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She is 91, raging narc with paranoid histrionics. Panic attacks that lead to hospitalizations. She also will go berserk sometimes over food-she can't get enough in her mouth fast enough.


She hired a lawyer and the lawyer is chasing down all the accusations she makes. I'm tired of this- nothing ever found. She also calls police and files reports. I've been accused of bank fraud- twice-poisoning her- twice-(lab reports came back showing nothing) Accused me of collecting my dad's VA benefits, (zero benefits paid) Manipulating her medical care, (her PCP wants more psychological testing done)


Being an only child I had HCP and POA. She has 2 small life ins policy's, which they sent to me -by mistake-forms to "change beneficiary" as per your request. ($2500.00 total, policy's are from the 1960's). I'm assuming this is the new lawyers work.


I do agree, she comes across as the most normal person you ever met, remarkable for her age, so the lawyer can be played, I've seen her sucker people for over a year before they caught on.....so ya, she can play one hell of a victim.


Isn't there some code of ethic's a lawyer is bound by when something smells fishy?


What happens when the lawyer ignores mental illness?


(she has been diagnosed as stated above)


What happens when lawyer realizes the client is on a vendetta and there is never anything found?


Do I have the right to tell this lawyer to cut the crap, and stop?


Do I need a lawyer to do this? Do I have the right to sue if I have to?

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Struggling1
I would not be in a hurry to contact an attorney for advice because it may be money that is spent unnecessarily but I feel that it may not be a bad idea to send your mother's attorney a certified letter and tell him/her to take you to court or leave you alone because I feel that he is harassing you (at your mother's request of course). If he does actually take you to court that is when you should hire an attorney. It also appears that your mother's attorney is making easy money off of her, because if the allegations that your mother is accusing you of are true it seems that her attorney would have filed charges against you already. I hope that things work out well for you.
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If you have the money I would have an attorney send a letter that states that you are no longer involved, having resigned as her POA and HCPOA. And the other legal mumbo jumbo that tells this attorney that he is harassing you and all that.

So glad to hear that you have moved on and you are doing well as long as you are left alone.
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So, it sounds like you are worried the lawyer is going to believe your mother about some criminal type behavior she is accusing you of? If so, there would be a police report filed and you would be arrested, right? Otherwise, your mother is just blowing hot hair and the lawyer is happy to take her money for wasting his time. I think you should contact a lawyer yourself to ask the questions you have so you can clear your mind and get the answers you need to move forward.

Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from this toxic mother. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a good resolution.
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The lawyer works at the behest of your mother....he will do what she wants him to do.

unless you can prove to the lawyer (I mean actual evidence of her malicious intent)...he will continue to act in her behalf.

you need to write a letter resigning from any and all involvement with her. You need to move and change your phone number

do not expect that she has taken any action to protect you...take care of this yourself. Don’t just remove yourself from her presence....remove yourself in every way, and do it in writing. Then cut off all contact. Make it so that she cannot find you.
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Hi,

Maybe I should have gave more detail. I have nothing to do with her- I walked away months ago- no looking back- no going back. The only thing is I quit, she hasnt. Just when you think Im done, Im free....she does something else. Co-dependant, Im not sure- I hung in their way to long trying to do the right daughter thing, its just how she is, and for most of my early days- I knew it was my fault- childhood. I read a lot, especially on this site, these threads taught me more than I could do on my own. Im sure POA and HCP has been terminated by now- and all I want is to be free of the accusation. If you knew my mother you would know its not about an inheritance AT ALL. That money would be so cursed it would just continue the nightmare of her existence. I dont give a dam about one dime, lets be clear.
What I want to know is, does the lawyer have boundaries that should not be crossed. Is it ok for me to let him know her past stunts b/c as of right now, Ive done all this to her. Whats the rules when he figures out its mental issues, lies and drama vendetta's. Is it ok for me to mention medical dx's?
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worriedinCali Nov 2019
How about you simply not contact the lawyer? You don’t have to answer to him. Ignore him and continue on with your life.
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reminds me of some reading i was doing several years ago about having a mentally ill spouse . the advice in this particular book was " divorce them and run like hell " .
mentally ill people ( especially bipolar ) are quite lucid and quite believable . they will destroy you .

im going thru it again with the same ex spouse . the only thing different this time is ive been able to forewarn our detective that as her adversary i thoroughly expect to stand and drip sht until everyone involved figures out that her halo is in fact made of flies .

not my first fn rodeo ...
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Did u provide the lawyer with documents from Moms doctor's. He has a cash cow but shouldn't be at ur expense. Maybe a letter from another lawyer explaining the situation with dr records would help.

