I'm laying beside mom in ALF - she is actively dying.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I think you were enormously blessed to have time to share your heart with your Mom. I hope you will focus on your healing and comfort now. Surround yourself with those who love and appreciate you. Hang on to the beautiful and loving parts of your Mom's passing. May God richly bless you.

Bless you.. May you have the peace of God graciously extended to you as you grieve your Mom's passing. May you find comfort from friends who really love you, and keep your distance from those who are self-centered. May you receive the comfort you need to get through this season of loss.

So sorry for your loss. Be strong. You are DONE with these ppl now. Enjoy the peace of mind, knowing you did what was best. God bless you.

Orangeblossum's advice and have a private funeral. They came in a "heard" bunched up all together staying in the back of the room. Then if I left moms side they would move to the front of her casket but not close, several feet away, so they weren't paying respects as much as trying to act like they cared.
I tried to hug a nephew he turned away. He barley knew mom
The worst was when I was standing at the casket about half way through and another nephew came up and put both hands on casket, I thought he was coming up to be kind. Well, I rubbed his back and he said "don't do it". I (dumbly said) don't do what? He said very rudely, "leave me be"! So I turned to walk away, ( hindsight I Should have him to get out or at least ask why he even came)
So I turned and to my surprise, it was like moms spirit jumped in me and I turned back and said, "well, you left her be all these years, so I have no problem leaving you be". I was shocked about the whole thing. Ruined the whole day for me and I can't get past the nerve of it. It's eating me alive. No class whatever.
I'm sure in their "heard" they were seeing who had the nerve to show their "low" class. Just a few years ago this same nephew saw my daughter and she mentioned the family not speaking to me, he said, hey, I'll talk to her, that his family all they thought about was money (got that right). His mom married very wealthy after my brother died. She is the on who started the whole thing years ago. As soon as she married my brother decades ago it was only a few month before she caused the first fall out.
I'm still swimming in my head - foggy brain
So sad they ruined my moms funeral.
All those nephews and not 1 would be Paul bearer. I did catch 1 and got him to help, but had to have funeral home people and my daughters in laws do it while they stood in the back.
I had a lot of support from friends and other family, thankfully
Everyone is asking the same question. "why did they even come"

Thank you all, again for your support. Mom slipped away on Fathers Day. My husband and I were there. It was very peaceful. I got to touch her before and after her last breath. I'm still in shock. Caught a bad respiratory infection and am still battling it - I have asthma so hits me harder.
The funeral was a fiasco. Wish I would have taken orangeblossum

My father died of a stoke 3 years ago, and I was alone with him when he died. I think it was a gift for both of us. He was not afraid, he just slipped away slowly. I was the one who noticed that he was gone. The nurses and doctors came in, gave me all the time I needed with him, and I was able to tell him once again that I loved him. Don't be afraid. I can tell from the answers that many of us are praying. I have difficulty with sleeping and will be praying for you throughout the night. You are giving the greatest gift ..... the gift of love as someone passes away.

(((((hugs))))) and prayers

Prayers for you and mom.

May God's grace be extravagant to you and your Mom during this time... and may you know His mercy and kindness continuously.

May the Angels sing your Mom to Heaven and give you Peace in your heart. You both have fought the good fight, it is now time to rest.....Bless you both.

I think she is getting close. And it hurts me to see my vibrant mom still and lifeless - when the time comes.
I'm alone with her. Thank God for all the wonderful staff at this awesome facility.
They are angels.

Dear Here4her: If I were in your place, I would not even bother notifying them until after the funeral - I would not want the aggravation. At that time, if they asked questions about why they were not notified, I would say it's because they showed no interest or willingness to assist her while she was living, so why should they care when she passed? As for any inheritance? I'd say, if you don't hear from the lawyer, you'll know you didn't get anything. But that's just me.
You have answered all your own questions concerning your relatives. They are not worth a glance from you. Suggestions: At the funeral, if anyone wants to know if she left a will, tell them "This is NOT the appropriate time to be asking such questions", and "my lawyer will contact you if you need to be involved". Whoever shows up and asks questions at the funeral or any other time, you might say "I can't answer that question right now, but I'll check with the lawyer, and HE he will call you." In other words, be very cool to them at the funeral, and lay it all on your lawyer to handle them when the time comes for the reading of the will. Tell them to make sure they leave their contact information in the guest book. Try not to blow your top. If they are persistient, ask them to leave or have the funeral director escort them out. You don't need them to like you, but they WILL respect you if you don't let them rattle you. Good luck with this. My prayers are with you.

I mean people showed up just not the selfish ones. She had lots of others there.

At 90 I gave her a party...none showed up.

