I put her in a Nursing Home in July. They over medicated her and then dumped her in a hospital in September and Now she is dead in November. I blame myself.
Don't blame yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. The incompetence of the nursing home and the hospital they put your mom in are the ones responsible, not you. You placed her because you had to. That's not wrong and it does not make you guilty of anything. Please try to give yourself a break. Grief and sadness operate on their own time. You will always feel the loss of your mother, but you will learn to live with it. I promise you there will be happiness and good times for you again.
I would be more concerned if you did not have those feelings. My mom died almost 58 years ago, my dad died 54 years ago my Husband 6 years ago...there are still times that I get that feeling of loss. A death is not something you "get over" you more or less get through it. The feeling changes. Sometimes the pain is sharp, sometimes dull, most of the time there is no pain. Kinda like a deep scar there are times when there is a sharp pain when you bump the area, or it gets real cold it may be a dull ache. Most of the time a scar is just there reminding you of what was. Not something you dwell on but you know it was a hurt. Honor your mom by taking her memory and doing positive things for yourself and others. This is fresh and this time of year is particularly difficult. There are going to be many "firsts" without mom. Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day, her birthday and YOUR birthday are all going to be difficult. find friends to support and help you but allow yourself to mourn, to grieve but do not get lost in that grief. ((hugs))
Beautifully said. You describe the feeling exactly “a deep scar that has pain when you bump the area”. That is exactly how I feel. I will have days that I do not think about it much and then I will see something insignificant that reminds me of her and the pain is back. Thank you for putting it into such perfects words and helping me realize that I am not crazy!
You feel empty because you are empty for your mom! My Mama has been gone for 14 years now and the other night I missed her so much I cried out loud and now as I write this I tear. My Daddy just went to join her in 2020 and I miss him too! That part of them that is in us just misses their smile, voice, eyes! Its okay to cry, to be mad, to be upset however remember this mom loved you and you loved her! The memories you have of her are yours and you get to remember her whenever you want. I will always remember my parents and the love they had for me, their kids, the life they were given here on earth and the Father that gave it to them. I believe they are in heaven right now, no more pain, and giving love to each other! I will see them someday and I look forward to that. Hugs to you!
Please know that you are not to blame for her death.
Her health was seriously deteriorating and she died.
Be at peace knowing that she is no longer suffering.
You did what you thought was necessary. I am sure that your mom would never want you to blame yourself for her death. She knows that you were doing all that you could for her to be cared for.
You are grieving and second guessing yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Cherish your memories.
I have a friend who thinks the doctor killed her husband. It’s nonsense, and he was sick for years, was on oxygen, a stomach tube, was aspirating frequently, and had a stroke. But the doctor killed her husband and she’ll never believe otherwise. People will die when they can no longer live. That’s the truth. We need not feel guilt when we’ve done our best.
Blaming the nursing home, the doctors who wrote the prescriptions, the hospital or yourself for your mother's passing won't help you process the loss, nor will it bring her back. People die on God's timetable, not any other way, that is my belief. Had you kept your mother at home with you and doted on her 24/7, she'd have died on the exact same day and hour because God had called her Home at that precise time. If you look at things in that light, you let everyone off the hook for imagined wrongdoings, knowing there are no mistakes or accidents in God's agenda.
My condolences on your loss. I hope you'll give yourself some grace and time to heal from this loss.
Feeling lost and guilty so soon after the death of a parent is normal. I'd be more worried about you if you WEREN'T feeling that way. No one can delay death forever, and as someone who lived to be nearly 90, she had a full life and was very fortunate for having such a caring child as yourself.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Maybe consider grief counseling?
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother has been gone for a long time and I still miss her presence. I also know she wouldn’t want to be here in the physical condition she was in, so I don’t wish it any different. But I do empathize with you. Please know your mother passed exactly when she was meant to, she had conditions that wore her body out. It’s the natural course for us all, painful as it is. We grieve and feel lost, eventually we go on and honor those we lost by living our best lives as they would want for us. I wish you healing and peace
My mom also passed in November. I placed her in an ALF in May because she was unsafe in my house without round the clock care. I am also a little numb. I feel a little detached. Probably a grief stage. I have started a journal of what I loved about caring for my mom, what I wish I could have done differently, and what I did right!
What I know is that I do not know what the outcome would have been had I made a different decision. You can only make the best decision you know to make in the moment you are in.
It has been 4 weeks since mom died. I am only beginning to understand the gap she left behind. My prayers are for both of us that we can embrace all the things we did right and how we made her life better,
I'm so sorry you lost your mom. This is very hard and it's very early in your grieving to worry over the emptiness. It will take time to fill up again, but that will happen. You are not to blame, so please don't do that to yourself. It won't help you and certainly can't help her.
In a way same here, 2 of the places my mom were at have closed down (one being converted into fancy apartments). I would have been better if both were knocked down and the land converted to green space.
You didn’t “put” her. She went there for the help she needed. Why do you believe she was overmedicated? Surely her medical team believed that she needed the medication in order to be pain free or for her condition to improve. They don’t just pump drugs into people for no reason. She wasn’t “dumped” in a hospital, her medical team decided that her health required that level of care. I’m very sorry for your loss, but she was extremely ill and it was her time. When we characterize an event a certain way, we become hostage to that way of thinking, and this seems to have happened to you. You’re not to blame. Right now you are grieving, but cut yourself some slack. You did the best you could under the circumstances. I hope you find peace.
