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80 yr old MIL acts so frail fragile and weak but when pissed off she can fly down a flight of stairs with NO PROBLEM !! not even in need of the hand rail !! Most of the time she sleeps,90 % of the time !! the other 10 percent she is incapable of even walking to the bathroom. 100 % of the time she has her mind on MONEY and how to SPEND IT !! Is confused on bills and believes we OWE on items SHE IMIAGINES !! My ulcer finally broke loose a few days ago and because hubby ( pissed at me for wanting 20 minutes ALONE) refused to take me to the hospital so I ended up calling a squad. When the ambulance arrived she took off down the stairs to meet them in the driveway, didn't even need to hang on the railing of the stairs !!! Her ONLY comment to them is " this is going to cost $ 175 bucks" !! No concern for ME at all JUST MONEY that SHE don't have to spend !! I am SO at my end it's not even funny. Hubby is stuck right in the middle and says it's BOTH of us acting like 2 year olds. I'm a 2 year old for asking for 20 MINUTES ALONE !! LOL guess I'm guilty then cause when she pushes and pushes and pushes I either take 20 minutes ALONE or beat her senseless !! (which I would never do so I turn it inside and becomes a BLEEDING ULCER) Since I came home things are very strained, walking egg shells. Hubby has let her know that no matter how hard she pushes me, and HIM he will take her side so she knows she can continue to do so and is almost happy about it other than the sarcastic comments like I refuse to live like this or she needs to get out!!! trust me the thought of walking out has crossed my mind more than she (or he ) knows and if I had a place to go and a way to get there I'd be gone in a heart beat BUT... She can not be on her own she WILL end up in a nursing home, which the FAMILY refuses to do !! I've had a stroke several years ago due to Blood pressure and this round while at the hospital with ulcer was 216/ 128.. dangerously close to the one that caused CVA LAST time and all hubby can say is I'm acting like a 2 yr old for letting it get to me !! Today I was cleaning house she always sleeps in her chair in the LIVINGROOM and I was cleaning the bathroom off the hallway. She had been up less than 2 hours and decided to "nap" I had the light on while cleaning and she yelled at me " do you really need to turn that light on, you know I am sleeping in here. Well DUHHH yes I do need a light on to CLEAN !! I was cleaning the MIRROR and the rubbing of glass made a sound, although she is 85 % DEAF in both ears (so she claims) began screaming at me stop making that noise you're just doing it to bug me. Hubby who works the NIGHT shift 11pm to 7 am is today volunteering to work a DOUBLE just to get out of the house !! He gets up and tells me to STOP cleaning !! I am SO AT MY WITS END!!

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The first 20 years were relatively good, but when my ex got laid off three times, that was the beginning of the end. I've been thinking: he may have dementia. His father had it, and someone mentioned money issues here a couple of days ago. He got obsessed with how much we were spending, insisted I make a budget (I didn't, as HE didn't recall the black notebooks that we had had for all our working lives -- 20 years, which lived on our dresser and we entered every expense in them. That's how we managed to pay for six cars, a reno, trips to Europe, daughter's university -- yes, we paid it all because we could-- and paid off our mortgage in ten years). He became obsessed with money, VERY angry, totalled his car while searching for something that dropped into the passenger-side wheel well WHILE DRIVING 60K AN HOUR (1 mile is 2.2 kilometers) a couple of years ago ... and has just generally become weirder and weirder. He talked to her once on the phone, just after I'd had the second stroke, hung up, and barged into the bedroom bellowing "[your daughter] doesn't want you to stay with her any more! She said it was like having a third child!" Well I knew she'd never say that. So I called her and she was shocked that he'd say that.

All this was in the last 10 years or so. So no, I didn't actually put up with it for 30 years, but he was always a difficult man to live with.
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jinglebts, it sounds so much like what was going on between my ex and me. I never asked myself how I put up with it for as long as I did. I think it's because women our age are taught to put up with it. I love that you got out of it, but I also know how hard it is when you're the one doing the leaving. How much nicer life would have been with a good man.
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GA: "And I'm sure it also took courage to share such a personal part of your life with us."