I decided not to call until it's over, the passing - I dont even have their numbers.
It will be a short 2 hour viewing service with graveside service as well. I swear I'll hit the ceiling if any of them come up and start asking questions, they should have asked years ago.
When she turned 80 I gave her a surprise birthday party. Cost $3,300. They chipped in$0.00 had a limo and everything. When limo pulled up they all ran up to it and took the credit for everything. Did not turn over a finger to help. Mom thought it was their deal took me 10 month to plan. Had a movie made of her life. Vultures!

Give you and your mother the peace and dignity for whatever time is left. Those other roudy absentee relatives would only create chaos. I doubt those relatives would even care about not being notified except when the time comes to see what they might get for an inheritence. Peasce be with you and your mother.

Enjoy your precious time with your mom... and surround yourself with people who LOVE you and care about your well-being. This is an emotionally charged season... and you need less stress and more love. By telling them, what is it you want to provoke? Last minute reconciliation? Very well may not occur.. and then what? You'd be hurt again.

Love your Mom and store these memories. They are very, very dear memories.. and sacred.

Here4her ~ Just take care of yourself and your mom. If the others were interested, they would check on how she is from time to time. I say, f@*! 'em. Focus your energies on remembering these last few hours, days, whatever with your mom. You will cherish those when your mom does pass. My prayers are with you and that your mom has a peaceful passing. Hugs ~ Kuli

Dear Here4her: Bless you for your dedication to your Mom. You are right to keep your focus on her and not to worry about anyone else right now. This is your private time to support her passing. You are not being spiteful and you don't need stress from anywhere else. Sounds like you have a good lawyer too. Peace and blessings to you and your Mom.

No spite here. It is 1 son who comes to town and never calls or asks about mom, The rest age selfish grandchildren who they all treated me like I had the plague when my brother died, not their father. My brother whom I was very close too. They have a gang. Smokin, drinking party animals. Grandma would have cramped their style, so I gave up social life and freedom and moved her in. Charged her no rent. Very close to my mom.
I am the one who won with the wonderful memories we shared. I don't been want any of them there. Mom expressed that to me, but my. Daughter thinks it will bite me in the butt. Lawyer had me go sign a paper as I'm still her DPOAicould have private or public
I hate dysfunctional families that gang up on the only one who gave a hoot.
Again thank you. Hospice is shocked she isn't gone. She knows im here and not
Ready. I love so much. Any more insights. I've got lots of time to read here.

I think don't call. They don't want to know or they would have checked on her some time in the last 9 years. I don't think not calling is spiteful either. They have made their wishes known with their lack of communication. Do what's best for you and Mom, with a clear conscience. Thanks for keeping in touch with US. ;-) Love and hugs.

Here4her - I'm glad your mom improved some. My mother-in-law did that too. They call this "the calm before the storm" in hospice. But it is helpful to us as they go through this. Her hearing and touch are the last to go, so understand, she's hearing every word you're saying to her. My in-laws were very dysfunctional too. I texted them that she was dying just because I didn't want any trouble about NOT calling them afterwards. They snuck up when I wasn't around and saw her. But I honestly can't tell you what's best - call or not call. I think if you and your attorney think they will cause problems with your mom's care or if it would be detrimental to your mental health - then don't call them. They haven't cared for 9 years - so why now? All mine wanted to know was when will they get their inheritance. You do what feels right to you - only you know that - and whatever you decide is okay. You've been a good daughter to your mom. ((HUGS))

big hugs to you!!!! I'm sorry :( I'm thankful she has you there with her, I'm sure it is a great comfort.

I think she means here4her's siblings. If attorney supports her choice not to notify, is probably with good reason. The ones who don't do caregiving often don't deal well with death and dying, either.
Hugs to you and Mom, Here4her:) xo

And I wasn't clear... did you mean her siblings?

That's a hard one. Part of me says not right to not notify... other part says, do what's best for you.. just make sure the reason isn't one of spite...

Thank you all so very much. You have lifted me up. Hospice is shocked as she improved and is peacefully resting. 3 days after stroke. Same prognosis though. Can't swallow.
Her 1 left (2 deceased) has not called or had anything to do with her about 9 years. Nor have 10 of 11 grandchildren.
They are selfish troublemakers that turned on her and me years ago.

I am not going to notify them until it's over. Not putting her or I through the chaos.
What are your thoughts? A
Her attorney agrees with me.

May the arms of angels surround you both, and may you find peace and solace in the shelter of their wings.

Holding you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers. Peace.

Here4her, out of all the stuff we do for our loved ones, in caring for them, this is undoubtably the most difficult phase, IMHO. Hospice pretty much nailed daddy's on the head. They said it would probably take about 7 days for him to leave this world. It was 7 days, exactly. She told us about the stages, and then we looked it all up online. It was like clockwork. It's not wrong, that you are lying in bed and watching her breath. It is your way of saying goodbye