Keeping sibling relationships strong?

Wow, what an uncomfortable position to be in.

I have a sister that I have a great relationship with, one that I cherish very much. I feel so terribly for people who only have strained sibling relationships; when it comes right down to it, there is really no one else on the face of the Earth that you share so much background with.

Since I haven't split caregiving with my siblings, I can't give you a "oh, we did this and it worked for us..." but rather I will give you some thoughts as to what I might try were I in your position.

First and foremost: being exhausted is not good on any relationship, be you parents of a newborn or caregiving an elderly LO. BOTH of you need to get some decent rest - I know that's hard, what with working all day and caregiving all night. Maybe set up a schedule that one or the other of you is "off" every 4th night (ie: Monday night, both on; Tuesday night, you're off: Wednesday night, both on; Thursday night, she's off) - keep your phone handy for an emergency, but make sure you only use it for a true emergency.

Try to carve out a night every few weeks or once a month for both of you to be off to do stuff together - much like you would do with a spouse. The relationship between you and your sister is precious as well, and since it is so important to you it's ok to give it some dedicated time.

Understand that everything will not always be equal and equitable. This is the hardest part of any relationship. It's why I cringe when I hear people talk about marriage being "equal". Not that I think that one person's worth is less than the other; but in every relationship there are going to be things I do better, or enjoy doing more than my spouse and vice versa. Or things that I have more time for than he does. But once you start "keeping score" so to speak - this week, I made 5 meals and you only made 2, you mowed 3/4 of the lawn and I did 1/4 - it starts to feel more like a competition, and in a competition there are winners and losers. That mindset doesn't help foster happy relationships.

If you find yourself disagreeing about minor issues, I expect that's more exhaustion and frustration talking. However, if your disagreements are on major issues, then you need to really have a heart to heart about what your long term plans are going to be. If, for instance, your sister's mindset is "once mom/dad reaches this stage, we need to place them in a facility" and yours is "I want to keep them at home longer than that", you need to be brutally honest with each other without recriminations or trying to force your mindset on the other.

At the end of the day, once your parents are gone, I imagine you still want to have a close relationship with her. You are both incredibly lucky that you have each other to rely on - so many of us here don't have that added support of a hands-on sibling - but if it's getting to be too much for one of you, it's time to begin exploring other options. But you can only get there is you are both honest with each other without getting mad at each other.

Good luck!

That's good that both of you share the burden of your parents' care. Most of the time it's usually one sibling who gets stuck with all of it and the endless doctors appointments. I'm living that dream. Maybe you and your sister can get some week-end help to come in. That way you'd both gets week-ends off and could spend some time together not in the care situation.

Your question hits home big time.

It's great that you and your sister are close, and that you have allies in each other. The kind of work you are doing is taxing, emotionally and physically. It seems that maybe you can rest in knowing that you are close, and will be close in the future. Maybe you can find peace in that right now each of you have to take care of your needs first, and fully focus on taking the space for your well being and trust that you will find time for each other again. I wish you and your sister well!

I have been taking care of my 90 year old dad for a few years now. As time has passed he is progressing in dementia and it's been difficult for one of my brothers. He has pulled away quite a bit from helping with dad's care and at first it made me quite angry and resentful. After a while I realized that I need to focus my energy on keeping me well and allow him to deal with his emotions as he needs to. One thing I have learned is that what is happening to my father is not happening to me and my brother, and while I was keeping score with him in the beginning it isn't necessary and shouldn't impinge on our relationship as siblings. We are feeling all the emotions and we need to put them somewhere, usually at the one who is in front of us. I learned it doesn't have to be that way.

Most doctors appointments are not essential. Medicare keeps most doctors in business, and so it's a volume game. Just because a doctor says "I want to see you back in 3 weeks" doesn't mean it's actually necessary.

