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She expects slaves, not care givers and when she is unhappy she yells at staff and gets other residents worked up.

She has always been a little princess all of her life and everyone is out to make her life miserable. For instance, when I said "no" to her for the first time in my life (around 1987) she did not talk to me for 8 years. When she was healthy and had her own home, she would always complain that the neighbors would send their cat into her yard to mess it up, etc... She made staff upset at her assisted living place for 5 years and I had to put out all kinds of "mom fires" to keep her there. Now that she is in the nursing home, I was really hoping the fresh start would help, but even after 4 months they are starting to talk about kicking her out. I don't know what I would do with her then. She is mentally very sharp, she just can't physically get around. We have asked the nursing home doctors if there was some "happy" pills that can given to mom so the staff can take care of her without being verbally abused. She is already on an ant depression drug.

The big problem is, when mother does have a real problem (theft, pain, etc..), I don't know when she is crying wolf or not.

I could really use help.

Thanks

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Your mom is not their first mean patient nor will she be the last. They need to handle it. Life would be better for her and others if she were nice , but she is not and has not been( according to your post) her entire life.

Do not be embarrassed. Be extra nice to the caregivers, know their names and their children's names....try to get some nice karma for your mom. Hold them to the expectation that they will deal with her professionally. Be very nice to the administration, Ignore the "thoughts" of kicking her out.....do not encourage it....go from there. Mom won't be happy anywhere, so that cannot be your goal. Your goal is a safe and professional environment for her.
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if she is in her right mind , you should have a third party talk to her once a week . there might be a mental problem that has never been addressed.
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do not worry as after this post I am coming off this site. I will say one thing my mum lived in sheltered housing which is independent living not assisted living. and I thought this site would be helpful in fact it is had made me feel worse. Good-bye and hope all the best.
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In fact it put more on me than one could imagine. also 3 people at her funeral I will never speak to again. turned up for pickings.
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Lizzie is there a reason why you keep doing mulitple postings? Anyhow, you should start a new question because the original poster's question is being ignored imo.
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You were not there when she took ill.
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I can not understand why for a person you have never met would want to defend their actions. It caused the doctors, consultants and me and sheltered housing no end of problems.

the home was corrupted for taking her and all they thought about was money.
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At home with sheltered housing. The dump she frequented was not a place of safety. It was a disgrace. I do know what sheltered housing is she lived there for 13.5 years. I will let it go that kept going to a home when there was no need. It is obvious to me she kept frequenting a home. as she was giving up.

She had no need to go there and the authorities had never heard what my mum had done.

Your last post hummingbird infered I did not know about my mum's living arrangements. I found it extremely offensive.
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no she was not hummingbird. She did not live in assisted living. she lived in sheltered housing. Her doctor did not know she was going to the RESIDENTIAL Home to and froing. She was not supposed to be there. The manager told her frequently to go home and have carers. she did not live there she stayed there and put everyone in an awkward position. The authorities said she was entitled to day care 2 -3 times a week and carers in sheltered housing. In britain it is either sheltered housing or nursing care.

the scheme manager where she actually lived in sheltered housing was receiving phone calls from the home. asking if she would talk to my mum.


I know about care. I have have worked with vunerable people in the past.

I do know where my mum actually lived. I will never understand why she deserted her family and friends. if she had been at home in sheltered housing the scheme manager would have phoned her gp.

I would have known immediately. She was at the residential home for no reason . They flatly refused to call a doctor and said so what . and wondered why I barred them from the hospital and the funeral. Her GP and Consultant were disgusted she was not at home with carers.
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Lizzie, there are different levels in a nursing home....if your mother was able to live by herself for a month at a time, she was probaly in assisted living, which is not really care except for meals and if they fall or hurt themselves...then there is long term care, for those who cannot live alone at all, are incontinent and cannot walk. ..and there is special care with people with dementia, alz, etc (people who can walk but try to get out and are not able to know where they are. If your mother was in assisted living she was living the same as she was living in the other place...I am thinking she was in assisted living if she was able to go home and live at time.
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I have known my mum all my life and I know the last 8 months of her life was not her.
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Also why do people interfere so much in other peoples families? Telling me what to do.
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However I do know there are good care homes.
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And that she was my mum not theirs. and all they thought about was money.
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My mum wanted to live in a care home. And right upto going into hospital she was living independently. The place she stayed at when she took ill did not provide any care. All they did was take her money and encouraged her to become very isolated.

She would spend 3 days a week at home then 2 days at the home or vice versa.

1 month at home then 1 month at the home.

And they let her do it. When I got her to hospital the home accused us of interfering. She was in a filthy state.

She would have been better off at home with carers. and maybe daycare at a decent care home. and still bothering with her friends and family. And when she took ill cleaner. and the scheme manager would have called her gp then I would have been phoned immediately instead of 9 hours after she took ill.

I told the place she stay what I thought of them.
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If I reach ninety and I am reasonably well then that is fine. I do not want to think I would ever reach care home stage and here in Britain. It is extremely difficult to go into a care home as it should be. I would like to be at home around my own things.
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Oh dear! Lizzie, sorry again, I am being terribly dense this morning - you meant the not being so far ahead comment? Forgive me, I'm a bit distracted…

I agree with you, the only thing for a person our age to do is to learn from what we see around us and get our wishes down in black and white.

On the other hand, we can't be certain of how we'll feel about getting old until we get there. One of the great and good was asked by a reporter how it felt to turn ninety. His answer? "Better than the alternative."