You know what? It was a relief, in the end (that's now, of course ;) ... I'm still fighting legal battles and am still broke, but I have new neighbours in the small town where I live who shovel the driveway for me, I have all sorts of adventures (like skidding off the road in January into a huge snowdrift and some guys in a pickup truck towing me out -- the kindness of strangers!), and my dear sweet daughter and SIL and grandsons, who do so much for me. So while I did get a bit verklempt at the end of writing this -- I mean how COULD I have put up with it and what does it stay about my own state of mind -- it was a relief. I do thank you for your applause tho'!
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Jinglebts, your story is heartbreaking and beyond, but also inspirational. It's almost incomprehensible what someone can do to another person to humiliate, subjugate, manipulate and control.

I applaud your courage in recognizing the situation for what it was as well as having the stamina, strength, courage and determination to escape and create a decent life for yourself.

And I'm sure it also took courage to share such a personal part of your life with us.
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There are many other things my husband used to make me do that were completely embarrassing. Like taking me to the grocery store, dropping me off in the middle of the parking lot, I'd get out of the car and hobble in to the store, do my shopping, and schlepp it back to the car. When I look back on it (and that's just ONE of the petty things he'd do), I think: How did I put up with that? We had a three-story house and he refused to take my laundry down to the washing machine, so I threw it down the stairs. How did I put up with THAT?? And on and on ... how DID I put up with that?
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Kathy, this was my situation b/f I left my abusive husband:
1) I didn't realize I was being abused and had become completely accustomed to it -- that's what I thought life was like.
2) I was recovering at home from a broken hip.
3) I stayed in bed all day and only got up to eat and shower.
4) I virtually had no vehicle b/c I had other medical issues and was not allowed to drive. I had to rely on my abusive husband to drive me to appts and grocery shopping (yes, I had to do MY OWN groceries). And if I didn't notify him 48 hours in advance, there was hell to pay.
5) I had no place to go, I thought.
6) I had no money.

I finally escaped b/c a friend told me about her abuse, and why she had put up with it so long. It was a 30-year marriage, we had a lovely home that I still miss, a beautiful garden that I designed, and I left ALL my belongings behind. All of them. I just took what I could carry in a suitcase. That was three years ago and I'm still recovering. I lost my whole life.

I spent the first two years traumatized -- you think leaving a 30 year marriage is easy? There's the home and the friends and the kids and the routine and the stuff and the fear and the humiliation and the few happy memories -- after 30 years it was dreadful. But I lived. And this year is better and I turned 71.

You may never forget -- I haven't and don't think I will ever really recover. But if you don't get out now, you'll be like me -- a 71-year-old with several serious disabilities (two strokes, seizure disorder, CFS), and starting again.

Or you could start again now. Sweet thing, all it takes is one phone call. Please do it. Please heed all the wonderful advice you've been given here.
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Get. Out. Now.

Do you have ANY family? If you do an are on good terms, crash on their couch.

Otherwise, find a women's shelter, or worst case scenario a homeless shelter, and LEAVE. You're health is way on the line. Take you health insurance card and ID (so you can go to a hospital if need be) and get out.

On my absolute worst and darkest days of caregiving, I told my husband if I had to continue living the way I was (no help with an extremely difficult charge that was fully dependent 24/7 vstr) I was going to go live under a bridge. I would have if it came to that. If your health is in jeopardy, there is no rational reason to keep going on like this.

If you don't have your health, you have NOTHING.
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Thinking over this situation and our responses, I realize that I might have been too harsh with Kathy. I don't retract anything I wrote, but I've never been in a situation where someone has been so totally in control. I've also made sure I would never be in that situation.

So it's hard to imagine the fear that Kathy must face going out on her own at this difficult time of her life.

