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She moved in with me and we've not lived together in 20+ years. It's really hard living with her (I'm sure I'm not that easy either) but I'm a glass half full kind of person and optimistic...she's the opposite. If she has back pain it's can't just be back pain, it must be a tumor. If she her arthritis is bothering her, it must be cancer, if her stomach bothers her it must be an ulcer...you get the idea. It's so hard to remain positive and upbeat about things. Her attitude effects me and I get so frustrated with her I end up snapping at her. I have a demanding job as a consultant so I work from home, so I'm here all the time. How can I find time for decompression from the stress when I feel like I'm tied to her routine...she has to eat at certain times, take meds at certain times etc. Not to mention we just moved into a new house and I'm doing all of the unpacking. I'm unpacking her house and our house. Sorry for rambling on....

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She dosnt state that her mum has a mental illness? shes just getting old and crabby and losing her independence DAY CARE she needs to be with elders her own age if not AL. I think at least its your house its a nightmare when its thier house and im constantly being evicted if she dosnt get her way.
Gosh there has to be some old people that are a joy to be with when they get older you know Old wise and grateful they lived this long? Any old people ive met have been lovely why do our own parents have to be so nasty. I dont have children so whos going to look after me maybe my cat! You would think some parents would be delighted to live with thier kids when they can no longer live alone? Youre lucky she dosnt have dementia "old and crabby" i could handle anyday especially in my house my rules my boundaries.
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I can totally relate with losing your cool. I am a snapper, too. I am working on it. I pray a lot for grace and understanding. I don't have nearly as large a load that you do and I will think positive thoughts for you today, Kay. I say, ignore her negative comments and just walk away. Find time to watch a movie during a long lunch a couple of times a week. It helps me to get away from what's really going on in my house. Congrats on the new home!!! Hope it's a split plan so that your mother isn't right up your, well, you know!!
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overwhelm, my mom acts a little like this. In some respects, she's trying to be more independent. She's recovering a little and doing more. On the other hand, she's gotten into the "guest" habit where she's the "guest" whom we do everything for and it's a hard one to break. And her timing is so impeccable - just when I'm dead tired and want to sit down, she asks for something. The other day, on the spur of the moment, asked me to drive her 300 miles to visit my brother for a day and come back - on my one day off. It's partly the dementia, I know, but I felt super-crabby about it because then I'm the bad guy who says "no."

Anyway, back to you (sorry, but I got off onto my own little gripe-fest, there). Some of it is that you have to say "no" more. It's hard, but you have to figure out for yourself which things you're really going to do and which ones you aren't.

For example, could Mom and her husband get meals-on wheels so that you cook less? And, maybe have them buy some kind of meals so that you don't cook, at all?

As for the TV and such, have you considered books-on-CD? I mention that because she can probably find more Christian books than she can Christian TV shows.

Spend some time thinking about how you can get some of this time for yourself and what you'll do with it when you get it and don't let anyone find ways to fill it for you because you need it!