I would invite your sister out for breakfast or lunch away from it all, and discuss the never ending medical appointments and which appointments can be cut back. It sounds to me like both you and your sister are on the caregiving hamster wheel and need to get off of it. If you can't have a conversation - and come to agreement - about medical appointments, then you know that you both need help with figuring out the future caregiving needs of your parents. Maybe bring up hiring a geriatric care manager because both of your parents need very different things.

I hope your parents important paperwork - durable power of attorney both medical and financial, living wills, etc. - is already in place. If not, you must get this done quickly while your mother is still considered competent to sign such documents.

Be aware that caregiver burnout is insidious. By the time one of you cracks, it's too late. Be proactive and tell your sister that you miss the relationship you once had with her, and that you want to start discussing plans for your parents' futures. This takes time but it may be the kind of project that rekindles the sisterly bond. No one wants to feel like they have no choice but to continue doing the things that are stressing them out.

It only gets worse--the older they get, the worse they become to the point they will require diapering and feeding. You need to do estate planning: See an eldercare attorney, decide on DPOA, Wills, property. Either that start Medicaid planning. Unless you two have night and day shift to the point the parents are never left alone, neither one of you will be able to keep your jobs.
I had to care for my mom by myself. It made me an emotional cripple. I'm still recovering from this.

You have no idea what "caregiving" means until you have to clean up your own parent diapers, and keeping them clean. I also had to get my bathtub removed replaced with a standing shower. When mom was alive I made sure she would have a bowel movement because on the 3rd day without it she would get impacted...the stool gets so large and hard she cannot pass it. So I marked her bowel movements on the calendar, and if it is on the 3rd day I would have to give her a glycerine suppository. If wearing a diaper, their private parts must also be kept clean to prevent urinary tract infection (UTI). Stool causing UTI can kill them. Elderly women are very prone to UTIs. Since she could not clean herself I had to do it and believe me it was extremely difficult for me to get used to this. But you do what you must, and I do not trust nursing homes.

You also must pay special attention to the SKIN. Paper thin skin means easy skin breakdown which means they MUST be kept clean and not sit on their urine or feces...a tiny abrasion can become a skin ulcer and must be aggressively treated because left alone it can kill the skin and tunnel down to the bone.

I took care of mum to the end and mom's skin was in perfect condition but it was very hard and stressful to keep mom going. When mum died I had to recreate my life from scratch due to decades of caring for her, and it nearly destroyed me. However, I'm working now and working on my Master's degree and managing well. But still missing mom. Not a day goes by I don't cry and cry for her. But I also came to terms with mum's death. At least mum died in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by love, and she never did suffer at all. The hospice nurse came daily near the end of her life to ensure she was comfortable and we never did have to open up that "emergency package" not once. When mum died she opened her eyes, took two deep breaths and died the most peaceful death you can imagine.

Her ordeal of life is over. Mine started..but after a year I'm managing.

At some point you may need to opt for placement; the disagreement may become insurmountable. I think it is rare to agree on just what must be done whether speaking of siblings or of husband and wife attempting elder care. You may need mediation of a Social Worker. At some point the difficulties will be so hard that there is really no answer but placement and the care of others. This is very hard to do. I still remember when my brother and I faced our own problems after a virtual lifetime of getting along like Hansel and Gretel in the woods of life, hand and hand and inseparable. At one point I looked at him and said "It would all have continued to be just fine if only there wasn't any "mess", but now we are dealing with a "mess" and we are going to have to get through. Forgive one another any disagreements as quickly as you can would be my advice for now.

Most couples won’t accept placement until one of them has no other option than placement or dies. It hasn’t reached that point yet but it won’t be long before it will. Wait for the right time. Unless your mother has really serious dementia and is also close to being non-ambulatory, I doubt that she will want placement for herself or your father. Most of what you describe is simply tension. I agree that finding time to go out for a meal and discuss what’s on each of your minds is the right course of action. If there are other siblings, asking them to stay with your parents while you get a much needed rest is a good idea if one of the other siblings is willing to do it. Just don’t be surprised if they “take ownership” as a result and begin to criticize, however subtly, the care that you and your sister are giving. This happened in my family each time my sister came to stay with our mom while our caregiver brother took a vacation. Sometimes it just isn’t worth getting other family members involved unless you clearly define the role you expect them to play.