Personally, I would resign my POA and all other responsibilities. Can't be accused when u aren't involved. Let the lawyer become her POA. She will have to pay him a fee. And may not like the way he handles her finances. Oh well. If there iscan inheritance, is it really worth all this.
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My daughter had a friend who was in a similar situation until recently. Friend's mom had diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, verbally abused her daughter, held her to impossibly high standards, denigrated her, threw tantrums in public, forged daughter's signature on her own lease (almost ruined daughter financially).

Daughter finally cut the cord and said "no more, Mom, I can't help you".

This FINALLY triggered the help the mom needed; she was evicted from her rent controlled NYC apartment (she hadn't paid rent in several years) and social services found her a nice AL, fully paid for by Medicaid. Her daughter visited; my daughter and her husband were on their way to visit when they got news....

Mrs. S knew better; she walked out of AL, was homeless for several weeks and died in an ER while awaiting treatment for an diagnosed infection.

Her daughter is sad, but does not feel responsible. There are some folks you just can't help!

Walk away.
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Rescind your POA, walk away, no reason to continue this charade. You sound like you have codependency issues. I would suggest that you consider therapy and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

The ball is in your court, take care of you, she cannot continue to abuse you...if you don't interact with her. I said goodbye to my abusive mother 8 years ago, one of the best decisions I have ever made.
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You have written before about your codependency. You say that your mother has told you that you are "an easy mark" for her manipulations.

Do you have a therapist who is working with you on these issues?

I think a consult with a lawyer about how to protect yourself from your mother is an excellent idea. I also think that you should walk away from your mom but you have said in another post something about your mother providing you and your family with "protection". Are you talking about an inheritance?

I grew up watching my cousins and other family members kowtow to a viscious, narcissistic old grandma who was "rich". When she died, it turned out she had nothing. All the real estate was mortgaged and her monetary assets had been left to someone else.

I was raised never to depend upon inheritance.
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struggling1 Nov 2019
Hi Barb, thanks for answering but I dont think it was my post about being an easy mark or protection. I walked away months ago and have not looked back- I feel nothing and am doing fine until drama comes back up.
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You need to resign from POA, etc. then get away from her.

why would you stick around? Does she have to get you arrested before you get this message? Get away from her before you are formally charged!!!
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As an only to a single parent, I sort of get why you find it hard to see where the boundaries should be. I do agree with Lealonnie1 that the possible inheritance clouds judgment. Or, have you considered that you may be co-dependent? The less interaction you have with her the less she can accuse you of anything. You can resign your PoA. You can allow the county to (eventually) take guardianship of her and she will be cared for. Or you can research a professional PoA (yes there is such a thing) for her. Things with her will only get worse, so why make yourself available for that flogging? You need and deserve your own healthy life but only you can choose to make that happen. Blessings!
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I have a question: WHY are you sticking around to take more abuse from your mother? Why not just bow out of the picture gracefully and move forward with your own life now? Let her go ahead & hire all the lawyers she'd like, who cares? As long as YOU can take your life BACK, that's all that's important.

There are some things, and some people, and some mental illnesses, than CANNOT be 'fixed', no matter how hard you try or how much you want it to be fixed.

Your mother comes across as 'normal' because that's part of the mental illness. She's gotten SO good at manipulation, that she can sell an Eskimo an ice cube. She's got the lawyer(s) boondoggled, it sure sounds like. But what is she trying to accomplish, exactly? Without you as a willing recipient, there's no case, no need for a lawyer, no histrionics, and above all, no DRAMA, which is what she needs to thrive on.

Walk away. Don't look back.I don't care if she has $5,000,000 to leave you. There are some things money can't buy........and your sanity & peace of mind is one!!!
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