To be fair to my own mom, she doesn't have a sense of where I'm at. She doesn't have good depth perception or a real sense of whether I'm standing next to her or in the kitchen with the water running. I realize she doesn't really know that I'm going to the bathroom, washing dishes, etc... and, when I realize she's been trying to talk to me, just tell her that I've been doing whatever it is and didn't hear her. If she's forgotten what it was by then, so much the better. ;-)
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Feeling really guilty for not having more patience with my Mom
Hello if you look at my profile you will learn a little bit of what I an going through but lately I have been very bitchy yes that's the word to describe myself but my Mom nag's a lot she is a born again Christian and goes on she doesn't even watch TV or listen to the radio unless the program is strictly Christian. and calls me just as I go to the washroom or calls for the littlest things that can wait I am exhausted I am also cooking for her husband because he won't cook she has catered to him all her life and his ex-wife did and his mother I even dump the garbage long story short feeling overwhelmed no life neglecting myself feeling guilty for being grumpy with my Mom and partner any advice I am really depressed too. Already on a antidepressant already joined a support group etc.
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VictoriaP: I feel your pain. My mom moved in with me almost 5 years ago and it has changed my world.... she is bipolar.shizoaffective disorder. I am also a consultant and work out of my house - though spend at least a couple days a week at client offices. What I figured out was a MUST was that I needed to have a caretaker come in every week day. Someone is here with her regardless of whether I'm working at home or not. All this person does is provide her companionship - they play cards and talk mostly, and she works on art projects (she is a retired artist). She has learned over time that she can't "bug" me when I'm working at home - even though she does anyway (although the caretaker helps control that). So you've got to either go the route of adult day care or have a caretaker come in during the day, or some combination. I also make sure I go on a week long vacation at least once a year - my sister comes over to my house and stays with my mom. I try to do this twice a year, but must do it at least once - and I go someplace that makes it difficult for my mom to call me (I went to Belize for a week recently). I have to constantly remind myself that what she is going through is very very difficult - she was incredibly independent until 6 years ago when she started her downhill spiral and then ended up moving in with me and is now completely dependent. How awful that must be after living independently for 75 years...... I also see a therapist once a month - she helps me put things in perspective and allows me to forgive myself for the times that I get so angry and resentful that my mom has rocked my world..... I can't tell from your post if you mom has mental health issues or if it is the "normal aging" stuff. If there are mental health issues, I encourage you to see if there is a chapter of NAMI - the National Association of Mental Illness - in your area. They conduct a program called "Family to Family" that is extremely helpful in understanding mental health issues and how to live with a loved one suffering from this illness.
Good luck to you. I know how you feel. I also like to take peace in the fact that I know I am going to heaven, no matter what sins I have committed in the past, I am paying my penance for sure! ;-)
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Why do you continue to suffer if your mom makes you miserable. Place her in professional home and you and her will feel better.
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Photoartc: It is so hard to know what a person was like. You mourn the loss of that person while their body continues right in front of you. Find a counselor to talk with about your grief. Then keep the memories somewhere special, or talk about them to your husband even though he might not remember. Just take care of his body and what remains of him out of the love you used to share. It is a shame that our bodies do not go at the same time our brains do.
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I ll tell you what is hard.....a husband who was the nicest guy in the world...so loving, patient, and sweet...now he has the worst dementia ever and I have to be loving, patient, and sweet, yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel like crap.
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I would say that a daycare would be good to get her mind off herself and on some activities - and checking out some anti depressant meds might be a good idea. My mother will always find something negative about everything, so I know how you feel. I was told one time to walk away and not engage and it's hard to do but it does work ( and try to get out some yourself, at a park or some other place for a while just to clear your mind)
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Thank you, Pipruby, raisin2012, Carol and everyone! I'm really so very happy that I joined this community. All of your answers, thoughts, stories and comments have been helpful and insightful. Many things that I've not thought of I plan to put into practice and see what will work. I think the bottom line is that it will take time for us to get used to each other and I have to remember that for my mom, getting old really sucks. She's a complainer...and if I tune it out or don't let her bait me...I won't snap!
Prime example...I let her know that I'm planning a vacation with 3 of my girlfriends to celebrate one of their 40th bday...she proceeded to let me know that I should spend my money on a new sectional (which was just professionally cleaned 3 weeks ago). And that I need to spend money on making the house a home and not waste it on vacation. I basically told her that I need a vacation and if she doesn't like the sectional, she'll have to wait about 6 months until I decide when to buy a new one. Oh and by the way, she has her own suite in the house...living room (new furniture), bedroom (new furniture) and huge bath and closet...dressing area, vanity...you get the idea.
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Oh my! Maybe it is because I am here all the time as well, but in my eyes, they work for us or do I have that backwards? At least that is what I thought....Thing is, I always try to be kind and respectful. I totally understand they have a very hard job and I am sure they run into a lot of difficult people so I don't want to be in that group, but I have come to believe that one reason this one particular one keeps returning is because she KNOWS when she comes here she has help, doesn't have to do much and can be here and gone in a flash. I have learned they get paid per visit, so ours is one fast in and out deal . I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I just really do not want her bsck. :( I feel for you in your situation...I don't think I could take them in other parts of our home.
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Hope your situation is so delicate and its even more important for the person in your home to be sensitive. Talking down to is what I experience on a daily basis. In my case she thinks because I work from home, that I should be doing everything myself and that she is doing us a favor by coming each day.
When I attempt use the kitchen, she is in there. Watching what Im doing..commenting...telling me where to put things... I feel like I work for her and its very uncomfortable.
Im glad you have an agency to go to with your concerns. Our HHA is private (hired by a sibling)..so I have to put up with the daily nonsense.
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toomuch4me.....lol....I had that very experience this morning. I thought I had gotten my aid situation handled but this morning here came the one who for some reason unknown is able to get on my nerves....she has a manner of talking down to me, asking for help all the time and telling me do this do that....this morning by the time she left I was ready to give her a little "lift" to help her back to her car. I am calming myself down before making yet another effort to NOT have this one return....why do people with that attitude even want to be home health aids. No it is not easy...No I do not mind helping when needed...but for crying out loud, if I can do all this by myself 24/7 except for the three times per week they come, each for about 30 to 45 minutes, then why can they not ask me to help them do it all...hard to understand....
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Im glad to see others who work from home and deal with an elderly parent. I get the pleasure of also dealing with his HHA who acts like she runs our household. Oh the joy....
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I understand completely. I work at home too and my mom is aways there. Always sitting there staring at me. Asking "What should I do now?" and other oddities. Yet when we speak of moving her to her own place at assit living, she pulls the guilt trip of "You can't wait to get rid of me." I think the answer lies in deep breathing, releasing control and allowing her to be who she is without taking it on or resenting her.
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I can understand your frustration very well. My situation was reverse in some ways, as I owned a townhome with the stairs, etc. and so my home was not good for my Mom's mobility issues, and she absolutely coult NOT be home alone anymore after suffering an almost life ending fall . So I left my job, my home, everything and moved back to my hometown to be with her and care for her 24/7. At that time, Mama was able to ambulate a little, but not much, she had three meals a day but I had all the home health devices in the world and as jeanne said, a lot of it I resented....