If she's never had a job or been self supporting, that's a major challenge in and of itself. If she has no car, add that to the challenge list and it grows exponentially. If she's grown accustomed to abuse w/o realizing it exists, that challenge list becomes almost insurmountable. It's no wonder she hasn't responded recently, and perhaps feels as though her venture onto this forum for help wasn't a successful one for her.

So I change my suggestions.

Kathy, work on one step at a time, perhaps starting with finding what outreach sources are available. United Way's hotline number is 211. Those people and others in women's outreach programs can help you take the first step.

I recommended big steps; maybe little steps are better at this time.

But don't accept that the current situation has to be a way of life. It doesn't.
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You are in the same situation as an abused woman who ultimately won't leave her abuser(s) because she can't find a place to house her pet! And that poor creature is probably the only source of sanity in that house who is now also suffering. Please reach out to Red Rover.org they may have some suggestions.
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Have you talked to her neurologist about tweaking her medication. I lived with a violent and abusive aunt with dementia and my uncle dying of cancer. I left everything 3000 miles away that I loved. I had a great life. I am still here 16 months later. I went to the Alzheimers association and had a breakdown, they were very helpful. I had her doctor tweak her medication, then she refused to eat or take her medicine for four days. On the fourth day on the advice of her dr I called the police. Life was pure craziness, she was beating my 88 yr old dying uncle. At some point you and the man you call her husband need to realize that she needs more help then you can give. Alzheimers was nothing like the movies in this house. It was hell, it was also h3ll for her. Her frustration was making her depressed and I am the one she took it out on the most bedsides my poor uncle. I waited 7 months of this until it was his decision that she be placed. She is very nice now, I visit her every other day. Do you have any family to help? Mine would not make any sacrifices to help. It is sad for everyone,if your own husband won't support you, my advice is to leave.
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Kathy: I did it, and so can you. My husband abused me for years, and it wasn't until a SW pointed it out that I realized it. Fortunately, I had a friend who had been in the same situation and she "rescued" me.

Go to a women's shelter. Take GA's advice. It is intelligent and detailed. We've all been there, in one way or another.
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Kathy, I think your situation is everything hard about caregiving rolled into one. This country has not faced the reality of elder care. Families have not faced it, either. We end up having these elder people with dementia and personalities that no one wants to care for. Then one person does and they get kicked by the care receiver, then kicked by the family, and then blamed for their situation. You are not to blame, Kathy. The situation is to blame. The only thing you can do is get yourself out of the situation, because things are not going to change with your MIL soon enough.

I am in favor of a milder approach. Maybe a small step would be telling your husband you are ready to go back to work now. I have a feeling your sense of self worth is really damaged at present and you need to build it back. Follow through on your plans for caring for yourself. Maybe the money won't be great, but it will be something.

Talk to your doctor about treating you for H. pylori, a bacterium responsible for many stomach ulcers. Doctors know about the bacteria, but for some reason few will treat it. I don't know why, because it is well known.
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Stop by anywhere today and get your B/P checked.
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Facts in evidence based on Kathy's post:

1. MIL has dementia resulting in incorrigible, erratic, hostile, inconsistent, somewhat violent behavior.

2. Kathy's husband doesn't seem to understand the issue of dementia and doesn't provide support to Kathy.

3. Kathy's already had medical issues; this is only the beginning before she has a heart attack, another stroke, or multiple medical complications.

4. Despite consistent evidence, Kathy responded to our collective suggestions not with a proposed plan but rather back to square 1 - complaining about MIL's behavior again.

5. Nothing is going to change unless Kathy recognizes that she is the one who has to, by making a life for herself. Moving off square 1 is hard, difficult, challenging, but it's better than staying in a situation which will either incapacitate her or kill her.

6. It is difficult to recognize the seriousness of the situation, but it's come to reality time for Kathy.

7. Kathy, wouldn't you be much happier without all this grief and aggravation? You must know from the advice you're getting that you're the only one who can change the situation from a negative one to a positive one.

