How do you know when its time to step back from being a caregiver?

I did all I could do for years, mom passed in mid -2015. One would think I am free to grieve. How I wish. Instead, the greedy siblings are after.....Money....the root of all earthly evils.
If I had it to do over again---I vascillate between turning over mom's care to an expensive Assisted Care center, and continuing to support her decision to remain in her home. As it happened, she continued in her home.....and she died after a short illness following knee surgery. I supported her. Again--I supported her decision, body and soul .
I stayed with her, or my spouse or our children, 25 hours a day. During this time I sent daily updates to all siblings. I begged them repeatedly to "Come, Now." Then she slipped into a coma. And died.
After all that, I had to arrange for her burial, and each of my siblings refused in various ways to my requests for help. Well, God did help me, when all else failed.
But it appears now the only value placed by my siblings was not on the joy of companionship with their only Mother, but whatever Earthly monies or valuables she possessed.
I pity those who put more value on things, over Time with their Family.
if your parents are not "conscious" their Spirits may be, who knows....if you are exhausted, I have been there....get some help. If siblings do not help, you're on your own.
Document, Document, Document---taken photos, take voice recordings (one-sided interests are protected in many states), get other impartial people involved, get paper work in order.
my situation has turned out to be NOT as mom wished. I am still fighting for mom, even though she has passed.
The question is, how much do you value your mom, above your own concerns? It is OK if you need to leave mom's care to others, at a huge expense. You are innocent and may reclaim your Life.

I knew before my husband did that we would be unable to continue what we were doing for his parents. His mother was declining physically and his father was declining cognitively. Neither of my inlaws asked for *help* in the "I can't do my normal activities of daily living (ADL) anymore and I need help" sense. I researched in-home assistance with ADLs and found independent living. I found the best one for my inlaws and showed it to my husband who was appalled at the thought of placing his folks in "a home." But when he saw the video of the place, all its amenities, all its safety and security features, all its meals, yadda yadda yadda he came around. His parents resisted something fierce. But the reality was that my inlaws were unable to live alone anymore, were falling, were shut-ins, were depressed, were depressing to be around, were making terrible decisions, were ruining themselves financially, were still d-r-i-v-i-n-g, running to doctors with ailment after ailment...just writing it all down would exhaust me. I'm sure you know but my point is, that we forced my inlaws to move. We refused to enable them (any longer) because we understood that at some point in the not too distant future, that things were going to get really bad for every one of us! So we sat them down and said that this is the way it has to be because it's what best for them and is the only way for us "kids" to have any peace of mind. We forced them by telling them straight out that we would not be able to accommodate their growing needs and they would land in a nursing home if they chose to do nothing. We forced them to pick which was more important to them.

My inlaws did the reasonable thing and now are happy they did. Inertia is a strong force. Change is scary. Change is hard. Inertia is so easy...just do nothing.

Btw, last night my inlaws went to a New Year's Eve party in their building, invited their friends along, and stayed out until 10 pm and had a wonderful time! Find your mother a place to live where she's safe and then you'll feel great about stepping toward your husband who is patiently waiting for his wife. Happy 2016! - NYDIL

Hi there COULDITBEME, and happy new year to you as well! I'm glad I was able to help you, and as vstefans slightly reworded, sometimes the presence of the victim in an abusive situation really does perpetuate things that really need change, so this is definitely correct.