Mama broke her ankle just before Christmas, had surgery, and the anesthesia apparently took a horrible toll on her. She is now totally bedfast, unable to eat anything now other than the nutritional drink supplements, puddings, ice cream, juices, etc. She no longer wants hot food period, cannot chew, etc. I remember how frustrated I used to get with how long it took her to walk from point A to point B. I understood it but I got so frustrated.

All I can say now is, I would give anything in this earth and heaven to HAVE to cook three full meals a day, HAVE to wait on her to get from point A to point B, have to listen to all the constant talking....and I feel ashamed that I ever got frustrated. Not saying you should not be frustrated, it is totally understandable...but oh what I would not give to have to do all those things again...

But now I am taking a page from my own play book and I know a time will come all too soon when I would give anything to be able to sit beside her bed and sing to her, talk to her and tell her how much I love her and see those little smiles every now and then that tell me she at least feels that she is loved......

This is such a hard journey...sooooo hard....I have worked really hard jobs my entire life and gone through some really difficult life situations. Nothing I ever went through was as difficult or heartbreaking as this...but it all prepares you in a way I suppose....and coming to this website some days is what saves me....we all walk the same road, just some different curves here and there...
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I tried the leaving the room suggestion...but my mother just follows me lol If i go to my room, she knocks on the door until I open it (a la Sheldon from Big Bang) or just walks on it without knocking. Better yet, the other day I left the room when she was going on and on about me not eating something she had brought home from a dinner (leftovers!) and she started *shrieking* from downstairs over and over and over in a fit of rage demanding I come eat. Each time I answered her calmly from upstairs "No thank you,I'm not hungy." Well, after the 6th time, I just answered "I'm not hungry, I ate before." SILENCE for about 5 seconds and then the response "You are so rude! You should at least say thank you to me for asking!"