Once one and then both of your parents die, the tension with your sister will clear up unless you let unspoken resentments fester, one stops pulling her weight and/or withdraws, or you don’t make a practice of processing what you are going through on a regular basis. You are indeed fortunate to have more than one sibling that is sharing the responsibility equally. It also sounds like you had strong parents with good child rearing skills who inculcated the advantages of strong sibling bonds. All to often on this site, the exhaustion of caregiving a child’s parents is complicated by long standing resentment and hostility that begins to openly manifest when the parent becomes infirm, helpless, or dependent upon a child the parent has physically or emotionally abused, neglected or psychologically wounded. Your journey can and will be tense but peaceful if you bring your concerns regarding your relationship with your sister out in the open now.

I think it might be good to have a meeting with your sibling and break the tasks into lists. You chose the tasks you will be in charge of, if it is cleaning, perhaps which days is specified on the list. If you are taking care of appointments on certain days, write that down. I think a calendar would help. You are blessed to have one another, just organize now. Try to understand you both have a common goal. Try praying together. Organize your tasks, write them down, plan who will do which on which days, give one another loving help. Listen to each other, give grace. Seek outside help when you both can. Do not take on tasks you can not do. Communication is always the key to working in an successful team.

I have two siblings; one who lived a 15 hour drive away and the other a 1.5 hour drive away from mom and dad. The reality was all responsibility rested on me to assist our parents through their decline and last days. Helping parents through this only underscores whatever strengths and weaknesses exist in sibling relationships. In my case, it also became my responsibility to communicate and give updates to my siblings. Long story short, my sister who lives closer did NOTHING. When I say nothing, I mean nothing. Not even a get-well card or phone call. My brother who lives far away did more coming to stay and help two times over four years, each time for two to three weeks. Luckily, he was supportive, but deferred ultimately to my decisions (we mostly agreed) since I saw them daily and had a good assessment. Helping your parents is very stressful and when both live to older ages (mine did!), their needs increase and are often vary from each others. There comes a point that you have to consider that one's condition is negatively affecting the others. Very difficult. If your disagreements are about decisions for mom and dad, a social worker or even therapist might be helpful. But sometimes, the disagreements are just due to the real and ever-present stress associated with assisting one's parents in their decline. Removing some of that stress is key. I would get some outside help in to supplement your efforts. I would recommend you try to attend doctor's appointments, but leave more of the cleaning etc for people you hire. At first, it will feel like more work, but once you find one or two caregivers, it will be a god send. Sometimes this help can be provided through senior programs, if money is an issue. The nice thing about hiring in-home help is that there is opportunity for friendships to form outside of family which is a good thing. Mom had two caregivers who were very and sweet and good to her, and I could clearly see the value in those relationships. I am getting choked up just thinking about the kindness they exhibited. As for the sibling question. In my case, my sister, who showed no compassion or care, is no longer in contact with me, nor I with her. I kept her in the loop while our parents were living, but now we are done. On the other hand, my brother and I have kept up the regular phone visits that we initiated during mom and dad's crises, and despite the distance and Covid, have continued to enjoy our sibling comradarie. When Covid abates, we will have a real visit. You value your relationship with your sister, so I would sit down with her and work out a plan to reduce the stress on the both of you. Recognize the efforts that you are both giving and the negative effects on yourselves and your family. Then, brainstorm ways to alleviate that stress and choose one or two possibilities to explore. This is a stressful time even without the factor of caring for elderly parents, so communication is key. Hope this helps.

The best relationships, whether sibling, spouse, friendship, or any other type, will thrive under adversity. Others will weaken.

I have learned that my best friends are not the siblings that I once adored. Now that I examine my past, I realize that the feelings weren’t mutual.

i hope you and your sister do better than the people in my family, but if you drift apart, take comfort in knowing that many of us have shared this pain.