When you know it's time to step back, you want to step back from as many of your duties as absolutely possible. That's because from what you described, it sounds to me like you're being taken for granted as well as being taken advantage of. You mentioned the POA task. If possible, you may very well want to find someone else over, but it must be someone who is well able to firmly stand their ground and not give in when the person they're taken care of it's trying to make the rules and enforce them. Let's say the person you're taking care of has a tendency to order people around. This was the case in one situation I dealt with. He started noticing that when he ordered me around but I just didn't do what he was demanding. My friend was in the military, he was a veteran. He was used to people ordering each other around. What he failed to remember is that you just don't do that in civilian life. When one of his helpers secretly told me she was noticing this, I just simply told her just don't do what he's ordering you to do until he starts being nice about it and working with you instead of against you. For instance, I had to slip out and go home for a while because I wasn't feeling good. He was still able to be left alone because he still lived alone. When I went home I had to lay down a while. He had the nerve to call me and start ordering me around, the second call was more demanding. I was already laying down, and when I'm laying down I usually let the machine pick up my calls and this is what I did. What I did is make him wait until I was feeling well enough to go and return a key that he gave me. Instead of having to face him, I just secretly quietly taped it shut on his door and left. Where this started is one who started getting abusive. It all started with him cranking the thermostat to dangerous temperatures and causing me to have to leave because I have a neurological disability where I can get very sick when I overheat. This is why I had to leave to go home (which was just right across the street from him). The reason why this man gave me a key so that I can enter the apartment when he calls me over so that if he's laying down he won't have to get up, especially since he was hard of hearing. This is why he gave me a key one day. Sadly, he got mad on the day I had to leave during this one emergency situation where I could've gotten very sick. This is why he demanded his key back when he knew I was already laying down. I was fortunate enough to have a power chair under me due to other physical limits, so this was well within my advantage. I was trying to do my part to stay out of the ER, and let me tell you it was definitely not easy. I was not the only person he was abusive towards, there were other people as well, but I was the only one with a serious health issue in the form of a permanent auto nervous system disability.

If you're ever taking care of someone who doesn't respect your physical limits and deliberately goes against them by forcing you to face things that you cannot such as high temperatures, definitely drop that person like a hot potato because the situation will only worsen. I know this from experience because it happened to me because the person I was trying to help was actually setting me up for a squad ride to the ER. He was already frequent flying the squad, and he was just starting to set me up to cause me to also have to go. When his plan failed, he got angry with me because I was trying to take care of myself and avoid having to go to the ER since my particular condition can send me there under certain circumstances that catch me away from home. People with my disability should actually feel safe and not have to live housebound, that's what civil rights advocates are for.

If you have any physical limits when taking on any type of caregiving task whether big or small, definitely consider the risks involved by learning as much as possible about the situation. That's because you could very easily land in a situation that compromises your physical well-being. This is because something out there that you would take care of were deliberately disrespect your physical limits and force you to face something you're physically not able to handle. Another example would be if you have a back issues and cannot do any lifting. If you have back issues, don't ever let the person you're taking care of put you in a situation that forces you to do heavy lifting that could easily injure your back and land you on a back board. Anytime you take on a task, definitely set the rules very firmly before you agree to take on a task. That way, the person you're taking care of will know. The very moment they go against whatever your goal limit is, speak up and refuse to give in, even if you must leave in order to send a strong message. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of or taken for granted.

One reason to step away from caregiving is that your presence is perpetuating a situation that needs to change. In hummingbird's case I think it applies - even if spouse and marriage are OK with the caregiving situation, supporting mom's refusal to get grief counseling, medications and/or rehabilitation by giving free care is harming her. The belief that because of the bad things that have happened, everyone should feel sorry for me and take care of me - not just provide help for the things I really can't do - needs a firm challenge.

Private1: I appreciate your post . I am going to step away from caregiving. I am building a small place on my property to get away from living with my Mom and intellectually disabled baby brother. I am POA for both. I am Soc.Sec. payee for my brother. I have taken care of them since I was 10 yrs old (when baby bro was born). My mother is so mental (undiagnosed since she won't get counselling) that the emotional abuse has tore my mental and physical health up.
Oh well, I really am having knowing if it is Me or God wanting me to separate from this. I appreciate your prayers and any comments you may have. Thanks Happy New Year.

You'll just know deep down inside when your time as a caregiver is done. One way that I knew it was time to step back from each situation I don't with is when I felt better right away after stepping back. It's not that you don't love the person you're stepping back from, it's just that you've reached your limit and you need a break as well as healing. Sometimes when someone you're helping becomes abusive in some way another, that's one you must definitely step back from the situation because the abuse cycle will only worsen. Believe me when I say that you will definitely know, because God will let you know when it's time to step back

Tough question here. While you most certainly will burnout from caregiving, you will have to figure out the solution for your LO before you step away.

If you keep up the pace, you won't need to worry about the money YOU might not be around to enjoy it and your husband may be gone too.

Someone said "new family vs old family" you need to spend more time with your new family, respect the past and look toward the future.

I suggest that it might be a wise idea at times to view your relative as just another person, that method erases the emotion. By using that approach, it can change your outlook. It changes the whole dynamic.