Ready now to pull out my hair I just snapped back "I said thank you the first 5 times you asked." It just came out. Yea, I felt a little badly but you know what? She didn't ask me again lol

Alzheimers or not, narcissist or not, a bully remains a bully and sometimes the only thing a bully respects is when you finally fight back out of self-respect. Will she remember this? No, of course not. Will I? Yep...
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I can relate to your frustration. However I don't live with my mother. I was able to convince my mother to hire a home health aide for safe bathing and a nurse who checked on her and set up her meds. However she did not hire someone who could clean her house and make meals. I told her that she needs someone to clean at least weekly . I help her when I am able. None of the family members who are nearby will help on a regular basis. There is a devise that you fill with medicine and set it so that it beeps when it's time to take the meds which your mother could use. It is a service that could be funded by a long term care funding program. I hope that you will find a solution that works for both of you.
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Sometimes when people cannot control their own lives , they try to control the person who they think controls their lives. They lose sight of the fact that life is all about solving problems and not about getting what you want . Continue to do your best with solving problems . In the end you need the satisfaction of knowing that you have loved your mom by doing your best .
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So true blannie. My mom isnt in asisted living yet. But I am thinking seriously about having comfort helpers come in once a week to help her. I agree arguing gets you no where. My son who is 42 is helping me and when my mom trys to manipulate me , my son says mom time to go. I was seeing my mom evrey day of the week now it has been cut down a little. It can be frustrating at times, we love them, but it can wear on us. I have known myself to get mad when she trys to manipulate me. So Now I just tell her I am not playing games. We have to choose our battles that we want to win.
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Gosh Abbey6191 if I were you, I'd visit mom 2X a week and call her on the other days (or even every other day). She's in assisted living, you don't have to see her every day. Give yourself a break...if you call her and she starts in, just say, "Oops, the doorbell is ringing or I have a cake in the oven or whatever and sign off. Let her be negative with the folks in Assisted Living. You don't have to be her whipping boy.
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I just came home from a 10 hour day at work then visiting my Mom at her assisted living, I just told my husband I am so ready for this to be over and she's not living with me! I totally get it.
Every comment from my Mom is negative, she even points out my wrinkles and God forbid I have a blemish! Nothing is ever good enough but then that has been the way she has been all her life.
I love my Mom but I don't like her much at times, my husband says no matter how often I go and see her he thinks it feeds her as she saves up all the complaints. I see her 5 days a week and am seriously thinking of cutting down my visits,.
I cannot feel guilty as I will have a job husband and a life to get on with when she's gone. I suggest answering 'yes mom ofcourse mom ' because arguing will only stress you out and make you feel like crap.
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I will make my comment simple , If it helps , you can easily remember it.
Remember this ;
She doesn't want to be that way . It is her illness talking , not her
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All great answers for you. Take a deep breath and acknowledge all the stress of the many changes both of you are taking on right now -- with the burden mostly on you as you charge through getting both of you settled and learning each's routines and need for space.

A great suggestion was given to get mom enrolled in adult daycare or maybe in morning activities at local senior center including lunch. This will help mom make new friends, get involved "outside herself and you" and have some sense of independence and a life outside of you.

If thats not possible, consider hiring some outside help a few hours a couple days a week -- even if its just a senior volunteer companion to take mom out on some outings, a walk, to lunch, etc.

I know the complaining and "major" ailments are annoying..my mom did same for some time and it was a cry for attention. It was definitely annoying and maddening to me and my brother. After getting clear bill of health from doctors -- she still continued. I finally told a "little white lie" and said, well the doctor thinks you will need more care if you can't get better --- so it looks like we'll have to hire a nurse or worse, you might have to move to rehab. That nipped it and she eventually stopped. I kept saying, "mom, I work and cant care for you if you have something serious, so do you want to go to the hospital or rehab" -- nope, she didn't want that. When doctors suggested more drugs for little ailments and stiffness -- I insisted that it had to be coupled with prescribed PT and this stopped doctors from prescribing pain meds which didn't benefit her.

Try not to lash out at mom. When I'm at my wits end, I just leave the room, go to my room, go outside and cool off. It doesn't do any good to say things you'll regret or are hurtful. They are giving up their independence, control and although they are grateful for your care and being there for them, it hurts to know they are having to give up so much and have less and less to look forward to.
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interruptions.

Some elderly are fearful and it sounds like your mother is fearful that each ache or pain will lead to a major problem. I would get her reading, watching movies with light hearted topics or comedies. Again it may be her personality or it may be that being uprooted, even for good reasons, has unsettled her. She may do better once she is adjusted to the new arrangement.

