Memory Care facility and I discussed it with them and they had the room and I made arrangements to leave him there for 3 weeks. (yes I know a long time)
I was worried that......(in order of worry)
That he would die while I was gone.
That he would get sick
That he would not remember me when I got back.
That he would be so "institutionalized" that I would not be able to bring him home successfully.

I did not have to worry. He did well, probably better than I did worrying about him and all the possibilities.

I will tell you one "frightening" thing that did happen.
Keep in mind I was out of the country and had left my sister as emergency contact at the facility in case they had to get in touch with me they would contact her and she could get hold of me. I would also have very limited use of a computer, only if the hotel we happened to be at had one for public use.
I got a call from my Brother in law. Informing me that the facility had contacted my sister, my Husband had an infection and they needed permission to treat it.
Well..obviously I agreed to that (probably should not even have been a phone call to me she could have OK'd the treatment. Well that got me upset....
I get home....
All is well.
He did not die
He did not get "sick" (more on the infection in a moment)
I got him home and he went right to his recliner and sat down!.

going over the paperwork from the facility the "infection" that they contacted me about, the urgent one that needed approval for treatment.....
ATHLETES FOOT!
Just so you do not get a surprise call like that make sure someone is able to approve treatment without disturbing you. Obviously if it is a true emergency that is different. I am sure the VA would be a primary medical contact for you

Enjoy the time away.

Is your father-in-law able to go to the facility for a one-day tryout?

Is your husband/his son able to assist?

deosgood: If the Veterans Administration pays for this, then perhaps you should go along with your plan to put him temporarily in this Nursing Home. However, if this may be too hard on him, perhaps he can stay with his son while you get a reprieve.

It’s a tough one and of course things could go wrong or bad and you could feel guilt. I really think it comes down to your own sanity. If you have no break, it is not good for you or your ability to care for him if your health (mental and/or physical) suffers. So, for both his sake and yours, make arrangements to have the respite.

I had my husband who has Alzheimers in a facility for a 5 day respite and it was great for both of us. I plan to have a 2 day respite at least once a quarter. It isn't cheap, but well worth it.
Since this was our first time, I was a little concerned, but all went well.

Under Medicare respite care can be provided in a hospital. I am not sure about VA benefits. Have you visited the place where your FIL would stay?. Would you be comfortable staying there? None of these places are a holiday inn for your FIL Is there another family member or professional nurse that could stay home with him while you are away? Take everything into consideration before you make your decision.

Many families think that they can just drop them off at a facility. This is not the case. You need to have an on-boarding plan, where for the first 3-4 days you help them to acclimate, have breakfast, lunch, dinner with them. Introduce them to a few of the Residents. You/yourself need to introduce yourself to the caregivers - and be sure to write up a clear decisive "Care Plan" for him that you discuss with the Director of Nursing and keep clearly posted in his room. Once you do this....you can now take your reprieve/respit knowing that you've done everything that you can to help him acclimate and ensure that he won't be crying or go into a catatonic state.

Respite Care gives you - the caregiver - a much-needed break. DO take advantage of it without guilt. It's just one week!

To help my father adjust and to reduce his anxiety, I framed a few family photos (Dollar Store) to put in his room, filled a container with his favorite snacks, and created a "Life Events Poster" featuring his name, hometown, where he worked, how many kids/grandkids (and their names), TV shows he likes to watch and foods he likes to eat. Nothing fancy, just a bulleted list on a poster board that the staff could refer to. It gave them topics to talk with him about. I also put several notes on the wall telling dad that I would take him home on Sunday.

Could your father in law go to a day program? My father was in mid to late stages of dementia and was still going. It can be a 4 to 5 hr reprieve daily for you. They negotiated with a bus company to pick and bring him home. They would give showers at an added cost. I wouldn't recommend that because they are busy, and it could be confusing for him. Good Luck.