In other words, would you accept abusively guilt imposed, angry behavior from an outsider. If the answer is no, then you have a new direction to follow.

Can't hurt to experiment. What you are doing now isn't working. Give it a try see if it works.

As Freqflyer said some said "he was too old to be caregiving". Well, I am only 20 yrs younger than my Mom. And, as most of you may know she is in better medical health than me 2 to 1. )))Hummingbird15: Do NOT let your Mother ruin your marriage. I am not sure how you feel about your husband but you can easily lose the love of your life. I know..Because I let my Mom manipulate, guilt, use and demean me, I lost 2 husbands and couldn't take care of my late husband because Mom was the same as I mentioned. My husband passed away in 09 and so did my Dad within 3months of each other, Now quess what, I am living with my Mom (gave up everything) to take care of her and my disabled brother!!! I HAVE NO LIFE AND LOTS OF REGRETS! Now, I am not physically able to date or have a married life. You can do this and I am sure your husband is totally behind you. Take care and heed the warnings for they are true! Great bunch on here..

INACTIVITY is dangerous--it is how people get blood clots that can lead to stroke. If your mom is still mobile, you really have to keep her moving--which refusal is not an option. The more immobile they become, the weaker they get--which can also lead to FALLS. When the elder person becomes bed ridden, that's when they become incontinent and lose bowel and bladder control--and it will be up to the caregiver to change their diapers. In most cases this will lead to impoundment of a nursing home. My advice is to explain this is the only option--either keep moving or it will be the nursing home because YOU will be the person cleaning up the s***. If you are married, you have to consider your husband and impact on his life. Also be mindful jobs are not easy to get, and you will be put in a very bad situation once she dies and you are left to fend for yourself.

Hummingbird,

How are you doing?

getnstrong,,

Your sentence bring us a very good point. "What good does it do to free myself physically, if she is in my head? " It does not good for you for it drains your energy and keeps you from fully being yourself. It also does not do anyone else any good because they miss experiencing you fully being yourself in relation to them.

A year is a very fair amount of time to have put your mother's needs first! Now it sounds like you really do need to put your marriage first - or maybe, unfortunately, risk that relationship over time. I don't blame you at all for wanting to move "home". I'm in a similar situation but my single Dad is very grateful that I visit him daily in rehab and live in his home for now. (but it's still stressful as I need to go back to work at some point soon and am trying to figure out his next living situation without much help from his current facility...). Anyhow, I do agree about moving to your home and having her live somewhere near you. She can visit different facilities - if she is physically able- or see pictures and hear descriptions if not. Then she can choose from all the options. I wish you the best as I feel that you've already invested a lot of time and care. But now it's important to find a way to stand up for your own needs, as well....

getnstrong,

The short answer to your main question is this.

1. Read the thread about emotional blackmail and apply it to your life with a dam the torpedoes outlook and a take no prisoners in pursuit of the goal of having one's own life without mom in your head.

The Power of Emotional Blackmailers.

What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?

Here's the link.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm


2. Freedom from this does not come by reading articles and applying one's will power to pull oneself up by their own boot straps. Thus, part two is get a therapist who is experienced in helping people to get out of codependent, emotionally enmeshed relationships with a parent(s).

Remember that this problem of mom living in your head is not your fault. She groomed you to be like this. Also, you didn't do anything that made her like she is. Nor can you control her or fix her. All you can do is all that any of us can do. That is put yourself on a healthy path with good boundaries.Be prepared though that since she is dependent on things remaining the same she will likely expload over you having your own life. That's normal. You'll just have to despire the pain and keep laboring for the new life ahead of you after a lot of labor.

I hope this basic answer helps you get free!!!

Take care!

Thanks to all the level headed people who responded. Reading your objective opinions really helps me deal with my own situation so much. Made some decisions for myself, and was not sure I did the right thing, but reading your answers gave me more confidence that it is good to take care of myself at 73. Blocked mother from my phone number, as she was leaving horrible messages every single day, calling me names etc. I would feel sick to my stomach every time I'd see her number, and after listening to the messages would want to abandon her forever, or just go to sleep. She has money enough for her care, and they are well qualified to provide it, so I am stepping back. Made arrangements for them to send a CNA with her to MD apptmts, etc. They charge $25 each trip, but my sanity is worth it. I informed them that they can call me any time if necessary, but that I had to take a break from her verbal abuse.
Interesting that she asked the nurse that night to give her some extra pills so she could "end it all". I've been hearing that for 40 yrs. or more and if she was serious she has had ample opportunity. Talk about manipulative. I told them thank you for letting me know, and to handle it in whatever way they thought best.
Now to figure out how to stop thinking of her and all that has happened with her through out my life. What good does it do to free myself physically, if she is in my head? Any suggestions about that would be welcome.

