Is she just playing mind games or what? - AgingCare.com

Is she just playing mind games or what?

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80 yr old MIL acts so frail fragile and weak but when pissed off she can fly down a flight of stairs with NO PROBLEM !! not even in need of the hand rail !! Most of the time she sleeps,90 % of the time !! the other 10 percent she is incapable of even walking to the bathroom. 100 % of the time she has her mind on MONEY and how to SPEND IT !! Is confused on bills and believes we OWE on items SHE IMIAGINES !! My ulcer finally broke loose a few days ago and because hubby ( pissed at me for wanting 20 minutes ALONE) refused to take me to the hospital so I ended up calling a squad. When the ambulance arrived she took off down the stairs to meet them in the driveway, didn't even need to hang on the railing of the stairs !!! Her ONLY comment to them is " this is going to cost $ 175 bucks" !! No concern for ME at all JUST MONEY that SHE don't have to spend !! I am SO at my end it's not even funny. Hubby is stuck right in the middle and says it's BOTH of us acting like 2 year olds. I'm a 2 year old for asking for 20 MINUTES ALONE !! LOL guess I'm guilty then cause when she pushes and pushes and pushes I either take 20 minutes ALONE or beat her senseless !! (which I would never do so I turn it inside and becomes a BLEEDING ULCER) Since I came home things are very strained, walking egg shells. Hubby has let her know that no matter how hard she pushes me, and HIM he will take her side so she knows she can continue to do so and is almost happy about it other than the sarcastic comments like I refuse to live like this or she needs to get out!!! trust me the thought of walking out has crossed my mind more than she (or he ) knows and if I had a place to go and a way to get there I'd be gone in a heart beat BUT... She can not be on her own she WILL end up in a nursing home, which the FAMILY refuses to do !! I've had a stroke several years ago due to Blood pressure and this round while at the hospital with ulcer was 216/ 128.. dangerously close to the one that caused CVA LAST time and all hubby can say is I'm acting like a 2 yr old for letting it get to me !! Today I was cleaning house she always sleeps in her chair in the LIVINGROOM and I was cleaning the bathroom off the hallway. She had been up less than 2 hours and decided to "nap" I had the light on while cleaning and she yelled at me " do you really need to turn that light on, you know I am sleeping in here. Well DUHHH yes I do need a light on to CLEAN !! I was cleaning the MIRROR and the rubbing of glass made a sound, although she is 85 % DEAF in both ears (so she claims) began screaming at me stop making that noise you're just doing it to bug me. Hubby who works the NIGHT shift 11pm to 7 am is today volunteering to work a DOUBLE just to get out of the house !! He gets up and tells me to STOP cleaning !! I am SO AT MY WITS END!!

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She's gonna kill you. Even if hubby is right and you both aggravate each other, the bottom line is she made it to 80 and she'll make sure you don't. You'll be back in the hospital soon, and that is when you lay it on the line---- if she is still there, you won't be coming back out of self-defense. If you live that long.
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Facts in evidence based on Kathy's post:

1. MIL has dementia resulting in incorrigible, erratic, hostile, inconsistent, somewhat violent behavior.

2. Kathy's husband doesn't seem to understand the issue of dementia and doesn't provide support to Kathy.

3. Kathy's already had medical issues; this is only the beginning before she has a heart attack, another stroke, or multiple medical complications.

4. Despite consistent evidence, Kathy responded to our collective suggestions not with a proposed plan but rather back to square 1 - complaining about MIL's behavior again.

5. Nothing is going to change unless Kathy recognizes that she is the one who has to, by making a life for herself. Moving off square 1 is hard, difficult, challenging, but it's better than staying in a situation which will either incapacitate her or kill her.

6. It is difficult to recognize the seriousness of the situation, but it's come to reality time for Kathy.

7. Kathy, wouldn't you be much happier without all this grief and aggravation? You must know from the advice you're getting that you're the only one who can change the situation from a negative one to a positive one.

8. Kathy needs to figure out a way to get herself moving from the stuck position to a forward one.

9. Kathy needs to develop an exit strategy, hard as it may be.

10. Kathy, remember that YOU are the only one who can change your situation. So, what steps are you taking, starting now?