I'll add that OP is not to blame -- and neither are the nursing home and hospital.
I agree with the assessment that people can become hostage to a certain way of thinking. There are people here who still believe hospice killed their loved one, and they've been obsessing about it for nearly three years already.
Condolences. Grief is a process that can sometimes be delayed as we struggle with paperwork and what-should've-beens. Having to put a loved one in the care of strangers is never easy; the outcome isn't always what we want. Really, could you've done anything different?
Now is the time to draw on your belief system. For me, the hope of seeing my dad well and whole in a peaceful new world helped me let go of the need to continue looking into redressing whatever lapses in care there were. He's free of them, doesn't need anything, sleeping until the day Christ awakens him. To me, that's the best justice - living well and forever, free of the careless and the greedy.
Please allow yourself time to recover from those distressing months and your loss; take care of your physical and mental health. Take a vacation if you can. Talk to someone or write out your thoughts in a journal - let out those feelings, it will give you peace.
It's a common story that once you get to a nursing home, you decline quickly. But that's often because by the time a person hits the nursing home, they're getting sicker and closer to dying. So often, patients go to the hospital because as you know, they're not qualified to give any real medical care…just keep them safe, clean and provide food and activities.
I doubt it's your fault in any way. You did your best for your mom, and of course you're grieving. But you didn't do anything wrong, so don't blame yourself. Just grieve your mom and be glad you had the kind of mom you miss. <3
So sorry for your. loss. You are grieving and that takes varying amounts of time to improve. Give yourself time. Everyone deals with grief differently.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone passes eventually and it may just have been her time. She obviously needed a pretty high level of care for you to have put her in a nursing home. When you say they over medicated her do you mean you think the doctor prescribed too many new meds for her or that someone made a mistake and gave her too much? Did you get them to back down on the meds? How long was she in the hospital? Sorry to ask so many questions. You don't need to answer but I'm just a curious type.
Take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself and let the healing happen.
You placed her because you had to. That's not wrong and it does not make you guilty of anything.
Please try to give yourself a break. Grief and sadness operate on their own time. You will always feel the loss of your mother, but you will learn to live with it. I promise you there will be happiness and good times for you again.
My mom died almost 58 years ago, my dad died 54 years ago my Husband 6 years ago...there are still times that I get that feeling of loss.
A death is not something you "get over" you more or less get through it.
The feeling changes. Sometimes the pain is sharp, sometimes dull, most of the time there is no pain. Kinda like a deep scar there are times when there is a sharp pain when you bump the area, or it gets real cold it may be a dull ache. Most of the time a scar is just there reminding you of what was. Not something you dwell on but you know it was a hurt.
Honor your mom by taking her memory and doing positive things for yourself and others.
This is fresh and this time of year is particularly difficult. There are going to be many "firsts" without mom. Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day, her birthday and YOUR birthday are all going to be difficult. find friends to support and help you but allow yourself to mourn, to grieve but do not get lost in that grief.
((hugs))
Please know that you are not to blame for her death.
Her health was seriously deteriorating and she died.
Be at peace knowing that she is no longer suffering.
You did what you thought was necessary. I am sure that your mom would never want you to blame yourself for her death. She knows that you were doing all that you could for her to be cared for.
You are grieving and second guessing yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Cherish your memories.
My condolences on your loss. I hope you'll give yourself some grace and time to heal from this loss.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Maybe consider grief counseling?
(((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
It takes time to refuel when we have given everything.
Take time to grieve and take care of you. It took you a long time to get here, it's going to take time to move forward.
May The Lord give you peace, strength, comfort and guidance during this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss.
What I know is that I do not know what the outcome would have been had I made a different decision. You can only make the best decision you know to make in the moment you are in.
It has been 4 weeks since mom died. I am only beginning to understand the gap she left behind. My prayers are for both of us that we can embrace all the things we did right and how we made her life better,
Give it time.
its my first Christmas without my mom … I go into a card shop , and think of her.. no remorse.. my mom is no longer suffering, best Christmas present…
I agree with the assessment that people can become hostage to a certain way of thinking. There are people here who still believe hospice killed their loved one, and they've been obsessing about it for nearly three years already.
Now is the time to draw on your belief system. For me, the hope of seeing my dad well and whole in a peaceful new world helped me let go of the need to continue looking into redressing whatever lapses in care there were. He's free of them, doesn't need anything, sleeping until the day Christ awakens him. To me, that's the best justice - living well and forever, free of the careless and the greedy.
Please allow yourself time to recover from those distressing months and your loss; take care of your physical and mental health. Take a vacation if you can. Talk to someone or write out your thoughts in a journal - let out those feelings, it will give you peace.
Take your time. You'll be okay.
Take care of your physical health
I doubt it's your fault in any way. You did your best for your mom, and of course you're grieving. But you didn't do anything wrong, so don't blame yourself. Just grieve your mom and be glad you had the kind of mom you miss. <3
Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone passes eventually and it may just have been her time. She obviously needed a pretty high level of care for you to have put her in a nursing home. When you say they over medicated her do you mean you think the doctor prescribed too many new meds for her or that someone made a mistake and gave her too much? Did you get them to back down on the meds? How long was she in the hospital? Sorry to ask so many questions. You don't need to answer but I'm just a curious type.
Take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself and let the healing happen.