You've done more than enough. Sacrificing your marriage will devastate you and your husband and this still would not help your mom.

Tell her you don't care about inheritance - the money is for her care. She can pay an in-home agency or move to assisted living. Let her know that you'll help her with the change but that you won't sacrifice your life anymore than you already have.

She's guilt tripping you and that's control. The only person who can stop this is you. Please seek counseling if you can't do this alone. Counseling isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of strength.

Keep us updated if you can. We're with you.
Carol

Just get the last shife covered tell her money after her passing means nothing her care is all that matters her being home is what she wants and that's all that matters now you are truly visiting your mom and loving her you can be close without the stress of her care bring your husband over to visits let her get to love him too faviorts ddon't stress your mommy's girl she just don't not want to hurt your siblings feelings my mom did this all the time it was not the time or fun we had but the saying I was not her pretty or smart child that used to tick me off till one day she said you know you cant see forest from the trees its like she had to admit I was pretty and smart it was always just her way of saying she loved me and was blind well back to you you don't want to put her in a home till she has no choose as too the help let them keep inmind. her money is green they want to leave there is always a person waiting for a. good job like they have its put up or shut up and be glade there is no exta rehab work as gfor her mood yes s pill willwork get the doctor to order her some

When my mother died, my father was basically helpless. He tried to stay at home, but limited HHC one or two times a week didn't do it for him. I was working and going to school and did what I could in my spare time. One day I visited him and he fell out of his wheelchair and was on the floor. Another day, not long after, I came to visit him and found the gas stove in the kitchen was left on. At that point I had to explain to him that because I loved him and I could not work or go to school knowing he was no longer able to safely take care of himself, we needed to consider him moving to an ALF. He finally agreed and he moved to an ALF. He saw that the only way I could take care of him was to quit my job/career and my education and did not want to see me take that path.

Hummingbird, what I did was move my mother in with myself and my partner - we all sold our respective houses and bought the one we're in now.

DON'T DO THAT!!! It doesn't work. You'll get sucked in to your mother's needs, your lovely husband will drift off, and you'll end up in a heck of a mess. So don't do that.

But possibly what you could do, is look near your and your husband's home for better residential care than you say is available in your mother's location. Then you move home - and home being where the heart is, your home is with your husband - and your mother moves to supported accommodation somewhere you can keep an eye on her.

And if she won't, then you vote with your feet and you GO HOME. You make reasonable accommodations for her, you provide a reasonable amount of support, you work out a pattern that suits you. But your life is not all about your mother, whatever your mother says. You couldn't solve all her problems even if you gave up everything, so stop trying to.

Every time my mother tells me about a fall or injury my elderly father has incurred it's all I can do to stop myself repeating his words to me as a child "lick it like the rest of the dogs do." He refuses help or therapy or any aids to making his life easier so I refuse to get worked up about his hurts. It might seem cruel now, but what happens when your mom is gone and you are alone?

I am in the similar circumstances by mother's diagnoses came in 2013 but she had been challenged with her diagnoses as I have been so many years prior to being diagnosed. She has dementia and does not identify with her diagnoses. I am struggling now on what to do to take back my life and if it is fair! Neither could have speculated that this would occur and I have been there for 19 years now. I at times feel like I am selfish and my feelings of wanting my life back. As an only child I feel obligated, I know that the issues I am having are a cross between taking care of myself and doing what's right for my mother. Don't wieldy? in good doing. However, straddling the fence has taken a toll at times on me! I have struggled to get support from the local JFS but that in it's self is a mountain that is endless and what they demand in order for her to receive medical benefits, the traps they set and expectations are unfair as they provide assistance to those who don't need it, misuse it and take advance of tax payer hard earned dollars! Standing at the cross roads waiting for an answer...from God? or maybe I am not listening because of my guilt for wanting my life back.