8. Kathy needs to figure out a way to get herself moving from the stuck position to a forward one.

9. Kathy needs to develop an exit strategy, hard as it may be.

10. Kathy, remember that YOU are the only one who can change your situation. So, what steps are you taking, starting now?

And yes, I am being blunt b/c I think it's appropriate at this time to help you recognize that focusing on what MIL does, doesn't do, said or didn't say is irrelevant at this point. It's not going to improve until you get out of that situation.

Call a women's abuse hotline - NOW.
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Kathy, it is harder than most people know to deal with an elder who is angry so much. We had a little article on AC a few years back about elder rage. The article really only scratched the surface. It is like being beat with a verbal baseball bat every day of your life. There is nothing you can do to change them. The only thing you can do is to retreat, which is what you do. I'm glad you have a room you can lock. I don't have a lock on my bedroom door. Last night I had to put a brace against it, because my mother was on an elder rage roll. She does that sometimes.

People can tell us to get away. But the trouble is that family and friends can talk, but no one helps. THEY certainly don't want to deal with it personally. So they sit around saying "Tsk, tsk. Such a shame. I feel so bad for you." Then crickets.

You are the person who is not running away. In this situation, since it is your MIL, it seems like you are the only one who SHOULD be running away. Your MIL is really sick and you have no help, outlet, or money. What does your husband say when you tell him you can't do it anymore?

You write like an intelligent woman. I read that you were an LPN, but didn't like it. What you're doing now is the hardest type on LPN work, because you can't get away from it. For some reason I get the feeling that you need to get out of the house and get at least a part-time job. This will help get back some of your feeling of worth, as well as put some money in your pocket. It will also give you a good reason that you cannot be caregiver for the difficult MIL anymore.

I know you're probably feeling depressed right now. I find that taking walks helps me think about things that need to be done. Elder rage is very, very difficult. Things would be easier if the personalities were easier.
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Kathy, you have no car no money nothing. Do you know how many other women live in this kind of servitude and abuse even without a third party?
Do you know what they do?
They call their local women's abuse hot line and they are helped to leave the situation and taken to a shelter. From there,there will be people available to help you. There is no knight on a white horse ready to swoop in and save you. I am afraid you have to put on the life vest yourself and find your own way to the life boat be it by ambulance, a taxi or a volunteer from the abuse center.
We can't do it. We can only make suggestions and advise. Please act now today.
You are on the internet type in "Women's abuse shelter" and see what comes up. Do it now, today, this minute.
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Kathy, I would have a major meltdown if I had to live in that type of situation, even knowing it is not the elder's fault. Unless one has lives through the terrible 2's with a lot of children, this becomes really scary when it is an adult acting like a 2 year old.

I found this article here on Aging Care that was a life saver for me because I was not the type to be a hands on caregiver and the article says it is ok.... https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
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Did you have any rehabilitation for the stroke you had?
Do you have any trouble since then making wise decisions for your own health and safety?

If you need to call your husband at work to intervene between you and the patient you are caring for this sounds like an untenable situation for you and your safety.

You may be more concerned with others right now-but your husband at least can get himself away-it seems selfish and hurtful to you-but he may survive.

People can only advise you, we cannot come through the screen in cyberspace to take you out of there.

It would be okay for you to call 911 next time you lock yourself in your room and the patient is pounding on your door, screaming. Ask them to come because you fear for your safety, that she is ill.
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I don't think i really matters whether she is being manipulative or it is caused by dementia, you two are oil and water. It seems that your husband feels that since you are not contributing financially to the household it is your duty to contribute by caring for his mother. That might work for some families, but it is clearly not working for yours. I think it is time for an ultimatum, either she goes or you do. If you already know the answer will be that she stays then you know just how much your life is valued by him. If it is fear of change that is keeping you rooted there then I understand, but that fear is going to kill you... isn't that a lot scarier?
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Having gone to the E.R. was a wake-up call for you.
You could try caring more about your own health for a start.
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Kathyy1,
You say that your MIL has dementia. I'm providing a link from this site about people with that condition and how what we suspect as manipulative behavior is not. It might help you as you struggle with her behavior. It explains how while the behavior may be frustrating, challenging and difficult, it's not manipulative on purpose. The patient doesn't have that capability. It's sad that you are so effected by this, but unless you recognize what is really going on, you might continue to be stressed out.