So I think I will see if I can also arrange a few loopholes! x
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Lizzie, I'm sorry, the last thing I intended was to upset you? I'm thinking in practical terms, making contingency plans for my mother in case I get ill or injured, things like that. No one can know the future, so don't we have to assume that we can never let ourselves be completely indispensable?
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I have to let the last 8 months of my mum's life go. She would want me to have a happy life. Which I am going to do.
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Sorry Countrymouse If I thought like that I would not get up in the morning.
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Countrymouse thanks for that vote of confidence. I will never go in home. I have a living will as well as a last will and testament.
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Lynn 1950, I feel for you, am right there with you, it hurts, it is painful. Keep the faith, I trust it will get better, I just try to accept the reality of the situation and know in my heart that the best course of action has been taken, nothing it seems from my experience that is worthwhile comes easily. Stay the course and be strong.
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I feel for you hummingbird1, you aren't alone, you have to do what you have to do. There are some lovely residential care homes, my mother is in one. I understand fully how you feel, it is mind blowing sometimes. Try and get Dad out to the adult center now, believe me he will like it and I know he'll not want to go at first but, get him there and things will get better for you.
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Hi Hummingbird1. I just placed my dad in a veterans care center, after living with me for 4 years, following a hip fracture. He is 91 and such a dear...until 3 or 4:00 when the sundowners rolls in. Then he has been confused and yelling out, almost like Tourettes. This has been the toughest week EVER. So far, no meds have helped his impulsive yelling for different people but I hope his psych eval today will offer some help. He is in the dementia unit but they seem very kind and helpful. It has been a very sad time and I have been the biggest cry-baby ever! This weekend there are other family visiting so I will take the first weekend for a very long time to put my house back together and see my grandchildren. I agree. I will NEVER let my children go through what I have been through with my dad. I am so exhausted and feel like I have missed a lot. All this I know, but still I feel sorry for my dad. This is not an easy time, but this forum has been very helpful, because, unless you are there, it is hard to imagine how tough it is. Peace.
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I'm here to learn more. I thought they couldn't kick you out...that they had to find a suitable place to transfer you if all efforts fail and resident is still combative and danger to himself or others. I HAVE been warned that these alternative care facilities aren't the greatest and that drugging and restraint could be more common but are necessary measures if can't control dangerous or disruptive behaviors. I think they won't just release the loved one back to you to deal with unless that is what you want and they have to find a facility even if it's far away...
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lizzie49, it's not as far ahead as you might think...
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Drugs, drugs, drugs. Seriously. When my mom went into the NH she's in now, I warned the staff that she could be a handful. I asked them to put her on some kind of happy pill...for her sake, and everyone else's, too. Oh no, she was no problem. They didn't think she needed that. *shrug* Ok. Time goes on. Then the staff started to tell us that my mom was wailing and shrieking around the clock...just like at home, which got her into a NH to begin with. Here come the happy pills! :D Now, she's fine. lol
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Hummingbird I hope your mum is in a good home. there are some around I do know that. It was a very small part of my Mum's life. 8 months she frequented the dump. I will remember the good and as she was before. When she was in hospital she was herself 2 to 3 times. So I know it was not her going to that home when there was no need., was not really her. Like yourself hummingbird I hope I never get to the stage I need a home.

However I am 49 so still a way to go for me.
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Oh my !... just put mom in a nursing home yesterday....befoe that she could not do anything on her own...sat and watched my dad watch TV...dad could not wait till she went to bed..he yelled at her out of stress...so, when Dad hurt his back and my sister (who was being paid to be on 24 hr. call) wore herself out, it was decided it was time...My mother did not walk for 8 months at home...we had to lift her to put her on the pot...lift her to dress her, lift her from sofa to wheelchair...one freaking day in the nursing home and they had her walking on a walker to the dining room...I could not believe it...she was dead weight for us...I asked mom "how is it that one day here and you are on a walker" she said" what can I tell you" ..ughhhh. This is a nice place and has a great reputation (my husbands best friend is on the Board of Directors and the Director of the nursing home knows this...let me tell you...its not WHAT you know, its who WHO you know. So far mom has not asked to go home..which we wont let happen any way...she is friendly and even slept all night without trying to get out (alarms on her bed and chair)...now dad, who couldnt wait till she went to bed is giving us problems..wont get dressed in the morning, wont shave, wont do anything but watch TV and complain his back hurts. Cannot afford two of them in nursing home. Mom had dementia but dad is of sound mind..they are 90. She will eventually want to go home, no doubt in my mind...dad will want her home...even though he told all of us he couldnt live that way anymore...HARD, HARD, HARD... I am 70 and POA and I dont want to be, but being the oldest my mom and dad would have it no other way...If our parents get old enough and, none of us want to lose them, this is going to happen...do the best you can...give nursing homes a chance as long as they are tying and it is clean and not smelly ...I am new at this for my mom (although I am a receptionist at a very nice nursing home we cannot afford) and I see this all day long..but I see the staff trying and caring. My uncle had to leave a nursing facility because he became too sexual (which is a big part of dementia)..I am looking for good things to happen and not for the bad...you will alway find bad if you look hard enough. I think if they are making you leave its more mental and they usually have your mom or dad sent to a place to be evaluated before they actually make you go...they have to have a really good reason to do this...even if you do not pay as promised, it will take them at least 3 months to let you go...just hang in there and know that you did what you think was best for that parent. I hope I pass away before I get that far...will never let my children take care of me...after doing it for 5 years I know I will not do that to them.. We are living longer than we use to (my parents never had to take care of my grandparents)... we will live longer then our parents...live and learn and find peace with whatever life brings you.
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To me it is not normal to want to give up everything you have worked for when there is not need...... I am prepared to let it go. I will remember my Mum before she frequented that dump. this particular home acted like a cult.
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