It is hard, but when you want to start your life is your choice not your mother's.

I know AL will be hard at first, but you know what, that is what she needs. Then she will not be the center of attention, and there will be 40 - 50 others with the same issue, let her talk about that where ever she lives. Visiting her, and leaving when you need to would be nice, she will turn around in her thinking. Yes, she lost her husband, and I am sure you gave her complete love encouragement and the will to go forward. Did she appreciate it? Did she think of you? Did she say, thank you?

Move on with peace, and it is true, what would I rather have a piece of something a rock a flower from my parents house or money. (The remembrance of the good times is enough for me)

Hey little bird, hang in there! You must be the saint, but only human.
You might be doing better than you give yourself credit for.
When was the last time you perused a store, bought a blouse for summer, had your hair done? Doesn't that sound nice? Be good to yourself!

Again thanks for the comments but im not the oger I feel you guys and gals think I am.. Im not a cold and callous person and do not put my marriage on the back burner.. I'm not even that close to my mother ..but we all do what we can for family .. I do love her and care about her well being but I'm not so emotionally attached that I am putting her first .. I have done what I could to help her and now it's time to go back to my life and start my marriage .. It's just been hard because I don't want to hurt her and listen to her tell me how I am abandoning her . I fully plan to take care of my spouse and marriage please do not make me sound like an uncommitted wife .. And we communicate fully. I dnt have to put his shoes on I know it's hard .. It has been for me too.. I'm not a bad person or wife and I've done my best to help my mother. I have already stepped back some.. I'm only here 3 days a week but now I'm ready to step back totally just wanted some advice as how to handle it but I'm sorry I've made myself seem

Humming - I love that you have taken care of your mom. Having been through 2 wars - you know that guilt is a self-inflicted wound. You're dealing with enough. Don't add that to the list. You can still be there for your mom; and you should. But you shouldn't sacrifice your life for your mom to go through life's natural process. Kind thoughts - Sam

I agree with cmangnum.... it's time to detach from mom... and you seem to know that. I think you have conjured up enough courage... you are ready... and your husband, well, won't he be thankful! When it's all said and done, you might wonder why it took you so long. You are an angel for loving your mom so much... but hubby should now come first. But you know that. lol.... much love to you as you do the right thing.

Married in May? Legally yes, but yet to be from what I see. From looking over this thread several women here seem to be saying he's been second fiddle to mom too long. Try putting yourself in his shoes instead of always talking about mom. How would you feel if you were in his shoes as one who just got married in in May? You can't fill the emotional void in your mom's life left by your dad's death.

Not my Saint!!!!. But regardless there is going to be a change for me first and foremost.. I'm tired now.. And I'm no good to anyone if I'm broken down..cmagnum u make it sound like my helping my mother is one sided.. This has been a joint decision from the beginning. My spouse is the kind of person who is more worried about my well being and mental state .. Rather than me not being home .. We both know the time has come to make a change for US but it has to be made with moms best interest in mind too.

Hummng,

Even saints get tired!

Sounds like it's time for change in this relationship triangle.

Thank you to everyone who has commented and given advice and hugs .. Please feel free to keep commenting it's keeping me sane.. And yes my spouse is a Saint.. He lost his mother to cancer and father to heart disease and has been onboard with me helping my mother as much as I want. With that being said , now that we are married I do feel it's not fair to him or US to be here as much as I am.. And what's more I am burned out as well.. It's true a person can only endure mental and physical strain for so long before they just feel like they will break in two.
I love my mother I feel sad/bad for her being without dad .. And not having the will to try and have more of a life than just sitting on the couch..she is almost 80 and completely has her mind but only one good hand and while she can move her legs she cnt walk.. She feeds herself but that's about it.. She is assisted with everything else.. And I'm thankful I have been able to help .. I sacrificed my life my job to try and help but I am tired and miss my life .. I'm a veteran of two wars and my body and mind are forever changed from it.. I have severe joint , neck and back pain and memory loss, depression and anxiety of my own.. At times, I'm not sure who is in worse shape . Haha.. I do feel a sense of guilt because I can take care of her better than anyone but I'm tired and tired of being baggered because she is miserable.. So, I'm just congering up the strength to do what I need to do for me .