Caring for a person like this is very challenging. If our expectations are for the person to be easy to get a along with and to please, I think we will be disappointed. It's not for everyone. Since your situation is so bothersome, I'd definitely try to find another alternative. I wish much luck.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm
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Someone is beating on your door, screaming at you.
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Post stroke, B/P 216/128, bleeding ulcer.
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Veronica I do not have a job outside of the HOUSE BUT I do have a 24 hour JOB INSIDE the house !! She gets up in the night, falls down, needs help in the bathroom gets a nap in several times a day and thinks it's time to START THE DAY (again) I clean EVERY DAY sometimes 2 or 3 times because she insists it's TIME TO START THE DAY AGAIN !! Hubby works and when @hit hits the fan he works a double just to get out of here , ME ... I'm just stuck here locked in my room listening to her scream
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Since he pays all the bills I have had no use of money, til now. No car no family no NOTHING !!! I get that her brain is damaged and she needs help but OMG can she JUST BACK OFF A LITTE??? Last night the DOG ( now stressed from the drama) started getting sick so I ran him outside until it had passed. On my way back in she accused me of taking 2 pills from the container I had set up for her NIGHT TIME pills. She has NEVER taken 4 doxepin at night .. ALWAYS 2 !! She started screaming to give them back, I explained that I had not taken them but in fact put the prescribed amount in her container, that she NEVER got 4 pills only 2 !!! I went to my room with my dog shut the door and LOCKED IT!! She started beating on the door screaming to giver her back her pills that she was going to call the Sherriff and have me thrown out in the street !! I called my husband and explained it to him who promptly called her and explained that she DID get the correct amount and to stop "making a scene". She got in her chair and went to sleep after telling me I was stupid and had the mind of a child
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I understand - I picked up peanuts and cherrios for years (after I had stepped on them and had a bigger mess) - funny now but it wasn't at the time
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"Is she just playing mind games or what?"

It is the "or what." She has dementia. Her brain is damaged. Her social filters are gone. She honestly can't reason that clothes placed neatly on her head are clean.

SHE HAS A DAMAGED BRAIN. This is no game to her.
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kathyy1, your MIL has dementia, right? Why on earth are you arguing with her about whether the clothes were laid out neatly on her bed? Why are you the least bit surprised that she is not hungry just because you assumed she must be hungry?

It is abundantly clear, kathyy1, that you are not a suitable caregiver or housemate for a person with dementia. That is NOT a criticism. Not everyone can do it, and there is no particular reason you should be able to do it.

I agree with Jessie. You do need to live in a different place than your MIL. Whether that means you leave, or MIL goes to a place that they understand dementia and know how to deal with her, I don't know. I guess that is for you and hubby to work out.

But definitely it is not good for you or for your MIL for you two to live in the same house.
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kathyy1, I got a chance the other day to read the post about going shopping with your Mother-in-law, and everything that had transpired, including what you husband said and did to you.

Take a deep breath, pack your clothes in some bags [use trash bags then Mom-in-law will think you are taking the trash out], gather up some money, put it in your car. And when you husband comes home, quietly slip out the door, start the car and leave. Your husband won't follow you as he wouldn't leave this mother alone. And you go to the nearest woman's shelter to get away from all the abuse. You will be safe there.

If your husband flies off the handle, then you know that he has chosen his mother over you. And you start the divorce proceedings ASAP. This is not a marriage, it's a combat zone.
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