And yes, I am being blunt b/c I think it's appropriate at this time to help you recognize that focusing on what MIL does, doesn't do, said or didn't say is irrelevant at this point. It's not going to improve until you get out of that situation.

Call a women's abuse hotline - NOW.
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You wrote: "'trust me the thought of walking out has crossed my mind more than she (or he ) knows and if I had a place to go and a way to get there I'd be gone in a heart beat BUT... She can not be on her own she WILL end up in a nursing home, which the FAMILY refuses to do !! "

Do you understand what you wrote? Look at the first part of the sentence, then compare it to that following the "BUT". She's not your responsibility.

Your husband also needs to "man up" and take responsibility - was he always a pushover for his mother? Girl, you're seriously being used and abused.

It's way past the time to look for the magic slipper and take your Cinderella self out of this toxic environment. If you're worried about your marriage, take a good look at it and do an honest assessment.
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kathyy1, I got a chance the other day to read the post about going shopping with your Mother-in-law, and everything that had transpired, including what you husband said and did to you.

Take a deep breath, pack your clothes in some bags [use trash bags then Mom-in-law will think you are taking the trash out], gather up some money, put it in your car. And when you husband comes home, quietly slip out the door, start the car and leave. Your husband won't follow you as he wouldn't leave this mother alone. And you go to the nearest woman's shelter to get away from all the abuse. You will be safe there.

If your husband flies off the handle, then you know that he has chosen his mother over you. And you start the divorce proceedings ASAP. This is not a marriage, it's a combat zone.
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kathyy1, your MIL has dementia, right? Why on earth are you arguing with her about whether the clothes were laid out neatly on her bed? Why are you the least bit surprised that she is not hungry just because you assumed she must be hungry?

It is abundantly clear, kathyy1, that you are not a suitable caregiver or housemate for a person with dementia. That is NOT a criticism. Not everyone can do it, and there is no particular reason you should be able to do it.

I agree with Jessie. You do need to live in a different place than your MIL. Whether that means you leave, or MIL goes to a place that they understand dementia and know how to deal with her, I don't know. I guess that is for you and hubby to work out.

But definitely it is not good for you or for your MIL for you two to live in the same house.
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I don't think i really matters whether she is being manipulative or it is caused by dementia, you two are oil and water. It seems that your husband feels that since you are not contributing financially to the household it is your duty to contribute by caring for his mother. That might work for some families, but it is clearly not working for yours. I think it is time for an ultimatum, either she goes or you do. If you already know the answer will be that she stays then you know just how much your life is valued by him. If it is fear of change that is keeping you rooted there then I understand, but that fear is going to kill you... isn't that a lot scarier?
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You got out of the hospital after a bleeding ulcer, and he told her he would always take her side? HELLO!! And you can;t have 20 minutes for yourself? I do belive, Scarlett, that slavery was abolished many years ago. Be gone with the wind my dear. Tell hubs that you are going for a "small vacay".. do you have any family or friends will put you up for a few days to get your feet back under you? Your hubs is not acting very adult like either. I hope you have some money of your own.. or use that OT he is making!
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"Is she just playing mind games or what?"

It is the "or what." She has dementia. Her brain is damaged. Her social filters are gone. She honestly can't reason that clothes placed neatly on her head are clean.

SHE HAS A DAMAGED BRAIN. This is no game to her.
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Hubby is right,you should stop cleaning. cooking and doing laundry. Hubby is working are you? How old are you?
Do you have kids that you could stay with for a while so you can find somewhere to live.
I hope the house you all live in does not belong to MIL. Please tell me that's not the case.
There is other family out there . Tell them don't ask for them to take MIL because you are no longer available.
Tell hubby the same thing.
Meals will be served at specific (reasonable ) times, take it or leave it. if she won't come to the table into the fridge it goes. Nothing till the next meal is due. No pound cake to nibble on.
It's not going to be easy but would you rather end up in a nursing home yourself not able to do anything for yourself. Yu can do it. you took the first step coming here so listen to the advice you receive.
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You guys sound like gasoline and fire together. You need to live in different places before someone gets hurt.
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