Good Luck but remember taking someone in to care for is labor intensive. You have to reduce the amount of time you "labor" at other things or you will crash and burn. Make time for rest and make sure you are eating well to keep up the pace and not feel overwhelmed.

As the elder ages, everything will take longer and longer. You really can't rush them, it never works out. If it takes 1 to 2 hours for breakfast--it does. Bathing and dressing takes hours too. So if you get a home health aide for some of these duties, you have time to work at your job etc.
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Being a caregiver is time consuming. Therefore, I would not try to unpack two house full of goods, work full time in the same house and take care of mom.
I would get a home health aide to come in a certain number of hours a day to get mom's needs met. If you have a husband and or children, they should pitch in to assist with the unpacking duties. You have to have space to work without
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I can understand that. Iam taaki8nmg care of my mom but she is living alone and we are 12 minutes away. She sometimes wears me down and I lose my patioence as well. Your mom is trying to manipulate you and so dont go there. If you have to go andtake a walk.
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This will sound really weird, but it helps you distance yourself emotionally from your mother's way of coping. Since you Know how she will respond, as she is pretty consistent in her negative outlook, think of her as a cartoon. Like Lucy with Charlie Brown on the football field. You already now what she will do, so just let that bubble "Sigh" pop up over your head. Then move on.

I also agree with giving her chores she is in charge of, her room to decorate at her will. She was in charge of her own home, and the loss of control (which you are also experiencing) is difficult to manage. In the business of relationships, much like a business, you sometimes have to write down an organizational chart. Work WITH your mom to develop a list of who is responsible/in chart of what. That way limited control is established. You can be gentle, "mom, lets do this like roommates and divide the chores. I would appreciate your help. What things on this list would you like to manage? Did I leave anything off the list?"

If she is afraid she is a burden, this will help. If she is afraid you think she is no longer competent, this will also help. Then meet once a month and see if you want to trade chores. Don't complain about how she does a job, and don't correct her until it presents a danger. Thank her for helping you, even if it is not that big a deal (like setting the table).
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@VictoriaP, I understand completely what you are going through, the three meals a day at a specific time, medicine, ect. I've been getting up every morning for five years to fix mom's breakfast, even when I'm sick; rush home from picking up prescriptions to fix her lunch and the same for dinner. She takes her meds with each meal. I also have to prepare her meds...make up insulin shots for the week and pills for the week. I stopped living with her 26 years ago and I did give up my privacy to become her caregiver. My mom is a very negative person and I've always been a very positive person. That difference used to send me into a state of severe depression...all the complaints was just too much. Now I've gotten used to her ways and it doesn't bother me as much. Since I realize my siblings, her other children, won't help and everything is on me, I've just gotten used to her. I do tend to try and ignore some of the things that bother me the most. Mom is like the boy who cried wolf...can't tell when something is seriously wrong because according to her, everything is 911. Give yourself time VictoriaP...things may seem hard now and you feel you have no patience, but with time, it should improve (your patience that is,)
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We just moved with our 87 year old /dementia/Alz and hopefully for the last time...third residence since we took her from the nursing home, but we are in a home and not an apartment this time.

Moving is hard and stressful even if we aren't old or that old for them harder and more stressful.

She ended up having a sinus infection with her asthma and hates hospitals, but had to be admitted, when she needed the breathing treatments more than the emergency room could handle.

Old people, I believe hate being old, dependent or needing anyone elses help,
but seem to always exaggerate to theatric movie queens about something... some cry wolf, ours did that is why we could not tell at first that she needed to go to the hospital for her asthma, it is her excuse, not to walk, or move around, she confuses, breathing a little as we all do when we exercise, as asthma...

HER QUEST; thinks that she will die...in a hospital (like most people) so doesn't want to go to one and always needs REASSURANCE, that today is not the day...

Does she have any friends who are able to socialize with her, go shopping out to lunch, catch a movie or has the move relocated her?
Can she stay in a senior center by herself, if someone takes her there?
Sometimes they have activities like exercise, lunch and in the afternoon, bingo
sometimes a few hours of not being underfoot is good for everybody.
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